“___-ah!” I yelled at you as you walked away. It wasn't the first time you were walking away. It wasn't the first time I let you walk away from either. I ruffled my hair in agitation and ran towards you. Upon reaching you, I grabbed your wrist, pulling you around to face me. Your face was tear stricken, once again my fault, and your expression wasn't happy, once again my fault.

“Jagi, I-”

“Don't. Just don't,” you said. The way you looked at me, with those eyes that were as cold as steel, I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. Most of all, I wanted to hold you tightly. They showed everything that your face didn't. Your desire to touch me, to hold me, to just let go of that wall and pour out your heart to me, but you didn't. Because we were in a public place. The crowd around us were staring at us weirdly, and you knew it was my fault, and also your fault. My fault for screaming out your name, and your fault for running away. You looked away and roughly wipe your own tears, but you don't struggle to get away. I found that reassuring, to know that you still had a small part that hasn't let go of me yet.

“Joon Myun oppa, I don't think we can do this anymore,” you whispered softly. The way you said that broke my heart, I shook my head and my grip on you tightened as you looked back into my eyes. I don't know what you were searching for, but you looked away, neither disappointed or satisfied. You gently pulled your arm towards you, but you indicated you wanted to walk to someplace else, away from the people. You tug at your hat, attempting to cover more of your face, but I don't know why, you're beautiful even when you're crying. As we continued to walk I recognized the familiarity of the road, were you taking me back home? Or to the place I used to call home? Upon arriving at our apartment, you opened the door, letting me in first as I stood there awkwardly waiting for you to come in.

“Why?” I asked, as soon as you closed the door. You walked to the couch and patted the seat beside you. I sat down and you got up, going into the kitchen to make tea. You didn't answer me, but knowing you, you would. You had yet to neglect answering me. As soon as you sat back down, I saw that you had removed your make up and left your hat on the counter. You were just wearing a plain black tee and simple skinny's.

“Because I miss you too much,” you replied. You looked up, and once again searched for understanding, and you did. I had been busy, as EXO's leader, I had to be there for the members. I had to lead them no matter what. And we've been busy, we've been called for by many places to perform, to show up on variety shows, to do reality shows, it was something that you knew already, but it seems you have reached your breaking point. You reached out towards my face with one hand, I expected a slap, but instead it was just a gentle caress on the cheeks as you cupped one side of my face. I leaned into the warmth of your touch and looked into your eyes and you asked, “You're so much thinner now... have you not been eating well?”

But I heard it, I saw it, the underlying message. How long has it been since we last seen each other in person? I held your hand, the hand that was cupping my face, and breathed out slowly, “I have. It's been almost a year hasn't it?” You nodded, not once taking your eyes off of mine. I felt like I was drowning in them, your eyes were an open door to your heart, and I saw it, the pain, the happiness, relief, sorrow, grief, and love that reflected from them. I felt a tear slide down my cheek, but before I could reach for it and wipe it away, your fingers had already slid across my cheek, gently wiping it away before giving me a sad and gentle smile.

“I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this,” at this, you looked away, bilnking rapidly to fight back the tears, and I saw it, I saw you raise your defenses again, fighting to keep your emotions in place. You looked back up at me and continued, “When I look on stage, I feel like I'm looking at another person. Is that really Joon Myun oppa up there? It doesn't feel like him, but at the same time, that's him. But even if I see you on screen every day, I miss seeing you in person. I can't risk sneaking in backstage, I don't want to ruin you.”

“Why? Why did you think this way? Jagi, why didn't you talk to me about this every time we video chatted?” I asked, I was desperate. I could feel you slipping away, I could see that I was losing you the moment you mentioned that you didn't see me on stage. Was my on-stage persona, was being Suho really that different from being Joon Myun? Is it because I'm the same person that I feel like I'm the same?

“Because you were always so happy,” you said, the volume of your voice dropped again and you continue, “And you're always worried about the EXO members, I didn't want to get in between that, I wanted you to be happy.”

“Jagi, the members are important, but you are too,” I sighed and then abruptly pulled you in for a hug. I held you tight against me, and I could see that your muscles relaxed. The tension that hung in the air dropped, and you sighed contently before wrapping your arms around my neck. I'll never get enough of this feeling, of holding you close against me. I sighed and continued, “I know I haven't been visiting, and that I haven't been paying enough attention to you. I'm sorry I never realized that you were in this state, I've been focused on EXO's success and the members' health, I completely forgot that I had someone beautifully wonderful and caring waiting for me back home.”

You snuggled against me, and I tightened my hold on you. If I let you go, would you slip away? I've never felt this scared before, of losing you. The reason why I'm still standing on stage. You always said you loved my voice, and my positivity. You even loved the fail-aegyo that I did for you all the time.

“I just want to see you more often,” you admitted after a long silence. Your grip around my neck tightened and I felt your tears soak into my shirt. Not like I cared, your tears are worth more than a lousy shirt, sponsored or not. I rubbed small circles around your back, trying to comfort you like I did all those times before I shot into fame. I saw and felt the relief surge through you as you calmed down. It was amazing how much we affected each other.

“I'll come back to visit at least once a week, I promise,” I claimed. I kissed your temple and I felt you shiver. You pushed away just enough to look into my eyes. You smiled and asked, “You won't break this promise like you did for today's date right?” The playfulness in your voice was obvious, and I laughed before nodding. I gave you a quick kiss on your lips; the expression of shock on your face was worth it.

“I won't break this one, promise me you'll wait for me if I text you that I'll be coming home?” I asked. You laughed – something I'll never get enough of – and nodded. You leaned forward, placing a loving kiss on my lips, I returned the favor, responding with equal passion and affection before pulling away. You pull me in for another hug, and promise, “I'll wait for you.”