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On his fifteenth birthday, he smoked his first cigarette. He stole it from his mother’s purse and escaped out to the backyard with his sniggering buddies. He had met them in the public school Luhan babied him into attending.

Yifan was stuck with a corrupted, ill-minded pack of teenagers who were self-centered and thought they had the world at the tip of their fingers to control. It felt good and he felt rebellious. He felt important.

Intoxication filled his lungs for months and he poisoned himself, cigarettes and occasional booze made him feel alive.

Yixing somehow found out and Yifan threatened to burn his younger brother’s favorite old collection of LOTR books if he dared open his big mouth to their mother.

His mother found out a few months too late and she was furious. “Quit smoking!” His mother shouted, she glared down at him and his laughing friends from her position by the door, her arms on her hips – that used to scare him when he was a child and now he thought she looked ridiculous.

An ugly scowl stretched on her wrinkly face and her lips pulled into a thin line, his mother aged ugly because of the amount of alcohol she drank. She drank like she needed air and it was ruining her, she looked 15 years older than her actual age.

Yifan inhaled and on the poisonous stick between his thin trembling fingers, “You first.” He challenged and grinned in satisfaction at the look of anger flashing in her eyes. He enjoyed seeing her look of anger – she seemed to enjoy being angry when he was a child; he was merely adding fuel to the flame.

His friend high-fived him for his bravery and obnoxiously disrespected him mother before him.

Part of him wanted to stop them because Luhan would disapprove. “I don’t care.” He muttered as he watched his mother stormed towards him on unsteady feet – Yifan ran off and slept on the streets for three days.

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Death arrived in his family when he was eighteen and ruined his graduation day at the public high school he barely attended. His father, the , the man who walked out on them for another man had died and Yifan couldn’t bring himself to care because everything happening was the man’s fault.

Yifan thought death was an easy way out for his father.

It was in the same month – summer was approaching quickly – that he met Park Chanyeol who was gorgeous, intelligent and funny.

They went from being two strangers who shared suggestive glances to ‘friends with benefits’ and finally, they got together.

He felt happiness he hadn’t felt since JoonMyun and it felt good. He spent most of his time around Chanyeol who juggled two jobs and college at once and still managed to have a smile as bright as the sun on his face despite the stress of everything.

Chanyeol was ambitious and he was his. He had a melodic blooming voice that filled the holes in Yifan’s entire soul and despite his living situation with his mother and Yixing – Yifan felt like he was in another world, that he had another life. Chanyeol helped him forget that life hated him and that the world had failed him.

And like all good things in his life, his mother found out about their relationship from the gossip going around through their small town and disowned him; she did him a favor. He gladly cut all ties with them, he cut ties with Luhan because he had a family in Japan now – Yifan felt his twin newborn nephews needn’t know he existed because he was filthy.

He never told Chanyeol about his family; Yifan was alone and he wanted everyone around him to believe so.

He lived at his best friend’s house – Zitao, a quiet guy he met through community college – and took odd jobs to get by. He was a drug courier for a few months before he broke the rules; he started using the supplies out of his boyish curiosity and got himself fired, and addicted.

Chanyeol had disapproved of the odd jobs he took, but being the good boyfriend he was, he stayed and was the spine holding Yifan on his feet for a few months.

Yifan got suspended from the local community college and grudgingly decided to dropout despite Chanyeol’s disapproving looks and Zitao’s hard gaze.

He felt college was a waste of his time and education had never been his fort. He grew up street smart and that was all he needed to survive, he figured. He’d never been particularly good at anything, but ing up and enraging people, those were his raw talents.

Heroine became his obsession and meth his other half at the age of twenty-one, it was blurry how he got addicted – he thought he had control, but when has he ever had control of anything?

He took shots that were sometimes filled with peculiar liquids he couldn’t name and he couldn’t care less – he got thrown in jail more than once and Chanyeol always bailed him out each time, slaving himself to get a third job for him.

Yifan had one day found himself lying on the hard pavement with his cheek pressed against it. He was in an unfamiliar street with his wallet and all his valuables gone from his body, the thugs he called friends had robbed him.

He laughed bitterly. They should’ve killed him. He briefly wondered why none of them bothered to cut him open and sell his organs to the black market.

“Useless.” He thought as he picked himself up from the floor.

He returned to Zitao’s house and stopped short outside the door, angry shrieks came from behind it and he froze his movements.

“He’s a ing drug addict and you’re so damn blind because he’s your ing best friend! Can’t you see he’s messed up, Tao? You and Chanyeol are ing morons, so ing desperate with your attempts to shape him up!”

Yifan never liked Baekhyun, Zitao’s older boyfriend of four years. He knew the feeling was mutual and he knew the other hated him the minute they were introduced.

Baekhyun was a control freak; he liked having everything under him at all times for him to boss around and Yifan was someone he failed to control.

Yifan was just as hardheaded as he was and wouldn’t let himself be stepped on.

“You need to get out, Baekhyun.” Zitao’s defeated voice finally cut through the thick tension radiating from inside. He didn’t bother to hide when Baekhyun stormed out through the door, the petite man released a string of curses at him and Zitao who now stood by the doorway.

“ you both!” Baekhyun spat out and Yifan knew it was directed to him more than Zitao.

Yifan turned his attention to Zitao, he opened his mouth to make a rude remark about Baekhyun but quickly shut it because for the first time in forever, he felt pain in his chest at the sight of Zitao’s dejected look.

Zitao loved Baekhyun.

“I’m paying for your therapy; you start Monday. Chanyeol says he knows someone.”

Zitao loved Baekhyun, but Yifan knew Zitao loved him more than anyone else.

Bros before hoes, he wanted to say but kept his mouth shut and walked back into the house after Zitao.

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i need to pee