Pay attention to the foreword warnings pls and ignore bad grammar x___x

Memories from when he was just nine years old were the most unforgettable to him; and deep down he knew he remembered age nine because that was where he thought his life decided to take a leap to hell and downward spiral.

Everything was paradise back then, for him and his family. The area they lived in wasn't exactly the best, but they loved it because it was their home. They were happy until his father walked out on him and his siblings.

He watched his father drive away, the older man promised never to return and Yifan recalled crying about it. He was never much of a crier, but that day, he sobbed to his heart’s content in the cold pantry.

His mother had been angry, she was already an alcoholic and he knew her drinking problem would only worsen with time.

She’d spat out words of hate, words he knew were awful because of how his brothers reacted to them. She called his father, her husband, a and the term confused him, but it was one that stuck to him. He never did understand what it meant back then; his gut told him it was something to never say because of the anger hidden behind his mother’s drunken slurred words.

A few months after his father left, his childlike curiosity was growing and he always wondered why his mother loved to drink; and he wanted to have a taste, to know why his mother seemed to waste money on that special liquid.

It was his Aunt’s third wedding and he was stuffed into a bit tacky red dress suit to match the luxurious red ribbon around his Aunt’s white wedding dress and the red roses on Luhan’s and Yixing’s dress suit jackets.

The suit too big on his nine year old frame was an advantage; he slipped the bottle of whiskey from his Aunt’s cupboard and into his suit.

He slipped through all the dancing adults’ sweaty bodies and avoided being seen as he stalked over to the bathroom up the stairs.

The first sip burned his throat and left a horrible taste in his small mouth, his eyes watered because the special drink was all too strong. He thought it’d taste sweet, his mother never did complain about the taste – why was it so bitter? And why would his mother punish herself drinking something so unpleasant?

He spent the night at his Aunt’s wedding after party with his head past the toilet bowl, he vomited whatever awful food he had that night and the liquid.

His oldest brother, Luhan who had been eighteen at the time – newly graduated from High School with flying colors – had found him there and immediately locked the bathroom door to keep unwanted attention out as he quickly tended to him.

Luhan had always been his favorite. Yixing was insufferable; the youngest of the three was much like their mother – was always hiding behind a façade and was never apologetic of anything.

Luhan had helped him out of his cheap suit and led him to the bathtub; Yifan let himself be guided into the bathtub after he was stripped.

He was crying because he’d been caught and apologized for being an ill-disciplined boy – Luhan had hushed him and told him it’s our little secret. Don’t worry, Yifan, just promise to never do it again and I won’t tell Mama, deal?

He only cried harder, but nodded vigorously to his older brother’s words. He had always wanted to please his older brother because Luhan was the only one who seemed to care about him after their father left.

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He was thirteen when he found out he desired the male gender over the female; Luhan had already left for University – Tokyo, Japan for further studies in medicine – and Yifan was conflicted.

He wasn’t sure if he was allowed to tell. He knew a lot of people acted negatively to it, he watched enough television to know that it was considered wrong and unnatural and he heard a rumor about a boy who got disowned for being homoual.

Yifan kept his mouth shut and his secret was his own for a few weeks until he was itching to tell Luhan.

He begged his mother to phone Luhan and the older woman had shoved the phone in his hands, she barked at him to get out of her sight – he gladly did so because being around her made him angry.

His mother grew colder towards him over the last few years, just like Yixing had.

He walked to his tiny bedroom and locked the door; he moved over to the window and cried into the phone to Luhan as he revealed his secret.

He knew what meant, “I’m not a ,” He whispered to Luhan, he wanted Luhan to pat his shoulder and back circles into his back for comfort, but Luhan was away. His voice helped calm Yifan down when he started whispering words of comfort and told him how much he was loved; Luhan promised to take him away as soon as he was done with his studies.

Yifan held onto that promise because he felt his life depended on it and he’d fall if he let go of it.

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When he was fourteen, he joined a basketball team at their local Church. That was the place he met his first boyfriend, JoonMyun who sang in the choir every Sundays and Fridays.

They both worked well together and JoonMyun taught him new things; showed him a new world behind closed doors.

They sat together in Church and held hands with racing hearts, and all that mattered was that they had each other to hold on to.

JoonMyun also taught him how to lie to his mother – the Priest’s nephew was a pathological liar, but Yifan didn’t mind because he showed him that being gay wasn’t something to be ashamed of, but something he had to hide if he didn’t want people to treat him differently.

Sometimes JoonMyun never made sense or perhaps Yifan felt he was just too stupid to understand the big words coming out of the Priest’s nephew’s mouth.

Yifan’s happiness was short-lived.

Yixing had a bad habit of never knocking; he stumbled onto his bedroom one evening and found Yifan atop of JoonMyun. Their hands down each other’s boxers and Yixing shouted for their mother who was in her room, drinking.

His mother promised to beat the gay out of him and he guessed she did in that moment.

That was the last time he saw his boyfriend, the first boy he grew to cherish. They parted with empty promises of seeing each other again as JoonMyun was sent off to a boarding school the following morning.

They never officially broke up.

Yifan quit Church; he wasn’t allowed to enter it because he was regarded as a sinner. His bible took a dive into his trashcan days later and he turned a blind eye to religion.

He wasn’t accepted for loving the same and for being attracted to it, he saw how the older population looked at him; like he was some kind of animal about to attack them.

He thought a lot about JoonMyun and his big words – thoughts of JoonMyun who was an ocean away helped him cope for a few weeks. Yifan hang onto whatever short memories they created together and reminisced whenever hate would fill his being.

His mother stopped paying for his basketball practice as punishment and he was eventually kicked off the team – Luhan had a few more years in university and was financially unable to pay for his practice.

Yifan grew to hate the world and everyone around him.

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I was prolly on imaginary weed when I wrote this omfg until the next chapter >_______>