Her body was stiff when she woke, and she could barely move. She lifted her eyelids to see the sideways view of her kitchen, but with many objects obstructing her view. As her eyes focussed, she saw what the objects were: pieces of broken glass, broken furniture, shredded fabric and shards of porcelain with questionable red stains on them littered the floor. She couldn’t quite remember everything that had happened, but she knew that she had done this. 

She slowly stood up, staring over all of it like a queen over her subjects. What little energy she had was drained, and it took all she had to stumble into the shower, clothes and all. The hot water seemed to cleanse her. Taking deep breaths of the hot, steamy air, she began to think.

More voices remained in her mind, and from the remaining voices, one had ambushed her. She had heard him on her answering machine. She shuddered, remembering how she had thrown the answering machine to the ground. She was safe now: she wouldn’t hear his voice again. 

Finishing her shower and tossing her sopping clothes to the ground, she wrapped a towel around herself and trudged into her bedroom, feet dragging through the mess that littered the ground. She grunted when her foot caught a shard of the glass bottle that still sat there, shattered, on her bedroom floor. Groaning with the effort, she cleaned the wound with her towel. Quickly, she dried her hair and threw on the first sweater she touched inside her closet. 

She had been preparing herself to speak again with the remaining voices in her mind. But standing amidst the destruction she had created, she felt panic suddenly squeeze her. She couldn’t do this. Not here. So fear gave her the strength she needed as she yanked open her front door and, for the first time since she could remember, went outside.

-

Although the sunlight had temporarily blinded her, requiring her to shield her eyes with the floppy sleeve of her sweater, she was suddenly aware of its warmth. Warmth touched her long-neglected skin, almost intoxicatingly. The air out here was fresh, and rejuvenating. Her feet ached to walk, her arms longed to swing with motion. Going outside had been a great idea. She ignored the stares and whispers of her neighbours who, today, were seeing her out and about for the first time in a very long time. Taking a deep breath, she took a step, and then another, and another until she was walking at a steady pace. Motion was good, she thought. It helped to take away some of the burden. Who said she couldn’t live in her mind and walk around outside at the same time? Maybe she could be counter-productive.

She couldn’t close her eyes, but she could still conjure up their images and voices. As she wandered through the streets, picking up speed, heart racing and palms sweating, she saw them ahead of her, beckoning her forward as she walked. Minseok, with his enticing smile, held out his hands towards her. Luhan in all his gentleness and affection nudged her forward, whispering encouragement in her ear. Mischievous Jongdae darted in and out of the crowd, teasing her as she came towards him. Sehun, brooding over her and keeping pace, walked alongside her. Their voices became the voices she heard in the street, overpowering those of the people she passed by.

But something seemed… wrong. Suddenly, they were hastening her, giving off a sense of panic, that she needed to hurry. Minseok now wasn’t just beckoning her, he was hurrying her forward. Luhan’s voice was urging her to hurry, to let go of them quickly. Jongdae kept looking back at her over his shoulder, anxious for her to catch up, and Sehun’s eyes were wide with fear. What was wrong? Why did they need her to hurry?
She found herself walking into a field, fenced off and surrounded by trees, with some small gardens and benches scattered here and there. A park, it seemed. She was tired from the exertion that she hadn’t been used to, sinking down to sit underneath the shade of a tree. Her skin was suffering from the sudden exposure to sunlight as well, and she felt tender and raw. Leaning against the tree’s trunk, she gave in to the urgency of the remaining voices, closing her eyes and listening to each one. They disappeared quickly, accepting her goodbyes without question and swiftly disappearing. But why? 

-

Putting aside her curiosity, she let go of them. Flirtatious Minseok, generous Luhan, freewheeling Jongdae, aloof Sehun, they were all released with her goodbyes. Wearily, she opened her eyes. She should have felt as though the burden had left her, and was gone completely. But she still felt it, heavy and oppressive as ever. Why hadn’t it left? 

Anger suddenly began to fill her, warming her blood and making her cheeks flush. She had gone through every memory, each painful, happy, scarring memory; she had clawed her way up from an abyss of self loathing and exile; had made amends with every man she had wronged, or had been wronged by in the days of her search for herself. Why hadn’t she come any closer to finding herself? Why was she still shrouded in doubt and uncertainty? It wasn’t fair! 

She had to get herself home before she threw another fit, not wanting to repeat what had happened last night out in public. If just a voice had been able to set her off last night, she didn’t want to find out what might make her blow up now.

But then it hit her.

The burden wasn’t completely gone. It couldn’t have been. Because there was still one more: one more voice left, insistently calling to her.

She began to breathe heavily, down air as if she were drowning. No, she thought. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to think about him. Not him! But she knew she had to. She had to, if she wanted to ease the burden and remove the pressure against her chest, which grew greater and greater with each minute. She knew why the others had to leave so soon. They couldn’t have been able to stand in the way of this pressure. They needed to be clear of it, to make room for it. Sitting under that tree, she tried hard to fight the growing tsunami of memories that threatened to overtake her, even though she knew deep in her heart that she would be powerless against them. Resistance may have been futile, but she was going to try it anyway. Her breathing was ragged, and she knew she had to be attracting attention. But surprisingly, nobody disturbed her.

She had done everything humanly possible to keep these memories out. She shrouded his voice in darkness, refusing to allow it back into her mind. She had destroyed anything she owned that reminded her of him. She had cut off every bit of contact between them, and eluded the messages that kept coming in on her answering machine. She never allowed herself to picture his face in her mind, and if she ever happened to see anyone on the street that resembled him, she immediately faced the other direction. She had done everything she could to push him out, to shut him away, to protect herself against him.

But why?

She cried as she allowed the wave of memories to wash over her. Eyes closed, he appeared in her mind, faded and ghostlike, but still there nonetheless. He was the least likely of anyone to be there, the least likely of anyone she could have imagined as her savior, or knight in shining armor. How could someone as small and meek as him save her? He had no power.

“You’re wrong, you know.” She barely held back a scream when she heard his voice. Just as she had heard it the night before, it scared her, even if it was all in her own mind. But she had to listen. Now that she had opened the floodgates and released him from his prison, he wasn’t going to stay silent any longer.

“I had a lot of power. That’s why you pushed me away, right?” 

No. You had no such thing.

“But I did. Because I knew you. Even though you pushed me away, I still found a way in.”

He was right. They’d spent so much time together, before she had sunken into this ocean of depression, before her writing had spiralled downhill, before she had lost herself. He had wanted to stay with her through it, but she had pushed him away, doing all she had to do to keep him out. 

“Why did you do it? Why did you shut me out?”

You already know! she screamed at him desperately in her mind.

“Tell me anyway. Say it. Admit it to yourself.”

Full-out crying now, she drew her knees to her chest. No longer fighting the current, she flung herself into the sea of memories she had kept locked away for too long. She no longer cared about what might happen if she did. She gave up, and let herself flow along, and even though she was scared, she allowed herself to say his name for the very first time in a year. 

-

Do Kyungsoo. He had been the reason for her climbing career, and the reason for its downfall. He had been the reason why she had retreated so far into herself, creating herself an abyss that she had fallen into, too willingly getting lost in it, because it was easier than to have to face the alternative. She had been young and naïve when she had met him, having no expectations other than to just write and get by. He had been everything she needed and wanted: he was kind and supportive, softspoken and gentle, and yet was a man full of surprises.

Kyungsoo at first didn’t catch her eye, seeming too shy with those big eyes that reminded her of a deer caught in the headlights. But he had pursued her with a surprising persistency and confidence, something she never would have expected. Cautiously, they began a relationship, but she didn’t have to be cautious at all. He had been everything to her, and came into her life with such ease, as if he was meant to be there from the start. Kyungsoo had been the first man she had ever given herself to, before any of the others she had been with while trying to find herself. He had been there throughout almost everything.

So why had she pushed him away? If he had been everything to her, why was he gone now? 

“Don’t lie to yourself now. Just remember, and admit why.” He prompted her, urged her, and she reluctantly obeyed.

Kyungsoo had been too important to her, too good to her. From the beginning she'd believed too easily in a dream of having everything. She was gaining some success in her first book, and having Kyungsoo in her life after that book was published made her positively euphoric, helping her to bang out a second book, which climbed to best seller's lists everywhere. She had ridden on the clouds of adoration, pride and success, Kyungsoo right by her side. She had thought she could have it all: money, success, fame, and a sweet and fun guy by her side. She anticipated years where she could just have fun, travel, write and, well… she didn’t exactly phrase it this way at the time, but the name she gave it now was “ around.” She had tried not to think of the future, or of a future with Kyungsoo. All she wanted was to enjoy him in the moment, and wholeheartedly love him as long as she could.

But all of her rich fantasies had fallen away with the sudden and jarring onset of writer’s block. 

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo had said to her one day, his hands on her shoulders as she sat staring at a blank screen. “Every writer has to go through this. It’ll get better.” He’d been great, sticking around, doing such nice things for her. On a bad day he would come over to her place, cooking dinner for her and sitting across the table from her, just keeping her company. And when the bad days became bad nights, he would stay over, her back as they slept in each other’s arms.

But the bad days and bad nights slowly became bad weeks, and she was growing restless. She had only wanted to have fun, and now things were going from bad to worse. She wasn’t able to sleep, or eat much, and her publisher was threatening to drop her if she didn’t come up with something soon. She grew thin, pale and exhausted, trying desperately to swim through the insistent block, which soon degenerated into depression. 

The worst part was that Kyungsoo was there during it all. He had shown amazing strength of will, sticking by and steadily taking the blows alongside her. But soon, she began to grow panicked at the sight of him after a long sleepless night, from which she emerged ragged and gaunt. She had never expected or wanted him to witness her like this, a mere shell of the witty, successful writer she had been. She only wanted to have fun, to have him for all the good things they could do together. Not like this. She’d expected him to grow tired of her, to wistfully wish for days long past, and eventually leave her, which although would make her sad, she thought would be for the best. She didn’t want him to have to know the dark, tired, flawed side of her.

She was totally ashamed of herself and the way she was in front of him. But to her complete surprise, he wouldn’t leave. Instead, he began to change as well. He seemed to be psychic, knowing exactly that she wanted him to leave and avoid the struggles she caused, but instead, he became more adamant. He would come over when she specifically told him not to, and try and force her to eat, or go out and do things to take her mind off the blank screen she faced every single day, or sit her down and beg her to talk to him about everything that was bothering her. He showed a kind of strength that defied his small body. And with that, she was scared. She was scared of this new, determined and almost forceful Kyungsoo, and scared that he would keep doing this to her while she grew even more vulnerable. The harder she tried to keep him out, the harder he would fight to find his way in. He backed her up deeper and deeper into the growing abyss, painting her into a corner by , forcing her to keep hiding herself away, protecting her heart with the hardest of armors to keep him from seeing her at her very worst, every flaw brazenly showing.

The last night she had seen him, they had fought harder than they had ever fought before. Kyungsoo had been so angry, contributing to some of the broken dishes on the floor.

“Why can’t you just let me in?” he had yelled, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her. “Don’t you see that I just want to help you? I don't care if you're depressed, or whatever! I just want to stay with you. Why are you making it so hard?”

She had cried, frightened by his anger. She understood each of his questions. She understood his anger and frustration with her. But she couldn’t give him the answers. To do so would be to expose herself, lay herself bare and allow him full access to all the horrible things about her that she had desperately tried to hide from him. The thought of doing that made her insides churn as if a fist was squeezing her. She couldn’t do it.

So, through her tears and barely coherent, she had taken the coward’s way out. She sent him away, without so much as any explanation, and forced him out. When he wouldn’t leave, she’d thrown a glass bowl at him, which he dodged, his eyes as wide as they had been when they first met, shadowing the image of the shy, innocent guy that she thought he was. She was so ashamed of herself. Kyungsoo had been hurt, and he had left as she ordered him to, glaring at her with tears in his eyes. She had fallen to her knees after he slammed the door, crying and shrieking until her energy was gone. The next morning, she woke up on the floor with her answering machine blinking. It was him, but as she listened to his disembodied voice, she had felt the same wave of fear rising up in her. So she deleted the message.

Since then, she retreated into herself, erasing anything she could that reminded her of him. She had hidden in her bedroom whenever he came pounding on her door, begging to be let in. She had fudged his calls and messages, deleting them after listening, and soon just deleting them without listening at all. He wanted back in, but she couldn’t allow that. He had already seen too much. She told herself that she would get over it, and get over him. That soon, she would be able to write again, her life would get back on track and she could continue to pursue the dreams she had before. 

But she had been wrong. Her dreams had changed, and she deteriorated, unable to write anything. And without being able to write, she had lost herself. Kyungsoo had brought about her success, but had been there through her downfall. For that, she had to forget him.

But she hadn’t been able to forget him. Even now, as she cried underneath the tree in the comforting sunlight, when she wanted to forget him the most, she couldn’t forget him. Kyungsoo really had seen past her armor, knowing exactly why she had pushed him away. Even though she had done everything she could to erase him, his voice had still been there in her mind, underlying all the others. She had thought of him as she had been with the others, smothering her inchoate longing for him and trying to long for each man she was with in the same way she longed for him. Even though she refused to admit it to herself, she had still loved him, and was crazily thankful to him for seeing her every flaw and choosing to still be there. She could never repay him that. She cried for what she had lost, realizing now, now that she had finally allowed the memories to surface, that she wanted him back. She loved him now as she had loved him before; maybe even more, now that she had seen every side of him.

She leaned against the tree, still crying as she remembered him. She left out no detail, and remembered everything she loved about him. He had been everything: kind, like Yixing, funny and freewheeling like Jongdae, loving and sweet, like Chanyeol, had a beautiful voice like Baekhyun, and to her surprise, was able to love her as intensely as Jongin, maybe even more, and with the same fiery passion that Zitao had. Kyungsoo might have seemed a slight, shy man to the eye, but she had been lucky enough to discover the complexity of his being that he held underneath. Every man she had been with prior to her breakdown reminded her of him in some way, and she for that, she appreciated each man even more. 

“You did it. I knew you could do it.” The Kyungsoo in her mind smiled beatifically, his voice warm and comforting, and her heart suddenly began to ache. “I’ve always known why you pushed me away. I knew you well enough to know why you did it. But I needed you to admit it to yourself. Now, we can both be free. Goodbye.” 

The image began to fade, a burden of memories finally lifted. But instead of the usual feeling of relief and satisfaction, she suddenly began to panic. No! she screamed at him in her mind as he faded. She didn’t want him to go! She still loved him, she still needed him! She had known it all along, only remembering it now. But it was too late, and he had gone. His voice was gone from her mind, and her shoulders free of every burden. But she still longed for him, still needed him. She cried harder, mourning now. Too late, she had taken for granted his resiliency, always just hoping he would still be there.

But suddenly, another memory came to her. Not one long buried and lost, but a recent one. When she had heard his voice on her answering machine before flinging it to the ground last night: what had he said?

“Look, I know you’re running away from me. And you’re probably so sick of me chasing after you. But the thing is, I’m not giving up. No matter how useless you, or anyone else tells me it is, I’m not giving up.”

She let out a shaky breath, his words resonating deeply. Not giving up. It had to have been a year now, and yet he was still calling, still trying.

“I’m not giving up.” Did that mean that even now, he hadn’t given up yet? Did that mean it wasn’t still too late? What else had he said?

“Don’t ask me why I keep on trying. Truth is, I’m still figuring it out myself. But whether you’re listening or not… I’ll keep trying. And I’ll come back and find you. Don’t give up, okay?”

“Don’t give up.”

-

She got up and ran. She ran, ignoring the stares from passersby and gasping out breathless apologies to anyone she bumped into. She knew she must’ve looked ridiculous— or maybe crazy— but she had to hurry. All at once she had suddenly realized the passage of time, and its urgency. It had been only a year, but so much could happen in such a short time, she thought as she remembered the eleven others she had shared this past year with, and all that had happened with them. With a jolt, she wondered if Kyungsoo had heard about, or seen her with any of the others. What would he have thought? She only hoped that it wouldn’t be too late, and that even though he had said he wouldn’t give up last night, he hadn’t changed his mind. It only took a moment for her to change hers after all: he could change his mind in a moment too, finally giving her up for lost and moving on.

She ran, not stopping, through the familiar streets of his neighbourhood. She hadn't been here for a year, but she still knew it like the back of her hand. She hoped he hadn't moved, but even if he did, she would find him. She wouldn't give up until she found him, like how he hadn't given up on her. He deserved that much. She knew she didn't exactly look her best at the moment, face and hair all sweaty and clothes dishevelled, but she knew Kyungsoo wouldn't mind. He had, after all, seen her at her very worst. What more could she hide from him? She didn't want to waste any time making herself more presentable anyway. Each moment was precious and couldn't be wasted. 

She reached his house, stopping at the doorstep, doubling over to catch her breath. She was hit with a sudden attack of nervousness and fear. What would he say? What should she say? Would he be happy to see her? Or would he be angry? She hesitated, shivering at the memory of Kyungsoo's fierce anger, not wanting to experience it again. But… 

"Don't give up."

She wouldn't. She had come this far, hadn't she? She raised a shaking fist to knock at the door. 

But before she could, it swung open, making her gasp, and suddenly, for the first time in a year, they stood face to face. She drank in the sight of him hungrily, realizing, now that he stood before her in the flesh and not in her mind, the enormity of how much she had missed him. They had missed out on so much time together. But she hoped there would be more.
His eyes widened when he recognized her, and reminded her again of the day they'd met, and of how she'd thought he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Surely though, she was the deer now. For a while, he just stared at her, recognition mingling with apprehension in his expression. She was left standing there nervously, until a smile, full of amazement and hope, slowly made its way onto his face. Her heart began to race. Was he glad to see her? 

"I..." She opened to say something, anything; to explain why she had left him and how sorry she was, to tell him how he was right and she was wrong, and to tell him how much she really needed him. But before she could say anything more, he held up a hand, stopping her.

"Wait." He reached out, gently taking her wrist. She resisted the urge to flinch at his touch— she was surprised at how willingly and quickly he touched her— before allowing him to lead her inside his house. It hadn't changed much since the last time she had been here. It smelled as though he was cooking something. She quickly remembered how he would make dinner for her during those long, painful nights and how she could barely eat any of it. Now she wished she had: whatever it was he was cooking now smelled delicious. 

Again, she opened to ask him what he was doing, and was gently shushed. Kyungsoo led her to his kitchen table, and bade her to sit in one of the chairs. She obeyed, still drinking in everything. 

"Wait here," he said, and quickly turned around, heading in the direction of his bedroom. She watched him as he went, wondering what exactly he was doing. Her heart was still racing with apprehension, and slight nervousness, but mostly with just joy at having seen him again. When he returned, he held something very unexpected in his hands. Her eyes widened when he placed it before her on the table.

"Don't say anything yet," he said softly, his hand still on the pen and sheets of paper he had brought her. "I know you've probably got a lot to say, and I do too… but there'll be time for that later. For now… just write. Write anything." 

She looked up at him, her eyes probably wider than his had ever been. So many questions hung on her lips, the one begging the most to be asked being his intention for making her do this. Why was he making her do this when both were so itching to speak to each other? Didn't he want her explanations? Was he really so willing to wait? Or was he trying to put them off?

He seemed to know exactly what she was thinking. But instead of explaining, he smiled again, a beautiful loving smile, and took her hand, guiding it to the pen. 

"Trust me," he murmured. 

And as she gazed at the blank sheet of paper, feeling the warmth of his hand on hers, she knew that she did trust him. And like a revelation, she realized, that by making her do this, he was giving her the most precious of gifts. Without demanding anything at all from her, even after a year spent chasing after her without any acknowledgement or sign from her whatsoever, he was bringing her back to herself. He somehow knew that this was exactly what she needed. Kyungsoo had always had such power over her, and now, he was giving her the power to bring herself back. She had come so far, remembering everything, every man and every memory, and had let them all go, swimming up from the deep ocean of her mind, and was now just under the surface. And by giving her this pen and paper, he was reaching out his hand, prepared to help her burst through it, freeing herself at last. He was such a brilliant, selfless, and beautiful man and she ached to tell him so, to spill forth all the love and sincere gratitude in her heart that she had for him. But she could do that later. They would, after all, have plenty of time afterwards.

So with tears in her eyes and a radiant smile on her face, she picked up the pen, squeezed his hand, and began to write. 

~Author's Note~

Hello~ It's currently 5 in the morning where I live right now, but even though I'm sleep-deprived, I just couldn't sleep before putting this up here. It's kind of different from what I've written before, and what I usually write, and like I said before, is the result of my current writer's block, but I do hope you guys can like it! I feel bad having posted a whole new story without having updated So Much More, it feels like I'm being unfair. But I wrote this to hopefully press on and work through my block. I really hope you can enjoy this while I continue working on SMM! Please keep supporting me! Thank you so much~~~