Our Happy Tragedy -- moodchan

Genres: comedy, fantasy, romance, supernatural

Characters: Minho, Taemin, Jonghyun, Key, Ondubu, Amber (2min and Jongkey)

Status: incomplete

Description -- So, your description is nice and succinct and does its job pretty well. However, because I already read the whole story before starting to review, I must ask… what is this accident in heaven? Also, there’s no mention of Shinee’s doom to die young in the fic. I might add some sort of prologue that takes place in heaven, describing this accident and how the strings became tangled. Otherwise, I’d assume from the story that the five met by chance alone.

    Also… I know you said you weren’t looking for grammar advice, but you made this minor mistake thrice so I’d rather notify you. You wrote “one, bumpy road,” “runaway, noble vampire,” and “full-fledged, human otaku.” That comma isn’t necessary. How do I know, you ask? Check if you could substitute "and" for the comma. Instead, it should be “one bumpy road,” “runaway noble vampire,” and “full-fledged human otaku” (btw, love Jonghyun as an otaku). I won’t note occurrences outside of the description, so just read through and if you find any, correct them.

Foreword -- I like how you included this guide. It’s helpful in understanding the character interactions and motives. Because there aren’t really any errors in wording or places where I needed additional clarification and I still want to offer some sort of advice, I’ll point out this one sentence.

    “Nobles have enough magic to heal themselves faster than humans, have unusual strength and speed, and minor hypnotic abilities”

So, you forgot a period. That’s obviously just a mistype. However, I would recommend omitting the second “have.” In using parallel structure, each phrase must be consistent. Because the first “have” applies to all three phrases, the second isn’t necessary. If you were to add a third “have” before “minor,” then the phrases would still be consistent. Am I making sense? Here’s a visual because my explaining . These are the two correct options.

Nobles have: enough magic, unusual strength, and minor abilities

Nobles: have enough magic, have unusual strength and speed, and have minor abilities

THE STORY

Alright, I’ll start off with a detail that irritated me to the extreme because I’m a bit of a geek. In the description, you said that Taemin uses a Playstation. Then, in the first chapter, he’s using an Xbox and later a Nintendo DS. Boy’s cheatin’ on his consoles! FO’ SHAME, TAEMIN, GET IT TOGETHER. But really.

‘Kay, but in all seriousness… you’re a good writer. The plot speed was satisfactory, the transitions to dialogue flowed smoothly, and I didn’t get that weird twitchy feeling that I tend to get when I want to read a fic because of its plot but can’t stand the grammar (that means your grammar was most agreeable with my facial muscles. They say hi) (Gosh, that was a run-on sentence). You managed to sound eloquently humorous, and I got a pretty good mental picture when I was reading because you balanced descriptions of mood, expressions, settings, and actions.

You requested that I focus on consistency, characterization, and plot flow. Before I do that, I would like to reiterate what I said about parallel structure. Not really reiterate