Longing for a Pulse -- princessamy

Genres: angst, slice of life

Characters: Kai, OC, EXO

Status: incomplete

Description -- I liked the idea of using song format. It was creative, and different. However, using two songs gave a stop-and-start feel as well as defeating the purpose of a description. The description serves as a short passage that draws the reader in and makes them curious about the plot. So, I would advise using only one of the songs or taking a specific stanza or two that really describes the story. As for technical details, the song titles should be in quotation marks and in the first line of the third stanza of the first song, a capitalization was missing. I would also suggest replacing "gonna" with "going to." Something that might look nice would be italicizing the lyrics and bolding the last line of the song, simply as an aesthetic touch.

Foreword -- Here, you got the feel down pat. Using “she” instead of a specific name contributed to the mysterious, solemn vibe. On the other hand, the grammar and wordings were a bit difficult to understand. Here, I edited the first line as an example.

The world, the life in which we thought the beauty and happiness were located would betray us if we believed in them; this beauty and happiness, in reality, is not in, but only comes through them, and what comes through in the end is only longing, not what we had hoped of.

The wording and general message of the passage were unclear. I did like certain parts, though, like the “reminiscing hopes … caught her ears,” as well as the italicized text (but there, I might change “everyone” to “every person” for the sake of continuity.

THE STORY

Chapter One -- Alright, so here we’re introduced to Haneul and Kai and the general situation. The plotline is intriguing, and Haneul’s character is described with much depth. The usage of flashback was very effective, and I especially liked how you compared the “old Haneul” with the “new Haneul.” However… you seem to have a problem with consistent verb tense and grammar. For instance…

And here I was, still staring at her closed window. I pondered when would she com