To you, my love!

You and I, we have been friends since we were very small.

We grew up together, studied together since kindergarten.

Our houses were next to each other.

Best friends, we were. But, I never thought we would ever be more than that.

===

Eighteen years old, we entered university, it opened up a new life for us, an independent life, far from home.

New schools, new friends, new city, we were like the small fishes swimming to the broad sea from our familiar river. Together, we explored this new life.

A little concerning about each other, a few small fights we had. Just some little things but they were enough to pull us closer, pulled us together forever.

===

Nineteen years old, we still liked each other, we were always together, but we were still timid and shy. Not really official.

That time, I treated you more than a friend, and so did you.

Those sweet, sweet feelings we had for each other, and they warmed my tiny heart.

What we felt for each other, it was not yet love but definitely more than between friends.

===

Twenty years old, we were officially a couple. Our love was like those in my dreams, it was so beautiful.

I like the sunny days, when you would wait for me at my school gate. The two of us would hold hands and strolled miles to get home together. Despite the shining sun above our head, we didn’t feel tired, just looking at your face made me happy.

I also like the windy days, we would fly the kite together. Or, we would play the swings in the parks. Our laughter rang in the air. We were so happy back then.

I like the rainy days, either. We were walking under the rain when an umbrella would appear out of nowhere with your mischievous smile. Oh, you hid it, didn't you? I didn’t scold you, just grinned back at you playfully. We are dorky, I knew it. And together, we continued to walk home without anything to cover us. Like idiots in others’ eyes, but it didn’t matter. As long as we were happy together, right?

And not forget to mention the holidays, you would give me a lavender bouquet, the flower that I love the most. Together with it, you would give me your handmade gifts that you stayed up all night long to make for me and a long handwrite letter. You wrote for me a lot and I treasured every written word. Had I ever tell you that you are very romantic or cheesy? Don’t worry, not that I complained. I love everything you gave me.

There were rare days that we fought, but I also like them. I would sulk and gave you the cold treatment. I even cried sometimes. You would try to appease me, and if it couldn’t stop me from crying, you would cry together with me. How silly of you! But I love you being like that.

In fact, I love every day I was with you.

Our love, it was so surreal and I had thought that it would last forever, that nothing could tear us apart…

===

Twenty one years old, you left me without telling me when you would be back. It came so suddenly, I wasn't prepared.

Why were you so cruel?

Those days, I lived like a crazy girl, my life lost its colors. A dark, grey shadow covered it all.

Day and night, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like my tears were endless.

Why did you leave me?

I didn’t want it, I couldn’t stand it.

===

Twenty two years old, you were still in your twenty first.

I had learned that you would never be back by my side anymore. One year without you, it was pure torture.

Those days when we were still together, they played back in my mind in slow motion.

Those memories were still crystal clear in my head, they tortured my heart.

They just refused to leave me.

Why did you do it to me?

I had learned that you would never be with me, but my tears…

They just couldn’t stop falling.

===

Another year had passed, I was in my twenty third. You were still the twenty one years old guy.

Maybe, you had forgotten about me a long ago. But Luhan-ah, you were still there in my heart. You will always be.

I missed you so much…

Whenever I saw lavender, I cried.

It rained, I also cried.

Shouting out your name in my heart, my tears kept streaming down.

While I walked down the street, suddenly, I caught someone with your familiar figure, I cried again.

Everywhere I went, the streets, our schools’ campus, they were filled with our memories.

I couldn’t help but think about you.

Everything reminded me of you.

Why couldn’t you just leave my mind?

===

I hate you so much, but I also miss you, do you know?

I hope that I could meet you in another life so we could love each other more than the times we had together.

You had told me to live happily, merrily, all the sadness, the pain, let you endure it alone.

You would cry but I have to smile.

You would go away but I have to live your life for you.

Count on me!

I would smile more for you.

I would live a happy life for you.

I would fall in love again as you wished.

As hard as it is, I would try.

But one thing I couldn’t do for you.

That is forgetting you.

I will always miss you, my twenty-one-year-old guy.

===

To you, in heaven…