Jonghyun collapsed onto his bed. “I’m sooo tired.” he groaned. Key poked him as he passed his bed.    

“At least change before you fall asleep.” he said. Jonghyun grinned and sat up. All around him, the other members of SHINee were doing their usual night routine. Key was headed to the bathroom to take a shower, Onew was brushing his teeth in the doorway, laughing at something Minho was saying. Minho was already changed, lounging on his bed. Taemin wasn’t paying attention to anyone; he had his earbuds in and was lost in his music, fingers tapping to the beat on his bedspread. And Jonghyun was just laying on his bed, waiting for Key to get out of the bathroom, which would take at least a half an hour.

After a while, Taemin had fallen asleep with his mp3 on. Key was still in the bathroom, Jonghyun gave up waiting and just got changed. Onew made do with the kitchen sink to rinse out his mouth and was now at the light switch.

“I’m turning out the light.” he called. Minho blinked his eyes open blearily from where he’d been falling asleep.

“Yeah.” then he shut them again, falling asleep instantly. Onew made his way back to his bed, hearing Key feeling his way through the room to his own bed.

Jonghyun pulled the covers up to his chin and to his side. He closed his eyes and was asleep at once.

Before long, they were all awakened rudely by their manager coming in.

“Get up, we’ve got news for you.” he said. They all sat up, rubbing their eyes.

“Whazgoinon?” Minho mumbled, sitting up, shielding his eyes against the light that the manager had just .

“What’s this news?” Taemin asked, squinting at him. The five of them got out of bed and gathered around their manager.

“We’re splitting you guys up.” Jonghyun blinked. What? “Taemin and Minho will go together. Kibum and Onew, you will be together. And Jonghyun, we think you’d do fine by yourself.”

All five blinked and just stared at him for a minute.

Fast forward about ten minutes. Jonghyun was reeling, but the others didn’t seem so upset. On the contrary, Taemin and Minho had gone into the corner, thinking about opening an industry in Japan, 2Min Entertainment. Onew and Key had already decided to go to America and debut there. Jonghyun just sat by himself in the center of the room, stunned by the news. Was he the only one who was upset by this?

The next few weeks were spent in a whirlwind of activity. The others were packing out of the dorm, excitedly thinking about the future. Jonghyun was to stay in South Korea, so he wasn’t moving out. He’d have the whole dorm to himself, as an apartment.

He accompanied the others to the airport, hugging them tightly, unwilling to let them go without him. They returned his hugs quickly, then boarded their respective planes.

And that was the last time he ever saw any of them.

He spent most of his time in the coming years recording new songs and scheduling appointments for interviews and concerts. He put out CD after CD of songs and raps, each one better than the last. SM was extremely satisfied; they knew he’d do well on his own. He had a lot of talent just begging to be put out there. He had a bigger fanbase than even DBSK; most of Korea was obsessed with him. His concerts drew thousands of people.

Occasionally, he checked up on the progress of his friends in Japan and America. 2Min Entertainment was the biggest entertainment business in Japan. Key and Onew were now both fluent in English and were flourishing in America. And he knew how successful he had become.

And he was miserable. He couldn’t make himself be happy, for himself or the former members of SHINee. He felt himself spiraling into depression. He was by himself most of the time. In the last few years, he felt himself missing SHINee’s activities more and more until he could barely keep a smile on his face, real or otherwise. He’d been by himself for longer than SHINee had been together, but those years were the best he’d ever had being in the industry.

Whenever a new CD of his came out, he crossed out the “Kim Jonghyun” at the top on his copy, writing “SHINee” instead. More than one of these CDs had tear drops on them.

Jonghyun spent a lot of his free time in bars. He’d begun to enjoy the feeling of letting everything go hazy with the alcohol. Everything was forgotten when he was drinking. But the feeling didn’t last and he began seeking it at least every night.

One night, he was sitting in a new bar when the bartender came up to him with an excited look on his face.

“Are you Kim Jonghyun?” he asked eagerly. Jonghyun just looked at him. Suddenly, he was so sick and tired of being famous. He was just fed up with everything.

“No. I just look like him.” he said tonelessly, watching the man’s eager expression fade away.

“Oh. Ok. Would you like anything?”

A reprieve. A way to end his existence. To go back in time and turn everything back the way it was. “A round of scotch, please.”

A few hours later, Jonghyun stumbled back to his apartment and collapsed on his bed. He couldn’t believe what had happened to him. Tears started leaking out of his eyes and onto his pillow. Eventually, he cried himself to sleep.

*    *    *

Jonghyun’s eyes snapped open. He sat up, looking around him, expecting to see the empty room staring back at him. He heard the quiet breathing of the other SHINee members all around him and for a minute he was confused. His eyes widened and he felt tears prickling them. It had just been a dream.

And that was when he started sobbing; but he wasn’t crying normally. His entire body was heaving with sobs, and he was completely unable to stop. Each time he thought he’d be able to take a breath, they came again, thicker and faster than before. He tried to be quiet, to not wake up the other members and just sat there, back against the wall, head in his hands, and cried his heart out.

In the bed above him, Key opened his eyes. He squinted at his watch. 4 am. What was that sound? He sat up, listening to the sounds coming from the bed below him.

He jumped down and sat on Jonghyun’s bed.

“Jonghyun? What’s wrong?” he whispered urgently. Jonghyun didn’t say anything. He just sobbed harder, if that was possible, at his voice. “Jonghyun, tell me what’s wrong! Talk to me!” with his worry, Key’s voice had risen and he was no longer whispering. The other members heard, and were lifting their heads.

Minho sat up quickly, smacking his head on the bottom of Onew’s bed. Onew felt it.

“What was that for?” he asked the unseen Minho below him.

“Kibum’s talking too loud.” Minho mumbled rubbing his head, glancing across to Key and Jonghyun.

“What’s going on?” Taemin peered out from under his covers, untangling his earbuds from around his arm and pulling his mp3 from under his back.

All three got out of bed and crowded around Jonghyun’s bed in alarm at him crying.

“Jonghyun? Are you ok?” Onew asked. Jonghyun didn’t answer, he just rocked back and forth on his bed, repeating something under his breath, over and over again, like a mantra. They could barely hear what he was saying.

“We’re still SHINee, we’re still SHINee.” they exchanged glances, wondering what was making him say that.

“Jonghyun?” Minho ventured. “Can you tell us what happened?”

Jonghyun lifted his head. His face was flushed red and his cheeks were shining with tears, eyes bloodshot. “I . . . I had a . . . nightmare. It was nothing.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Onew asked. Immediately, Jonghyun was shaking his head vehemently. Key got up.

“I’ll get you a drink.” he disappeared into the kitchen and came out a few minutes later with a steaming cup of hot cocoa. He handed it to Jonghyun.

“Thank you.” Jonghyun said, voice slightly raspy and rough from crying. He took a shaky sip and held the mug with both hands cupped around it, staring at the wall opposite.

“What . . . what was your dream?” Taemin asked hesitantly. Jonghyun blinked and looked at him. They waited. Finally, he opened his mouth.

“In my dream, SHINee was split up.” everyone was silent at his words.

Key broke it. “That would never happen! SHINee would never split!” he said incredulously. Jonghyun looked at him right in the eyes.

“That’s what Dong Bang Shin Ki said.”   

Silence. Everyone reeled back, shocked that he’d said that. He couldn’t possibly believe . . .

“We’re too close for them to split us up.” Taemin said firmly. Jonghyun turned to him.

“Dong Bang Shin Ki said that too.”

Minho intervened, saying “That was a fluke. It doesn’t happen often. It’s a once in a lifetime thing, and we’re happy with things, anyway. There’s no reason for them to split us up.” Jonghyun looked down at his cocoa.

“I guess.” he muttered.

He still couldn’t believe it had all just been a dream; it had been so real, he actually thought SHINee had split up. He swallowed. If that actually happened, if his dream ever came true, he didn’t know what he would do with himself. He’d probably be worse off than he had been in his dream.

“Here, Taemin-ah. You finish this.” he handed the half-full mug to Taemin. The delighted expression on Taemin’s face made him smile a little. Key opened his mouth to protest, but closed it when he saw Jonghyun’s smile. No one spoke for a while as Taemin finished off the cocoa and placed it on a nearby table.

“Are you ok now?” Key asked Jonghyun. “We’re not splitting up. We’ll be together for as long as anyone ever would, ok?” he said softly.

Jonghyun nodded and laughed a little. “It was just a stupid dream.” he mumbled. “Don’t know why I got so upset.” the others patted him on the back, and each returned to his own bed. Taemin found his mp3 and wrapped the cord around it neatly, lying down. Minho cast a last glance at Jonghyun before turning to face the wall. Onew jumped onto his top bunk above Minho and was asleep again right away. Key returned to his top bunk.

“Good night, hyung.” he said softly to Jonghyun.

He got no answer. Jonghyun was already asleep again, face peaceful, but cheeks still wet with his tears.