When the first snow falls this season, will you have been the first one to say Merry Christmas? It’s been an hour and you wonder whether or not you should be reading the book in your hands right now, but the first statement penned in ink grasps you quite familiarly.

Just like any other days, Sehun had been freezing in front of the fire place – rereading countless of times the letters he once wrote to his Juliette. What happened though? That he rethinks again, a myriad of nostalgic warm Julys and teeth-jittering Decembers only fill his preoccupied mind. That was a year ago, though – and this season he has to endure the yearning. He can only look back at their memory lane: a book and pen in hand and a ring in another – only these he can yearn for with regretful smiles, lest the realization that you’re anything but a stray snowflake in a different season in his life now.

Sehun’s footsteps are heavy against the thick snow but he makes it to the park both of you once had gone to, where everything once felt so right. It’s different today than a year ago, he tells himself as he scans the beautifully lit park. Christmas lanterns and Christmas trees lighten the winter solace in his heart, thinking that maybe his shoulders would brush past yours, that maybe you’re back here too and you’ll look him in the eyes with orbs piercing, not with remorse nor ambivalence – just some reassurance of longing.

He takes note of everyone’s joviality, albeit his own vanishing, he urges himself to smile warmly today. It’s Christmas and until now he holds onto that wrapped box in his hands. “When will you come back?” He whispers through thick air, and a pang hits him as he remembers you won’t be the same anymore, you won’t be beside him forever.

Sehun walks around aimlessly, when he slips and bumps someone. “Let me help you,” he says rather panicky. But just like any other cupids play, they play with his and yours when both your fate converge once again. His time stops at eight in the evening when his heart fuzzes at the slightest touch of your hand.

And that is you; this is the first Christmas that had you and Sehun separated. This is you and him right now, an unchanging gaze yet almost outright warmth. Just as time stops, he holds your hand a little longer and then only does he realize something that rather knocks him down gradually, something of the same sparkling diamond, yet with a different red string which two lovers hold.

He looks at your ring finger, and he’s clenched his hand on his side as if questioning himself all the possibilities of it. Is he too late?

“It’s been.. so long, Sehun.” He brings his head up with an unsure gaze. The words come off you subtly so he wonders if you miss him like he’s longed for you. His eyes are glued until you think it’d be too uncomfortable already, seeing that you two haven’t seen each other in a year but it’s still the same. He’s have you in his arms, pushing back the thought of rules being broken.

“You’re back.” It’s the only thing that leaves Sehun’s lips, the breathy and yet hoarse voice grasps you in a tearful second.

“Sehun—“

--

It’s Christmas Eve and you and Sehun was supposedly off to your family dinner. He had insisted he’d wanted to talk to your parents about something. But that night had to be the most tearful one hadn’t it? Sehun had his arms wrapped around your waist when you decided to take him to the park a few blocks away from your university, where you two all began. He was all too loving, but you were too edgy, he had noticed this.

“Sehun, I’m sorry,” was all your words about when you slipped out of his arms, facing him although you were led with ambivalence. You had to face him and you had to break the bounds of perfection you thought you’d live happily ever after with. Sehun pulled you back with a questioning stare.

“I’ll be leaving tomorrow with my parents, Sehun, you know that right?” You had tried to start shakily, unsure on how to get to the point.

“I know, that’s why I’m going with you tonight to make it worthwhile—“

“But I’m not coming back, Sehun. Not to you. I can’t comeback anymore. I’m doing this… as a favor.” You pressed, looking away so as not to let tears overpower you. “I have been arranged, for someone, I’m sorry— I tried my best to slip out of my parents’ hands, but I – I used you.”

You had managed to pry away his touch when he tried to understand you. But instead of letting him hurt more, you had to tell pejorative lies. He shook his head disagreeing with you, knowing all of it had to be forced upon you. “Sehun, we just can’t, okay?”

He hadn’t asked furthermore, nor did he even meddle more with your situation. You had him back in your arms when you felt his tear stain your hands around his shoulder. “You were selfish, Kim.”

You were really too selfish, and for a year you had kept the truth with you. That Christmas, you had to let tears fall rather snowflakes.

---

“Sehun, I’m sorry.” You whisper once again with the same tone as a year ago. Sehun looks at you with familiarity. “You know I hate those words.” He chuckles as if he’s nonchalant about it, but he just wants to forget what you two have gone through and instead, cherish that you exactly, are beside him, right now.

You are quite unsure, but you slide your arms onto his side. “You could say I’m selfish, that I used you, but I’d rather spend one more year with you than get married right away. I was selfish thinking that we’d have a happy ending, Sehun, I was selfish letting you think that it’ll still be us.”

You’re now curling onto his comforting embrace; and though you’ve told him the truth he seems to understand it all. “I just loved you so much, Sehun.”

Sehun breaks away first and holds your hand like he’s used to for the past two years and his smile doesn’t falter. Although he tries, you know he’s broken inside and you’re at fault. His crescent eyes are feigned bliss as he kisses your fingertips. He gazes over your wedding ring before clutching your hands in his, nodding like he’s done taking it all in.

“I love you too, Kim. Still, still a lot. It’s still the same.” He laughs it off, pretending tears won’t fall and he blinks a little too much.

“Do you love him?” You’re rather taken aback by his words because you don’t know yourself. Before you utter, he presses. “You should love him, just like how you’ve learned to love me. Us weren’t supposed to be in the storybook, Kim, but we happened. So just, continue it, with your husband.”

With that, you two break away hesitatingly when a high-pitched voice calls upon you.

“Auntie Kim!”

You push Sehun away slowly in a safe distance, and you regret the moment his warmth leaves yours. You wish it could have lasted more. You look back to where the voice comes from and crouch down to the petite girl in pigtails as you open your arms. All the while, Sehun has his brows almost meeting in befuddlement.

“Auntie— is that Sehun appa?” The little girl rolls down the path way and past you to crash hug his supposed ‘appa.’ Sehun’s lifted her in his arms, spinning her in rounds.

“You’ve grown a foot taller, little buddy.” Sehun has all smiles until it’s reached his ears. I miss yous are exchanged, reminiscing those beautiful evenings you’ve walked with him and your niece, Sophie, as you dry your tears, and your niece used to be just 3.

“Sehun appa, I want you to meet my new appa.”

You’ve stopped midway when you hear your niece say those unexpectedly, but Sehun’s bound to know who’s your lucky man. Just as Sehun’s pondering finally syncs into him, he nods as if he’s all too excited with the little girl’s words.

“Oh, I see. I wanna meet Auntie Kim’s lucky man.” She willingly jumps out of Sehun’s embrace and off she comes back hand-in-hand with a man – your man.

When your husband arrives by your side, you initiate a short conversation, as if two strangers has just become acquaintances. “Hi, it’s been so long Sehun. Merry Christmas.” You two look at each other, both pained ones but Sehun shakes it off.

Sehun bids goodbye, kissing Sophie on the cheeks and promising her he’d take her out to the playground again like he used to. Sophie had been whining for quite some months now, telling you how she missed her Sehun appa.

---

“I’m so, so, sorry. Should I have fought for you? Who knows.” Sehun languidly sits on the bench, the lone street light the only thing lighting up his Christmas night. He opens the velvet covered box, a sentient smile graced on his lips. All the while you two have been together today, he thinks it’s time for him to apologize for his turning away – but he guesses it’s what supposed to be in the story book. He returns the box, knowing hopeful thoughts are to be kept away now. Although, unchanging feelings would last, that he knows of.  

---

“Who’s that guy again?” Your husband asks and you feign your softening upon hearing the topic. “He used to be just a really good friend.”

“Why don’t we have him over dinner with your parents? It’s Christmas tomorrow, anyway.” He inquires as you two walk away the park. “Was he the guy you’ve told me? Your best friend? Looks like he’s missed you, good thing we’re staying over for a vacation, honey.” He wraps his arms around you, smiling at how he’s understanding.

He’s the man you were supposed to love before you met Sehun, but Sehun – he will always be the reason you learned what love really is. And now, maybe, you’ll learn how to love your husband too, just like what Sehun has told you.

A year has passed and it’s Christmas again. A gift sent in under the name of First Snow, and you wonder who’d give you out a handwritten book.  After reading the first line, everything gradually comes back. Just like what you and Sehun used to be, what his last words meant to you, this story ends the same with this book in your hand. It’s 5 am and you discern it’s your supposedly own storybook.

Don’t hesitate anymore.

–        Oh Sehun