"I am Jongdae."

“Mom? Mom! Mom, wake up, p-please!” Five-year-old Jongdae sat beside his bleeding mother, body rocking with sobs.

“He’s not gonna wake up, you idiot, she’s dead.”

His father. The one who had slain the mother Jongdae had loved so much. He watched it happen with his own eyes, not mere moments ago.

“B-bring her back! Y-you k-killed her, s-so bring her back!” Jongdae screamed at the man glaring down at him. The young child somehow knew no fear at the moment. He simply wanted his mother to return.

Unfortunately, those words were not the wisest. His father grabbed him by the hair and pushed him into a wall. The man raised a fist at the young boy. Finally, Jongdae realized that this man was one to fear. He was going to die, he was going to leave this world the same way his mother did; at the hands of the cruel man he called ‘father.’

But the punch never came. Chen remembers seeing his father fall towards him, a strange looking blade in his neck. A boy a little older than him rushed towards Chen, a worried look on his face, his caring tone contrasting his actions as he pulled out the kunai knife, letting the blood spurt out of the fatal neck wound.

“Are you alright? What happened?”

When Jongdae only stared, wide eyed at the seemingly young boy handling blades so efficiently, the boy smiled, wiping the blood off of his knife.

“I must be scaring you, I’m sorry! I’m trying to help, really… you’re without a family now though, right? So you’ll need someone to take care of you, and properly, too, unlike your abusive father there… You can come with me for now, okay? My name’s Minseok, what’s yours?”

Chen couldn’t find a word to describe what he was feeling. He had dreamed of this moment for three years and some, yet what he felt right then was never what he had expected it to be like. There was no change in how he felt; the mask still hid his true self and there was still a hole within him that would not disappear. The only thing he felt at Minseok’s return was a stab of anger and… as he suddenly realized… fear. For what, Chen did not know, but as he looked into the eyes of the other boy, an unexplainable fear seeped into his lonely heart.

And when fear and anger came together, Chen reacted the only way he knew how to; according to his own sharpened survival instincts. He automatically reached for the gun of the dead man, lifting it to point the barrel at the boy standing still before him, hand shaking uncontrollably as he shifted his body closer to the corner of the room. The blank look in Minseok’s eyes changed to confusion as he saw the weak boy curled up against the wall, pointing the pistol at him with such fear in those beautiful, expressive eyes.

“Jongdae… W-what are you doing?” Minseok took a tentative step forward.

“What are these? I’ve never seen them before at home.”

“These? They’re called kunai knives. Very efficient in killing. They have a beautiful balance that can be used to your advantage, but it’s pretty hard to master the art of throwing kunai.”

“But you did it, right, Minseok-ssi?”

“Yeah. My father taught me. And what did I say, call me hyung!”

“C-can you teach me, hyung? I want to learn to defend myself.”

“Sure, I guess. But you have to be very careful, okay?”

“Okay!”

It was silent, a strained, tense atmosphere. Chen still held the gun, but was unable to pull the trigger. Minseok held his hands up in the air to show he had no weapons, taking another step forward.

“Jongdae, we never kill for the sake of it, okay? You may only kill to protect yourself or someone else. Please promise you will never stoop as low as the others in this world.”

“But then how do we survive, hyung?”

“Thievery, stealing, trading, those things are acceptable. Just promise me, Dae! Promise me.”

“O-okay. I promise.”

“Jongdae-ah. I won’t hurt you.” Another step. “Jongdae.”

“Minseok-ah, do you hate them?”

“Who? My parents?”

“Yeah, do you ever hate them?”

“No.”

“What? Why?”

“I used to think that hatred was the way to go. I refused to let go of my hate, because I thought there would be nothing left of me if I did.”

“Then what’s different now?”

“You’re here, Jongdae-ah.”

Minseok was barely a meter away.

“I won’t hurt you.” He repeated in a whisper. “Why are you scared… of me?”

The quiver in Minseok's voice was evident, and Jongdae saw his lower jaw clench, a telltale sign that he was trying not to cry. A tear slipped out anyway, as Minseok took another step forward.

“What do you mean?! Jongdae, you joined a gang?”

“Min–”

“You’re leaving me.”

“No, I was going to invite you–”

“You don’t understand, it’s the same as leaving me! I’ll have to share you!” The shorter boy wrapped his arms around Jongdae’s thin frame, burying his face into the crook of his neck. In moments, Minseok was in hot tears, much to Jongdae’s surprise. “You’re mine. I don’t like sharing.”

“Hyung…” Jongdae returned the embrace tentatively, unsure.

Minseok pressed his forehead to Jongdae’s, their lips almost touching, but not quite.

“Mine.” The warm breath of the older boy grazed Jongdae’s lips as the single word came out as a gentle whisper. Minseok’s eyes drifted closed, and he leaned forward just a bit—that was all that was necessary for their lips to touch. Jongdae let himself fall back onto their makeshift bed, Minseok's hands roaming freely on his body before Jongdae grabbed Minseok by his hair to engage in another heate liplock.

As they broke apart for air, Minseok wrapped his limbs tightly around Jongdae, burying his face into his neck again. Jongdae smiled, content.

“I suppose I don’t really mind staying an outcast…”

Minseok took the last step, kneeling down in front of Chen, cradling the barrel of the pistol, tears streaming down uncontrollably. “Look at me. I’m here. I’m here, Jongdae.”

“Y-you can’t…” Chen croaked out the syllables, voice thin from disuse.

“I’m here. I’m back.” Minseok slowly placed a hand on Chen’s cheek, cradling the scar that was etched there.

The touch was electrifying. It was what Chen had desired every day for years since Minseok left.  “You can’t do this again…”

And finally, Chen felt Minseok’s perfect, plump lips pressing against his own. The hole seemed to disappear all on its own, when it was just Chen and Minseok there.

It came like a tidal wave. Feelings, thoughts, and all those things that had been numbed and blended into a mess before suddenly exploded into tiny little shards, separating clearly from one another as color washed over the previously black and white world that Chen was in. The white noise that seemed to constantly surround Chen immediately cleared up into clearer, more distinct sounds. It felt like returning to the surface after being underwater for too long. And the most important part of it all… the mask that Jongdae had worn to hide himself burst away to make way for the real Jongdae.

Not Chen.

But Kim Jongdae.