"It's Minseok."

There used to be someone. My best friend, partner, and eventually, boyfriend. Remember when I said I used to have a reason to continue to fight? That was him. He was my reason to keep going. And it seems like right when I felt like I could deal with all that’s happened to me, fate decided to take the only person I had left in this cold, cruel world. His last words before they took him were a promise. Promising his return to me, that he would find a way back. But I suppose all promises were meant to be broken.

If you’ve ever waited for someone so close to you like this, you would know. The moment they leave, you reassure yourself that they will return, but already, that strong desire for them to be beside you already tugs at your whole person. When they don’t return for a long time, that feeling only grows more powerful and painful; suffocating and controlling your very soul. Cliché, I know, but that’s exactly what it feels like. And when you finally realize that they’re not coming back… then there’s nothing left anymore. You become empty, void of essence other than that uncontrollable yearning mixed with the pain, beyond description, that’s already taken over you.

Oh, you’ll learn to cope. You’ll paint a mask, and find yourself in a dull world, everything you see black and white, all sounds become white noise. You’ll become an empty shell behind a mask. The same way I, Kim Jongdae, have become Chen.

I don’t remember when it happened, but the dull routine that I walked myself through every day to survive finally put a cork to all my emotions. Over time, the pain disappeared as my mask grew more intricate and detailed. But the emptiness is still there. A hole that they left behind, and all you get out of it is a piercing ache and desire for that hole to be filled again. It’s an overpowering emotion that will pull you back in when you finally feel free. It won’t go so easily or be dulled just by a mask. I ignore it, many times, the longing for him to return. I grow used to it gnawing away on the edge of my thoughts, until it is like white noise to me. But sometimes, it comes back in all of its full glory to hit me like a brick. These serve as a reminder to me, that I’m still human, that I’m not just a mask, and most of all, that I’m still Kim Jongdae, the vibrant, colorful boy, somewhere deep down there.

With not a second to lose, Chen peeked outside again. He was right. There were two of them parked by the main entrance, only one armed with a gun. Chen would be at the disadvantage here, and all he had was the better knowledge of the building and the element of surprise. Adrenaline pumping through his veins, he crept down what used to be an emergency stairwell. With a hand over his heart and the other on the fire alarm in front of him, he took a deep breath. Come and get me, you filthy scum.

In one motion, he pulled the alarm and ran down the stairwell. They would approximate the location of him now, if they weren’t dumb. With a loaded pistol in each hand, he crept out of the stairwell, past many apartment doors until he reached a storage hallway, hiding within one of the stalls.

He could hear the shouts in the distance. He understood gang strategy, and they often split up to search a place like this. Chen was able to use this to his advantage very often in the past.

A loud thud and some heavy footfalls indicated a nearby member of the Paradoxious. Chen pressed his spine into the wooden planks that made up the separators of the stalls, listening. At least one was headed this way, there was no way they would miss this hallway. His grip on the pistols tightened.

Chen peeked through a small crack in the planks, and saw a figure clad in rugged, rolled up jeans and a t-shirt despite the weather (Chen had noticed earlier that all six of them were dressed similarly, like they had an immunity to the bitter winter cold that was spreading through at this time of year) entered the hallway, oblivious of the fact that his target was mere meters from him. He didn’t have any protective gear. They were cocky, and like how it happened with most gangs, they underestimated the resources outcasts could get their hands on.

Three more steps, you thug, and you’re a goner. Chen thought, letting out slow and quiet breathes. Two more, come on. And… one.

Bye-bye.

Chen saw the muscly arm first, then the rest of the body, from where he was hiding. Luckily for Chen, his target was scanning the other direction. With not a second to waste, Chen spun out from where he was, sending a bullet through the poor man’s head.

A rippling pain struck through Chen’s left arm, the impact sending him reeling. A bullet was imbedded into his upper left arm, and the gun that was in his left hand had dropped on the ground with a ping. Thankfully, adrenaline kept him going on instinct, and he shot better with his right hand anyway, so he gave quick return fire before ducking behind the planks once more. He didn’t wait to see if it hit or not. Chen cursed. He was careless, he hadn’t thought that there would be a second gang member. He felt protected in the vest but forgot about the other places where he could be easily injured.

But it was no time to be reflecting on his mistakes again. There was some grunting outside in the hallway, signifying that the second man was still alive. Trying to block out the pain in his arm, Chen listened carefully to hear any other people coming his way. Confirming that there were none, he came out of safety, and shot at the writhing body on the floor, before rolling towards cover immediately to avoid return fire. The bullet struck home, sending a spurt of blood out from the neck of Chen’s victim, as the thin man’s eyes dulled, and rolled back in his head. Suddenly, Chen heard scurrying footsteps from above. He had to act quickly. Picking up the weapons of both men, he took out the ammunition and slipped it into a pocket in the jacket, before ripping a large strip of fabric from the shirt of one of the men, the one that seemed thicker, and wrapping it carefully around his wound, biting back a wince from the sharp pain. He was about to return to his little hiding spot when…

“Nope.” The voice was coarse, just like the hands that grabbed him by the collar, shoving him into the wall, face-first. Chen could feel the gun barrel pressing into the back of his head. The belt suddenly became lighter, as one of them began taking all of his prized blades away, leaving Chen feeling vulnerable, defenseless. The gun he was holding was taken away as well.

Chen cursed in his head, for once not knowing what to do. There was a second storage hallway that was adjoined with this one through the storage compartments that he had been hiding in. Of course. His careless mistakes would no doubt lead to his downfall. He could brood in the afterlife.

While Chen was breaking down on the inside, however, his blank expression did not change on the outside as he was against the wall again, his spine hitting the cement this time. There were two men standing in front of him, both identically tall, bulky, and strangely, blonde.

Both were carrying thick, long knives with strangely curved ends, but only one of them was equipped with firearms, the same pistol of which Chen had the pleasure of feeling on his skull just moments ago. The one with it crouched down, slowly, almost mockingly. Smirking to reveal disgusting browned teeth, he leaned closer to Chen’s face, close enough for Chen to smell the vile stench emitted from each breath he exhaled. When he spoke, it was just as slow as well, letting Chen breath in the revolting odor for longer.

“Did you really think you would get away with the murder of an elder and founder of the Paradoxious? Eh, boy? Is that what you thought?” He laughed a cracked sound that sounded extremely off to Chen, causing the younger boy to wonder, for a moment, whether this man was high or not. But then he decided, since he seemed all serious in being threatening, he was probably not on anything at the present. “You just dug it deeper by killing our buddies here, you know. But you’re going to pay… Now.

The pistol was pressed to Chen’s forehead, the cold steel chilling against his forehead. He could see it now. This was where he was going to die. He took a deep breath in, and exhaled slowly, closing his eyes.

Ssss…. Thunk. Thunk.

The pressure on Chen’s forehead disappeared, and he opened his eyes to see the man who was about to take his life away, staring right back at him. For a moment, Chen was confused, but to his amazement, the man’s eyes suddenly lolled back into his head, and he fell forwards, just missing Chen, with a thud, a dagger impaled in his neck. A moment later, the second man did the same, landing flat on his face, a kunai knife stuck into his neck instead.

Chen’s jaw nearly dropped. Not at the two men who had died right before they were about to kill him. Not at the perfect precision of the blades that had pierced at the most vital part in the neck. He stared, astonished, at the boy, no, he was a man now, who stood not ten feet from him. The person who had saved his life. Twice now.