19/11/2013

They had ended on 23/12/2012. And she was gone on 24/12/2012. Then came the painful Christmas. Everyone cried on 25/12/2012. Or rather, those who knows Jae Yee. As a friend, a family, a sister, an acquaintance, or a lover. She was nowhere to be found. Nowhere. On earth.

And since then, Suho was a ghost of what he used to be. He was a body. Soulless body. He’s empty. As empty as a broken bottle floating on the sea.

Every day, he would do the same thing.

Go to school, go to the café, go back home. It was the same routine every single day.

The café.

It was where they met, where they started, where they had their first date, where they had their 2 anniversaries, where they had their last everdate.

Their first meeting.

It was cliché.

It’s the common starting of a love story.

Jae Yee bought a mocha frappe and a plate of red velvet. Suho, the clumsy guy, bumped into Jae Yee causing Jae Yee’s red velvet to drop onto the ground. The cake stuck to the ground, leaving only crumbs on the plate.

Jae Yee’s eyes widened at her precious redvelvet on the ground. She could feel anger rise in her. She had had a really bad day. And now, when she was finally able to sit down and have the I’ve-been-craving-for-you-so-much-red-velvet, the red velvet slipped right of her hand and onto the ever-so-hateful-ground.

Jae Yee could feel angry and frustrating tears forming at the corner of her eyes. She looked up angrily at the guy who bumped into her, Suho. She was slightly surprised by how good looking he was. If she wasn’t having such a bad day, she woud have been able to control her anger and tears when she saw him.

Suho saw the tears that formed at the corner of her eyes and immediately panicked. He glanced at the red velvet on the ground and immediately said, “ I bought a red velvet too! I can give that to you!”

Jae Yee seem to be okay with it and calmed down a little.

Suho brought her to his table and Jae Yee’s eyes lit up at the sight of the red velvet. She immediately sat down and started on the red velvet. Suho watched her eat and a smile formed on his lips.

How cute.

“Were you having a bad day?” Suho asked out of the blue.

“How did you know?” Jae Yee asked back before sipping on her mocha frappe.

“You don’t seem like a girl who would cry over small things like that,” Suho replied.

“Hmm, yeah. I had a pretty bad day,” Jae Yee replied as she finished off the last mouthful of red velvet.

“Do you want to share it?” Suho asked.

Jae Yee didn’t know why, but she felt that she could trust Suho. She wasn’t a girl who trusts others easily, but she felt really comfortable with Suho and so she spilled.

Since then they became closer after finding out they were from the same school.

Then, six months later, they confessed their feelings for each other at the café, and started.

They had their first date there again after a few days.

And then for their next 2 anniversaries, they celebrated there.

Their 3^rd anniversary wasn’t celebrated since Suho, being a nice man, had to go and help some random girl, and forgot about his and Jae Yee’s anniversary. Jae Yee waited for Suho at that café for 4 freaking hours. Who wouldn’t be angry? Anyone would be. 4 hours is a very long time indeed, to help someone. And Suho didn’t even call for that entire day. And that was definitely enough to hit Jae Yee’s nerves.

_

Today, Suho is here for a blind date. Lay, his best friend, was the one who set him up. Apparently, Lay couldn’t stand seeing Suho moping around like a walking dead.

My close friend introduced me to a girl, I guess he felt bad for me.

Suho sat down at the usual place Jae Yee and him would sit at. He stared out of the window as Only U of vixx played on the radio. He smiled, seeing the similarity between his situation and the situation of the song. Suho shook his head slightly, trying hard not to think of Jae Yee.

Her first impression was good.

A lady sashayed into the café. She was one beautiful lady. She wore a red dress, red lipstick and red heels. A scarf was wrapped around her neck and she has silky black hair. She had big round eyes and a rather nice nose. A cheek was tinted red because of the cold winter. She walked towards Suho with a bright smile. Suho knew from her smile that he had passed her first test; appearance. Suho returned with a smile.

The smile wasn’t genuine, yet wasn’t too fake. That’s how he’d live for the past 1 year.

“Hi, my name is Kim Jieun,” the lady held out her hand and Suho shook it.

“Kim Joonmyun, people call me Suho,”

Suho waved for the waiter and the lady took her order. The lady talked to Suho with a bright smile, and Suho only stared at her.

She kind of looked like you but at some point, she completely looked like you.

Suho looked at the lady’s eyes and found the same brown he had gotten used to. The lady had silky black hair just like his beloved Jae Yee. He looked at her and to his surprise, he saw Jae Yee. He blinked a few times, before the lady appeared in front of him again.

She’s saying something but it’s not coming into my ears.

Suho simply sipped on his mocha silently, zooming out and into the memories he and jae yee shared. The lady continued speaking, but Suho didn’t pay any attention.

The words I’m mumbling are stories about you.

Soon, Suho’s habit came out and he started talking about Jae Yee, Jae Yee’s stories, his and Jae Yee’s stories. The lady looked at him with a weird expression, wondering why on earth would he be talking about another girl when he was on a blind date.

You are in every word I say, yeah.

Suho kept on talking about Jae Yee non- stop and this time, it’s the lady’s turn to sip on her latte silently, zooming out.

The lady tried to change the subject and Suho seems to accept it well.

The more she smiles, the sadder I get.

She smiled as she talked about her daily life and her work. She smiled even more when Suho seem to be listening. But the thing is, Suho is getting more and more uncomfortable and down when he saw her smiling. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking of the smile Jae Yee always gave him.

As time goes by, the more I feel like a sinner.

He knew that it was wrong to think about Jae Yee when he was on a blind date with a lady. And he felt bad for comparing her with Jae Yee. He felt bad because even if he was physically here, his mind and heart was somewhere else. He knew it was unfair for the lady seated in front of him.

I’m such a bad guy, she’s being so affectionate.

Suho looked at the lady in front of him and he mentally beat himself up. He was thinking of Jae Yee while the lady was so nice towards him. She talked about her own daily life animatedly but nothing was getting into Suho’s ears.

Suho apologized and said he had to leave due to some emergency, the lady took it quite lightly and it was only then did he notice behind him was another guy, waiting for the lady. Suho thought she had another blind date and left quickly.

As he stepped out of the café, he sighed.

Jae Yee wasn’t going to leave his mind any sooner.

-

24/12/2013

I try to find you, who I can’t see.

Suho looked around his house, trying to find the person he wished he could see right now. His eyes searched every corner, but no matter how he look for Jae Yee, he can’t see her.

I try to hear you who I can’t hear.

Suho tried to listen, in hopes for hearing Jae Yee’s angel-like voice. But no matter how he focus to listen, he could not hear her.

Then I started to see things I couldn’t see, hear things I couldn’t hear.

Out of a sudden, Jae Yee appeared in front of him but as quickly as she appeared, she was gone. And then, suddenly, Suho heard Jae Yee calling his name, but it was for only a second. And it all felt like a dream. He didn’t know if he actually saw her, he didn’t know if he actually heard her.

The selfish me, who always only knew myself.

Suho slumped down on his couch. He touched the empty space beside him as memories and tears found him. He regretted all he had done. He regretted neglecting her, he regretted for being selfish. He had grown to like all the attention the girls gave him and in turn, he gave them his attention. He enjoyed the attention so much he forgot the very person who had gave all of her to him. He was selfish. Very.

The heartless me, who didn’t even know your heart.

Suho’s vision blurred and rounded edges became jagged. He missed her so much. Really much. If only he had been more conscious of her feelings, she would be sitting right beside him. He took of his ring, because he knew the girls would ask about it and he didn’t want to lose all the attention. But what he didn’t know was, this simple action had caused the one he loves to get hurt so badly and then before he knew, he had lost her.

Even I can’t believe I changed like this.

Suho shook his head. He really didn’t know how he could change into someone so heartless, so selfish. He wasn’t like that. In the past, all he needed was Jae Yee’s attention. But he had started liking all the attention that somehow, the Suho Jae Yee had known before, was gone. But now he’s back. But what’s the use of it? Jae Yee wasn’t here anymore.

Because each snow flake is your each tear drop.

Suho stepped into his front porch and watched the snowflakes drift down. He had grown to think the snowflakes were the tears of Jae Yee. He knew she was watching him from above. He felt pathetic at the thought. Even till now, all he could do was make Jae Yee cry. His own tear drops fell and his legs lost its energy. He fell onto the snow coated ground as tears continued to fall like the snowflakes.

The one thing I can’t do is to bring you to me.

If anyone asked what he wanted as his Christmas present, the answer would be Jae Yee. But he knew no one could bring her to him, neither could he do that. But he desperately wanted her. He missed her so much he didn’t know he could miss someone so much. Every single day, his mind was filled with Jae Yee and mostly, only Jae Yee. He couldn’t live a normal life. Because his life is Jae Yee. And if Jae Yee isn’t here anymore, he would never be able to live a normal life.

I stop time and go back to you.

Suho absolutely wished he could stop time and go back to Jae Yee. He would spend all his time with Jae Yee, shower all of his love and attention on Jae Yee. Only Jae Yee. But that is if he could go back. Too bad, there’s no way he could go back in time to change everything.

25/12/2013

Early in the morning, Suho woke up. He quickly washed up and he wore the grey sweater Jae Yee had given him the Christmas 2 years ago. He looked at himself in the mirror and finally realized what losing Jae Yee had done to him. His face was pale, there were heavy eye bags under his eyes and there was no sign of life in his eyes. He sighed. He could care less about his appearance.  He quickly got out of his house and drove his car down to the flower shop down the street. He got off his car and walked into the shop. The florist greeted him with a smile in which he returned with a rather forced one. He walked over to the Lilacs and decided on purple ones. He knew purple Lilacs represent first love. He read up a little on floriography.

After paying for the Lilacs, he drove to their hill. Suho couldn’t go to Jae Yee’s grave because Sehun and the others would be there. He sat down under their tree. He placed the purple Lilacs on the ground and he waited. He knew Jae Yee would come. He just had to wait. He closed his eyes and listened to the wind. He waited and waited, hoping for Jae Yee’s arrival. After a pretty long time, he opened his eyes. And there in front of him, stood Jae Yee, in the white long dress he had gave her.

Suho looked at her and his hands unconsciously reached out, trying to touch her.

“Joonmyun, it’s time to move on,” Jae Yee whispered, ever so gently, so soothingly. Suho only stared on, not speaking.

Slowly, really slowly, Suho’s tears slid down his cheek. He missed his girl so much. So damn much it hurts.

“Where did you go?” Suho asked as tears continue flowing down his cheeks.

Jae Yee shook her head.

She started fading away.

“Don’t you dare follow me to where I go,” and with that, Jae Yee faded away.

Suho let out a painful cry and he buried his face in his hands. He loved her so much, he missed her so much.

But even if he gives all of his love, she can’t ever come back to him.

And he could only live on with his snow coated heart.