✖ TheLandofBrownSugar
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✖ Behind the Mask ✖
By TheLandofBrownSugar
Title:
The title is pretty common here in AFF and all but it matches the plot of your story very well. And you played it safe, it isn't that eye-catching and if I were to see this browsing tags in AFF, I would actually ignore it.
Description/Foreword:
The description is short and to the point which is what I like. It leaves the reader wanting to read more. Your description doesn't explain the whole story but it has a little mystery to it which would pull the reader into waiting for the first chapter.
Plot:
The plot is quite cliched, this isn't the first time I've read a fic of where a person isn't really who they are or who they seem to be, but hey, cliches are cliches for a reason, aren't they? They never get old. But you made it your own so kudos to that.
Flow:
Considering that this is a one/threeshot, your flow is beautiful. Not to fast and not to slow either and you tie the chapters together so they connect well with each other. You paced it well and it wasn't choppy at all.
Layout:
Your layout was neat too and it wasn't a pain in the eye.
Grammar/Punctutation:
Usually, I'm pretty harsh when it comes to grammar and spelling and punctuation. Its because if a story has an interesting and intriguing plot and is ruined by romanisation or bad grammar/spelling/punctuation, it turns off my "feeling", you know? But considering that English isn't your first language, I'll put this aside but I'll still point out your mistakes.
Okay, in the description, you wrote: "Although he didn't like it much, being early on days like these could be quite beneficial." the first sentence of it didn't sound quite right to me so instead of that, maybe you should've wrote: "Although he didn't enjoy it that much, being early on days like these could be quite beneficial.". And in the second paragraph, you wrote: "be it just his name or age." the "just" in that sentence wasn't necessary. Third sentence, "thinking about stopping by the library or something." instead of that, maybe you could try this instead: "he thought of stopping by the library or doing something before leaving."
Original: "The image of the fearless delinquent with the scary looks and dark background."
New: "The image of a fearless delinquent with scary looks and an equally dark background."
Chapter 1:
Original: "There were clouds outside. Around here there were always clouds, but those were threatening with the power of rain. It wasn't the best thing to wake up to, but somehow it fit his mood; a little empty."
New: "It was cloudy outside. Around that particular area, it was always cloudy, but the clouds today were threatening with rain. It wasn't the best thing to wake up to, but it had somehow managed to fit his mood; slightly empty."
Original: "The local high school was far enough that he needed his bike for this trip. He was early and everything, but he'd really like the silence of it. It was comforting unlike the one at home."
New: "The local high school was a bike ride's distance away. He was early and everything, but he really liked the early morning silence. It was a comforting silence, unlike the deafening silence he'd wake up to at home."
Just a note, "he'd" means "he would" and you spelt "mischevious" as "mischivious". And after the word "surrounding" a "near" would've been nicer. And blond is for guys whereas blonde is for girls so just that little mistake there.
Original: "Guys! You're making me embarrassed!"
New: "Guys! You're embarrassing me!"
Original: "Hoya frowned and walked inside his school." this part confused me a little because, is he walking inside the school or is he about to enter the school? If its the latter, then your sentence should've been "Hoya frowned and entered the school."
Chapter 2:
Original: "People may be scared of him and afraid to approach him, but that didn't stop him from doing what he liked the most. As soon as he entered the gym in sweatpants and wife beater, the music and an addicting rhythm filled the giant room."
New: "People may fear him. People may fear approaching him too, but that didn't stop him from doing what he liked the most. As soon as he entered the gym in looser clothing, the music started and an addicting rhythm filled the room."
Original: "He moved to the music, blind to the rest of the world."
New: "He moved to the music, blurring out everything else around him."
Original: "She was looking somewhere at him, probably in thoughts."
New: "She was examining him, probably in thought."
Chapter 3:
The sentence "He searched his bag without luck." is pretty incorrect. It doesn't really make sense. Instead you should've just left the "without luck" part out. And you also mispelled "moment" as "moement". But besides those grammatical errors, everything was fine and your choice of words were good.
Overall Enjoyment:
Personally, I was half and half reading this fic. Probably because I've read these type of stories before and I don't actually like oneshots but it was good and interesting to read, its just that its a bit boring for me. Would reccommend this to Infinite/SNSD fans though but it wasn't really my type.
✖ review by soosoosoojung
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