First of all, your title was okay. It wasn’t really that interesting to me and on a second note, I won’t click on it either because of the uneven capitalizing with the title. You should consider changing “Don’t go” to “Don’t Go”. It’ll look much better despite the lack of originality in the actual title itself. If I skimmed through the updates list on AFF and saw this, I’d probably think it’s just another one of those soppy, depressing stories so I would never click on it.

Your description is not attracting at all.  I don’t really know what to say about it since there isn’t much there. The pictures of the characters just look out of place there, not to mention your chosen one-liner which is in brackets underneath them. I don’t know, it just all looks uninteresting so I suggest you should change and add a few of things to make the description and foreword and eye-catching because they are the things that decide if your story is going to be read or not. It’s the place people will either click ‘next’ or walk away from. It’s a really important introduction to the story.

First chapter, and those exact pictures and quote again. Hmm.

In the first two paragraphs of the first chapter, there was no capitalizing of the main character’s names.

Your layout really irked me. I just didn’t like it. It was easy to read but some parts stuck together more than others and just looked like chunks next to each other. You could break a part some of your paragraphs too. Another thing was your quotations. There is no need to make them bold or italics. And there is also no need to put space before the ending and beginning of the quotation before you put the mark. Here’s an example.

“ Yes he is, you can go to his office. “ (The underline is where you spaced in the beginning and end of quote)

“Yes he is, you can go to his office.”

See the difference in the quotation marks at the end? Mine goes inwards and yours go out.

Krystal made a small bow, now making the way inside of her husband yet when she was about to open door…

This also sounded a bit funny. I don’t think you intended for the readers to think that she was ‘making her way inside her husband’. I suggest you revise this.

I don’t know if you rechecked this or not but there are loads of careless mistakes, typos, places missing punctuation and words (such as I) and names that you did not capitalize! Please go back and reread it over and just recheck for all of these things.

The word -flashback- that sort of appeared out of nowhere made me cringe a little too. Instead of doing that, you could’ve just put the line break in and/or make the flashback part fully in italics.

Since this is only the first chapter, there’s not I can say about the flow of the story but what I can say about the plot is that I have a very, very faint idea of a cliché plot coming to light so I hope you’ll somehow twist and play with it and make it your own, different.

Well, this obviously isn’t completed but I’ve got to be honest with you, the beginning really needs some tending to. Would I continue reading this? No. I’d drop it on the spot. Maybe it’s not the type of thing I read. Maybe it’s just the layout. I don’t know.

I know I was really harsh on you and I hope you aren’t bawling your eyes out while reading all this. I’m not a mean person, trust me, I just want to help you get better in writing. It breaks my heart after writing all these things after seeing your little happy author’s note at the end of the chapter… But…it is my job after all. I really hope you got more from this than just a mean little rant.