Joonmyun is so use to the haze by now that he doesn't even flinch anymore. He's so use to waking up in the mornings, more tired than when he remembers going to sleep, and being unable to even move. He just waits it out until the minutes drag closer to the time he's suppose to be at the bus to meet Baekhyun. 

He can't stand the cold weather that's taken up residence in Seoul. The snow is always too watery, it's too cloudy for his personal taste, and he can never seem to be warm enough. 

The building is heated and Joonmyun's still in his heavy coat but it still doesn't feel right. On particularly terrible days, like today, he eats alone in the auditorium. Not that he doesn't enjoy the time with Baekhyun and Sehun. It's just that they don't understand that he needs personal space. Baekhyun is always to loud and Sehun is too clingy. It's uncomfortable.

He still has too much time to spare and this is when regrets not letting someone tag along. He lets the haze of past trauma wash over him and drown him. No matter how hard he tries to swim to the surface it always pulls him back in. Getting heavier and heavier until he can't breathe and his eyes start watering from the strain in his chest.

He hears a door opening nearby but doesn't fully register that someone else has intruded on his hiding place. He leans back against the wall and just sobs, not trying to be quiet cause he knows no one will hear him even if he were to scream. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out, just hot air.

His chest hurts and his head is pounding when he cleans up the mess he made with his lunch. He stops when he hears music waft into the rather eerie quiet of the usually abandoned auditorium. The melody is easily recognized but sounds distorted through the loud ringing in his ears. There's also the distinct sound of shoes against the wooden and glossed stage.

The boy on the stage is in a black and white cardigan that billows around him when he turns. Joonmyun hasn't moved and is afraid to because the other might disappear like everyone else seems to do. The boy, who looks a lot like a strange angel, makes eye contact with him but doesn't stop moving.

The last few notes of the song die out and the ringing gets louder in the silence. "I'm sorry." Joonmyun bows and turns to make a run for it. He had obviously been intruding. 

Joonmyun is surprised to find the same boy sprawled out on his bed and eating his food, only a week or so later. The small house is silent and feels empty though whatever Jongin has decided to watch is loud. It echoes through the empty hallway and Joonmyun buries himself in his science book.

He knows he's good in science but he isn't retaining any of this information. Not when Jongin keeps kicking him from behind and laughing so loud it rivals the television. Jongin lectures him about taking a break and joining him in a video game or something but Joonmyun just declines.

"Loosen up some would you?" Jongin asks and shifts to be on his stomach, hovering above the other. Joonmyun ignores him though it's hard to do when he's kicking Joonmyun in the leg this time. Joonmyun can't find it in himself to be irritated like he knows he should be.

Jongin exclaims how bored he is and slides down to join the older on the beige carpet. Joonmyun watches Jongin out of the corner of his eyes as the younger watches him. Jongin flips through the channels until he finds some show Joonmyun has never heard of or seen before.

It's so sudden that Joonmyun doesn't have the time to stop the tears from dropping into his open book. He doesn't have time to think about what damage it might cause it or the consequences come Monday morning for ruining the book. "Is science really that bad?" Jongin chuckles from his side. He doesn't seem to understand that Joonmyun is pulling into himself again.

He closes his eyes but all he can see is his mom in the hospital or his dad in a casket. He sees the carnage caused by the accident and the blood that he knows will never wash out of his clothes. Joonmyun sees Wu Fan leaving him because he's gotten a job offer back in China. Though he knows he just wants to go back to Zitao. Joonmyun sees Jongin disappearing too.

"Hyung?" Jongin mutes the show he was enjoying and drops the remote to the side. "Hyung, what's wrong?" Joonmyun gets a little louder and it's beginning to worry the younger. He doesn't see the turmoil racking the elder and crippling him in ways Jongin will never understand.

He's so scared to open his eyes when he feels arms around him because what if Jongin is gone? What if Jongin never even existed in the first place and Joonmyun is left alone again? There are hands on his face and pushing the book from his hand. There's warmth fanning over his face.

"Joonie, you're scaring me." Jongin's thumbs try to rub at the tears but fail in the end as more spills over. The older tries to get purchase on the other's shirt and pull them together, but his fingers fail him miserably. He can't get ahold of Jongin's shirt and it terrifies him. It only furthers his racing thoughts the other isn't there anymore. Though the hands still on his face tell him otherwise.

"Please don't leave." Joonmyun whimpers and the hands pull him forward until he can smell Jongin. His cheek is warm where it's pushed against Jongin's chest and he just cries more. "I'm not going to." The older can hear Jongin swallow, "I'm not." He repeats.

Joonmyun opens his eyes a little, though they're burning now, and sees beautifully tanned skin and a slacked jaw. He sees Jongin's adam's apple bob when he speaks. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it's alright." And Joonmyun can't stop his chest from hurting when he feels the other's hand card into is hair.

"Are you gonna disappear?" He closes his eyes again and sighs because Jongin is warm. "No." Joonmyun is still crying but he feels warm. It's snowing outside and it's cold but he's finally warm. And he feels relief and something else he can't name flood into him. "Will you dance for me later?" He stupidly asks. But Jongin is beautiful when he dances and Joonmyun loves that the younger let's him watch.

"Of course. I only dance for you."