If I could just turn back time…

I’ll return to square one and start from nothing.

                17 years ago, me and my brother went to a mall nearby our house. It was an ordinary day. Nothing special. Well, it’s 6^th my birthday. We strolled happily; laughing and sharing some funny stories that happened weeks ago. I thought it was the best birthday ever, but it wasn’t. All of a sudden, the fire alarm rung. In a blink of an eye, the peaceful yet busy atmosphere transformed into a total chaos. Screams, sobs and other mind blasting sounds. Hyung  grabbed my arm as we hurried to the nearest fire exit. But it’s too late. Debris fell down from the ceiling as the structure started collapsing slowly. I tried to save him, but he asked me to save myself, so I did. Even if it’s hard, I left him there.

I’ll be brave and strong enough to protect myself.

                I ran away from the area. The smoke started to block my breathing but I still managed to go further. I was half way there. I can hear the fire truck outside the establishment, I can see a small passage of light, hoping that there’s a way out. But all that’s halting me is the smoke. I can no longer take it so I felt my head became a little lighter. Little by little, I loosed my consciousness. I felt a pair of arms s around my waist. “Young man! Wake up!” he said. I opened my eyes and realized that he’s a fireman. We passed me a wet piece of cloth and asked me to cover my nose. He’s a hero after all. He saved me. He did.

I’ll sacrifice myself and let him run away.

                As we get closer to the nearest exit, the place started to became hotter. Hell. The man started coughing heavily. He gave me his helmet. “Wear this.” Quite shocked but I still followed his orders. Burning fragments dropping from time to time intensified my fear. “Sir” I said. He hummed in reply. “Aren’t you s-scared about your j-job?”

“My family needs me. My wife and my son back in China. I need to live for them. I have to live for them”

His answers left me in marvel. Before I could reply, a piece of burning wood hit his back, causing me to fell on the ground. He remained lying as he screamed in pain. I wanted to help him, so I moved closer. “Go! Save yourself!” he shouted. No, he can’t die. Yes, I need to live. Torn between the two, I bit my lips and sobbed. “I said…l-leave!!” in that note, I did my best to escape from that nightmare.

I’ll be more sensitive & mature.

                As soon as I left the place, the nurses and the medics started to take over me. First aids and other medications were instructed for them to apply. I felt guilty. It felt like I killed two persons at the same time. Yes, I did. The fireman and my brother. The blame is on me, because I’m weak. Too damn weak. I hugged the helmet as the reality hit me. The pain was unbearable. A picture fell of the helmet as I turned it around. I picked it up and looked at it closely. A family picture. Maybe or most probably, it was his family. I flipped the paper and saw a note on it. It was written in Chinese so I wasn’t able to understand a single thing. I kept picture and carried everything that happened until the present time.

I’ll learn how stop my feelings.

                As years passed by, I promised myself to look and help his family in return of his kindness. I was in high school at that time when I started asking my friend’s father to look for his family in China. I thought it was possible because he works in the same country. But it wasn’t. It was my first day in 3^rd year when this man named Wu Yifan sat beside me in our Chemistry class. It was quite awkward. He’s an exchange student from China. He’s tall, smart and….. yeah, handsome. So damn fine. Yes, he was.

I’ll tell you everything.

                                “Hi! I’m Chanyeol. You’re?” I asked. He shyly smiled and replied. “Yifan.” He smiled at me! Oh good god. He’s perfect. But he’s too innocent, I think. Quite mysterious but I can feel that he’s just scared to mingle since he’s from a different country.  Weeks passed and we became friends. Spending weekends together, studying together and other stuffs. Until one night he held my hand and rested his head on my shoulder.

“Yeol.”

“Yes?”

“Can you promise me something?”

“What is it all about, Yifan?”

“Can you promise me that nothing will change after hearing the next words that I’m about to say?”

“I can’t promise but what are those?”

“I… I love you, Park Chanyeol.”

“I love you too.”

I’ll confessed earlier.

                Our relationship lasted for a 3 years. I thought those were the best years of my life. But it wasn’t. We planned too much about our future, ignoring the present and past. But I never stopped looking for the fireman’s wife and son. I copied the characters that were written on the picture and wrote it on a paper. “Yifan, what does this mean?” I asked curiously.

“It means ‘I’ll miss you, dad ‘ “ He said.

  One day, we talked about his family. “My dad died a couple of years ago.” He muttered. 

“He’s a fireman and the reports said that he saved a little boy inside a burning mall.”

Yes, that man is Yifan’s father. I felt guilty knowing that I was the cause of everything. I remained silent. “I hate him. That kid, that man, that creature. My father died because of him. My mother suffered from depression and my life became miserable. I hate him.”

I was the reason behind his sorrows. My existence made him taste the bitter side of life. I regret it. Deeply.

I shouldn’t lied.

                My conscience can’t take it anymore. So I planned to leave our house. I lived a life filled with secrets and I’m too tired of it. I left a letter on the night stand and gathered all my remaining courage to walk away. I’m sorry Yifan I have to do this. I confessed everything. About the accident, his father and other details. I placed his father’s helmet beside the folded paper. It was the hardest part of it.

I’ll make you mine again.

But everytime that I’m trying to move on, he’s there. Memories, memories, memories.  I haven’t heard too much about him after I left. Someone said that he went back to China and entered the army. Well if that will make him happy, I’ll support him.

I lived alone. Working and living for no one except for myself. It was hard, but living with regrets is a lot harder. Now, it’s too late. I never wanted to cover up for my last issues. I never imagined living a life filled with lies and dishonesties. So I accepted the fact that he’ll hate me. That’s life. After all, you still have to live it up.

As a man who’s currently struggling from leukaemia, I think it’s about time to let the world understand the true meaning of courage. It’s being able to carry on and be brave. The importance of being strong and stable. You need to be prepared for everything.

This is going to be my last note. I think it’s about time for me to rest. Close my eyes and never wake up again.

Wu Yifan, if you could read this, please do keep in mind that you’ll always stay in my heart.  

Goodbye.