(689 BC)

My life before my “memory” was fairly normal. Or so I thought. It was around 670 BC, I guess. I was born into a middle-class family during winter, a possible reason why I grew up cold, merciless, and unforgiving.  The world was new to me, every happening a “first-time” experience. I took details of things; I gave my attention to the world around me, trying to remember everything. I’ve always thought to myself, you only live once, so appreciate life.

I consider that particular lifetime as my first life because; it was what I remembered to be the first. Of course it was possible for me to have existed before that particular lifetime but, I had no more idea. I must’ve existed in other places but nothing comes into my memory, except for the odd sense of familiarity with some things. Also, that lifetime had left a mark on my soul, triggering something to make me remember things.  Things that would remind me of all my shame and regrets that time, including a particular thought. It was a painful memory. Probably the most painful of them all.

It would painful for me to tell you that story. It made me wish to have died with a severe sickness or something when I was young.

When I came to understand my situation, I changed my ways. Being an “exception” was both a gift and a curse.

I was the firstborn of a certain family who lived in a city called, Haneul. It was a big city, with huge walls and a very, very huge castle. When I was 10, as I remembered, a war happened. Taking lives of thousands of soldiers and civilians. My family barely survived the chaos. We fled outside the city walls, hiding under caves, until 5 years had passed, the emperor died in the war, and our city was no more. I remember my father crying over the emperor’s death. I cried with him, not knowing why.

We moved on with our lives. We came to the next city, the one which devoured ours, and settled down. The people were welcoming, despite the fact that my family came from the remains of a stupid war.  I later discovered that our former emperor had stolen some treasures from the current city I lived in, which resulted in bloodshed and lives wasted.

My older brother became a soldier, fighting for the new emperor, of course. I’ve always looked up to him. Wanting to be a good soldier like he was. So, when I turned 19, I signed myself up for training. It was hard but to prove myself, I endured.

We were led to believe that we, as soldiers and citizens at the same time, owed our lives to the emperor. It was a favor for us, as what the commander would say, so in return, I had to fight and kill the people who wanted to harm him, and maybe even sacrifice my life for his safety.

I didn’t question any of that. Not even when I’m alone. Never had I been better-suited for a soldier’s life, than I was then. I followed the rules. Obeyed all the orders despite the absurdity of some. I fought with the emperor inside my mind, his well-being was my motivation.

I belonged to my older brother’s troop. We sailed seas, and conquered cities. I was a rookie but I was bloodthirsty. The screams of agony in my ears had always thrilled me into plunging my sword into flesh. I had no idea how many people I had killed. Wars were no match to the freshness of my thirst. The adrenaline pumping inside my veins was enough to make me indestructible. I dodged every blow sent my way with amazing agility.

Our troop was undefeated.

There were 500 men under my brother’s command, all of them were, strong, unbreakable, and heartless bastards. Including me.  My brother was respected, and everyone looked up to him.

It was one summer morning, when an order came for us. We were called to raid a small city down south. Blood rushed into my veins as I sat in anticipation, thinking of ways on how to make my sword more useful. I thought about maybe slitting a throat slowly, or maybe chopping a feet first before setting someone on fire. It was sadistic but that was me. I didn’t have a heart. Or maybe I did but it wasn’t beating.

I was a puppet soldier, moving at the words of my king. “The more painful death, the better.” I remembered the emperor’s words during my first mission. Since then, I lost sleep thinking of ways and techniques to kill someone more painfully.

We set out to the said city and camped outside its walls. The city reeked poverty. It’s walls were half torn and there wasn’t any guard on the watch tower. For the first time in my life, I questioned my orders. Turning to my brother, I asked, “Why does the emperor want to bring this one down?”

Probably surprised at my sudden asking, my brother stared at me for the longest time, “I don’t know.” He shrugged and shifted his gaze to the fire in front of him.


The night was moonless. Stars looked down at me and I had a very weird feeling of pity for the city we’re about to conquer. I tried to close my eyes and relax for a bit before the siege but, it was impossible. Seeing the city almost in ruins, it seemed to me that there was no use for violence to conquer this one. I cringed at my sudden emotions. What was happening to me?

Nudging my shoulders, my brother motioned me to get up. I looked around and saw the other men already in their positions, torches in hand, so I grabbed my sword. The night was dark and cold, and all I wanted was for it to be over so I could go home and sleep and stop thinking about the pathetic situation of that place.

“Sungjae, your troop will raid the back part. Jongin, you do the front. I will take the sides. Be careful.” Patting my back, my older brother called out shushed commands.

I was with 20 men. With silent steps, we entered the village. It was quiet, save for some lanterns glowing inside the houses. I saw fire consume the far end of the wall and realized Sungjae had already started doing his job. Screams started to reach my ears so I signaled my sub-unit to get to work.

I placed my hand in my sword, getting ready for a fight. In a matter of minutes, numbers of houses were ablaze. The muffled screaming inside the huts, made my blood rush, making me forget my earlier emotions.   

Pulling a torch from one of my troop members, I came behind a small hut with a roof made of hay. I smiled, that was too easy, I thought to myself as I set the poor shack on fire. It consumed the hut just like how the waves consume the shores, wild and harsh. My eyes glowed, the wind blew the smoke and the gardens around me were on fire. I heard a baby’s cry from inside. I ignored the churning building inside my stomach.

The burning house created a face, the windows were the eyes and the door was the mouth. All the blood in my face seemed to drain when suddenly; the mouth opened and out came a boy, well he wasn’t really a boy, he was a man. He was about my age, wearing a thin shirt and pants, torn on the knee part.

Standing there, dumbfounded, torch in my hand, already put off, the boy caught my eyes, and he must’ve realized what I just did because he turned to me with a strange expression written on his beautiful face. The baby was crying from behind him. Our gazes locked for the longest time, his eyes were beautiful and big, reflecting the orange flames around us.

Frantically, I searched for ways on how to help him. I wanted to pull him out of the place, panic gnawing at my brains, completely forgetting which side I belong. The sight was definitely horrible, his eyes were blank. There was a baby dying inside, it could be his son, or his brother, sister, I don’t care.

Run!

I wanted to scream at him. But I was rooted in my place, only able to say silent words.

Go get the baby, your family, I will help you.

My brain was in chaos. I was helping an enemy, but I don’t really care anymore. I just wanted to save the boy, I don’t care if I’d betray my king and die for it.

“Hey! Run for your life now!” I shouted at him.

The boy’s face turned blank as he looked around him, there was not a single home left, and gardens were still on fire, there was surrender in the way he looked, his tears glinting against the hot flames. Then, with one last glance at me, he turned and went back inside the house. It crumbled in front me, the flames still devouring it.

“I’m sorry.” I sobbed and slumped on the damp soil beneath me.

The smell of burnt wood and flesh lingered as we marched back to our camp. I can still see those eyes piercing through me. I had never forgotten that smell.

The morning came, and I was completely insensible as we sailed back to our kingdom. My older brother went to me and patted my back.

“Jongin. It was the wrong city.” There was surrender in his voice and I felt the world crash beneath me as I hurled out everything I ate onto the sea.


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(2012, Seoul South Korea)

“Luhan, come on, why are you such a ?!”

Luhan ignored Lay, continuing his work on his laptop, legs crossed under him.  “I can’t go out tonight, Lay. I have a paper way past its due. And I need to clean up this dump.” He explained, not lifting his gaze from the laptop, and motions to the mess on the floor with his chin.

“But it’s you future you checking, what’s 20000 won for that?” Lay pouted again, slumping onto Luhan’s bed. “Besides, you can’t clean up without me, because that’ll make me feel like I’m such a bad friend. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are waiting downstairs.”

Luhan was busy with his term paper and Lay was asking him to visit a fortune-teller because he wanted to know his future with Baekhyun. Luhan wanted to laugh at the absurdity of Lay’s request but being a good friend that he is, he stopped himself. “And you want me to pay for something I don’t want to do, too?”

“Think of it as a celebration, Lu.”

“Why should I celebrate? This term paper could make or break my potentially beautiful future, Lay. If I don’t get this to Mr. Jongdae’s desk by the afternoon, then I’m screwed.”

But Luhan was no match to the other boy’s persistence because the moment he turned to Lay, the younger was already placing his shoes on his feet and pulled him out of the room. “Okay, I’ll pay for you then.”

Lay’s grip on his hand was tight and he was shoved into the elevator. “Don’t worry. Jongdae loves you.”

He glared at Lay, it was true, Mr. Jongdae had this favoritism thingy going on with Luhan, and it made him cringe. Like really, how could that teacher show him affection in front of the class? It was scary.

“Oh, shut up, you unicorn!” he said, crossing his arms on his chest, leaning on the elevator walls. “Whose car?”

“Yours.”

“I didn’t bring my keys.” Luhan said, finally having a reason to bail out.

But his victory was short-lived because Lay dangled his car keys in front of his face, smiling like a creep.

“Ugh. I hate you Zhang Yixing.”

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The drive was peaceful, save for some make-out sessions courtesy of Lay and Baek on the backseat, and also Kyungsoo’s weird taste in music. “Where are we going, again?” He peered at the rearview mirror, feeling like a taxi driver, touring stupid people around Seoul.

“Baozi’s fortune cafe, Hongdae.” Lay answered, catching his gaze on the mirror, before turning away to kiss Baek again.

Groaning, Luhan stepped on the accelerator and suddenly hit break. The abrupt stop almost sent Baekhyun and Lay out through the windshield.

“Yah!” Baekhyun and Lay shouted in unison, while Kyungsoo sat on his seat, protected by the seatbelt. 

“I don’t want to see that Baozi again.” Luhan complained.

“Shut up, Luhan. I’m not getting any of your stuff today.” Lay sounded annoyed.

Knowing there’s nothing that could stop an angry and irritated unicorn, Luhan sighed and continued driving.

They stopped beside a Volkswagen van with floral design, just like the ones the hippies use during their movement. A sign on its side reads Baozi’s fortune café. The sight of the van made Luhan want to run for his life. He swore he will never forgive himself for doing this. Some of his classmates might see them walking inside the van and they would think Luhan is a poor, pathetic, and hopeless creation.

They went out of the car and Lay was called inside first. Luhan volunteered to be the last; secretly hoping that he’d find a reason not to go through with that stupid crap. He knew that the fortune-teller would just tell him stuff like, “You are a nurturer. Books are your friends. You have a beautiful future based on your hand lines.” Shaking his head, Luhan’s eyes roamed around the van as he sat on the old sofa. So, this van served as Baozi’s home too, Luhan muses.

The place was definitely normal; a flat screened television hung on the wall, a small kitchen oh his right and some magazines resting on the table. It was a little bit cramped but it was really neat and clean.

Luhan fell asleep on the sofa waiting for his turn. After quite a while, Lay nudged him and pulled him up, shoving him into Baozi’s room.

Luhan’s grogginess was out of his head the moment he entered the room, feeling all the hairs on his nape stand at the sight that greeted him. It was like a horror house, Voodoo dolls hand from the ceiling of the car and skulls were arranged on top of cabinet. Turning his gaze to the fortune-teller, Luhan held his breath, thinking he might see a man with no head.

“Come here.” A small guy, probably the same age as Luhan, turned and faced him.

Luhan snorted because the man’s cheeks were chubby and it was funny how he looked like a Chinese bun between the oceans of horror stuff around him.

“I’m ready for you. Give me your hands.” Baozi said, holding out his hands to Luhan.

Luhan sat on the metal folding chair in front of him and awkwardly gave his hands to the Chinese bun.  Their gazes locked and he was surprised by the intensity of Baozi’s grip on his hand. Scrunching his eyebrows, Luhan waited for Baozi to speak up.

A good actor, I guess. Luhan told himself, as Baozi started to rock back and forth with eyes closed, his eyelids slightly fluttering.

“You’re running.”

“I think.” Luhan answered smugly, not wanting to participate, and not really understanding.

“There are police sirens in the background.” Baozi said, still not opening his eyes.

Luhan’s left eyebrow shot up. What is this Baozi talking about?

“He saved you.”

There was a long silence between them; Luhan couldn’t fathom the meaning behind the words.

“He had been looking for you for a long time. He was waiting for you.” the words were barely audible, but they were enough to make Luhan’s heart beat faster than usual, a scene from the past began to play inside his head.

What is this? He wanted to pull his hands away but Baozi’s grip was tighter than before, and Luhan was now scared. For real.

“He needed you to listen but you didn’t. Why?” Baozi eyelids flipped open and his gaze pierced through Luhan’s soul.

“I don’t understand what you are trying to tell me.” Luhan leaned back on his chair, pulling his hands away from Baozi’s hold.

“That party. The dance or something. I know you were scared but still you should’ve listened.”

Not believing the words he’s hearing, Luhan face was contorted. He never told anyone what happened that night. Not even Lay. “Listen to what?”

He sat there, holding Baozi’s gaze. 

“He kissed you, hoping you’d remember. I think you did recall some of it but you ignored what you saw. You should’ve listened to him. He loved you.”

Luhan felt dizzy. The world was running in circles and how in the world did this Baozi knew? It was a well-kept secret for him. “Who is he?” He asked, testing the psychic, because psychics never named names.

There was a long silence. Baozi held Luhan’s gaze.

“Jongin. Kim Jongin.”

The screech of the chair was too loud for Luhan as he got up abruptly, yanking his arms away from the grip.

“You said you’d remember him. You promised to try. But look at you, turning back on your own words and your promises.”

Luhan felt tears build up on his eyes and he tried to blink them away. Four years ago, he kept that encounter inside a trunk and promised never to open it again. How the hell this Baozi did know?

“You were his Xiao Lu and you promised to remember.”

“What am I supposed to remember?” Luhan asked, his chest heaving up and down.

“Him. When you took him under your care during that war, you promised him. He didn’t want to leave you that day, but you told him to just rest because you’d remember him when he comes back. He told you who he was. He doesn’t forget, but you do.”

“I do not understand a thing you’re saying.”

“You should find him.” Baozi’s voice was determined.

“No. I don’t know him.”

“Stop trying to fool yourself, Luhan.”

“I talked to him once, and that was it. I don’t know where he is, or whatever he is.” Luhan his heels and began to march towards the door. His defenses completely broken down by this Baozi.

“You know him. Stop lying, Luhan!” Baozi raised his voice, running towards Luhan and grabbing his wrists.

Luhan hauled his hands away, “Can you stop this?! This is so stupid!”

“He loves you, Luhan.” It was so weird that Baozi was almost begging him.

Luhan walked out of the room, tears streaming down his face. Nothing made sense anymore. He ran to his car and turned the ignition. Lay and the gang got inside after him, not questioning why Luhan was crying.

Lay patted him in the back. Luhan leaned on the steering wheel and cried, sobbing his heart out.
 

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The next morning, Luhan went to school, eyes puffy and bloodshot.

He was greeted by a smiling Lay, the moment he entered the classroom. “Hey, was it that bad?”

No. It was worse. He wanted to say, but he decided not to say anything about it. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun came in and sat beside each of them, giving Luhan a worried glance. “Hi, Lu.” Baekhyun murmured as he rested his chin on Lay’s shoulder.

Luhan smiled at him sadly and turned to the book in front of him. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone.

“So, it turns out that I like books. Books are my friends, the Baozi told me.” Kyungsoo said to Baekhyun. “It was weird because I haven’t touched a book in years.”

“Oh. He told me, I’m a nurturer. And that I’ve got a wonderful future.” Baekhyun chuckled in response. 

“Well, I am my own best guide,” Lay said to his boyfriend, entering the conversation, “no wonder I guide myself through your body, easily. He said I’m getting married soon.”

Luhan rested his head on the table, ignoring his friends’ laughter, Baozi’s words swimming inside his head.  He loves you, Luhan. You should’ve listened to him.

Frustration was gnawing up at Luhan’s insides. He seriously had no idea what to do. A part of him wanted to just end everything and walk out of there, forgetting Jongin, but a part of him also screamed, find him. Luhan knew the chances are very minimal and he didn’t understand why he was even considering that option.

Luhan was pulled out of his reverie when Mr. Jongdae entered the class. Everyone straightened on their seats, including Luhan. It wasn’t much of a surprise when Mr. Jongdae smiled brightly at him and uttered a bright, “Good morning, Luhan.” Everyone turned their heads at him, half of them glaring, and the other half, smirking, including Lay.

Luhan rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh. Could this day get any better?

At the end of the class, Luhan was still very much bothered by what Baozi told him the night before so he pulled Lay to a corner. Lay was his best friend and he trusted Lay so much. So, if there was something bothering Luhan, Lay would be the first to know.

“Okay. So Uhm…” Luhan started.

Lay looked at him with the usual I’m-so-dumb-but-I-don’t-realize-it-coz-everyone-thinks-its-cute expression.

“Baozi did tell me something last night.”

“Spill.” Lay answered. “And hurry because Baekhyun is waiting.”

“Shut up. You only think of Baekhyun.” Luhan hissed, glaring at his best friend wildly.

“Now, now. Don’t be jealous. Just spit it out already.”

“I don’t know.  If. I. Should.” Luhan stated in staccato. “But, do you remember Kim Jongin?”

Lay’s right eyebrow rose. “Kim Jongin? Like, Kim Jongin your old fling?”

“He’s not a fling… But yes, him.”

“Oh yeah. He’s not your fling because he didn’t even talk to you. Oh right! He was gone so abruptly that even the principal didn’t know where he went right?”

“Yeah. Well, I talked to him that night, Lay. The senior’s dance. But it was only for a couple of minutes. He told me things. Things I didn’t understand. Things I know nothing about. It was scary so I ran away. After that night, I decided to keep everything in the past. I completely forgot about it. But then, Baozi told me everything again last night. It was so eerie. It bothers me a lot.” Luhan’s voice was filled with the irritation of not knowing what to do.

“Wow. Really. I didn’t know anything about that.” Lay blinked, trying to process the sudden outburst of revelations.

“I’m sorry, I kept it from you. I just don’t know what to do now, Lay.” The older male leaned against the walls.

“So, what did Baozi say you should do? I mean, he might know the answers to your questions.”

“He said to find Kim Jongin.”

The younger guy’s eyes grew wide in shock and utter disbelief. “Seriously.”

Biting his lips, Luhan nodded slowly. “I don’t even know where he is. It was one night. And then, he’s gone.”

Sighing heavily, Lay patted Luhan’s shoulders, locking their gazes together. “Okay, Luhan. You’ve got two choices. One, you may go look for Kim Jongin. Search all corners of the world. I will support you if that’s what you want. I’ll help you. Or, you have number two. Go home, take a bath, freshen up, relax yourself, and forget any of this happened. I will never mention any of this from now on if that’s what you want.” Lay turned and jogged towards Baekhyun. “Call me, okay?!” he called out to Luhan before disappearing with his boyfriend.

The second choice sounded so inviting. Maybe, Luhan could do just that. He’s good at forgetting. He could just turn away from all of these crazy circumstances.

And yes. That’s what he’ll do.

He walked away. Ready to forget Jongin… Again.




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a/n:
OKAY, FIRST THINGS FIRST, I AM GOING TO LET JONGIN TELL YOU THE STORIES FROM HIS PAST LIVES OKAY? (SINCE HE'S THE ONE WHO REMEMBERS THEM. HAHAHA.) AND I'M GONNA BE TELLING LUHAN'S STORY FROM THE PRESENT TIMES. JUST ASK ME IF SOMETHING'S CONFUSING~ <3

Oh yes! An update! I'm sorry it took long for me to update this. My brains kind of messy right now, what with all my exams on friday and quizzes. T___T My sad life. Don't worry babies! I will try to update during the holiday break. :) I hope you like this update and sorry if it has some mistakes. I beta my own work. awww. 

Also, shout out to my pretty subbies, and commenters:

P.S this is loooong, loooooooong because i wont be able to update until i finish my exams. so wait for me babies. :) 

P.P.S if ever you feel the need to talk to me, @kyungsooOnly, i'm only 1 mention away. :) saranghaeyoooooong~

Photo credit: fanytastic-exotic.tumblr.com

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GIRLIE