**Kim Taeyeon in Ceci Magazine January 2014. Yeppuda! >< Credit to the owner of the pic**

Love is my pain

Kim Taeyeon’s POV

My name is Kim Taeyeon. I’m a 25 years old girl who was born in Jeonju, in Jeolla district which located 195 kilometres from Seoul city. It’s quite far, isn’t it? But, it didn't dampen my spirit to achieve my dream, to become a successful singer as what I had achieved right now. Just mentioned my name, the whole Korea knows me, as well as other Asian countries too. I have two siblings, an elder brother, Kim Jiwoong, and he’s two years older than me. He graduated from college, and currently worked with my father who have an eyeglass shop in Jeonju. My younger sister, Kim Hayeon, 16 years old, and she’s still schooling.

Becoming a singer is my dream since I was a little. I was graduated from Jeonju Art High School, and was awarded the school’s Lifetime Achievement Award as for the recognization of my talent in singing. While I was still in school, SM Entertainment has discovered my talent through the singing competition, SM Entertainment's 8th Annual Best Contest, and I won the Best Singer on the 1st Place and Grand Award. Starting from that moment, I was chosen to become a trainee in SME until I was debuted as a singer in 2008. Right now, it has been six years since I have become a professional singer, and through my experience, SME offered me to become their vocal trainer, to train new singers, who has a dream just like mine.

My love life? Well, I do have someone special in my heart, and I met her during my trainee time, and she’s a singer too. We've been friends for almost ten years. Her name is Tiffany Hwang Miyoung. She’s from LA, but she dared herself to come alone to Korea to pursue her dream to become a singer, just like me. We were best friends during our trainee time, but we eventually falling in love with each other, and I dared myself to confess to her on the first year of our debut as singers. I was so lucky that both of us have mutual feelings in love, and up until now, my love for her as strong as like the first time that we’re falling in love into each other.

During our time when we’re still trainees, we used to live in dorm provided by the company, but, after several years of becoming a professional singer, I managed to buy an apartment with my own money, and I asked her to move in with me. Well, it was our dream to live together, so, without hesitation, she agreed to move in into my apartment. Our world is our home, and it’s like a heaven for both of us.

Being together for six years was not easy. There were always ups and downs in our relationship. But, we managed to overcome any problems and obstacles in our relationship. For the past six years, the feeling of love and having each other has turned into possessive. All this started since I was offered to be a vocal trainer, whilst she was busy with her own schedule as a model, a theatre actress, and recording her new album. I admit, I was so jealous whenever she has a kissing scene with her co-actor, or having a skinship during photoshoot with other models, but I didn’t really show my jealousy towards her. I just rather to keep it myself by having less conversation with her.

Whilst she having the same problem as mine. She once told me when we once argued about not being so intimate towards each other lately because of her irrelevant jealousy. She said I was too focus with my work, and put my trainees and fans more than her, neglecting her. I admit, although I did those things that she mentioned, but it doesn't mean that I didn't love her anymore. What I can say is that, we both lack of trust in each other. We love each other, but we don’t trust each other. I learned from Sarah Dessen's quote about love, that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed. I know, there's no guarantee that our love could be last forever, and eventually, this love, makes me felt that like I’m willing to hurt myself, holding a pain in my heart. Will this relationship that we have now lead to another heartache? Only God knows.

So, here I am, still at the training centre office in SME building, checking on my training schedule for tomorrow while waiting for Tiffany to come. It’s already 8:00 p.m., but there’s no sign that she will come here. We supposed to have a meeting with our single producer to discuss about our collaboration project, to have a duet song together. This project was actually being proposed by Tiffany long time ago, but, since both of us were so busy with our own schedules, today is the day where both of us free from any schedules.

“Taeng ah, have you tried to call Fany again?”, Mr. Lee, the producer asked soon after he entered the office. He went to the studio earlier to take his belongings there. He scheduled us to have a meeting on 7:00 p.m., but it's already past one hour, and Tiffany still didn’t show up.

“Yes, Lee ssi. I’ve tried to call her many times, but she didn’t pick it up. I don’t know why”, I replied while still looking at my phone screen, hoping that the latter would at least send a text message to me. But, sadly there’s none. I started to feel worried. What if something bad happened to her? I tried to dial her number again. After five ringings, finally she answered. I immediately went out of the office.

“Yoboseyo?”, she said.

“Where are you?”, I asked with a stern voice. I heard her hissed over the line.

“I was working, what else?”, she replied nonchalant as she sounded pissed with my question just now.

“Fany ah, you still not finish your dinner!”, I heard a man’s voice over the line. My heart started to boil with anger as I was so familiar with the voice. If I’m not wrong, the man is Nichkhun. He’s a singer too, but from another agency. He was Tiffany ex-boyfriend. They were couple not too long, about seven months before we’re together. They met again through one of the Ceci photoshoot projects which they have been paired together recently.

“Don’t tell me that you forget! You have a discussion with me and Mr. Lee for our duet single project this evening, don’t you remember?”, I started to raise my voice.

“I know. I just finished having dinner. The Ceci photoshoot crew invited me to have a dinner with them. I used to work with them, and I can’t refuse their offer just like that!”, she began to raise her voice too.

“You told me last night that you’re free today. But how come suddenly you have a dinner with them this evening, huh?”, I asked her, still with my stern voice.

“Taetae, I would appreciate if you’re not asking me too much right now. I’m on my way to SME, and I’m sorry to tell you that I have to ask Nichkhun to send me there since I didn’t bring my car. Tell Lee ssi that I’m sorry, and I will be there soon”, she replied with her calm voice.

“What am I? Your PA?”, I yelled at her. Suddenly she ended the call. I know, she did it purposely as she didn’t want us to argue again. I hissed in anger and frustration. Anger because she was with her ex-boyfriend, having dinner together, and frustrated because of her nonchalant attitude. I took a deep breath, tried to calm myself as I didn’t want Mr. Lee to notice on my mood poisoning later. I slowly walking back to the office, and entered inside.

“Taeng ah, did you manage to get her?”, Mr. Lee asked soon after he saw me.

“Dae, Lee ssi. She say sorry because she has an important work to do just now, and she’s on her way here”, I said as I let out a small smile, and sat on the couch.

“Oh, jinja? Gwenchana. We can start it first while waiting for her to come”, Mr. Lee said as he walked towards the couch, and sat across from me. We started to discuss about the song that me and Tiffany were going to sing. Mr. Lee planned to start the recording soonest possible. While we’re in the middle of discussion for about 30 minutes, finally she arrived.

“I’m sorry for being late, Lee ssi”, Tiffany said soon after she entered the office. She then bowed to him, and smiled apologetically.

“Gwenchana, Fany ah. Please have a sit first”, Mr. Lee said. Tiffany quickly sat next to me without even looking at me, like I’m not exist in this office. I just treat her the same as she was invisible.

“Alright, Fany. As I’ve discussed with Taeng earlier, these are the parts that Taeng is going to sing, and your part has been marked with the red mark here”, Mr. Lee said while pointing the paper that content the song lyrics. He shoved it to Tiffany to take a look on it. She then nodded her head while reading the lyrics.

“You guys have already listened to the melody that I’ve sent to you earlier, right? So, tonight, if you have a time, try to suit the lyrics with the melody first. And, tomorrow morning we will start our recording, probably by 10:00”, he said as he glanced at his wristwatch.

“Dae!”, we replied in unison.

“Alright, is there any question that you guys would like to ask?”, Mr. Lee asked while looking at both of us. We just shook our heads, indicating that we fully understood of our work.

“Good, so, I’ll see you guys on tomorrow morning, okay?”, he said as he got up from the couch, and took his belongings as he was ready to leave.

“Sure, Lee ssi”, I replied as I got up from the couch, followed by Tiffany. We both bowed to Mr. Lee, and he waved his at us before he left the office.

After Mr. Lee left, I immediately gathered my belongings, and was about to walk to the door before I felt a grip on my wrist.

“Taetae!”, Tiffany called me. I stopped, and just stood still without looking at her. She then slowly walked closer, and back hugging me.

“...”

“I’m sorry!”, she said. My heart sank as I couldn’t hold my anger towards her longer. That’s my weakness. I sighed, and turned around to face her.

“I’m sorry for not telling you on my whereabouts earlier. It’s just out of sudden. Nichkhun appeared in front of our apartment’s door, and told me that Ceci photoshoot crew invited us to have a dinner with their CEO”, she explained to me with her sad face. “I really didn’t get a chance to tell…”, she suddenly gasped when I silence her with a kiss. I wrapped my arms around her waist, and she automatically wrapped her arms around my neck, and returned the kiss.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you just now”, I said after we broke the kiss. She then pouted.

“If I don’t think you as my girlfriend, I would not forgive for what you have done, Taetae”, she said, sulking. I just let out a soft laugh, and kissed her pouted lips.

“Let’s not fight anymore, okay? I’m tired with all these kinds of fights”, I replied. She then tighten the hug, and snuggled against me. I caressed her back, and kissed on her forehead. We just stay like that for a few minutes.

“Let’s go home now. We still need to practice this song”, she said after we released the hug.

“Yeah, let’s go”, I said while waiting for her to take her handbag from the couch. She then grabbed my hand, and entwined our hands together before we left the office.

Later on that night

“Taetae, how do I need to sing this part?”, she asked me while looking at the song lyrics. We were sitting at the couch in the living room of our apartment. We straightly went for practicing after both of us took shower and changed our clothes.

“You need to sing this part in high notes. Try it first. If you can’t reach that notes, then we can ask Lee ssi to change the tempo”, I replied while looking at her.

“Arasso”, she said as she started to sing her part. She failed to reach her high notes at first attempt, but after I encouraged her to practice more, she finally managed to sing it well.

“Good job, Fany ah!”, I said proudly as I patted her shoulder. She then pouted her lips.

“I want a kiss as a reward for my hard work”, she cheekily said, still pouting her lips. I chuckled on her cute act.

“Aigoo.. my baby shoo cuteee!”, I replies as I kissed on her pouting lips. She then grinned, giving me her famous Totoro smile. I couldn’t help but to pinch her cheek on her cuteness.

“Aww.. it hurts!”, she whined. I laughed, and quickly pecked on her cheek.

“There. Kaja! Let’s continue our practice. I will give you more rewards after this if you did your singing parts well”, I said as I smiled mischievously.

“Yah, byuntae!”, she cried as she slapped my arm. I chuckled while looking at her flushed face. We then continued our practice until we satisfied and confident enough that we could sing it well on tomorrow’s recording. After we had done with our practice, I went to the kitchen to make us warm milk, the usual thing that we did before we went to bed every night.

“Taetae ah”, Tiffany said soon after she laid herself next to me on the bed. She snuggled against me, and I wrapped my arms around her body, comforted her in my embrace.

“Hmm?”, I hummed while showers her with feather light kisses all over her face.

“Why we need to record this sad song?”, she asked. I stopped, and smiled. I kissed her forehead before I replied.

“It’s part of our job, Fany ah. It’s just a song, nothing much”, I said as I assured her. She then let out a soft sigh, as she was thinking of something deep.

“But, we need to put our feelings hundred percent into this song as we’re really having heartbreak. I’m afraid I couldn’t make it”, she replied. I wanted to laugh on her childish words, but I just hold it as I didn’t want her to get mad at me. I cupped her face with my hand, and staring into her eyes lovingly.

“Fany ah, we are a professional singer. It’s our job to make sure that we put hundred percent of our effort into our job, to give the best result. Okay, I tell you what. If you couldn’t feel it, why don’t you just imagine the time when you broke up with Nichkhun? Think about the time when your heart was broken, when it hurt the most, then you can pour that emotion into the song lyrics. I’m sure you can do it”, I said as to give her some encouragement.

“Ermm.. Taetae.. about Nichkhun, I’m sorry that I didn’t..”, she was about to continue her words when suddenly I cut her off.

“It’s okay. I understand. Both of you used to work together, right?”, I said as I smiled. Yeah, my mouth said that, but my heart disagree as I could feel that Nichkhun still have a feeling on her. To tell the truth, it’s Tiffany who asked broke up with him first. And, I’m sure as an ex, he might still have a feeling towards her. Why am I saying this? Because, Nichkhun just could call her through phone first, or texted her to inform about the location of their dinner place, instead of coming straightly to our apartment just to fetch my girlfriend. Yeah, call me a freak, but, I still felt insecurity about their past relationship.

“Gomawo, Taetae. That’s why I fell in love with you. You’re always considerate to me. I love you!”, she said before she leaned her face closer, and kissed my lips.

“You’re welcome. I love you too!”, I replied after we broke the kiss. “Alright, let’s sleep now. We need to wake up early on tomorrow”, I said as I patted her back gently, comforted her to sleep.

“Okay. Good night, Taetae!”, she replied as she slowly closed her eyes.

“Good night!”, I said, and I closed my eyes too, tried to force myself to sleep.

I smiled, I said those lovely words, but why I still felt a pain inside my heart? I sighed mentally.

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