Hellooo my lovely subbies! Sincere apologies for the long wait! 

Side note: Most of this story was written/planned during the good ol Exo Showtime days so some of the hair colours and inside jokes correspond with that time period. 

Update May 2014: I started this story long before the news about Kris came out. No matter how this mess is resolved, I forever believe in Ot12. Therefore I have no intention of editing this story according to this news, nor will I edit my future stories to suit this. EXOT12 fighting!~

Sorry one last thing! These ~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~ signs indicate a break or interval in the story, usually a separator between present and past. Once you start reading it’s actually pretty clear in the story, but just in case some of you get lost ^^.

 

Without further ado, here’s the story! Enjoy~

 

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

“So Plan J obviously didn’t work very well,” Baekhyun sighed, twirling his pencil absentmindedly. “Time to move onto plan M.”

“K.”

“Whatever.”

There were a lot of ways Kpop idols could spend a free Friday afternoon. Most idols hung out with their fellow group members, contacted family and friends, did some shopping, practised new choreography or battled it out on video games.

But for a certain group called Exo, they decided to have a different type of fun. This particular fun involved scheming against their best friends.

Well, ‘scheming against’ wasn’t exactly the right expression. It was more like helping them out from the kindness in their hearts.

Mhmm, that sounded better.

After all, matchmaking two people who were ~❤meant to be❤~ (directly quoted from a text message by Kai, heart Emojis included) could be considered as helping out, right? Even if it involved broken door handles, flying pudding and malfunctioning toasters, right?

“So what’s Plan K?” Tao asked, looking at everyone.

“Uhh, go with the flow?” Suggested Xiumin, puffing his cheeks.

“We went with the flow for plans E to H,” Baekhyun snorted. “And allow me to remind you, they ALL FAILED MISERABLY. We need a real plan, A FULLPROOF PLAN, do ya hear me?”

“They can hear you in Iceland.”

A slight grimace appeared on Chen’s face as he shifted around and stretched out the kinks in his back. Sitting for hours on end on a rickety, wooden chair was not comfortable in the slightest. He warily eyed the single, swinging light bulb above their heads; the only source of light in the dimly lit room. All ten of these K-pop stars were currently huddled around a circular table scattered with notebook paper, broken pencils, half-eaten snacks of the Asian variety and a fun-size panda plushie.

Chen shot a resentful glare at his fellow members.

Let’s do all the scheming in the basement, they said. It’ll feel like we’re an awesome, top secret government organisation planning world domination, they said.

“So,” Baekhyun sighed. “Plan K. We need a clever, well thought-out plan to get Luhan and Sehun together – with ZERO DISTRACTIONS,” he looked pointedly at Chanyeol, who suddenly avoided all eye contact, “or disasters. Like what happened in Plan D. God do you guys remember that?”

“And Plan Bagel,” Xiumin nodded glumly, munching on some green tea Pepero.

“And Plan Cupcake.”

“Don’t forget Plan That-Delicious-Kimchi-Spaghetti-D.O.-Cooked-For-Us-Once-And-Then-Never-Did-Again.”

They all shook their heads, sighing at the memory. “Disaster.”

Being the creative minds that they were, Exo had started off naming their plans using numbers – starting with Plan Zero. Then they got bored with that and decided on naming them after months. Months ran out, so they moved on to favourite foods, then quickly changed to favourite animals because favourite foods were utterly catastrophic.

Somewhere along the line, Kris had a of genius and suggested, quite eloquently, ‘Why the don’t we just use the alphabet?’. It saved the numerous brain cells wasted on naming the plans each session, and also didn’t take up lines and lines to write on their notebooks. Job well done, Kris.  

D.O. let out a frustrated moan. “We should’ve just given up months ago, like I suggested. But nooo, no one ever listens to my opinion unless it’s got something to do with tonight’s dinner, or tomorrow’s lunch--”

“Well I am feeling kinda hungry...” Chanyeol piped up. He grinned expectantly at D.O, waggling his eyebrows, and earned himself a powerful hit from the mighty fist of Dyodor in response.

Suho sighed and rubbed his face wearily. “Come on guys, Luhan and Sehun are our best friends, our dearest members, our comrades, our BROTHERS! Let’s be a little more selfless and think up a credible plan for them, hm? Whatever happened to ‘We Are One’?”

From somewhere within the room, a vague “Go eat a rainbow..” was muttered.

“Why can’t Luhan and Sehun just be like those two?” Chen grumbled, pointing to Chanyeol and Baekhyun, whose seats were conveniently next to each other. “They didn’t need any help getting together. And now we can hardly peel them off each other’s faces—oh look there we go. What was I saying again?” 

Chanyeol had snuggled into Baekhyun to sulk about D.O.’s rejection, which led to affectionate petting on Baekhyun’s behalf, which somehow led to the two of them making out in the corner before Chen had finished his sentence.

“Tsch. And you guys say that I’m the erted one.” Kai snorted.

Xiumin made a disgusted face at Baekyeol before sighing dejectedly as well. "This is so hard and taking so long.”

“That’s what she said!!”

“Yes Kai, you’re really helping prove your point.”

Xiumin pulled a soccer ball out of no-where and lobbed it in Kai’s direction. Kai had his years of training and fast reflexes to thank, because the ball missed him by a mere half-inch as he dodged at the last second.

“What…WHERE THE -BALLS DID THAT EVEN COME FROM?”

Xiumin answered with a a non-committal shrug.

“Kai, sit yo down and shut up.”

“But seriously guys! Back to the point! Have you seen the way Luhan and Sehun look at each other? All they need is a little push in the right direction! Really!” Suho wailed, trying to get everyone back on topic.

“Oh yeah, ambushing them while wearing Iron Man masks, tying them up using a jump rope and throwing them into the cleaning supply closet was clearly the right direction to go.”

“Well maybe if you guys hadn’t broken down the door trying to eavesdrop, they would’ve sparked something special in there!”

At this, Kris let out a small huff of amusement while everyone else continued on with the arguing brainstorming (except Kai. He now appeared to be doodling something shaped suspiciously like a carrot between two tomatoes on Xiumin’s note paper. Oh and Lay, who was sound asleep on the table).

Spark something special my . Kris rolled his eyes. They’re already sparking alright. Sparking like…fireflies…shut in a microwave. By me.

The majestic dragon snickered at his own poetic genius.

You’re all peasants. Absolute peasants.

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

One fine evening when most of his groupmates were in the dorms messing around, Kris stalked back to their dance studio to retrieve his forgotten iPod. With a stride in his step and his favourite Alpaca plushie perched on his shoulder, Kris was about to turn the doorknob when he heard a murmuring voice drift from within the room.

Dafuq, is someone practising at this time of the night? There’s no music…

. What if it’s one of those ghosts that Tao claims to haunt him? No wait, what if it’s a burglar here to steal my face lotions? No wait, what if it’s a serial murderer who hunts down fabulous Kpop idols like myself? No wait, what if it’s sasaeng fan who wants to wear my underwear? WHAT IF IT’S ALL OF THE ABOVE?!

In order not to disturb the atrocity Kris now believed to be inside the dance studio (don’t judge an artist’s imagination, he is a man of creativity ok), he quietly opened the door a sliver and took a quick peek inside. The sight that greeted him was quite in contrast to his previous belief: two distinct, blonde mushroom heads, huddled side by side on the polished floor in the far corner of the studio. The taller of the two had his arm tightly gripping the other’s waist, and the deer-like one was whispering animatedly, clearly comfortable with the invasion of personal space. 

Huh. It’s just Luhan and Sehun… friendly hugging?  Kris threw a questioning glance at Ace resting on his shoulder.

Why are they here and not---oh. Oh. OH. Fracking lord of all chicken nuggets, now THAT is not friendly hugging. NOT friendly hugging anymore!

Ace fell to the ground with a light thump in Kris’s haste to back away from the shocking/intriguing/strangely arousing/mostly disturbing sight, and Kris swiftly swooped him up with a long arm, then preceded to fly away on his long legs.

Later that evening, when Luhan and Sehun left their dance studio, they questioned why the door was slightly ajar when they clearly remembered closing it.

Kris’s iPod also spent a lonely night in the studio.

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

"… no, we've tried the attack-of-random-flying-kungfu-pandas thing too many times already," Suho sighed, bringing Kris out of his trance. Kris tried to catch up to the conversation while quickly stopping himself from smirking at his memory. The face must be maintained.

"And it's so … overused. So unoriginal."

"But gege~ What else is there to do?” Tao whined and the plush panda on the table. What was the stuffed toy doing there? No one really knew, but over time they had gradually adopted it as their mascot of sorts (and they, or rather Tao, had affectionately named it Polly).  "Should we tie them up to a streetlight and leave it to fate?"

"Hmm…"

"Yeah, perfect,” Chen rolled his eyes. "And watch them get run over by a drunk driver? Oh, I can see that working out juuust fine."

“You know what? No. Just…no. I don’t even care anymore. No to everything.” A very grumpy looking D.O. cut in. It appeared he had suddenly decided pessimism was his best friend in life. That packet of chips on the table was obviously half empty. All arguments invalid.  

“But what about—” Tao tried again.

“I said, just no.”

“But-but you—”

“No.”

 “—don’t—”

“No.”

 “—even know—”

“No.”

 “—what I’m—”

“No.”

“—trying to say.”

“It’s probably something stupid anyway.”

“Why are you—”

“Because I’m real tired of your . ALL. Of. You. All of you little s, and all of your .”

With those final, impactful words, D.O. snatched a packet of shrimp crackers from their supply on the table, turned his back to everyone and promptly began eating without a care for the world.

“…Someone care to explain to me what just transpired?”

“We got an N.O. from D.O? Heh that rhymed. Did you hear that? That rhym – nevermind.”

 “Gege was being mean~”

“Tao, you’re the same age. You can’t call D.O. a hyung.”

“I’m still the maknae of Exo-M!”

“Don't challenge Tao, bro. He finally found his lost wushu stick hot glued under the bathroom cabinet the other day. Also, he’s undeniably the biggest baby here because who the hell else needs shower companions at the age of 21?”

“WHY DOES NO ONE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I SAW A GHOST!!?”

“My God, D.O.’s right, you’re all stupid.”  Baekhyun interjected.

“Why don’t you take that stick out of your , .” Kris narrowed his eyes threateningly.

 “Kreese, don’t be mean to my Baekkie!”

“I think we can all agree that I’m not the one who walks around with a face indicating something in my rear end needs removing.” Baekhyun retorted, casually picking at his nails.

“Say that again and I’ll personally ensure something much more painful than a stick will be up your .”

Kai cocked his head to the side, “Juuuust like last night?”

 “…the ?”

 Suho face-palmed. “Kai please restrain yourself from commenting at a time like this.”

“GEGE! What were you doing with Kai last night?! This is turning into the worst day ever! I need Korean beef to pacify my soul!”

 “…What happened to this conversation. What has our generation even come to…”

“I’m so lost…”

“Oh Lay, you’re alive?”

“What the heck is going on?! Tao don’t you dare start crying. I swear to God, I hate it when you cr – oh look, there he goes.”

“ And I reiterate, you’re all stupid.”

“Y-you’re just being mean like D.O gege too~”

While this was going on in the background, D.O’s smug smile was hidden from view.

This is payback, ers, for making me to cook all the freaking time – every meal, rain or shine, indoors or outdoors, with or without a stove.  Payback’s a I guess!

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

D.O. had woken one night feeling incredibly, unbelievably thirsty. He blamed it on the excessive vocal training that had taken place earlier that day.

Reluctantly, he dragged himself out of bed and groggily stumbled towards the kitchen in search for a cup of water. His eyes, lidded in half-sleep, flew open upon seeing his roommate. Kai, being the dancing machine that he was, had tendencies to move around during sleep. That is, he seemed to enjoy performing some sort of Olympic gold medal-worthy one-man synchronised swimming routine on his bed. This very night was no different, and D.O. inwardly gulped at the smooth expanse of bronze skin now showing, since Kai’s shirt had ridden up from his movements. What remaining moisture in his mouth was dry, and suddenly, the thirst was unbearable.

D.O. shook his head to clear his thoughts and hurriedly continued his journey towards the kitchen. He was never going to get used to rooming with Kai. He cutely slapped both hands over his face a few times.

Water.. just find water…

As he turned the corner, however, D.O’s large eyes widened even further, so that they almost vaguely resembled how his name looks. All thoughts of how soothing the cold liquid would feel running down his parched throat were vanquished as he skidded to a stop.

The kitchen was there, right up ahead.

Luhan was there, back pressed into the kitchen counter.

Sehun was there too, pressing Luhan into said counter.

And D.O. did not want to be there at that moment.

Now was a good time to thank all Gods in every religion that he walked with a light step, because he certainly hadn’t alerted the two of his presence. At least, not from the looks of it, since they continued on pressing their faces into each other’s.  

It’s Luhan…Sehun. Luhan WITH Sehun. Which means they’re...already together!? We’re doing all this stupid scheming, but they’re already together!?! I need to go tell the others!

He scrambled to turn on his heel but immediately halted a second later. His mind was suddenly thinking back to the lovely words the others generally said to him these days:

“Gege I’m hungry!”

“Food..need..dying..please..feed…!”

 “I think it’s time for breakfast D.O!”

 “Is afternoon tea ready?”

“I think it’s time for a snack D.O!”

“Make kimchi spaghetti man! We haven’t eaten that since forever!”

“I think it’s time for lunch D.O!”

“Omma, why’re you out of the kitchen? HAHA I’m so funny.”

“I think it’s time for dinn–D.O? D.O! D.O-OO~”

With fists clenched, D.O. took one last glance at the couple beside the kitchen counter, shook his bangs out of his face, then calmly strode back to his room with purpose.

No. No I’m not going to tell the others. They can find out for themselves, while I watch them plan schemes like idiots. Serves them right for treating me like a 24/7 takeout place.

That night D.O. slept with a smirk on his face, and a throat that could rival the Sahara.

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

“Guys guys guys, come on, we’re going off track again!” Suho exclaimed exasperatedly.

"Well, what do YOU propose we do then, gramps?"

"Let's set them on fire," Chanyeol blurted out. In his deep baritone he murmured, “I love fire…” Baekhyun noticed the manical glint in his eyes and kicked him from under the table.

"Be serious."

"I AM serious!"

"Chanyeol,” Suho began with the patience of a father potty training his toddler. “You can’t really control fire. This will get out of hand, and the only thing you’ll achieve is burning down our house—"

"Actually," Chen interrupted, grinning devilishly, "that's not a bad idea."

"Excuse me?" Xiumin choked on his Pepero. "Don't tell me you actually agree with this – this –"

"Genius? Yes, thank you," Chanyeol flashed his famous, creepy, no-one-would-ever-want-to-see-that-outside-their-window-in-the-middle-of-the-night smile, scribbling something down on their 'Plan K' note.

Suddenly, a wild soccer ball appeared and knocked Chanyeol right off his chair. Headshot.

“What…I SWEAR TO GOD, I DIDN’T EVEN SEE HIM PICK THAT UP AFTER THROWING IT AT ME LAST TIME!” Kai screeched.

Xiumin gave a non-committal shrug and went back to chewing a Pepero stick.

Chanyeol groaned from the floor. All he’d really wanted to do was to light something on fire. It was just that…that BURRRRNNNN mood he had at random intervals.

"Well we need a plan!" Tao wailed, having now settled down to pitiful sniffling.

“Yeah guys.” Mumbling in agreement, Chanyeol shared a sly grin with Baekhyun as he got back into his seat.

Actually, they thought, we don’t need a plan. Not really.

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

Finally it was a day off for Exo, and the Baekyeol couple had grasped the opportunity to get some alone time in the form of a quick date to eat food. Well, their excuse had been to go out and buy food for Exo, but technically they were Exo, so feeding themselves counted too, right?

Chanyeol skipped along the street with a contented smile.

“So full~”

Baekhyun hummed in agreement.

“So Baekkie, what should we eat next?”

“…”

“Ddubokki was really filling, so now I want something sweet!” Chanyeol continued, oblivious to Baekhyun’s raised eyebrow.

“I feel like…HEY LOOK BAEK! BUBBLE TEA!”

He ruffled Baekhyun’s hair excitedly and then skipped off towards the shop he had set sights on, looking very much like a giraffe on crack. Baekhyun let out a huff and went to catch up with Chanyeol while smoothing down his mahogany brown locks. The corners of his mouth, however, twitched up in affection.

 They were nearing the shop and Baekhyun could clearly see the dainty yellow tables, the array of vibrantly coloured paper decorating the interior, and the large COFIOCA© overhead. A few steps further, and he could also see two very familiar looking figures, finishing up their purchase.

“Chanyeol, wait!” Baekhyun cried and ran forward with an outstretched arm. He forcefully pulled the giant back, causing Chanyeol to collide into his chest. The two nearly toppled over, and Chanyeol barely eked out a ‘what’s wrong Baekkie!’ before Baekhyun had slapped a hand over his mouth and dragged him around the corner (an amazing feat considering the height difference).

“Look!” He hissed, head tilting towards the bubble tea shop.

Chanyeol’s eyes widened comically as he witnessed Luhan and Sehun appear through the exit. Luhan glanced quickly left and right, and once he was positive no one had noticed them, he allowed Sehun to take his hand and lead them back to their dorms.

“A-are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“I-I think I am, B2.”

“They look like…like a couple.”

“Yeah. Like us. On a date. On a bubble tea date. Unbelievable.”

“B-but I guess we have a lot skinship between our members all the time, don’t we? So maybe they’re just—”

At this very moment, as if he had heard the exchange and wanted to prove something, Sehun leaned over and pecked Luhan on the cheek sweetly. Luhan’s hand momentarily slipped out of their handhold to wrap around Sehun’s waist and give him a quick squeeze in return.

Baekhyun pointed a finger accusingly and turned to Chanyeol with his mouth open. No words came out, but his face said it all.

Well, what do you make of THAT?

There was stunned silence as Luhan and Sehun slowly disappeared out of view. For once in his life, even Park Chanyeol was speechless.

Actually that was a lie, he was speechless when he first set sights on Baekhyun too, but that’s a whole other story.

So after what felt like 5 hours of contemplative stillness, he decided to break the unbearable silence.

“Do we tell the others?”

“…Should we?”

Turning to each other, they both blurted at the same time,

“I’d feel bad to be the one breaking the news for them!”

“I’d feel like I’ve intruded on something really personal!”

At this, a smile returned to Chanyeol’s face, lighting up his features once again.

“We should let Luhan and Sehun tell everyone once they feel comfortable enough to, right Baekkie?

“Right. This is their privacy and we’re in no place to go around spilling their secrets. Are you a blabbermouth? Cause I sure am not.”

“Right, because we’re awesome friends, we’ll keep their secret for them.”

“Also because we know how it feels to be in their position.”

“And also because we can watch the others scheme in vain.”

“We can purposefully mess up their plans.”

“We have knowledge over even Kris-hyung this time!”

“Well what can I say, it seems great minds think alike.”

“So it’s agreed that we’ll be Luhan and Sehun’s protectors, guardians of their relationship, advocates of the homo rage!”

“…That’s really…gay.”

“Ahh I see what you did there~”

“Hurhurhrurhur”

“Ehuerhureheurhurhuehur”

Thus, Baekhyun and Chanyeol went back to their dorms empty-handed that day.

They were met with seven unimpressed faces, one indifferent Suho (he’d expected as much from those two) and one extremely irritated manager.

Nevertheless, it wasn’t enough to wipe the stupid smiles off their faces.

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

"I still think my idea was good." Tao grumbled, fixing Polly’s bright pink bow.

Chanyeol waved his arms dramatically. "Please! Creative juices people! Ideas! Regurgitate them! Throw em out here! Hurl em at me!"

“I’ll hurl this table at you if you don’t shut the up this instant.”

"We need something," Suho coughed to interrupt Kris from intentionally-accidently murdering Chanyeol, "that doesn’t involve any flying objects, fire, trains, cactuses, elastic bands, dispensable staplers, Fairy Tail cosplaying and melted cheese."

Chen groaned, leaning forward he placed his chin on the table, lolling his head sideways. "We need a miracle."

“♪~Miracles in Decem—”

“Shut it.”

Kris frowned. "It’s the ty names," he declared as his eyebrows furrowed even further than normal, "Plan A? Plan B? Are you for real? Which completely unsophisticated moron thought that up?"

"… You did."

“… No, I didn’t.”

“Uhh, yes you did.”

"Uhh nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

“Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

“Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

“Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh –"

"AS INTERESTING as this conversation's going," Suho interrupted deadpanning, “it's getting us nowhere."

Kai grunted in response, drumming his fingers on the table surface. After vandalising all Plan K notes with at least 20 carrot-tomato shaped atrocities, he’d run out of things to do.

At first it had been utterly amusing watching his hyungs struggle. But now he was getting slightly tired of it. He could be spending all this free time working towards beating Kris at airport fashion or something!

Geez, Luhan and Sehun are already together you idiots! Of course, being the awesome person I am, only I know.

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

During an allocated period of free time earlier that year, Kai had seized this chance to treat himself to a personal shopping trip.

Kris-hyung is getting all the attention at the airports. Must get more awesome, eye-catching stuff and steal the show. Mwahahaha. Why am I so smart?

All ready to enact his amazing, secret plan towards world domination, decked in inconspicuous sunglasses and a checkered Fedora, Kai snuck to the closest shopping district.

Time to amp up my style!

He chose to enter a nearby shopping mall, appreciative of the cool breeze and the small amount of shoppers. It was the perfect place for an idol to browse undetected.

Like a child on Christmas morning, he sprinted towards the nearest men’s clothing store with glee. Kai didn’t get very far however, for he was distracted by his own reflection in a mirror.

“Hey there y, lookin fine today.” He breathed to himself. Briefly removing his hat, Kai suavely threaded his fingers through his silky locks until he was satisfied that the positioning of them was simply dazzling.

And that’s when he noticed something through the mirror reflection that caused his jaw to drop to the floor and roll away (his Fedora did just that, in a literal sense).

“Holy , what in the what?!” Frozen in his spot, Kai could only gape at the two figures through the mirror reflection.

It was unmistakable.

He had recognised them instantly, because those were the exact disguises they had worn leaving the dorms that morning (you’re not fooling anyone with those Koala earmuffs Luhan). What flabbergasted him was why those two were here, together, when they had clearly left this morning separately, with a 20-minute interval between them, and for entirely differently reasons.   

Kai brought his sunglasses down his nose and watched as Sehun, after making sure no shoppers were nearby, reached over and placed a ridiculous, feathery fascinator on Luhan’s head, tongue sticking out in concentration.  Luhan’s mouth curved into a mock frown, but couldn’t keep the smile out of his eyes.

Kai continued watching through the mirror, taking in every detail – like how the wispy, pink feathers jiggled as Luhan playfully wacked Sehun on the arm, or how that pink mirrored the colour of Luhan’s cheeks as Sehun leaned in and eskimo kissed him two times.

Holy .

Sehun then glanced up once more to check if anyone was watching, and that finally snapped Kai out of his daze. With a litheness that would make James Bond proud, he dove to the floor and scooped up his runaway hat in one swift motion before commando rolling to skid behind a clothing rack, out of Sehun’s sight. Pulling himself up to lean against the (probably unstable) rack, Kai pulled his legs up, ran a hand through his now messy hair and fought to calm his thundering heart.

Holy .

What just happened?

What did I just witness?

Why are they here?

Why am I here?

Why does the world spin round?

What is life?

Profound questions indeed.

Kai didn’t mind that he currently looked like some hobo to any passers-by. He’d be a hot hobo at least. And it was precisely at that moment that five new thoughts ran through Kai’s head.

1. Sehun, that little , didn’t tell me.
2. Sehun, that little , didn't even appear to have been planning to tell me.
3. The hyungs have been scheming in that smelly basement for nothing.
4. I’m the only one who knows.
5. I am awesome.

Thus, following the logic of Kai’s mind, he deemed it was only proper that he continued to sit in at the regular basement meetings, and continued to watch his hyungs bicker like headless chickens (wait, how do headless chickens bicker, did he use the wrong idiom again?), whilst basking in his own all-powering awesomeness.

With newfound determination, Kai rolled out of his hiding spot and ran all the way back home without sparing a glance back. He may or may not have let out a manly squeal in the process.

Kris looked up from his laptop as an out of breath Kai slammed through the front door. He arched a perfect eyebrow.

“What happened to you?”

“…Nothing.”

“I thought you said you went to get a new hairdryer?”

“Uhh yeah I did. Yup.”

“…Well where is it?”

“… In my pants.”

“……”

“……”

“Won’t even ing question it.”

“Good choice.”

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

“This is just another wasted session isn’t it? Why do we always spend our free days like this?” Xiumin sighed, smoothing his sideburns.

“Because unlike someone, the rest of us are nice people.” Chen bit back.

“Oh that’s hilarious. Last time I checked, being nice wasn’t equivalent to—OW! DID YOU JUST FLICK ME IN THE FACE WITH AN ELASTIC BAND?!”

“…Maybe?”

“YOU CAMEL-FACED LITTLE SH—”

“Guys settle down, you’re not helping the situation! We’re supposed to be brainstorming, not evaluating our moral characters. And for the love of all things holy, if you start another flicking war…”

Baekhyun suddenly perked up, tapping a finger on his chin thoughtfully. "You know, it just hit me," he said slowly, staring off into the distance. "I –"

"You have a sudden urge to buy a pet turtle?" Chanyeol suggested.

"No. But now that you mention it…"

"Get back to the point!" Kris barked at Baekhyun while shooting an intense glare at Chanyeol for his nonsensical disruptions.

BAM!

Lay’s head hit the table and startled the crap out of everyone. At first it seemed like a ridiculously long head bang as they waited patiently for him to come back up.

Then they all realised he had fallen asleep. Again.

Chen and Xiumin promptly resumed discreetly flicking each other under the table. Their unrestrained expressions gave it away though, and Suho shook his head sadly. Then Xiumin decided he’d had enough and the soccer ball made a re-appearance. Poor ChenChen, never stood a chance.

"As you've probably noticed," Baekhyun started again after the long pause. He nodded at the piles of notes in front of them – and next to, and under, and above, and behind, and thrown around every accessible part of the room– "we've covered all these ridiculous plans, yet the answer is so obvious!"

"I said get to the ing point, dickface!"

"… How rude."

Baekhyun purposefully ignored Kris. "ANYWAYS, it's so obvious, I don't know why we've never thought of it before!"

"Is there a need for me to repeat myself?"

"Let's have a horror movie marathon!"

"I SAID THE POINT!"

"THAT WAS THE POINT!"

“WHAT THE DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?”

“I DON’T KNOW! I JUST THOUGHT THAT MAYBE THEY’D GO ALL CLICHÉ ON US WITH LUHAN SQUEALING AND CLINGING TO SEHUN AT THE SCARY PARTS AND THEN VOILA! COMMENCE SOULFUL STARING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES! MWAHAHA! MOO HA HAR HAR HAR!”

Leaving Baekhyun to cackle at his own ingeniousness (until Xiumin hurled the soccer ball at his head), the rest of the members fell silent, seriously contemplating the potential idea. Suho, on the other hand, looked like he was seriously contemplating throwing himself out the window. Only they were in a basement and there was no window, so there went that plan.

Why do I feel like I’ve heard Baekhyun say something like that before…? Xiumin blinked once he’d shut the kid up. Soon recognition swept over him and a wistful smile crossed his face.

Ah, of course. He said practically the same thing for Plan BBQ.  Ahh yes, that lovely escapade…

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~

 

Baekhyun glimpsed inside the dance studio and saw their dancer line (Kai, Lay, Luhan and Sehun) diligently practising their part for an upcoming performance, despite it being 2am in the morning. Nodding in approval, he scurried back to where his teammates were waiting.

“Alright, so I’ll go through this plan one last time. Once they’re finished, Kai will immediately retreat to the back and leave with Yeolie, Kris and Chen. Remember, your ambush location is that gap between the bushes on the side of the road. I’ve put a Pikachu cushion there. If you miss it I will forever judge you. During your ambush, you have to ensure you give Hunhan enough time to realise the danger of the situation, stare soulfully into each other’s eyes and BAM,” Baekhyun stared starry-eyed at the ceiling and clasped his hands together animatedly. “They’ll think ‘omg I didn’t realise he was so important to me until now.’ Alright… Team A you get a 10 minute head start for this, then Tao, you will precisely start screaming in pain.”

Tao waved his hand. “I know what I’m doing gege, I came up with this plan remember?”

Indeed, this genius plan named BBQ involved Tao faking an injury to encourage Luhan and Sehun to go out and buy some medicine in a nearby 24-hour supermarket. The deal was, they would never make it, and would instead be ambushed along the way by Team A, dressed as professional muggers. Luhan and Sehun would, in such a moment of life-threatening danger, stand to protect each other, thus effectively sparking a realisation within both of them of just how much they lurved cared for each other. At least, this was how it usually went down in those Asian dramas Tao not-so-secretly sobbed at.

Seeing as it was 2am in the morning and interference had been eliminated a considerable amount, this plan was bound to work, right?

Through much discussion (whilst ignoring Suho’s wailing that this plan was ‘ridiculous, risky and should not have ever been put into consideration at all and why was no one listening to him why did no one ever listen to him Goddamnit you kids have no respect for the leader at all’), Exo’s final Plan BBQ note looked a little something like this:

Soon, Kai left the practice room with the excuse of sudden explosive diarrhoea and hurriedly joined the rest of Team A to go prepare. Team B, C and D waited on pins and needles for their return. Luckily, not too long after, figurative curtains opened to reveal the snazzily dressed Team A –

 “…What the actual , Chanyeol?"

Kris, Chen and Kai had donned all black attire, very much looking the part indeed. On the other hand, Chanyeol, being the special child he was, had decided this was the perfect opportunity to show off his ninja suit.

“Yeol! What are you doing?” Baekhyun hissed upon seeing the giant prance towards them. The only part of him left visible were his eyes, and they were clearly twinkling with self-accomplishment at the moment.

“Looking awesome, is what I’m doing,” Chanyeol replied gleefully, flinging forward a fast-travelling, grey projectile that missed its target completely (unless he argued that he had been aiming for Suho’s crotch in that group photo on the wall). “Look, ninja star HA!”

Chanyeol cheered and elbowed Kris happily, which led the rest of the members to notice that, wait a second, was Kris perhaps sparkling a little too much? Upon closer inspection, they realised this was due to the fact that he was clothed in a studded leather jacket, shiny, metallic dark pants with studs down the sides, studded black sneakers, and multiple stud earrings. Large gemstone rimmed sunglasses covered half his face, and a pleather (studded, whaddaya know) snapback was haphazardly placed atop his blonde locks, with silver print reading ‘NOT MY STYLE' followed by an arrow pointing to the left (where Chanyeol currently happened to be, swinging his nunchuks around like a monkey high on banana milkshake).

Wut.

“Kris…you look…like a mallet.”

“This mallet will mallet your soon if you don’t stfu.”

“…Ew?”

Suho just stood and groaned for a good minute, while dragging his hand down his face in utter exasperation. Why did he even affiliate himself with these people again?

Baekhyun finally decided they really didn’t have the time for this and ushered Team A out.

Whilst leaving they started calling for Xiumin to follow suit and Xiumin blinked rapidly, appalled. He pointed a finger to himself in questionable disbelief. Baekhyun crossed his arms and nodded exaggeratedly. Xiumin responded by shaking his head a million times a minute.

“You’re on look-out duty hyung! It’s final. You need to head out as well.”

“If you can’t recall, I never agreed to take that stupid job.”

“But you’re the most suitable candidate!”

“Do enlighten me.”

“For starters, you’re 50 years old.”

“Excuse you, half 50.”

“Point is, you have life experience. Also, everyone else already has a task they’re in charge of.”

“So what you’re really trying to imply is that I’m useless?”

“…Hey you said it, not me.”

“Well, why don’t you leave this senile, useless old man alone and go find someone more suitable for your lookout job.”

“Nooooo hyung we neeeed youuu!”

“Tao! Aegyo, attack!”

“No no Tao, be a good boy and listen to hyung, do not use the – ! Oh .”

“Yesss hyung, now please do it for the Hunhan? Be the best look-out ever!”

Xiumin looked like someone just slaughtered a family of Baozi in front of him, peed on them, threw on a sprig of parsley and wished him Bon Appetite.

“So hyung,” Baekhyun steered Xiumin towards the front door, “remember to think stealthy. STEALTHY. Don’t get caught. Don’t catch a cold. Don’t die. Bye!” And with that, the rest of s scattered out of the doorway in record time, leaving their oldest hyung miffed, and facing the front door.

On the ‘unimpressed expression’ scale of 1 to 10, Xiumin’s face was currently a -life--this-world--you-all-you-ty-dongsaengs-imma-burn-everything you-love-no-wait-that’s-Kris’-line.

With the disgusted expression unwavering, he grudgingly went to hide himself in the shadows, and waited for the ensuing panic that would be the next phase of their plan.

And panic there was.

 Within minutes, a sudden high-pitched wailing assaulted Xiumin’s ears. It clearly came from far inside the dorm, however with its impressive volume it may as well have been right beside his head.

The corners of his mouth twitched a just the teensiest bit when he realised it was the sound of Taozi screaming incomprehensible Chinese. Xiumin had to hand it to the kid, Tao actually sounded like he was about to die.

There was worried shouting, pattering of feet, and he could barely make out a muffled “Lu ge, could you and Sehun go get some medicine while we look after him? It’s too late to call the manager, and as the resident medic and healing unicorn, I can swear on my illness detection radar that is just an old injury acting up” amidst all the noise.                                 

10 points to Lay for not forgetting his lines for once. Minus 20 points for adding his own friggin ad lib.

Not too soon after two pairs of feet resounded closer and closer, and Xiumin instinctively held his breathe and sunk deeper into the shadows.

“Hurry, Sehun-ah!”

Following a flurry of footsteps, the scuffling of a coat and the sound of shoes being hastily kicked on, the door slammed with a bang, and on cue the entire dorm was suddenly enveloped in silence.

One second later, Tao continued his high-pitched screeching.

“Tao, calm yourself, they’re gone now!”

“WHEN YOU GUYS THREW ME ON THE COUCH, I THINK YOU ALSO THREW OUT MY BACK!”

“What?! NO WAY! NO WONDER YOUR SCREAMING WAS SO REAL! Kyungsoo, call them and tell them to actually buy the medicine after scaring Hunhan!!”

“O-oh ok.” D.O. fumbled with his phone for a moment. “Hello? Kris-hyung? Hello? Oh right, yes. Uh, awesomely competent and cool Team A Captain, this is Team C reporting. All plans in motion, repeat, all plans in motion.” Baekhyun mimed a ‘what the ’ to which D.O. mouthed back ‘I don’t know.’ “No wait, Team A Captain, a situation arises. Please buy medicine on your way back…no time for questions, just please do it. Team C out.”

“Are they ready yet?”

“Still on their way apparently. Chanyeol tripped over his nunchuks and scattered his ninja shurikan all over the sidewalk, which slowed the process a little.”

“Oh Jesus.”

“Where’s Suho hyung?”

“No clue. Probably moping in his room.”

“Oh. Well has Xiumin-hyung left yet?”

Xiumin took this as his cue to quietly exit the dorm without bothering to announce that ‘Team D was now embarking on his mission’, sniffing as he was instantly assaulted by the chilly breeze from outside. Winter was creeping around the corner, it seemed.

He trudged along the designated path, all the while cursing his fellow dongsaengs in his head.

Tch, lookout duty. Next time imma slap them all with my mighty baozi force, and I’ll make sure to do it BEFORE Tao comes in with his bbuing bbuings.

I hope Tao’s ok though…

No screw him, his aegyo is the reason I’m about to get frostbite in more than just my fingers.

Minutes later, he was so immersed into his lovely fantasy of abusing s that he almost, almost didn’t realise he had caught up to Luhan and Sehun.

They were less than 20 paces ahead of him, so as soon as he realised his mistake, Xiumin impulsively threw himself behind a nearby tree with a scream, arms flailing like a malfunctioning octopus. Turns out he was overly excited because he ended up going beyond the tree and into a row of unsuspecting bushes. Luckily, said bushes hid his just in time.   

“What was that?” Luhan whipped around at the noise, startled. Sehun, comprehending everything a second too late, stumbled into Luhan and then tripped over his long legs in his haste to straighten himself.

Xiumin pulled himself out of the bushes and spat a few leaves before frowning at the scene before him. One minute ago Luhan and Sehun had been briskly walking not two steps ahead, now one was face-planted onto the ground while the other hovered beside worriedly.

“Sehun-ah! Are you ok?”

Luhan’s voice was faint, but the absence of usual city clatter allowed Xiumin to hear it with almost an echoed quality.

Sehun let out a pained groan as Luhan helped him sit up, lips in a tight smile, eyes laced with concern.

“I’m so sorry Sehunnie. I stopped too suddenly and forgot how tired you were after a long day.”

“It’s not your fault hyung, I just didn’t look where I was going.”

Sehun winced as Luhan lifted his scraped palm to inspect it. After a few moments of looking, Luhan placed a small, tender kiss to that hand.

Xiumin gulped.

Then Luhan gathered Sehun into his arms and Sehun leaned into Luhan’s chest like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Xiumin’s eyes bugged out.

“I said I’d protect you at all times, but I’m not being a very good hyung am I?” Luhan murmured as he the top of Sehun’s head soothingly. “Or boyfriend.” He added.

If it were humanly possible, Xiumin’s eyeballs would’ve already popped out of their sockets and splattered all over the tree trunk by now.

Is this for real? Is the lack of noise messing with my hearing or something?! And sight!?

Sehun let out a little huff and mumbled something that sounded like “it’s not your fault you can’t protect me from my own clumsiness”.

At that moment, it dawned upon Xiumin just how adorable and utterly perfect they looked: right there in the middle of the road on a blanket of frost, while twirling, starry flakes flecked the air around them, glistening as they settled into Luhan and Sehun’s glossy hair. The tip of Luhan’s nose glowed pink, cutely matching the apples of Sehun’s cheeks, and as he let out a little chuckle his breath came out in a gentle flurry of crystalline white.

Didn’t this bear such resemblance to a scene from a manga? Wasn’t this what they’d all been wishing to happen? Wasn’t this, in some strange, no-homo sense, a dream come true?!

“Lu, what if the hyungs find out?”

But we don’t mind at all! Xiumin wanted to jump out and scream. In fact, we’ve been trying to get you two together! Who would’ve thought you didn’t need any help at all! Or possibly, did one of our plans work? And we didn’t realise…?

“Don’t worry, once we’re ready, we’ll tell them. I’m sure they’ll be supportive. As for right now, we’re gonna need to go get you some band-aids.” Luhan picked some snowflakes off Sehun’s fluffy hair affectionately.

Xiumin almost ‘awwwed’ out loud.

Don’t worry you two! Leave it to hyung. I’ll make sure those idiots don’t bother you!

Xiumin puffed out his chest but quickly made to scramble out of the bushes when he saw Luhan and Sehun had continued forward.

No wait, you can’t keep going! But…but I can’t reveal the plan because that leads to all the scheming we’ve done behind their backs and also reveals me as a creepy stalking look-out. Hmmm, I guess I’ll just have to stop Team A then.

All too soon, the Hunhan couple reached the dreaded ‘gap between bushes were a Pikachu pillow lived’.

Xiumin noticed the four shadowy figures (two muggers, one mallet and one ninja) appear just before Luhan and Sehun, and took that moment to guffaw once again at Chanyeol and Kris. Because in all seriousness, they looked like a complete tools. How were Hunhan taking them seriously?

“Hand over your money.”

That was obviously Kris with his poorly disguised accent.

Luhan and Sehun stiffened, before Luhan slowly moved until Sehun was behind him, and took up a defensive stance.

“I thought we were supposed to grab one of them?” One of the attackers, with a voice sounding like Kai’s, whispered. 

“We didn’t plan this out well did we?” Attacker Three, whose stature and veiled jawline looked suspiciously like Chen, whispered back.

“Shut the up and go mug one of them.”

“Ninja star HA!”

Xiumin slapped a hand to his face as he watched the plastic shurikan bounce uselessly off Luhan’s shoulder. He was just prepared to make his presence known (Xiumin’s plan had been to ‘help’ Luhan and Sehun get away by ‘defeating’ the muggers with his ever-so-handy soccer ball), but he didn’t even get to step out from behind the tree.

Because Luhan, shocking everyone at the scene, pulled some kickass moves out of nowhere.

In swift concession, he coolly slapped down the second shurikan the Attacker-Four-the-ninja had just flung at him, and ran forward to punch Attacker One in the gut (Attacker One’s embarrassing hat was pathetically knocked 3 feet away). Without pause, Luhan spun in a back roundhouse and fell Attacker Two, kicked Attacker Three in the shins whilst simultaneously grabbing Attacker Four by his nunchuks and flipping him into the ground, before going back to karate chop Attacker Three in the jugular. Attacker Five seemed to pounce out of nowhere, and with lightening reflexes, Luhan nailed what looked like a helicopter kick of Tao’s level of BAMF-ery, completely KO-ing Attacker Five before he had a chance to lift a finger.  

It was literally over before Xiumin could blink.

He vowed to never doubt Luhan’s manliness again.

Xiumin then watched as Luhan sprung up from the epic stance he had finished in, gave his left wrist a few experimental twists – that could be interpreted as half threatening, half cocky but just looked so cool and Xiumin slapped himself for thinking that –  before turning around to grab Sehun’s arm and lead him away from the scene like the badass mofo he was. Xiumin was not struggling to restrain the urge to fan himself right then.  No way.

Luhan turned to Sehun and an angelic smile lit up his face, his previous, completely contrasting demeanour melting away. Sehun gave a proud eye-smile in return, and the two proceeded to skip off like they hadn’t just left five groaning men in ski masks/ninja costumes/D&G sunglasses littered on the pavement.

Xiumin remained rooted behind the tree trunk while he surveyed the mess. Looks like they didn’t need my help after all.

Tsch. That’s what you all get for treating your oldest hyung like this.

“W-we should’ve brought Tao.” Kris wheezed once the pair were out of earshot.

“Well we weren’t planning to hurt them.” Chanyeol rebutted, languidly pulling off his mask.

“Yeah, but now they’ve hurt us!”

“Kai-ahh, you still alive?”

“Yeah,” Kai croaked, “but who’s poking my ow ow ow, don’t touc—OW!”

Chanyeol attempted to sit up while muttering “I was trained from the age of 6.82 to conquer such mortal sentiments. I will not succumb to the pain-OW! DID YOU HEAR THAT CRACK? THAT DIDN’T SOUND HEALTHY!”

Attacker Five groaned a very familiar groan. All of them went silent. Xiumin raised an eyebrow from behind the tree. …Five?

“Wait…who the ’s this guy again?”

Attacker Five groaned pitifully again, before slowly pulling of his mask to reveal…

“SUHO HYUNG?!”

“I…just wanted…to help.” He wheezed. “I came anonymously to stop…you all… but Luhan… didn’t give me… a chance.” Wheeze wheeze.

“God damnit, Luhan.” Chen really wanted to laugh, and he would’ve done so if he hadn't been in so much pain.

And Xiumin did laugh. All the way back home, he laughed. While the anxious members back in the dorms asked about the success of the plan, he laughed. When the black-clad, not just physically bruised members trudged home, he laughed in their faces. When Luhan later enquired about the state of a select five members, and Baekhyun haphazardly explained the physics of five grown men falling down the stairs in a domino effect, he laughed even harder. 

Because safe to say, plan BBQ certainly went up in flames.

 

~~ ~~ ~~*~~ ~~ ~~