Minseok felt ambivalent about the spotlight about standing on stage. He terribly wanted to stand there to be under those footlights, to sing to dance to perfom and feel all those glances tickling his body from head to toe, feel the emotions of the crowd on the tip of his tongue. But at the same time he didn't want to stand in front, maybe he actually couldn‘t because all those eyes were prickling and whenever whatever he did on that stage never seemed good enough for that place  As if he wasn‘t doing his best to stand out but choosing to blend in, to be the lead dancer with great technique and skills that not everyone notices or the lead singer that doesn‘t have enough of lines to show off his high notes.

                 In the beginning he didn‘t have fans accusing him of flawless perfection, no, that was something that Luhan had to deal with or fans chanting his name just to have a longer glimpse of his face, that problem belonged to Kris. He didn‘t have a special talent for fans to demand to show every time, it was Tao‘s burden and duty and his voice wasn‘t praised as overpowering everything orchestra as Chen‘s. In the beginning fans almost didn‘t know anything about him. Except maybe his height. Short. Or his weight. Not skinny. Or his eyebrows. Lush in a bad way. It was something he thought about constantly, something he was getting used to.

                And he was getting apathetic despite the fact that he craved this debut, that he loved music as much as he loved well brewed coffee. He was getting depressed. Losing sleep and losing confidence, gaining anxiety and self-esteem struggles can do that to a person. But Minseok was the oldest, the tidiest, also probably the most reserved member of EXO, so his problems were always his. And it worked quite well for a while, all that self bashing was internal and his crooked smile never created any questions to ask.

               However, slowly yet steadily there appeared a change in his post debut life, something began disrupting his schedule of being n-th member of EXO-eating and dieting-lacking sleep due lack of time and abudance of thoughts-manoeuvring between members. Something was someone. Someone who would grab his hand while he would be busy manoeuvring around trying to avoid conflicts with other members and their egos. Or would look at him so intensely he would feel even without turning around in the van. Someone who would bring up his name during interviews when he already had said his laconic answer due to blur of Chinese he couldn‘t fathom either he tried or not. Who would give him a nickname baozi emphasizing exactly what he would choose to hide – his pale round cheeks – and turn it into an attractive trait.   

              Minseok was friendly, he was known as being friendly, rather reserved, slightly closed yet friendly. So he didn‘t do anything to withdraw his hand from the other even if he thought they were holding hands for too long or situation really didn‘t call for it. When he caught him staring numerous times he returned his look with small smile on his face before avoiding eye contact. And he didn‘t get angry when he heard baozi in the dorms and then kept hearing it during interviews having to answer how he likes it or laugh about it together with others.

               This is how it started. His need to be hugged, before he would feel him putting hands on his shoulders sliding to his back and he would slightly stiffen, now he doesn‘t move an inch. His need to be noticed, before when he caught him staring he would look at him with pleasant surprise or question in his eyes, now he doesn‘t look back at him and enjoys the journey of that look on his face. He doesn‘t try to find an awkward explanation for being called baozi anymore he just comes back from his room when someone shouts baozi! from the kitchen. Because he loves his hands, long and bony they give him sometimes tight sometimes feather soft hugs. He loves his eyes so big so ethereal, that actual deer in the headlights look, they search for his eyes sometimes sparkling with joy wanting to share it with him, sometimes filled with concern wanting to probe into his thoughts. Yes, he loves being called baozi because no other member has a nickname given by him because he, Minseok, is different, he is special.

                 He used to never iniatiate touching, he would keep his distance, mind his business, he wouldn‘t go looking for him first. Now sometimes he hugs him in airports, now sometimes when he isn‘t feeling well he makes sure to walk beside him, makes sure he reaches the van or plane safe and sound. Sometimes he tries to do it in a more casual manner on more random occasions but those times are still rare. Because Minseok fears. He fears that what was given can be taken from him. He fears to feel him stiffen. He fears his hands to be rejected. He fears to bother. It‘s not because he doesn‘t like Lu Han enough, it‘s because he likes him too much.