admiration, n.
             I remember the first time I met and saw you. It was the second day of class, it was our first class together, and we were waiting for our teacher. I noticed you immediately and can’t help but stare at you; you were then busy talking with your new found friends. When the teacher arrived, we were made to introduce ourselves one by one and it was one of those things that I don’t like to do and I was so sure that everyone in the class would agree with me on that. When it was your turn, I listened just like everyone else. But then, something was different – an unusual feeling I felt that I bet no one in the class felt the same way as I did, that it was just me who had it.

I decided to shrug the feeling off and decided to listen once again.

And I hang onto every word you said.

blush, n.
             It can’t be helped.

Whenever I catch a glimpse of your smile, hear you laugh or even just by the way your voice sounds as you talk to me, to a classmate or to anyone else. Blood would definitely rush to my cheeks and I’d feel them burn and I just had to look away. Distract myself. Find something or someone else to focus on.

The sensation was just so foreign to me. And I’m having a hard time to adjust.

crush, n.
             Remember when you found out who my “crush” was (you labeled him as my crush because you caught me looking at his nametag since curiosity got the best of me at that time. And well, I had to admit, he was cute) and you started to tease me along with our classmates whenever my so called “crush” passes by and I’d then get all embarrassed, bury my face on my hands telling you guys to stop. Well, I wanted you to know that it was never him. Not a chance. But I didn’t have the heart to tell you.

dumbfounded, adj.
             We were on a break and you took something out from your bag. I watched as you unravel something from a container and the sight of a harmonica greeted my eyes. You said something about how you got it and one of our classmates, Sehun, asked you to play a song. You were hesitant at first but then, moments later, you gave in to our plea. And when you began to hit the notes with that instrument of yours – I can’t help but stare at you. I’ll admit that I had fallen for you at that moment.

Or maybe I’m just exaggerating.

effortless, adj.
             I envy the way you manage to get along well with everyone. You tell jokes all the time to our classmates and you find humor and make humor out of everything and I love that. Though, sometimes, it gets kinda out of hand but I still love the way how you make every conversation sound so lively and not so dull and not so boring. I envy you for that. I envy you for what I lacked.

You were just like the current – you go with the flow.

first, adj.
             Didn’t you know that you were my first? Not my first crush though but you were my first boyfriend and first in everything? Well, I’d guarantee you that. You one lucky bastard.

gravity, n.
             I imagined myself falling – hard. And I imagined you to be there and catch me. I guess you did some time that I was nearing the ground. But you did not hold onto me for so long. That’s when I found out that gravity hurts. And I was stupid thinking I could defy it.

helter-skelter, adv.
             This totally describes you. No matter how much you try to hide everything with smiles, jokes and laughter. This word defines you. And now, it defines me too.

infidel, n.
             Josh Dunham and that skeleton puppet of his, remember? Oh how I laughed so hard watching that video. I even kissed you as a thank you for showing me that.

jerk, v.
             I told you that you could change for the better. I was not telling you to change who you are. But you were stubborn saying, “I’m Wu Yi Fan and you have to deal with that”. That broke my heart.

knife, n.
             You liked to play with knives. And I don’t understand how you get pleasure from it. But I can’t forget the time you decided to joke around with me using it in front of our friend, Baekhyun. You demonstrated to him slitting my neck with it, I heard Baekhyun gasp and I held my breath feeling the cold metal against my skin. You laughed saying, “Chill, this side wasn’t sharpened. The other is”. I wanted to let out a sigh of relief but I couldn’t. I know I could have cried if I did.

lust, n.
             It was because of this that our relationship started. Well, according to me, I guess. But my close friends agreed on me with this. And I won’t deny it. Our relationship didn’t start with something special. It didn’t even start with a proper hello. And it certainly didn’t end with a proper goodbye.

movie, n.
             One of the things I loved about you is that you made me watch all sorts of movies that you liked and I started to like them too. I thank you for that even though there were some movies that bore me to death but I decided to watch it till the end and talk about it with you after. I just wanted to have something in common with you. I just wanted to make you happy.

neck, n.
             I’d given you tips that I love being kissed and nuzzled on that certain spot but I don’t understand why you can’t seem to get it right. I thought you were skilled in these types of activities. That’s when I started to doubt you. But I still loved you anyway.

*only, adj.
             That’s the dilemma, isn’t it? When you’re single, there’s the sadness and joy of only me. And when you’re paired, there’s the sadness and joy of only you.

pick, n.
             You love playing the guitar and you collect all kinds of picks. You buy one and you lose it. You buy another, you found the lost one, keeps it, loses the new one, uses the old one and buys another when you’re sick of it. I was scared by that, you know. On how you could just get rid of those picks easily. What if it’s me?

quitter, n.
             I would have held onto this relationship for a long time. I admit, I was the one to break things between us. It was getting out of hand. And you don’t seem to notice it. Or pretend to not notice. I wouldn’t have given up on us. I wouldn’t have. But you gave up first – without knowing but with me noticing. And I just had to breakup with you.

rest, v. and n.
             That feeling when I’m in your arms. I feel so safe and so secure. I don’t want to leave. This is where we both agree with each other without saying so much and without even doing so much. We just lie there and I listen to your breathing and to the beating of your heart against your chest. And I can’t help but smile.

, v. and n.
             You introduced me to this though I know what this was all about even before we got together. You got me hooked and I kept wanting for more. You even deprive me of it just to tease me. And I hate and love you for that. Whenever we engage ourselves into this, that’s when I create the illusion that somewhere in the depths of your soul you will love me forever if we just do this over and over again and that you’ll want me more and you’ll never let me go.

But that was just wishful thinking.

tears, n.
             I’ve shed millions of them before and after I met you. If you managed to gather all of them together, I think, I’ve cried enough to make a river.

ukulele, n.
             You bought me one as a gift since I badly wanted to learn on how to play it. But you were the one who likes to and keeps on using it. So, I left you alone with it. I guess, you bought it for yourself. Not for me.

ity, n.
             Even though you promised not to take it away but then, eventually you did. That’s when I found out you can’t keep promises. You got what you wanted, happy now?

wasted, adj.
             “You’re wasted”, was what my friend, Jongin keeps on telling me. I could only smile at him weakly in response because why should I fight back? That was the truth, wasn’t it?

x, n.
             That’s what I am now to you. And that’s what you are now to me.

*yearning, n. and adj.
             At the core of this desire is the belief that everything can be perfect.

zenith, n.
             I don’t know where exactly it is. Where it accurately lies. I just know that it’s something that is imaginary and it points directly above something. I don’t even know where it’s heading off to or where it will lead me. But I badly want to be there right now.
 

A/N: The reason I stopped writing and updating, besides from the fact that I am now in college and is having a hard time adjusting, is that I had my first ever boyfriend and I was totally head over heels in love with him that I forgot about KPOP and writing fanfics and focused all of my attention to him which was a mistake. And I know, I know, call me stupid and all. My friends had called me that a couple of times and would just make fun of me whenever we bring him up in the picture which is fine with me. Haha. Anyways, we lasted for 9 months and I just had to break-up with him because it just felt so wrong. 6 months after out break-up even though I was the one who initiated the split, I still have problems moving on. L That’s why I managed to come up with this. Good thing David Levithan was here to help me (btw, the two words with (*) in the beginning i got them from David Levithan's book entitled The Lover's Dictionary). And you guys might find this weird but when I looked at Kris’ face after months of not knowing what was up with KPOP and all, I was just inspired to be back in the game. Oh thank you so much Kris Wu! What I wrote here in this fanfiction is purely my imagination. Though, I could relate to some situation that I wrote in this story in my real life but nothing that much to really dwell on. Hope you guys enjoyed this! Comments are loved! <3