[ 2 days later]

(Hyukjae POV)

Donghae went into surgery this morning and it was already past 3:00 pm now . Ryeowook and I waited outside the operating room . Kyuhyun was here too , but had to leave early for work. Ryeowook didn't start his classes today till evening  and I on the other hand just didn't bother to go at all. I knew it wouldn't be of any use, cause my mind was going to be fixed on Donghae the entire time.

Two nurses walked out of the  room and we rushed over to them to ask how everything went.

They smiled at us and told us that everything was alright and that we had to wait at least an hour before we could see him because he still hadn't woken up yet. Ryeowook let out a deep sigh.

"Well at least the worrisome part is over ." He said and placed a hand on my shoulder .

"Yeah, your right." I told him.

We went back and sat in the waiting room. I could see and feel the relief  in Ryeowook's voice and gestures now , he seemed relaxed now  and so did I.

"You should call his  mom and tell her that he is ok ." I suggested .

He didn't say anything and just shifted uneasily in his seat . I observed him and saw the tense expression reappear on his face once again.

"She might be worried ." I added .

"She doesn't know ........ she is not suppose to know ." He said and looked around the room.

"What ? Why ? " I was taken by surprise at what Ryeowook had just told me.

"Donghae told Kyuhyun and me not to tell her anything about it . He is like that , he doesn't want his mom , grandmother or little brother to worry for him. " He added , still not making eye contact .

"But they are family , if they are not supposed to be concerned about him than who else is?"  I said , almost arguing with Ryeowook even though it was clearly not his fault.

"It's Donghae , that's how he is . His mom and grandmother are already so preoccupied with his little brothers health ..... he doesn't want to add anymore stress or burden on them. I told him that he shouldn't be keeping things like this a secret from this family but he refuses to listen and I refuse to interfere in his family life. It's his life , he knows what he is doing .............. at least I hope so." Ryeowook let out a deep sigh , he  looked kind of bothered and  worried.

"I am going to go get something to eat , do you want anything ?" He added and stood up. I could tell he was only trying to avoid further continuing the conversation.

I shook my head , letting him know that I wasn't hungry right now. He smiled and left the room .

I sat there , trying to make sense of what Ryeowook had just told me . It felt like the more I found out about who Donghae was the stranger of a person he seemed . Just as I finally thought I was so close to having him completely open up to me , I realized that a major part of him was still a huge mystery.

"It's his life , he knows what he is doing .............. at least I hope so." Ryeowook's words kept circling in my head . What did he mean by that ? Ryeowook was such a close and trustworthy friend to Donghae and he didn't even know what is going on in Donghae's life?

I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the wall . After a few minutes I heard Ryeowook's voice.

"Here , I know you didn't want anything but I got you coffee . You have been here since early morning , I know you need it ."

"Thanks ." I sat up and took the cup from him.

I looked out the window as I drank the coffee , anxiously waiting for every second to pass by quickly so I could see Donghae's face again.

It was a dark and  cloudy day. The sun was nowhere to be seen and the wind was getting stronger , it looked like a thunder storm was on its way. People were rushing from all directions to quickly get to where they needed to before the rain came gushing in.

Finally an hour had passed and a short nurse with long curly dark brown hair came into the waiting room to let us know that we could see Donghae now. Ryeowook and I quickly got up and made our way to his room.

Ryeowook went straight in, to Donghae's side . I remained standing at the door . As soon as I saw his face , I froze . I couldn't move , I just stood there and stared at him.

His skin was the palest thing I have ever seen in my life , he looked so weak and unreal. It looked like all the life had been out of him. But none the less there was still a slight hint of smile on his dry lips as he looked up at Ryeowook through his half wakened eyes . He still hadn't made out what was going on , he blinked and rubbed his eyes to clear his vision. He was slowly gaining back his consciousness.

"Donghae ? How are you feeling ?" Ryeowook asked as he took his hand in between his and held it tightly.

Donghae didn't say anything and just lightly nodded .

Ryeowook continued asking him questions as he moved around the room to get something for Donghae . I zoned out and all I could see was him , laying there, so lifeless and frail. I felt my heart drop inside my chest as I continued looking at him.

"Hyukjae , what are you doing standing there ? Come in !" Ryeowook said as he noticed that I hadn't even taken a step inside the room yet.

I slowly walked in and I saw Donghae's eyes shift towards my direction across the room .

Our eyes met and we both froze. We looked at each other , unable to say or do anything.

Ryeowook was saying something but neither of us seemed to have heard him.

"Donghae ? Donghae ? Hyukjae ?" Ryeowook stopped what he was doing and looked over at Donghae then at me . I could tell he felt awkward suddenly , as he slowly walked over to Donghae again and placed something on the side table .

"Ummmm...... guys ? Is everything ok ?" He asked sounding more concerned than uncomfortable  by our sudden behavior.

"Oh ! Yeah ....... thanks Ryeowook !" Donghae quickly averted his eyes from mine when he realized that Ryeowook was right beside him now.

I sat on the sofa across the bed and  said nothing and just let Ryeowook have his turn.

After fifteen minutes Ryeowook announced that he had to leave cause his classes began in half an hour , he asked Donghae to call him if he needed anything and patted my shoulder on his way out of the room . Leaving us two alone.

I got up and walked over to him. He slowly turned to look at me . Once again our gaze remained glued in silence.

Outside the window I could hear the thunder and lighting , rain drops began to slide down the glass window.

"How are you ?" Finally the words escaped from my lips in a soft whisper . He didn't say anything but just smiled.

I felt myself gasp from his angelic soft features . I had never seen anything so stunning in my entire life . I felt so out of place, shivers ran through my body as I gazed at the mesmerizing sight in front of me .

Without even realizing it , I walked closer to him and placed my hand on top of his.

For some reason it felt like I was meeting him for the first time. It was strange. Everything about him was so different ........ yet I knew nothing had changed .

He patted the empty space beside him , motioning me to come sit down .

I automatically sat down beside him, not letting go of his hand.

He smiled brighter , it made me smile as well.

As odd as it seemed , we just stayed like that for the longest time. Not another word was spoken after that and oddly enough neither of us made the attempt to say anything either. There was no need for words right now , just having him in front of my eyes put my heart and mind at ease.

The rain grew heavier and hit the glass window with more and more force but the sound of the water was so  soothing that Donghae closed his eyes and I could tell he was listening to the rain fall . He hadn't been outside in many days .

I watched him as he slowly dozed off into sleep , I didn't try to wake him up cause I knew rest was what he needed .

Our hands remained resting in each other's and I as well at some point  slowly drifted off into a sweet peaceful sleep....... after many nights of restlessness.

(Donghae POV)

I was woken by the sound of thunder and the battering of rain on the window. I couldn't feel my body , everything felt numb but the medication had worn off and I didn't feel drossy anymore.

I tried to move around but suddenly felt my hand locked in place . I looked down to my side and realized that Hyukjae was sleeping beside my legs .

He looked so peaceful and was still holding onto my hand . I couldn't help but smile at the sight of him sleeping like that , he seemed lost in his own world.

I examined his facial features and for the first time I noticed how attractive he really was.

His skin was clear and soft , his defined jaw line gave him that extra masculine appearance and his nose was of the perfect shape and size . There was really nothing odd looking about him.

His shoulders were broad and his biceps and arms were built, just by looking at him , one could tell that he worked out a lot and maintained  his body very well. His waist was skinny , a little too skinny for his broad upper body but for some reason it suited him. I watched our hands as they remained sealed , my hands was smaller compared to his,  my whole body was smaller compared to his.  His arms could make anyone feel safe and protected . I laid there and continued observing him.

Sudden flash backs came rushing to mind as I watched him .

Siwon would lay his head on my lap and fall asleep , while I sat and read a book. Every now and then I would run my fingers through his soft dark brown hair and admire his flawless features. Too distracted by his existence , I would finally give up after reading the same sentence over and over again and put the book down and just stare at his perfection as he slept soundly and I would hear his heart slow down and beat fast again as he inhaled and exhaled at a steady rhythmic pace .

I was lucky to have him............... even if it was just for a little while. Regardless of everything , I missed him more and more everyday . I wanted him here right now with me . I wanted him to hold me in his arms and tell me that he  ....... loved me once again.

I snapped out of my deep thoughts when I heard Hyukjae moving around and slowly opening his eyes and realizing his surrounding.

"You're awake ? Why didn't you wake me up ?" He asked quickly sitting up.

"I didn't want to , you looked like you really needed rest. " I told him and smiled.

He ran his fingers through his hair trying to get them out of his face and stretched.

He looked at me and I could tell he was about to ask me something. I waited for him to speak but he didn't and I didn't encourage him cause I was afraid of what he might say.

It was evening now and the rain was still coming down hard. Hyukjae brought sandwiches and juice from the hospital cafeteria and we both sat on the bed and ate it . We talked about different things but nothing too personal or sensitive, just small talk. I found myself laughing and joking with him ....... something I hadn't done in a very long time . I felt relaxed and at ease for once. I was lucky to have him here with me right now. But there was still this sense of bareness in his words, there was something he was trying his best to avoid from bringing up....... for now.

[2 days later]

(Hyukjae POV)

I came home after finishing classes for the day . I was exhausted , it had been  a long day . I finally got around to visiting Sungmin after his return from Taiwan and spent the rest of the evening with Donghae , he was finally going to be coming home from the hospital tomorrow.

It was almost 12:00 pm now , I had stayed with Donghae till the very last second of the visiting hours . I went upstairs to my room. As I reached the last step I heard dad's voice getting louder and louder . His bedroom door was half open and I realized that he was shouting . I heard mom's soft voice trying to calm him down.

It wasn't often that dad raised his voice like this or even showed his anger . I felt my heart beat faster and I swallowed hard as I slowly made out what he was saying.

"He already ruined his life ! I won't let Sora ruin her future as well ! You encourage them to do these kinds of useless things , why can't you encourage them to do something useful with their lives ? He is a dancer and now what , huh ? She is deciding to become an artist ? Do you know how much shame this puts me at ?" Dad's voice grew stronger and my body froze  from the sudden fright.

"Honey , it's their lives , they can decide what they want for themselves . They are bright children and I know they will be successful in whatever they do!" Mom said, she was too soft hearted to yell or argue back.

"Be successful ? In what ? Both of my brother's children are on their way to becoming doctors , lawyers or starting their own businesses and what are my children doing ? Dancing? Drawing ? Do you know how embarrassing it is to meet face to face with people and tell them that ? Sora is going to pursue a career as a doctor and no one says otherwise ! Do you understand ?" He  shouted louder .

"Dear , she is still  finishing up high school please don't put that kind of pressure on her !" Mom pleaded.

"That's exactly why you should start engraving in her mind, the fact that  there is no other successful career other than becoming a doctor , do you understand ? I should have taken matters into my own hands earlier when I knew Hyukjae was thinking of majoring in Dance ! But I won't let my only daughter ruin her future ! Don't you dare encourage her with her art classes ! End it right here, before other thoughts start to run wild in her head !" Dad shouted one last time and I heard the washroom door slam shut . The conversation was over.

I managed to drag myself to my room and quietly closed the door behind me. I leaned back against it and slowly slid down burying my face in between my knees .

I was relieved that Sora wasn't home tonight , she was on some field trip with her art class for a couple of days. She would have been torn if she had heard or seen dad in this state . I loved her so much and couldn't bear to see her getting hurt like this.

My heart felt heavy . Dads loud words kept ringing in my ears.

He thinks I ruined my life ? Does he really have no faith in me ? Does he really think that I will not become anything ? Does he really feel ashamed when talking about me ? Have I let him down that badly ? Has he given up on me ?

I felt my head spin as I sat there in the pitch dark room with my face in between my knees .

Right now I felt like the worst person on earth . I felt so useless and needless. I felt guilty  for making dad feel embarrassed in front of others. I have always known that he wasn't the most pleased with me but .............. I never realized it was to this extent....... that he felt ashamed of calling me his son.

Nothing seemed to matter anymore . All the dance trophies and awards that sat on the bookshelf in front of me were all pointless.......  meaningless .When my own father didn't think they were of any use ........... how could I ? My heart felt ripped apart. 

That night I promised myself that this was the last time dad would ever feel disappointed in me . I would become successful and show him that I have done something useful with my life, that I have made something out of myself , that he can be proud of. I wanted dad to accept me , I wanted to regain his love and trust , that I had completely lost .

I wasn't going to let him feel humiliated about having me as a son any longer . I promised myself that.