Bedtime Story

by LovesCrown

Title and Description - 11/15

I liked the title. It gave an accurate impression that this story was going to have a cutsy cozy theme.

One issue that I saw come up in the forward was mixing ‘have’ and ‘has’ and ‘were’ and ‘was.’ I would make some changes to the forward so it tells the readers about V.

Plot - 14/20

I actually much prefer the main plot to the plot within the bedtime story. I think you have set up a really good foundation for the plot, now you just have to add some conflict and emotion to create some drama.

Characters - 14/20

The characters were likable, though maybe not deep. Adding more insight into their emotions would help deepen our connection to them.

V and Noona’s relationship was really sweet and pleasurable to read.

Pace and Flow - 9/15

The pace was a little slow. You opened up with a major emotional twister, the Leukemia, but it took a long time to see any conflict after that. One thing that you can do to make sure that you always have a good amount of conflict in your story is, at the beginning of the chapter think of what the characters goal for that chapter is and then put an obstacle in their way of achieving the goal.

Grammar, Spelling and Structure - 5/15

There weren’t too many errors in spelling, but the grammar did have it’s issues. You have a habit of putting commas at the end of dialogue when it’s not necessary i.e.

“You may start now. ",V replied

The period is all the punctuation that you need for this, so it should look like this:

“You may start now." V replied

There also should not be a space between the period and the quotation mark, but there should always be a space between a comma or a period and the beginning of a word.

Separating different pieces of dialogue onto different lines is also a way to help the readers eye follow the speakers better. i.e. "You're so cute, young bro.",Hyeri said while helping V with his cereal. Hyeri fed him until the bowl was clean."Noona,can you continue that story ?"

would be written as:

"You're so cute, young bro." Hyeri said while helping V with his cereal. Hyeri fed him until the bowl was clean.

"Noona,can you continue that story?" V asked nicely.

Can you see how this just gives a cleaner appearance and helps us to separate what is going on? I found the dialogue quite difficult to read so making these changes would really improve that.

I didn’t like the boxes at first, but it was a good way to separate the story within the story from the rest of the text, so I’ll let you do your thing there.

Overall enjoyability - 8/15

I  was really interested in the story between V and his sister, but I found the other plot line a little dull. Some changes to the grammar and formatting will really help increase the enjoyability of the story by making it easier to read. This story has a lot of emotional promise and I hope you continue writing.

Total Score - 61/100