Night fell. I walked the dark road downhill, passed seventeen blocks, four crossroads, a little of sore wind and countless strangers. Each step took me away from you and I was so dazed to even realize. In instance, hot blood got the best of me with the feeling of being deceived and abandoned. Beyond the right and wrong, all I wanted was just to get rid of you for some time. You had never been so cruel to me. You had never pushed me this far.

Fuming, but I doubted myself right when the door shut behind my back. Running down the stairs, I wished to have never dashed out that flat. I stopped and waited for a while under our windows, the one that you never closed, hoped to see you there, gazing at me so that I could get back in lightning speed.

You didn't showed up. Right there, I felt at loss.

What happened to us, Amber? Where are the brave me and the insecure you? I hardly recognized us. Seemed like we switched roles. Now that I am the coward who lost belief in everlasting love and you are the fearless heroine. I knew once I walked out that door, it wouldn't be easy to get back. Unexpectedly I had to hurt you this time. Believe me; I hurt myself as much as you. I'm sorry but our extreme efforts to keep love burning, I couldn't let them be vain.

The old route led me from our place to my former place. Frankly, I had no other place to go. Somehow, my closest buddies were all yours now. Tao still lived alone after I moved to our place but he didn't home today, probably out for the night practice. I broke into the room with the spare key he always kept under the rose pot. That night, Tao could have told you how a mess I was.

The morning after, hiding at the end of small alley to the left of our block, I watched you walked toward the nearby bus stop. Covering almost half of your face with a thick scarf and reading glasses, you still couldn't hide that swollen eyes. Guilt itched inside my ribcage. I bet you cried, and just like me, couldn't sleep probably.

Only after seeing you getting into the bus did I leave the hiding corner and get into our flat to collect my cellphone which I forgot to take. It was nowhere to be found in the apartment then, you surely took it with you. Finally I gave up and picked some more books and clothes.

Opening the wardrobe and a knitting sweater caught my eyes, the burgundy red one had the same color with the scarf I saw you wore today. Unknowingly I smiled, remembering the day you happily came home and showed me the two items that were a little neuter, color matching and fit both of us. You never exactly like couple items, the type of couple shirts with same prints or colors. "Only make us a ridiculous twins.” you said. Couple items, in your language is in a day, you go out in one of my shirt and I wear your cap, or my shoes has your bag's color, or simply a coat that we both can put on.

Like that, we match randomly but deliberately, we voicelessly declare our romance relationship. And maybe because of that, Min once commented, "You guys has that sparkling aura of people in love with each other, which even a stranger can tell only by seeing the way you guys walking down the street." Needless to say why I was grinning like an idiot all that day.

I changed to that sweater and felt a little warmer. We matched even in the day we had a fight.

The phone was sent to me when Tao got home from class. I cursed that blabber mouth. Within a day he had managed to pass the information to you. "Jie will worry if she doesn't know where you are." He said. You guys were pretty close, surprising to see.

I had repeated the same routine for the fifth time, watched you going to campus in the early morning, back to the whatever I was working at on my thesis, then walked to my corner again, looked at the light through your windows to see if you had come back home from your days, waited for the light went off and left. Craving for you, I wanted to at least see your face when the days began and rested. With that I kept track of time. Those days, I didn't even differ from days and nights.

Nothing cracked on your face could tell the world that you were sad and shaky. You were still you, the graceful princess who never put down your invisible lavish crown. I couldn't get why I saw you that way. In a noisy crowd, you looked a bit lost and lonely. You were even more fragile than the times I looked at you from behind when alone you watched the sunset. I refrained myself hard from running to you. I missed you a lot.

You hadn't called or texted and neither had I, which meant you had yet to change your mind and I had yet to accept this fact. You were keeping yourself sober to seriously think, didn't even drop by Yuu's to drink away your sorrow like an old habit of you. I wavered. Did I really lose to your solid determination? Each day, as I stared at the phone's screen, my hope and courage died a little more. I embraced myself for the worst happening, that I couldn't hold you.

Tao called me insane and it was truth. Thing I needed to do, simply was coming back and having another talk to you which I couldn't manage to do. The mission got more and more difficult as days went by. We had never been mad at each other for so long.

On the afternoon of the sixth day, here came your knights. Sehun and Luhan arrived in a thick air. Both looked a little tensed and awkward.

"Did Amber tell you guys?"

I doubted. In fact, I didn't see you talk about us to anybody else so frequently. Even if you did, only the beautiful part was revealed.

"Umma never tells. Tao comes to the same For-ex trading class with me."

The Korean bassist, your adopted son, corrected my assumption. Apparently that Panda guy couldn't stand my insanity anymore.

"You looked so awful, Kris. Back from Wild Island or something? What happened?"

As expected, Luhan was the nicest of them all. Sehun held a cold scary look on his sharp face as if he going to chew my head off. Now I got why you treated this ill-mannered brat so nicely. Regardless of whomever at fault, he only picked your side. Fortunately, your BFF Beakhuyn and Chanyeol didn't come because if they did, at least I needed my fellows Minho and the Tasty twins joining force to defense.

I told them the whole story which you probably didn't like me to. It was painful even to think of the whole ordeal again and point out the threats for our relationship. I felt stingy heat on my eyelids which I batted furiously to relieve or I would embarrass myself again.

Luhan exchanged a comprehensive look with me under the furrowing eyebrows while Sehun cocked his head to my side, mocking me with disgust and fierceness filling his gaze and tone.

"Well, now that you're realizing that you need her and afraid to live without her, aren't you? It's a little bit late, Kris. Do you get why she isn’t scared of being away from you? Because she has already got used to it."

"What the hell are you talking about? "

I growled. This part was a little difficult for me to understand. Rage tided up my chest. There was no way an outsider like Sehun knew something about us better than I did. Sadly I underrated him.

"You don't know,don't you?  Then let me ask you. How about your summer and winter training camps? How about the time you off for your tournament, or when you flied home the whole holidays? And have you ever taken your girlfriend on a traveling vacation like other boys in college do, like she always wishes? Or you're too busy to be a self-centered boyfriend to even care?"

Blood rapidly ran inside the veins on my temple. The said activities accumulatively made up almost one third of all the time we shared. And a piercing idea flashed in my mind about a hint of reason you refused to move in with me.

Sehun closed his eyes, inhaled a long breath and stood up, trying to be calm.

"Take a looked at yourself. You must have known better than anyone of us the reasons why no matter how long the holidays is, Umma always comes back here within less than a week.  While you, her boyfriend, have never showed up before the last days, so busy with whatever of your own related. If you think that she's alright with that, then you're probably wrong, bro. And if you think that you're a good boyfriend, well, you never are. You don't even reach the basic level, that's respecting her privacy and rooting for whatever she does.""

His words drip into me like a kind of hard acid, eroded my rusty halo on you. Then I did like he asked, I took a look at myself.

All I could see was you, all alone in the summer rains, in the falling snowflakes, in the vacant town where other people departed for their vacation, in your bed room with the wide openning windows. I wondered what you were thinking then.

In the emails and phone calls we exchanged during breaks and training camps, besides the mostly "I love you", "I miss you", the songs you had newly composed when I asked what you were doing, someday I heard you cried. I was a little nervous but you never told me why and I was, like he said, too busy with whatever of my own related to ask further. You only informed that you had come back here  several days earlier than me for the band's practice. If I had cared a little more then, I wouldn't have been so shameful today for asking too much from you while I never gave enough.

Luhan finally escaped from his brainstorming. The playful guy never talked carelessly. His doe eyes moved from the younger guy who was walking small circle in impatience to the immovable me sitting on the couch, massaging my temple in the sudden killing headache.

"Sehun, sit back here. This is none of your business. And Kris, Sehun may be a little protective about Amber doesn't mean everything he said isn't evident. Think about it. "

Luhan stood up and took the seat next to me. He squeezed my shoulder as remarked.

"I'm friend with you both so I'm not taking side here. It's normal to scare of losing your girlfriend, especially the girl we're talking about is Amber. But this is her own life we're talking about in which whatever she decides, is sheer hers and she will be responsible for. There's a border of what you can and can't interfere in. I know this is a hard time for you, but a wise man knows his limit, Kris. And if you're upset, I bet she is, too. It's even harder for her because she's the one who has to choose... You may not notice, but this way, you've already left her side.”

And he encouraged me with a smile while I was still speechless and only could nod at what he had said. The domination inside of me still went on, but it was a little lighter at the end. I guess sometimes when we are in a mess of ourselves, some advices from good friends nail. They knew us more than we expected.

"Let's go, Sehun. Leave him alone for some time. And Kris, make sure you'll find her as soon as finishing your thinking. And do not think for too long."

Luhan waved his goodbye while Sehun left without a word. Though, at the door, he stopped and shouted back.

"Hey! I saw Umma at the library an hour ago. This is the last time I help you. Go get her or I'll find her another boyfriend."

And then they left before I could shout "Thanks!" back.

Couldn't waste another minute, I hopped on the first bus taking to the campus and ran to the location your beloved son had pinpointed. Only to find you there, as always, at your favorite corner. However, this time you left the book while glanced to the far end of horizon.

I stabilized my breath and came take a seat beside you, reached my right hand to hold your left one. You looked up to me where our eyes met, and you understand everything I was about to say. You read me like an open book.

"We'll be fine, trust me."

You said as holding my hand very tightly and I knew we would.

We promised to never say "I miss you." to each other again, because "miss" was a multi meanings word. In another definition, we walked passed and lost us. We don't miss, we just think about each other.

I permitted myself to think about you four times per day. Once when waking up, once in afternoon, once in evening and once before sleeping, no more than an hour each. A little extra when being  drunk and tired was also allowed. No more, no less, to keep me sane.

"Goodbye, Amber."
"See you, Yifan. I'll think of you. A lot."

"It is dreadful how I miss you, and everything that everybody says seems flat and stupid. - Vita Sackville-West, from a letter to ia Woolf dated January 29, 1927"

Dear Baobei,

How are you today? I hope you get better. Early this morning, you felt unwell and Ma was really hurt and scared. 

Your Pa was freaked out, too. When he drove us to the hospital, I saw his hands slightly shook which doesn't usually happens for a capable and clever man like him. Don't worry, Pa was just a little inexperienced this time and he managed to safely reach to the nearest hospital within ten minutes. He said maybe we should move to an apartment next to the hospital in stead of the house with garden we are going to move in next month.  Pa's a little overreacted, isn't he? Ma believes he'll handle well next time.

The time before the doctor came out with the testing result was hell on earth. Sweetheart, parenthood is really hard, I have to say. They said nothing dangerous happened to you and I felt like being lifted out from a pool of water that suppressed me. Thanks God, you're fine.

Though, Papa's a little anxious with you and my morning sickness. He will take a week off so that he can stay home with us and we will spend some time together. We'll see what to do. Do you want some fresh air?

Today we can also see your face for the first time. You are gorgeous, the most gorgeous creature I've ever seen. Pa said you have my nose. Do you? I only see his lips on your little angelic face.

I don't even remember how I was living before we met. With only seventeen weeks and three days with you, I learn so many things.

Before you come to this world, nothing in my life is so extreme comparing to you. Love, happiness, fear, eagerness, weariness, power, connection… Everything I feel for you is extreme. And those extremeness varies each day when you grow a little and a little. Yes, nothing can ever compare to you.

I'm so proud of you, love. Ma still remembers the first day I heard from the doctor about you. You were still a little dot in the ultrasound video but your heart had already powerful pounded. You are invincible. You know it, right?  

Ma came home a little late on that day and saw your Pa had already set up the table with candles, flowers and dishes. The next minutes, he proposed me to be his legal wife. Teardrops fell on me twice in the same day, all for happiness. Lovely how you two together made February 27th unforgettable. I took the chance and told him about you. You made your six foot height dad screamed like a teenage girl and cried a little.

You're inside of me and this life is full of light. I write songs for you and we'll be singing them for you every single day. 

You mean a lot. You come to this world as a gift of love. Pa and Ma have walked a long road, to finally have you. Almost ten years I remember. People made fun of us for the time we waited for each other. Althought there are some points that we almost gave up on each other, we didn't. Like the time Pa was in New York and Ma was in Boston and love just simply faded in each of us, or like the time when we both struggled with our jobs and got mad with everything on the way.

This was troublesome but right when I or your Pa was about to let go, then your Pa would be on my door step with a bunch of lily, or Ma would jump on a flight a surprise him in the morning, or he would ask me to his company's party and showed me to the world as his girlfriend and fiancée - to be.  Thinking of the days we had spent and the days like today in the future gave me strength to carry on. Your Pa is hard to let go. It's easy, and it's hard, but somehow growing old with him feels fine. You complete us and I know everything I  did is right.

We'll have almost five months to go. Let's try togehter. I can't wait for the day you say "Hi!' to the Sun and we'll have you in your Pa's and Ma's wedding. See you this winter and sleep tight, my dear Baobei!

                                                                                                                                                  With love,

                                                                                                                                             Your Ma, Amber

A/N: So here we are on the last chapter of Burning love. Special thanks to --feng, becauseimstupid, ajol_fxonee and Amyhaneul143 for giving such deep thinking about Amber and Yifan. Thanks those who read and subcibed the story. I guess there's some points in life that we all have to go throught things that Amber and Yifan had to. I wish you love and strength. Love you! ^^