Moment stretched in flashback of the days they shared together when Amber asked him about the near future he refused to confront.  Despite of all the steps taking toward each other and then they were so close, suddenly, invisible gap expanded in a thousand miles in between.

Never did he acknowledge unstableness more clearly. Never did Amber appear so distant.

The twist of their relationship was right outside the door, knocking and demanding him to step out.

Yifan had thought about it for many times. Soon, it would be his turn to step out, to the real world of adult in which petals and feathers were not as much as that in his innocent dreams. He felt a mixture of expectation and anxiety.

A new vision of suits, paper desk, office and building replaced the one with him on the court being a sport player which was, indeed quite bitter. Yifan  was getting used to the new concept of his life. It was a whole world different, he prepared himself for that.

Then, the problem he concerned was not whether he could find the expected job, or whether he could survive out there or not. The academic thesis he worked on was an in-depth one as the guiding teacher had commented. Not so impressive but his grades were much higher than necessary to keep him from being kicked out of the team due to grade illness like some fellow teammates. Hence, their collage was an elite name.

With all of these advantages, a well paid job at somewhere which was huge and promising, somewhere money run in circles, somewhere risk and madness took one's last breath away, was not so out of reach. It was that somewhere definitely not this small town where Amber never left before her graduation which she insisted on taking for her parents' will.

In whatever pictures he saw himself in the five, ten of even thirty years on going, Amber was never absent. He just couldn't see the same thing in the next two years.

Amber. Amber was all that matters.

Amber definitely would never use that law degree in her life again. Professional musician is her long and serious plan.

Saving all the income she collected from performing with ZED for a future short song composing course in Berklee Boston, Amber would polish her skills and seek for a chance later in New York, the dream land of postmodern artists, the American creative capital. It meant two years separating for them if he managed to be accepted to the consultant position in some certain advisory firms, also in her final destination, New York.

Yifan never offends her being a songwriter. Without much of a taste, he still finds her songs amazing which are heavily influenced from some British rock bands she's admired ever since being a kid. Some of them are very hard to understand with complicated arrangements and emotions, some has haunted choruses and some are just simply emotional. Though, listening to her song is totally an interesting experience which likes hiding in a secret place and looking outside, to the world where everything she portrayes has its both realistic and symbolic sides, is so close but you can't touch it. And her lyrics, her poetic lyrics fall beautifully between melodies just like dreams and raindrops in a lazy afternoon falling asleep in her embrace.

He is not talking biased because Chanyeol the expert praised over and over about her gift. The Indie vibe in her songs is somewhat standing out comparing to the current US mainstream. Also had dropped out from collage in the seventh semester, Chanyeol was now working with Amber for some demo songs which would be sent to various recording labels. She acknowledged very clearly the uneven road and multiple barriers, where sometimes, not only efforts but also a little bit luck did she need to walk through. Finding happiness in making music is a fairytale, but earning a living with it and flaunting a name in the industry are also the ungranted wish of countless musicians out there who are just talented as Amber is. Thus, everything was just the warm up as she would not start to run before her graduation.

Yifan could see from here that after he left, her small circle divided into separated paths. ZED broke into half as Luhan would graduate, Amber and Beakhuyn - the vocalist threw themselves into the insane wheel of last year at college. They left the vacancies that Sehun and Chanyeol believed nobody could ever be able to fill up again.

ZED isn't simply just a band. It supports the persons they become. It's the fancy, vivid memories of their young days, the genie who grants every wish they shouted to the world.

As for Amber and Yifan, it is where they found each other. ZED changed each of them in different ways but at the same time, created the same effect for all of them. A deep bond, a friendship which would have been incomplete without just one of them.

ZED forever is the ZED with the last five members. Chanyeol told Mr Shou to find another band to take charge of their shifts two weeks after the winter break. ZED had an unforgettable farewell showcase at Yuu's with all of their loyal fans and friends.

The night was rather messy when Beakhuyn was too emotional to finish the last song's second chorus. Chanyeol followed up and eventually, even Sehun, the infamous poker face bassist cried. Amber, thanked to the huge set of drums, drew no attention from the audience that she was silently crying along, even before the last song was voiced. 

Yifan once thought it was lucky that right after the disband, multiple classes, assignments, internship and case studies prevented Amber from remembering she was once a ZED drummer. Unfortunately, it wasn't that what she felt.

He saw her coming back home one day when the sun had rested, closed her eyes, sat still and let their old songs fill up the space. Taking her into his arms, her tight embrace told Yifan how much she missed ZED and Yuu's. He missed them, too. Maybe a half as much as Amber did. The said things lifted up her dream to be honest. 

And as Amber had postponed some papers the last semester to take care of him, it would cost her as twice as  normal effort to graduate on the next spring as her expectation. It isn’t gum to chew. He just didn't see the point in withstanding all these hardness. Was it really unavoidable to postpone her career for a whole year, a hard one to be specified, just for something meaningless like a spare degree? How long their young days could last to be wasted? Yet again, her brain functioned in its own manner which was so hard for Yifan to understand right. This time, he would like to ask, but still, he knew her all along.

"What does Ma say about the divorce thing? Does she tell you anything?" Still lost in his train of thought, Yifan asked.

"Nah, it will take a little time. I guess they're like old friends now but the idea of breaking up is a little ... strange for both of them. It's been years living together."

Amber actually flinched a little bit. Yifan didn't really say much when she told him earlier about her conversation with Ma. In fact, he just nodded in his own thought and Amber saw doubtful disappointment in his body language.
 
"I'm asking about your education. Did she give you any advice when you tell her you just get the degree for them to be divorce? Like you must not get it?"

"Yifan, it didn't only for their divorce and my plan is fixed. Can we proceed to yours please?"

Amber said, almost concealed her impatience perfectly and left the bed to turn on the light. When the small space was filled up with the pale yellow light, she got a couple cups of Americano from the coffeemaker for the both of them.

That is it, like many times before when she denied him. The soft smoky tone doesn't change a bit but she really means everything she says. He could image how much troublesome her Pa and Ma had encountered to raise their daughter. Because whenever it comes to decision making and Amber tells something she would or wouldn't do, doesn't mean she is asking for any kind of advice or approval. They're all confirmed information. No point arguing.

Rational things aside, honestly Yifan was scared, for both of them. The injury had gone, so did his courage. Things left of him were only multiple cracks and Amber. For some of them, three years pass by without a trace but for Yifan, it is the time he would long for  until the end of time. With Amber altogether and the last three years, either up to heaven or down to hell, is the most beautiful and meaningful days in this whole life time. 

Amber never knew how enormous of the part inside of him had she overwhelmed. Neither had she knew how much he needed her help to be fully fixed and healed. 

And as for Amber, she definitely would manage to seek her target anyhow but it hurt him to foresee the days he and her dearest friends would be longer here for her. On the days she is tired, the days she gets under the weather or just typical bad days when she only needs someone to ask her how her bad her day had been.

He knew her all along. Brave Amber indeed has her vulnerability deeply under-wrapped. This is not fresh. Everybody has it inside of them, even Yifan himself. Though, when they have each other, two is better than one. Nothing. Nothing seemed to be so significant excepted for being apart.  

The following two years remained a mysterious insecurity when he filled up a list of countless things would possibly happen and lead to the ending of forever going parallel roads. Didn't she need him anymore? Didn't she feel the way he felt? What if she would never come to his place again?

"Ber, will you still be alright if I have to leave here without you?"

Taking a sip of the dark brown beverage, he put the cup on the side table and grabbed Amber into his arms again, so that he could hold her from behind and she leaned on his chest, let the sound of his heart amplified into hers.

Yifan believed their bodies were made for each other. Her height, comparing to the approximate six foot boyfriend, is just enough for her to hear his heart beats each time they hug, for him to leaned a little to kiss her lips. The width of her shoulders perfectly fits for his amr to hold. The side of her upper body is measured as a round of his embrace. When she walks gracefully beside him with her pair of long legs, only he knows how damn sinful they are underneath those tight jeans.

In short, his girlfriend is nowhere near the definitions of a petite, or twiggy girl. Though, it is very odd that some certain parts of her body, like ankles, wrists, neck or hands is so thin and fragile. Sometimes he even has a fear that if he is to hold her a bit tighter, she will break into pieces and smoke. And for that fear, the tall and lanky girl she is, at times looks very small, even smaller when she rested her forehead on the corner of his neck, looked outside the darkenning sky and whispered.   

"No, I won't. Definitely won't."

She swirled the cup slowly as her mind sank deeper into warmth and safety. She cherished it even more, because the warmth and safety were temporary. She knew it all too well. The night before the storm is always so peaceful but the days after are hard to predict.

She was  risking their relationship for a certain decision. For the first time ever, she acknowledged the pain of risking an important thing to accomplish another. Yifan wasn't happy with it, she saw it and she was afraid, too.

Emotional fear formed into physical ache everytime she thought about the days she spent here and he was in another place, cities apart, both were alone and desperately missing each other. The ache grew more badly and suffocated her when it proceeded to the picture of still them, cities apart, both were alone and devastated, to the point that they were gradually no longer missing each other. 

Who wouldn't be so afraid in this situation? Like people said, out of sight, out of mind. Ordinary couples can’t make it. Though, to this point, she believed her and Yifan were extraordinary. However, as time went by, everything would change, including the both of them. Amber couldn't be so sure either about the persons they would became when distance and time were so wide in between or if they could be strong enough to keep this candle lightning. 

Once you lose someone, it’s never exactly the same person who comes back. -Sharon Olds,  Satan Says

And Yifan, what could she do with Yifan? Yifan would never think this step was a wise move. It wasn't right to say she sacrificed Yifan and their relationship for herself, but it wasn't wrong either. He picked her up from herself, but even before he did, Pa's and Ma's blood had kept her alive.

For another time, she was surprised at herself of how much she inherited from her parents, even the parts that once she hated about them, putting self-pride at a very high priority which was, clearly the family's tradition.  Her future as an artist was not something so guaranteed. If she couldn't make it to be her living career, she would completely be a loser. If it's the case, she will be even a more pathetic one comparing to the failure of the family who never takes their love into its appropriate consideration or lives up to their expectations like the way she has seen herself for all these years.

The only thing she had made her parents proud was getting accepted to the high ranking university and staying here without making a fuss almost for the entire course. So what was the point of screwing everything up?

Amber knew very well the social span that her Pa and Ma a living in, where intellectual couples only make friends with same class fellows, where not only how much they earnes, how famous and successful their career are , but children's achivements are also the parents' shame and glory. This is not her life. Amber has her own happiness to pursue. It's just no use to push her parents into another predicament after Zoe's death and her rebel when she was young. At least, she had to do something for Pa and Ma to live a little easier, also for her to have a step back if her dream ceases to be. 

Like many times before when she followed her heart to love Yifan, or letting him moving in without thinking twice, Amber couldn't be so sure if the choice she made was right. It would lead to difficulties, pains and debating between them, she knew it. But despite of everything, she only felt the urge to determine it, pray that she made the right choice again. Though, her heart had already run a wrong beat upon hearing the deep crack on his voice.

 
"So how come you think I will be? " And Yifan took in a difficult breath.

"What can we do, Yifan? I have goals to achieve, and so do you. We just can't stick with each other and both fail like a sinking ship." 

Turning back to face Yifan, she grabbed the border of his arms  and looked up to catch his eyes, where pain and disagreement flashed.

"Please understand! Don't you see I never do anything for them as a daughter? I don't even know if I can be successful with music or not. What if I give up my education and eventually nobody buys my songs, Yifan, this is the end of me and forever I will be a shameful, careless and selfish daughter. And for God's sake, unlike you and your scholarship, they've spent real money on my education, thousands dollars to be exact. I just can't screw it up and do whatever I want. How come I live like that."  

Taking quite a time, he thought about what she had said. Something was stingy inside his stomach upon distinguishing the alarm she delivered by desperately explaining and pleading him, which definitely isn't  something she often does.

Although he understood everything she said, even she was right all about them, she still had to see the issue in different points of view. Yifan let the plans to minimize the time being apart running back and forth his mind before rearranging his words. This time, by every means, he had to make her consider his opinions.

"Amber, think about it again. Isn't your happy living is enough for them? While you never want to be a lawyer, must you get that law degree? And if you really care, don't you see it's already late for beginning a career in music industry, much less one or two years later? Let me tell you, indeed, you've already wasted three years. It's time for you to be more focus on achieving your true dream."

Yifan inched a bit further from her and said in a fast pace, like if he couldn't say it now, never again he could. Amber ceased her eyebrows and even blind persons could figure out the tense atmosphere fogging up in the room. He lost his normal calmness and felt a drip of cold sweat ran down his back. Persuading Amber is the art that Yifan has yet to master

"And us, Amber? How about us? Living together isn't hard enough to protect our love, now you want us to be apart? It is a whole different story. Aren't you scared, that we will ... “

It was right on the tip of his tongue, but "break up" was too much of a sharp word to say out loud.  Like an unsounded promise, a fear for Deja vu , neither of them had ever mentioned it in whatever conversations between them, even the wildest ones.

"... You know what? It will be tough and I think we don't need to try. If  you drop out from this year and go straight to Berklee, I'll find a job in Boston and after you wrap up the course, we'll move to New York. Even if I can't get to Boston, we only have one year to get over. We are unseparable, aren't we?." 

Amber blinked furiously and swallowed hard her disbelief. Always leaving a space for her privacy, Yifan had never been so strongly and straightforwardly against anything she had done before. But this time, when love, family and career wrecked her inside out, he even made it tougher. This time, it was a little too much for her to beat. If he didn't want them went separate way, did she? It broke her heart again and again in deciding, too.

 In fact, she did think from every side, her and his. How come she didn't know that she had already late? How come she didn't think about him and their relationship? But as they both know, life doesn't take their side forever. Every now and then, it twists and turns, it burns, and challenges them in many ways possible. Either they choose it right or wrong, either it is painful or heartbreaking, whatever needs to be done, should be done. 

Pursing her lips tight, she couldn't even look into his face while trying to hold back her tears. She delivered the answer, in which each of her word pushed Yifan further and further. 

"Yifan, I'm sorry. Wait for me, please. I have no other choice. " 

“Nothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I’d like to see you be or do. I have no desire to forsee you, only to discover you. You can’t disappoint me” ― Mary Haskell

Eventually, she shoved him off the cliff and he saw himself freely falling. It hurt a lot, to the point the he numbed and paralyzed. Yifan couldn't believe this was the Amber he had loved beforehand. 

Swiftly standing up and walked out of the bed, Yifan collected his stuffs, random books, laptop and whatever he didn't even care before violently cramming them into his backpack. Hands shivered in absolute anger and denial. Eventually he slipped into his jeans and a black thick coat whilst Amber still sat in her bed, hugged her knees wearily and looked him rushed like a wind out of their place. When he had gone, something inside of her died out in vast interval without her being able to do anything. 

“I won't be home in several days. Take that time and think it over, Amber. Please, I'm begging you." 

Not even once looking back, he slammed the door shut. Amber saw herself collapsing on the blue sheet, where his peppermint shampoo scent was subtly lingering. Her tears silently flew, soaked the  fabric and stained it to a deeper shade, like a sea of sorrow the coldness in his voice left her with. 

A/n: Sorry for too much of things happening in their mind, I hope it won't be so distracting... I was about too finish the story before New Year but clearly I couldn't. But please wait a little more, it will be wrapped up in the next chapter :D Tks for reading, subscribing and voting, chingu ya [kiss and hug]