It was a week before November when Chanyeol cheerfully inform me about finally he found a newbie for his band. Lay, the former drummer who was to enter last year this semester said he should be more concentrating on his education.

To be honest, graduating from an university isn't something to joke about even when you are smart enough to be accepted to and survive throughout the course. Chanyeol found it inevitable and urged to scout another one before Lay sat down to prepare his thesis. The mission was tough since Lay had been playing for almost eight years and was too excellent to be an amateur drummer. Picky Chanyeol had been constantly whining from week to week about being unable to find a similar level alternation. His band - ZED was playing three nights per week for Yuu's, a small pub near campus which I worked as a part-time bartender for. Mr Shou, the owner, would not so happy to see his pub to be discontinuous from the band's performance.

Chanyeol wanted me to anticipate for the new drummer because he wasn't exaggerated this time. And it did really come to me as a wonder to see their so call new member turned out to be a girl when she came for her first performance with ZED.

Whoever a girl and playing drum well enough for Chanyeol's musical demands is epic I assume but this girl is another story. Her name is Amber Liu who radiates unapproachable fierceness on stage. In my birthday party after the shift, taking a seat across hers, I watched her in a closer distance and almost immediately, was drawn into some kind of mesmerizing.

This girl is an exceptional beauty. She doesn't match any definitions of beautiful girls ever appeared inside my wild imagination for the past decade being a hot - blooded teenager. Amber is just Amber. She made me fall head over heel foolishly, irrationally, irresistibly like being love for the first time. 

She looked almost like a boy with dark pixie haircut, black jeans and leather jacket. But somewhat in the way she moved made her typical rock chic outfit was simply ual appealing. In the dim light space, I observed in amusement the way she smirked, hands swirling a glass of Gin in a steady motion and quietly listening to a random story by Chanyeol before slowly gulping the whole liquor content. Then taking out a cigarette, she held it with slender fingers and hung it over her lips, lighted it up. As if knowing I was watching, she lazily flipping her fringe for a better view to a pair of dark almond-like eyes, and exhaled a thin layer of smoke. Working at a pub, not that I never see women smoking or drinking but every movement Amber made seemed like parts of seductive film for me.

She didn't flinch when catching me off guard lost in absolute infatuation gazing at her. Luminously, a grin glowed on her slightly chubby face, turning it to perfect V shape. I was frozen with the numerous of questions popped in my mind. Like how come a single smile could change her face in an extreme manner like this? Because a second ago, she had been a dark princess, then she smiled and turned out to be an angel falling from above. She wished me happy birthday, in a husky tone and I found myself firing up a need to have that voice calling out my name every single day.

"When I saw you, I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew." - Arrigo Boito

Chanyeol spent his next week being hyper about his new pot of gold who was only eighteen but could play drum and guitar and also write songs. I spent it getting to know Amber.

I saw her everywhere. I thought it was accidental to deny the fact that my eyes deliberately was searching for her sigh all the times. Some nights at Yuu's,  I met her at the bar. Before each times she performed on stage, gave her a glass of Gin and looked her talking girly nonsense with Min. Min is my coworker and her classmate, whom Chanyeol had to thanked for introducing Amber to. Less alone working time, I met her here at ZED's studio, discussing with Chanyeol about their new songs or challenging Luhan's- the keyboard player's - cubic solving record; there at a table near windows in campus' library, staying still for hours buried herself into a huge book without noticing I was on the opposite table and couldn't fully focus on my assignment. Coincident how I was friend to most of ZED's members, how we both went to the same old prestigious University's School of Law and Business, she majored in Law and I was a financial student, how I found her also building affection on me.

Amber gave me her number and let me drive her home on a Saturday night. We didn't talk much during thirty minutes along the road since I am never good at talking and was in some sort of anxiety. Seriously, who isn't so clumsy in front of the girl he has a crush on? I wanted to keep my cool image, so I pretended to be all comfortable about her presence in the same vicinity while in fact I wasn't. Though, despite of being a reticent young lady, she managed to exchange several stories with me, a little about her, about me and about us. The riding was awkward I had to say, but I hoped it last longer, so that I didn't have to bid her my farewell.

It was snowy when we reached the entrance to her apartment. I brushed snowflakes off her hair, hugged Amber longingly instead of saying goodbye. Nevertheless, once I had her inside my arms, breathed in her fragment scent and felt her warmth next to mine, it was so hard to let her escape. In a tighter embrace, a little so tight that making her grasped for air, I took a risk, leaning in to press my deprived lips against her. My inner screaming victory, relief and many other things I couldn't be able to name when her lips started moving tremblingly after a second of startling, giving entrance to a deeper kiss. She tipped toes, arms across my torso; hands gripped my shirt beneath the ping thick coat, struggling to bring me closer. Uplifting her to kill the last space between us, for the first time I had to cursed my proudly skyscraper height. Time stilled and the only thing I acknowledged was her. I didn't bother for how long our kisses last in the snow.

That night I stayed with Amber, worshipped every inch of her inside out and bared my soul underneath her eyes of how much I adored her, of the part in me woken up only for her. With a purely sweet kiss early on Sunday morning, on her bed, in her place, she accepted my propose.

I swear this was not because she was so damn sinful the previous night or for the tears she shed aftermath that I asked her to be my girlfriend. Alright, it was a part. But in another time, in another place ever possibly occurr between us, I will properly do the same thing, offering her to be a part of me in the future tense, to tag my name with hers in a proper status higher than just friends.

And so it is, the Northern winter was no longer very cold and we were a confirmed couple.

For some unknown reasons, Chanyeol didn't like the idea of Amber hooking up so fast with me but whatever, like I ever care. She is my dream girl from the start, and for someone like me, who long lost the feeling of being loved for who I am, she is the magic, the best ever happens. She defeated the high school cheerleader Krystal and the Seoul cute creature Taeyeon to be the girl I fell the hardest and deepest for.

First enchanting impression aside, I love Amber for being her compounded and instinctive self. She never seems to try hard making a intent effort to impress me, no pushing and pulling game, no trick playing to be the one hold higher priority in our romantic relationship. Amber is just being her whom in many ways, makes up the bold man inside of me.

As I discovered more about her character, Amber is never easy in any of her relationships. Remaining a certain distance with everyone, she guarded herself up until get to know well enough, so that both her and the latter were both comfortable with each other's pros and cons. No matter with her band-mates or classmates, she only made friend with selective persons, the rest were left treated with standard manner. The fact that she took me into her circle within a week and decided to be my girlfriend in the twenty first from day one made me the most careless case, the shortest record I secretly measured, made me feel bold for being taken unconditionally and irresistibly.

As if fire and ice, angel and demon existing in parallel in her form, I never can forecast her moves. As soon as I thought to finish defining the girl, she warned me it was not enough.

She is the edgiest rocker on stage. She smokes. She drinks. She appeared to be the stormy and rebellious girl whom although I am madly in love with, I have to be aware of sometimes. Sadly, despite of being her boyfriend, I once failed to estimate how dangerous the behaviors she could break out if people pushed her to boiling point.

It was the time a drunken jerk in the pub intentionally touched her on way off stage. Unfortunately she wasn't in good mood due to a fight with me previously. Being the green eyed and unreasonable boyfriend, I got mad at her over the fact that she refused to move in with me while spending time with the band, or in other words, Chanyeol, way too much. The guitarist obviously never stopped feeling for his muse Amber though I admitted he made efforts to hide.

Before me or any of her male members could do anything to made that jerk regret, she did it herself. He received her punch squared on the face and almost her glass of wine which she threw on the floor where he fell. His face would have been cut by the sharp pieces or even collide to the fragile object if he hadn't moved fast enough to avoid.

Amber was nearly sent to the police station if it not for the guarding of Mr Shou. However, the other guys learned their lesson well that they should keep proper manner on the ZED drummer. Upon grabbing her into the messy embrace full of her tears and my helpless apologies, it hurt but somehow I felt bold for being the one affected her behaviors. My lessons learned, I had better be responsible for my words, and take much better care for my girlfriend because she is not the incapable type of girl who crying, waits for her man to come protect. In case I am not able to move fast enough, she will cease my part of a reliable boyfriend.

Or like the time, unlike her tendency to keep our relationship low profile, she created a small scenario. In the middle of her performance, when the band took a rest, she climbed on top of the bar counter where I was in charge of. Taking in a sip of Gin and swift tugging in my collar, she captured my mouth in a French kiss and poured up completely the liquor into my mouth. Where the kiss ended, she fed me a slice of lime, driving the alcoholic bitterness to another taste.

"Is it sweet, our kiss?" She asked. Eyes lingered me alluringly.

"Wh... What is this, Amber?" I breathed hard. This was by far the most provocative kiss I ever tasted. My mind was blown up and firework busted gloriously inside ribcage.

"Me missing you." She whispered before giving me a peck on lips and jumped off the counter. Shock and envy filled up the entire Yuu's and her laughter mischievously ringing.

Amber just shrugged when I asked her again. "Like I said, I missed you and I need my concentration back." I believed her little white lie until Min told me the reason behind the scene. In the middle of the songs, Amber saw me with Suzy, a long term guest who paid her attention on me even before I dated Amber. While I passed her a glass of cocktail, her hand stayed on mine and her eyes shifted on me a bit longer for Amber's liking. I missed the part when she tore her eyes, shooting a flaming stare toward dumbfounded Suzy before going back to the stage. That time she made me bold of myself, for being the property of a possessive woman.

After all, people would be surprised to know wild Amber is indeed a timid cat. For shyly refusing to reveal our kisses and making out in public, she's cute. For keeping a sketchbook full of my pencil portraits, of course being painted by herself, she is so feminine. For blushing hard, covering with the back of her hand in the embarrassing laughter when I found out about this little secret, I just wanted to kiss her all over. For keeping never ending support to my dream of a professional basketball player, she is the classy role model of girlfriend. Amber didn't miss any of our team's matches despite her lack of time for classes and practice. Sometimes she arrives with a set of lunch, sometimes is just simply there for me, for which I felt so touched. Like other young adults', my soul has its troublesome and painful side to which she listened and absorbed in her own way. By only calling me my real name Yifan instead of Kris, the forever stranger's name, she makes me felt comprehensive. Without a fail, her comfort gently wipes my tears and weariness away. She makes me feel bold for being loved and cared sincerely.

For the time being with Amber, the world has to wait since she occupies my senses completely. Along she comes and paints my monochromatic life with shades of rainbow. Like other couples, we involves ourselves in creepy stupid things like catching a cold at the same time or fighting violently for nothing and making up on the next minute with just a kiss. She doesn't have to say to let me know that she likes me to hold her hand walking around and kiss her deeply in the streets full of strangers, to drive her all night heading East Coast to watch the first rays of sunshine or simply to let her rest on my shoulder and feel the comfortable silence calm ourselves.

With that, we went through 2 years and I began to see Amber in different light. She was no more just the girl I deeply loves; she is much more important than that, another half of me.

Not that I never see our relationship in its dark side. Truth is, many times I am incapable of fully understanding Amber. It stabbed me sharply to discover the quote at the last page of her sketchbook.

"Love exists but with an absence of eternity.
After first moment of the lovers encounter, there's an affirmation of love.
Psychologically lunacy, emptiness, panic, delusion that the moment would last forever.
I’m seized by desire.
I hide behind my back and postpone all answers." (1)

It's tangible, her disbelief in the eternity of love, of our love. Ambiguously, I had known earlier about her fear. Let alone the fact that women themselves are the symbols of conflicts and insecurity, my girlfriend is an upgrade case. As much as she yearns for happiness, she fears for losing it. Amber is restless and never can enjoy the moments perfectly. That is why it's forever there, the scratch in her eyes, even when she smiles , even when she plays, even in the moments we become one.

There is no hero, no hope nor glory in her sky. Although it came like another confirmation on my judgment, it was still painful, the thought that my love for her is not enough. Thus, if the fear isn't something she can't get rid of, then this sorrow is what I have to live with. It wore me out sometimes, my endless efforts to be her hero, her hope and glory, but I was not afraid. Because Amber worths it, she  worths fighting for.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Behind the unstable Amber, there hid a sad story. Being the outcome of an abnormal household, she holds deep hatred to her parents, who are a couple of journalist and dentist in LA. The marriage was originally for love and they made up a happy family before the wheel of career and pressure drove them away from each other. When the children grown up a bit, the house was usually left with just the two of them. Her Pa no longer took time to teach his litter honey to play drum and her Ma stopped baking ginger cookies for their Sunday tea break.

Eventually, neither of them nor their children was put on the utmost priority but their job was. Despite of draining of patience and love, they kept tormented each other in the trap of the frosty marriage, unaware that one by one, each of their children were destroyed. Amber's older sister, Zoe, committed suicide in an overdose case the summer Amber entered high school. The couple blamed each other and Amber blamed herself for the girl's death.

"There is hundreds of "what if" things should have happened between us. Thinking back, many times I thought Zoe was to tell me something but she never did. I should have stepped closer to her which I was too selfish to do. And Zoe died."

Zoe's death pushed Amber's world to a new low. The connection within their family which previously had been very loose, then ceased to the point that each of them isolated themselves into their own planet, which revolving on its own orbit, without once colliding to another. Their parents stopped fighting, turning to silent phase and as for Amber, before junior year, she involved herself in everything that she shouldn't have,  from parties to alcohol, smoking, and even drug.

“You don’t know how vacant our house was after Zoe left. She had properly felt the same before she died. I got lost and didn't sure what I really wanted. So I insanely did it all, my try and fail attempts, in the hope that something could fill me up and save me from the feeling of being left behind and forgotten. It sounded terribly wrong and foolish, right? But Yifan, please understand, I was so young then and they weren't things I enjoyed. It was pathetic instead. "

It was  shocked and painful to know what she had been through. But who am I to judge? I had never been in her shoes. Even if I had, perhaps things would have been worse. In fact, I feel grateful that she decided to unwrap her past for me to see which she could have hidden instead. Whatever she did in the past, it made the Amber I loved of the present, so I told her to take it easy.

Pa and Ma did have their eyes on her but in a way that made her cramped. Amber couldn’t differ that was care or love they treated her with, or just pure responsibility which she felt no warmth or peace to receive. Their daughter - parents conversations never could come to a good ending and they made her feel like taking care of her daughter killing them or so.

"It hurt to see something once was so beautiful falling apart, either me, Zoe or Pa and Ma." 

Amber decided to make her way out of her parents' path. In the preparation for the escape, she picked up her mind and made real effort in the latter years in high school. Carefully she calculated the chance she could make it to enter a college, somewhere far from home so that she wouldn't have to visit them frequently. Her parents made a lot of sponsor for UCLA where they always wish to send Zoe and Amber to but she managed to enroll in this university which was considering higher ranking. Obviously good genre was generated in her family since her SAT score was spectacular and she even won a song writing camp.

Sometime I get jealous with my girlfriend for being gifted with so many things. Not mentioning her musical talent, she solves cubic way faster than Luhan who is a cubic freak with the National mathematic award. 

Our days flowed in the safety of having each other beside. Yet, life can't take our side forever, because the semester Amber turned to third year, there came the worst day of my life. I got into a serious knee injury while practice. Physically bruising and mentally breaking down, the doctor said I never could play basketball again.

It took me 2 weeks in hospital, watching my dream flying away. When I was discharged, Amber drove me to her place. She had already moved all my stuffs into her apartment despite of rejecting with a thousand of reasons before. Yet again, I feel bold for being protected by the woman I love.  

(1) Pink tape f(x) teaser note