I’ve dated plenty of times. Gotten into relationships countless times, yet none of them were serious. They knew the deal. No emotional attachment. Just having fun. And after getting tired of it, I broke up with them. Love didn’t exist in my system, because for me, love is saying goodbye to your fondest dreams and saying hello to your worst nightmare. I wasn’t gonna break my rule. Until he came…

Nichkhun was different from others I had met. I was surprised when he first approached me. At first I ignored him thinking that he just wanted to play around. I couldn’t trust that kind of look. He was too perfect for me. I was sure he had a lot of people to fool around with. I didn’t expect him to be this persistent. He did everything to get my attention, despite of my ignorance. It was hard to ignore him, but I wanted to make sure he was serious. I was surprised when I found him sleeping on my doorstep.

It was too cold and he wasn’t wearing a coat, a scarf or anything that would protect his body from the cold weather. I saw his sincerity. That day I gave in, but I would still have to do something, a little challenge that would help me see how serious he was about dating me. It was hard to find one, since he seemed so perfect.

“I’ll go out with you if you change your hairstyle. I don’t want to see your forehead.” I noticed his hair. I really didn’t like how he styled it. I wasn’t expecting him to change it. Probably he was aware of how much of a good looking guy he was. But the next morning he showed up with his new hairstyle. He was total perfection. I couldn’t hear anything other than the strange sound of my heart beating. His smile blinded me.

“I guess you’re not that bad anymore.” I said.

“So, will you go on a date with me?” I chuckled at his nervousness. I didn’t think I would see that kind of nervousness from someone as charming as him.

He asked me out to a movie on our first date and I was fine with it so I said “yes.” He wanted to fetch me from my place, but I refused. I figured it wasn’t a good idea. If my friends saw him doing that, they would make a fuss out of it. I never really cared about what I wore before. I usually wore whatever I pulled out of my closet. But with him, I was practically digging through it just to find a perfect pair of clothes for our date. I thought hard about what I was going to do, how to initiate a conversation with him. What topic would not get him bored and so on.

I lost track of time, thinking about him and I was late for our date by the time I realized I’d been daydreaming. I thought he would just leave but he didn’t. He waited for me outside the theatre. I was guilty so I apologized and made up something for my excuse. I blamed the traffic. I wouldn’t admit why I was late. It was too embarrassing for me to be honest. His preference of movie was great. I was constantly laughing my off and I swear that I could feel him staring at me. He was staring at me rather than watching the movie. I kept my eyes on the movie to distract myself before I found myself sagging on my seat. Days passed. I didn’t know how it happened, but I became his boyfriend.

I was his, but with my friends around us, I didn’t act as if I was his. I kept denying him. Treating him like a puppet in front of my friends. I constantly ditched our dates because my friends kept asking me out and if I denied them, they would interrogate me. I didn’t want them to know Nichkhun was my boyfriend. If they found out, they would talk about my past relationships. I didn’t want Nichkhun to think I wasn’t serious about him, that he would just be like the others, that after the fun I would just throw him away like I did everyone else. I loved him from the deepest part of my heart and I knew he loved me too.

I kept making excuses. But I could see how many times he was breaking because of my actions. I kept apologizing using my eloquent aegyo. I was lucky he was considerate and understanding. I knew I hurt him so much and I wanted it to stop. I was getting tired of denying him. Getting tired of making excuses. Getting tired of hurting him. I wanted people to know he was my one and only boyfriend. However, I wanted him to do it. i wanted him to speak to me. I wanted him to claim me as his, so I kept making him jealous. I hoped he would do something.

Show his jealousy. But he didn’t. I wanted to scream do something but I didn’t know what was on his mind. I couldn’t read him. I was getting frustrated and on top of it, my friends kept talking about him. They wanted me to set them up on a date with him, but I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t let my boyfriend date any of them.

“Don’t fantasize over him. He’s taken. Do you think a handsome guy like him would stay single?”

I didn’t care what they would think anymore. I wanted them to shut it. Nichkhun was mine. I was waiting for Nichkhun to do something, but he kept everything to himself. Suddenly my nightmare had come true.

“Let’s go to the club.”

I heard one of my friends screaming from the top of her lungs, but I wasn’t interested.

“Woo, you should come too. I heard Doojoon was coming. It’s your chance to date him.” I looked at Nichkhun. He was looking at me. His face was expressionless. My friends looked at him then to me, waiting for my response.

“Are you coming?”

“Uhm..sure.” I’m coming but not to date Doojoon. I’m coming to show everyone that I belong to him. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

He was silent during our walk and I hated it. I hated this kind of silence. It just hurt me for a certain reason. I  turned my attention to him to ask him to come with me.

“Uhm..Khun..”

“It’s ok. Just go. Just like what you say, we’re friends so I don’t have the right to stop you.” I was shocked to hear what he said. I didn’t finish what I was going to say because he cut me with those words.

Suddenly breathing seemed so hard when he said those words. I was frozen and I felt like someone had thrown a bucket of cold water on me. It woke me up, but it was late. He walked away and I couldn’t seem to reach him because I was cursed and became still like a statue. Suddenly everything seemed so hard to do. I couldn’t pull myself back to my senses. It broke as my heart broke.

The memory of the day kept haunting me. It kept repeating in my head. Mocking me. Rubbing in my face how stupid I was. He didn’t pick up my calls. He didn’t reply my messages. Waiting for his reply was a lousy torture. I never got any. He didn’t come to school for a week and I never heard anything about him. I couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t stop thinking about him, wondering where he could be, what he was doing,  how he was. I couldn’t retract my mind from him. His shadow was all over me, but I could feel the emptiness because he wasn’t with me.

I fell apart. I fell from all the things I’d done to him. I had reason. I knew i was holding back. Now I’m lost.

He gave his heart, but I treated him like a fool. Now I could see the price to pay. The awful feeling of losing someone you love. I couldn’t run and hide from it because it inflicts my heart. My heart kept screaming for him,aching to feel his love again. I was missing him.

All seemed to be out of my grasp. I saw everything in a dark light because of my mistakes. Never thought I’d be losing him. I never thought I’d be left behind. Now I saw the two of them. It tortured me. I couldn’t hide what I was feeling deep inside. It killed me. But I couldn’t do anything but to regret it. Why did I waste my chance to be with him? I already had him but I let him go.

I wasn’t sure whether he would come or make me wait here forever, just like how I made him for countless times during our dates. But if he endured waiting for me, I would endure waiting for him. I sent him a message earlier to meet me on the rooftop. You could say that I was desperate to talk to him. I was here before the break, but now I could see the students were heading home. I didn’t check the time because even if I check it nothing will change. I would wait for him until he came.

“How many hours have you been waiting here?” I still see the concern in his eyes, but his tone was firm.

“It doesn’t matter how long I waited here. What matters is you’re here.”

“I just came to say it’s time to go home.”

With his cold voice, he turned around to leave. I was quick and hugged him. This was my chance to talk to him.

“Don’t go, please.”

His body stiffened at my sudden move. He didn’t move even a bit and I kept my arm on his waist. Not wanting to let go. “Please, hear me out. It wouldn’t take so much of your time.” He moved subtly. But he didn’t say anything. I took his silence as a chance to proceed on what I was going to say.

“I just wanna say straight from my heart that I miss you. I want your heart. Please give me your heart again.”

I finally let out the words I always kept at the tip of my tongue.

He released himself from my grip and faced me. He was expressionless. He wore the same expression, reminding me of that day. I hated it. I loved his cheerful expression. I loved it when he had a smile on his face. I loved it when he looked at me full of care and love. Not this expression.

“You don’t want my heart, Woo. If you want it, you wouldn’t make me suffer.”

“I know I made you suffer and I’m really sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I’m sorry for putting that wall up. I put it up not to keep you out but to see if you cared enough to break it down. I didn’t tell anyone about our relationship because I was afraid of my friends reactions. I want you to say it for me. I want you to exclaim that I’m yours and you’re mine. I flirt with everyone to make you jealous. But...you...you’re so calm. I want to scream do something but you didn’t. You were too consumed with your own assumptions to see what’s behind my actions...I know I did something wrong, I made mistakes, but please give me a chance. Just one chance to make up for everything I’ve done.”

I struggled to let out my words between my sobs. I couldn’t stop it. The feeling inflicted in me was overwhelming. I finally let out everything I wanted to say. It lessened my repentance. At least I said what I really felt. There would be less regret now. Whether he gave me the chance or left I would accept his decision. I really hoped he would listen to me. I hugged him once again. He didn’t know how I missed him. I missed him more than he would ever know. But he didn’t even budge to hold me.

“I’m sorry Woo. I’m with Tiffany now.”

Hearing that, my heart stopped beating for a moment, breathing seemed so impossible to do. He was taken. He had somebody else now and there was no one to blame but myself for letting him slip away. I tried hard to not make any sound behind my shattered heart. I bit my lips so that he wouldn’t hear my whimper. I didn’t want him to feel guilty about his decision or worse pity me. I took a little time to calm myself before I released him from my hug.

“I understand. You’re free to go. She’s waiting for you.”

I struggled to smile upon my tears. He looked at me with concern. Maybe sympathetic pity. But it doesn’t matter anymore. He made his decision.

“What about you?”

“I’ll be alright. I’m happy for you really...I’m happy that I met someone like you. I’m sorry for disturbing you.” I smiled.

He was reluctant to leave so I faced my back to him. I didn’t think I could hold myself together any longer. I needed to cry this pain out or maybe I would just cry it out inside of me. Cry silently. Cry hopelessly because he wasn’t mine anymore.