“I wasn't actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity.”

 F. Scott Fitzgerald

~

            She scribbles the same quote all over her score; again. It’s not that she is a keen reader of Fitzgerald works or rebelling against Beethoven and Bach’s pieces whatsoever it just that, she’s trying hard to shut her mind from recalling the scene that had taken its place earlier in the music room. Perhaps for her, by writing this sentence as a reminder (for countless time) might help to knock some sense into her thick skull. Maybe. The writing of the repeated quote was messy and blotted with her tears. They are drying up; her tears on the cheeks and the wet ink patches on the paper score.

            Please, brain. Just stop functioning for a while will you? Stop thinking about him!

            She dug her nails deeper into her right thigh.

            Right, nobody gonna see it. This going to distract the pain, it will subside and would not leave a single scar. Even it is, it can be covered. No worries. And your heart will be okay again. You will forget him. You will forget Sunggyu.

            She reach for the white envelop in her drawer, crumpling half of its physique in her trembling hand. She thought of turning the paper to the school office later during the recess. She endured it well for the whole day, (she think that the teachers' boring lesson and the noisy classmates are the last things she would've cared) until the last school bell rings. She's going to run away and she wonder if her absence will be missed. 

~

            “You see, I’m denying now. I’m pushing the thought of being infatuated with you. Perhaps, it’s not my raging hormones problem even. Maybe, I just like you as a person. Because you’re that admirable. I’m smoldering in this essence that I extracted from the whole idea of attracted to you. Hell, everything has a fine line to bound the territory but I couldn’t. I can’t. I can’t draw the lines… Because I don’t even know which category I belong. This feeling for you, I couldn’t sort it.”

             Her voice became raspy at the end of the sentence. Sunggyu try hard not to pay attention to the details but he couldn’t help it, she almost losing herself. She shouldn’t Sunggyu thought. Wrong move.

            “Cho Yun-ah, you’re just… confused with yourself.”

            “I know. I know that myself Sunggyu. I know that.” Half lie.

            She drifts along the rhythm of silence created between them. It was appalling. It was deafening. Nobody’s moving except the balmy wind that plays with her loose locks. Even the time seems to be stopped at that rejection… wait, was that even counted as one when she did not even confess yet? Maybe it’s not but both of them understand the intertextuality of the speech or at least they managed to interpret it. Her very own speech (whereas they think it is indeed a confession).

            Sunggyu’s eyes bore themselves into her face. She looks calm yet there’s pain etched in her dark orbs. She will be okay. At least that was what Sunggyu want to believe. Because to him, she is a strong girl and she will always be. Her eyes loses the spark, the bright fireworks had dimmed. She’s in control of herself, from breaking into pieces in front of him. And she’s doing it right.

“Gyu, I gotta go. It’s getting embarrassing for me. Hahahaha… what even I’m thinking… pfft! Forget whatever I said, you’re still going to be my friend right?”

            It pains Sunggyu to watch her like that. Her laugh didn’t reach her eyes. It hurts Cho Yun even more to spit filthy lies that stab back right at her own heart. Yeah, what even she’s thinking? Hurting herself for others happiness? please she could’ve done better but the problem is, she didn’t. She chose not to do it.

“Send my regards to Hyunah. Tell her that I missed her” and I’m jealous of her, a lot.

            She prods her feet backwards in a slow manner, taking Sunggyu’s whole image; his short raven black hair, his baby fat on his cheeks, his small eyes, his straight nose and his fair skin for a good five seconds before turning her heels. She had always wanted to touch them under her fingertips but it obviously the inappropriate thing to do now because he’s not hers and never was. But, she will definitely remember how good their looks on a boy she’s in love with, a boy named Kim Sunggyu.

~

“Dear Friend,

      I’m sorry that everything had to end like this. You aren’t mad at me right? Okay, maybe you are but please grow your heart an inch larger today and perhaps you can forgive me. By the time you found this letter. I might be no longer here. (I’m not going to kill myself I swear I’m not that stupid, you know me better). But that’s not the main issue. I am going away, the economy is bad and my parents said there's a better place for us out there which is obviously not here. You see, I was afraid to face you because of my selfishness so I take this as a chance to make a way for myself. Rather than an excuse, I'll take this as a reason for me to go. You see, I should have tried harder at hiding my feelings. I feel like I’ve stripped and bare my heart for you to see and I think the outcome is not pleasant. But the thing was done and can you just turn blind eyes to every damage that I’ve done? The damage I’ve done to our friendship. The only relationship that I have with you, I’ve tainted it didn’t I? My feeling towards you- it’s a burden and I’m aware of it. Again, I’m sorry. 

Dear Kim Sunggyu.

      You said you hate dolentes¹, lugubres² or anything of the same kind and if possible, you don’t even want your finger to play songs that incorporate those kinds of composition but Sunggyu, I’ve been playing them since I meet you for the first time; in my head at least. I couldn’t justify how it works but seeing you with her, it pains me a lot and I swear I will hum to those tunes, under my conscience. I was guilty for unable to control my feeling when I should be contented because my friend is happily in love with someone else. You are happy with her right? That’s good enough for me.

Gyu,

      Writing is tiring than playing piano don’t you agree? And I think I’ve wrote a quite lengthy letter. It’s quite a feat in my opinion so you should read this letter without missing any words okay? Before I put a period to this letter, can you be generous with me for the last time Sunggyu? I wanna make a wish. It’s another selfish attempt of me to save our tainted friendship but if we were to meet again in the future, is it okay if I call your name out loud? Will you be okay with that? And Sunggyu, in case I didn’t see you first, would you take the first step and make me notice your presence? You should because I would do that.  You don’t have to worry Sunggyu. My feelings for you will decrease. It will. All things- of all things the tempo will slow down sooner or later so I’m sure I’ll like you less as time goes by.

     I don’t know if we will cross our path in future and this uncertainty scares me (because I don’t want you to forget me). Again, I’m a selfish bastard who could only beg for your attention like this. Sunggyu, I won’t play piano anymore, because it might hinder my effort to stop liking you. Plus, I’m not even good with it and it'll prolly just waste my time and my parents' money. So please, continue to play on my behalf and don’t give up on your dream. I’ll see you rocking those black and white keys of your dream stage. Be a star Sunggyu, and shine bright so you’ll let me find you easily. Last but not least, I love you. And I’ll let you go now.

Cho Yun.

~

     He folds the shabby piece of paper slowly as if it will tear against his lean fingers. The letter looks worn out. Anyone could easily guess that Sunggyu has been reading it too much. It’s been a long 6 years since he found that letter on the piano in the music room. She left without a trace but Sunggyu didn’t cry albeit he felt empty. In fact, he was angry with her and still does. She talked too much (and wrote too much) that she forgot to ask him whether he has something to tell her. His side of story left unheard. He has so many things to say to her yet she is nowhere to be found. Along the scolds and nags he has in his mind that is meant for her when they meet later (he still doesn't know when), he wants to tell her that he misses her too. So much.

      Cho Yun, I don’t know if I shine bright enough to be a star but I will work harder till I see you. I’m going to make sure you can find me, easily.

     “Sunggyu-sshi, you’re next! On standby, get ready in 60 seconds!”

     Cho Yun-ah, the next  sonata³ is for you. I'll make it rising in crescendo. 

______________________________________________________________________________________________

1. Dolente: sad; mournful

A direction in musical notation indicating that the piece should be played sorrowfully, as if the player were mourning.

2. Lugubre;

mournful/melancholic

3. Sonata;

A composition for an instrumental soloist, often with a piano accompaniment, typically in several movements with one or more in sonata form.

a/n:

Boo. Open ending. And if you read it more than once, you'll realise that i actually wrote a corny stuff. euw. i know. and yes, I know Cho Yun is such a dumb and insecure human being and Kim Sunggyu, who the hell he think he is? Why need Cho Yun do the first step pfft! Don’t hate me. Hate them instead. Anyway, I’m not music major whatsoever so for any random music terms thrown in the fiction, the least thing I could ask is to go easy on me. This fiction is heavily inspired but loosely adapted based on Sunggyu’s real story of his first love, well he mentioned about it in Beatles Code 2 and I really think his first love is beautiful even it ended in unfortunate way. This might be awkward and not my place to hope for such thing for someone else even, but I have this sinful wish that someday, Sunggyu will meet his first love again. So both of them can untangle the knots of regrets they might keep within themselves. Okay, I should tape my blabbering mouth shut!

Anyway, thanks for reading this humble piece of mine /and tolerate the ftw! grammar errors too/. God bless us all. <3