Chapter Ten: Falling Apart I

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Chanyeol had known. He had always known.

Technically, he had always had that inkling feeling in his heart that Baekhyun still loved him. Maybe not as strongly as he had during their time together, but the feeling was most definitely still there.

So why was he utterly surprised when Baekhyun had uttered those words right in his face? Maybe it was the fact that Baekhyun had finally found the courage to say them to him, despite all the Chanyeol had put him through. Chanyeol was no saint, that he would admit, but it didn't mean Baekhyun was free of mistakes. He knew that both of them had their fair share of mistakes over the course of their marriage. Some little, some huge. What mattered was the fact that such accumulation of mistakes had brought their marriage to the breaking point of no return.

As he lit up his second cigerette of the night, he brought a hand up to run through his already dishevelled hair, his growing addiction -- and mood calmer -- unable to squash the thoughts on his mind. He was glad the kids were with Baekhyun instead of him today because he didn't think he would have been able to do a good job of settling his children's welfare if he were under so much stress. 

Baekhyun's revelation had only ed things up in his mind. What was he to do? 

As if on cue, the answer to his burning questions wrapped both arms around him from the back, nuzzling his face into his neck and planting kisses there.

"Did you ask him?" 

"I did." Chanyeol hesitantly replied before taking another puff from his drag.

"What did he say?"

"He doesn't want us to be friends." Jongdae paused his ministrations and pursed his lips together. His plan had been to reconcile the pair. Not as lovers, but as friends. After his time with Baekhyun in the office, Jongdae was certain that Chanyeol was all his. But it didn't feel right. And he knew that the only way to ease the guilt he'd been feeling ever since that incident was to fix things between the broken couple. Why should they be on bad terms when they could all make things work? Jongdae knew that if him and Chanyeol were to be together, then his kids would have to see him as a friend and not an enemy. And for that to happen, he needed to get Baekhyun on his side. So what better way then to fix the severed ties between Chanyeol and Baekhyun? It was most definitely a win-win situation for all.

"Why not?" Chanyeol put out the cigerette and turned to face Jongdae, holding him by the shoulders.

"He..." Chanyeol sighed. This was a little more difficult than he'd thought it would be. "He still... Baekhyun says... He still loves me..."

Chanyeol looked to Jongdae's face for any signs of discontentment, but all he got in return was a small knowing smile. "I know."

"Wait, you do?"

"I never told you what happened back in your office, did I?" Chanyeol shook his head.

"Well, you see," Jongdae began, "He didn't talk to me to threaten or warn me, or any of that sort. He just said that he was letting you go, and that he loved you still, but he's glad you found someone who makes you happy."

Chanyeol felt like a thousand bricks had fallen upon him all at once. His heart palpitated in his chest as his eyes flickered over to the space behind Jongdae, trying to digest everything.

"I do, don't I?" Jongdae whispered shyly against his chest where he had laid his head upon, pulling Chanyeol out from his thoughts. He looked up with a smile. "I make you happy."

Chanyeol remembered all the times he had come crying to Jongdae about how Baekhyun just doesn't ing care about him anymore. He remembered all the times Jongdae would go out of his way just to put a smile upon his face despite how lonely he felt whenever Baekhyun wasn't with him, tending to Sehun and just avoiding him in general so he wouldn't have to think about the misfortune that had befallen upon their family. Jongdae was there at a time Chanyeol needed someone to lean on the most, and Baekhyun wasn't. That was just how it was.

"You do," Chanyeol answered honestly, a smile breaking past the frown.

+

"Hey."

"Hey."

Baekhyun flashed Chanyeol a small but genuine smile as the latter took a seat on the other side of the table. After his talk with Jongdae, Chanyeol thought it would be better to clear things up between himself and his ex-husband. He spent hours trying to come up with the courage to make a call to Baekhyun who, thankfully, agreed without spite to meet for lunch on the pretense of discussing their children's welfare. Both of them knew without saying anything that it was really just to clear any misunderstandings after their last meeting.

"Listen--"

"I--"

They held each other's gaze, startled for a moment at having spoken at the same time. Baekhyun was the one who let out a sheepish laughter first, Chanyeol chuckling along when he saw the ease in Baekhyun's face.

Chanyeol rubbed the back of his neck. "You go ahead first."

"About what happened that day... I'm sorry, just forget about what I said," Baekhyun blurted. "I just got carried away. I shouldn't have done that."

Chanyeol's expression softened as a relieved smile formed across his face. "It's okay."

Baekhyun swallowed hard at the disappointment of having seen Chanyeol's relief. He shook it away as quickly as it had come.

"So... does the offer still stand?" Baekhyun asked timidly.

"Only if it's okay with you," Chanyeol said uncertainly. 

There was a pause before Baekhyun nodded with a smile. "Let's stay friends."

"For our children," he added.

Chanyeol nodded in agreement. "For our children."

Despite the initial awkwardness, they lapsed into a fairly decent conversation about Chanyeol's work and Baekhyun's over their own plates of rice. 

Eventually, Baekhyun approached a topic that Chanyeol had thought would be sensitive to him, after all he had confessed.

"How's Jongdae?" Baekhyun peered at Chanyeol over the rim of his glass of water.

"He's okay. He's actually not in town right now, but he should be back in a day or two," Chanyeol answered carefully, gauging Baekhyun's reaction. Baekhyun nodded in response as he downed the last of his drink.

"So, tell me more about him. When did you guys get together?" 

If Chanyeol was shocked at Baekhyun's straightforwardness, he didn't show it. Instead, he slowly set his own glass back onto the table and his lips.

"Only after we decided on getting the divorce," Chanyeol assured him with a wary smile. "I didn't cheat on you, if that's what you're asking."

"I'm not," Baekhyun rushed to explain himself. "I'm just curious. I mean... if he makes you happy, then I'm glad."

Chanyeol recalled what Jongdae had told him a few nights before. But he's glad you found someone who makes you happy.

"Are you sure it's okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Baekhyun waved a dismissive hand, smiling in an attempt to assure him. "I wouldn't have agreed to this friendship if it wasn't."

"Okay," Chanyeol let out a breath. The atmosphere between them got a little better afterwards. Baekhyun found that he had been fretting over nothing at how it was all going to pan out because talking to Chanyeol had always been as easy as breathing; as it was now. It brought him back to their first real conversation all those years back in that 24hour diner where Baekhyun had poured tales of his life's worth of misery and harships upon an earnestly attentive Chanyeol.

By the time lunch had ended, Baekhyun checked his watch to see that it was time to send Jongin off.

"You could come with if you want? I mean, he'd like that." Baekhyun offered. He mentally slapped himself at his choice of words. Of course Jongin would like that. Chanyeol was his father too. That was a stupid flimsy excuse to get Chanyeol to come along just so he could prolong their time together. It had been way too long since they've spent time together without wanting to rip at each other's throats, and it felt nice, really.

"Of course I'll come," Chanyeol said with a hint of an amused grin. "The car is with me, isn't it? I'll give you guys a ride."

"Ah." Baekhyun turned his face to hide his embarrasment. "Let's get going then."

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It was about an hour's drive from their town to the ferry terminal. After picking up Sehun from school, Jongin having come from home, they set off to send their first son on his first trip away from home. Needless to say, there were a few reluctant goodbyes and lots of hugs and kisses before the pair was waving by the shore as they watched the ferry that carried their son and the rest of his friends and teachers gradually fade into the vastness of the ocean.

It was already dark by the time they started making their way back to the car, and Sehun, having had a long day in school, was already fast asleep in Baekhyun's arms.

"Do you want to get dinner along the way? It'll be quite late by the time we get back," Chanyeol said, breaking the quiet between them.

To be honest, Baekhyun wasn't really hungry after that late lunch he had, but knowing Chanyeol, Baekhyun was certain that the giant of a man was starving by this point of time. He had always had a huge appetite, and Baekhyun knows, for he was always in the kitchen preparing something for his husband back when they were still together.

"Okay." Baekhyun nodded anyway.

Dinner was another amiable affair; though Chanyeol offered to let a sleeping Sehun rest in his lap, Baekhyun insisted that it was fine since he was done with his smaller portion of dinner before the other. The atmosphere in the car the ride home, however, was relatively lighter than it had been before.

"Remember this?" Chanyeol held his phone over the console in between them, his other hand kept firmly on the steering wheel. Baekhyun took one look and was bursting out in laughter. Sehun, who was tucked in the backseat of the car and still heavily asleep, stirred lightly for a moment, mumbling something incoherent. Baekhyun's hands immediately flew to his mouth to prevent any more noise from escaping, only relaxing when Sehun fell back into his deep slumber.

"How do you still have that?" Baekhyun asked, voice just loud enough to talk over the soft murmur of the radio. The picture that had Baekhyun in stitches was one of Sehun dressed in one of Chanyeol's niece's pink tutu, taken when he was a year old. Back at the diner, Baekhyun had watched in amusement as Chanyeol snapped a picture of the loopy grin etched onto Sehun's sleeping face. After a successful attempt, Chanyeol had gone through the album in his phone and the pair had looked through every single silly picture Chanyeol had taken of the boys when they were younger, tagging an occasion to each. There was one during Jongin's first birthday when he had unexpectedly burst into tears when he picked up a book during his doljanchi. There was another, where Sehun was sporting a wide grin as he tried to fit as many of his stubby fingers into his nose. And then there was one with both boys pulling at each other's hair with the most ridiculous expressions, faces covered with flour and chocolate. Baekhyun remembered that to be taken during the preparations for Chanyeol's -- failed -- birthday surprise when Baekhyun had enlisted the help of his young boys to bake a cake for the tall man, only to have Chanyeol come home earlier from work and finding his husband caught in between the food war their kids had declared.

"They're too precious to be deleted," Chanyeol chuckled. "Besides, this is blackmail material for when they're older and think their parents aren't cool enough anymore."

By the time Chanyeol had pulled up front at their -- now temporarily Baekhyun's -- house, Baekhyun found that he couldn't hide the smile from the man in the driver's seat whose own face sported the ghost of a smile.

"Thanks for the ride," Baekhyun was the first to break the silence as his expression softened. 

"Don't mention it."

"I..." Baekhyun trailed biting down on his lower lip as he lowered his gaze slightly, "I had a good time today. It was nice."

"Yeah," Chanyeol agreed, "It felt nice."

"See, I told you being friends would help us," Chanyeol said in a teasing tone. Baekhyun shook his head as he chuckled, unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car. Chanyeol only snapped out of his daze at Baekhyun's laugh when he heard the back door open. He scrambled to get out and hurried to the side of the car.

"Don't worry, I've got him. You go get the door." Baekhyun nodded and shuffled to the front door to get it unlocked as Chanyeol hauled their second son into his arms. As soon as Sehun was on the bed, safely tucked under the covers with a goodnight kiss from his appa, Chanyeol made his way out the door with Baekhyun right behind to see him out. 

"Hey, Chanyeol." Said man paused to turn around at the call.

"Um, thanks again." Baekhyun shyly said with a small wave. Chanyeol merely grinned with a nod, returning a goodbye wave and a bid goodnight as he got into the car and started the engine.

Baekhyun stood watching at the door as Chanyeol drove away. Maybe being friends really was for the best. 

+ 

The week passed by slow. With Jongin away and Sehun having returned to Chanyeol's according to the roster, Baekhyun had way too much time on his hands in the afternoons. He would cook more than necessary, polish the silverware and reorganise things around the house but he spent the better part of his afternoon just sitting in front of the telly, turning his phone over in his hand and typing out a message to Chanyeol, only to end up deleting every word.

After that day they'd spent together, Baekhyun found himself craving for more pleasant days with Chanyeol's company. He'd never imagined that he would finally come to better terms with his husband. Baekhyun had felt better about himself, about things in general, ever since Chanyeol started looking at him again. He no longer felt the pent up anger and frustration Chanyeol used to direct at him in a single glance and for that, Baekhyun was grateful.

Feeling rather discouraged with what he'd written, Baekhyun reread the message and started hitting the backspace with a sigh.

Hey, how've you been? Haven't seen you since that day, it's been almost a week. Want to grab some lunch together later? :-)

Baekhyun grumbled. What was that, even? He sounded too hopeful. It was pathetic. 

Baekhyun slumped back against the sofa and allowed the silence in the house to fill his ears. It was way too quiet. He was sure to go mad if he listened to any more of it. Deciding he would just take a chance, he made his way into the kitchen and packed up the meal he had made earlier on.

As soon as Baekhyun arrived at the building, however, he was hit with sudden trepidation. What would Chanyeol say? How would he react? Certainly he wouldn't be expecting his ex-husband to drop by with a nicely packed meal just for him? 

Baekhyun knew it was a bad idea. He decided to abort it all together, turning to leave the building, when an awfully familiar voice called him from a few feet away.

"Baek?"

Cursing himself mentally, Baekhyun let a smile form across his face before turning around slowly to face the tall man whose own face sported a slight frown and a tiny confused smile.

"What are you doing here?" Chanyeol asked conversationally, slipping a hand into the pocket of his pants. Baekhyun shouldn't have had an issue answering the question but then he noticed a wary looking Jongdae close by the tall man's side. There wasn't any traces of irritation in his expression, but rather curiosity in his eyes.

"I-I made too much bibimbap at home, forgot Jongin was away," Baekhyun stuttered a little, rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish smile. He held the container out to Chanyeol.

"I was on my way to the mall and thought I'd drop by with this."

If Chanyeol was suspicious, he didn't say so. Instead, he eyed the seemingly nervous man for a moment before accepting the meal with a grin.

"Thanks. It's like you knew I was craving for some bibimbap," Chanyeol joked, easing Baekhyun's nerves with his chuckle. Jongdae looked visibly relaxed by his side as well, joining in on the conversation with a friendly smile. The hand that had been lightly touching Chanyeol's arm dropped to his side and he shifted a little to put just a tad bit more distance between them -- which didn't escape Baekhyun's observant eyes.

"We were just heading for lunch. Come join us," Jongdae said with a smile. 

"No, it's fine... I don't want to intrude on your time together." Baekhyun declined politely.

"What? No, of course not!" Jongdae laughed. "I see this giant loser every day. It'll be nice to have a new face joining us for lunch today."

Baekhyun would have declined for a second time if not for Jongdae’s tentative outreach towards his wrist for a gentle touch that was accompanied by sincerity in his eyes. With stomach churning and an unexpected genuine smile upon his lips, Baekhyun nodded and allowed the couple to lead the way.

Baekhyun was preparing himself for all the display of affection that was sure to be done right before his eyes, but none came. In fact, Jongdae took to keeping by his side, most of his attention focused upon the light conversation he had strike up with Baekhyun about the kind of cuisine he has a liking for, to a more random topic about what’s in the news. By the time they had arrived at a food outlet and seated with their orders taken, Baekhyun found that he was actually at ease with Jongdae. He was bright and had lots to say about everything, a lot like how Baekhyun used to be with Chanyeol. Now, though, Baekhyun could only nod every now and then, giving a few remarks whenever Jongdae threw him a question. Occasionally, Chanyeol would pipe in with a comment or two but Baekhyun did notice how the tall male couldn’t keep his anxious eyes off them both. Holding his breath, as if he wanted so badly for both his ex-husband and boyfriend to get along. Baekhyun knew Chanyeol had nothing to be worried about though. For him, this was a new beginning. The air between them all had been cleared and he wanted to be on good terms with all parties.

Let go, and move on.

That was his motto now. And it was all good. Baekhyun felt better, having tied loose ends and patched things up with Chanyeol, and Jongdae as well to an extent. There was still a long way to go before he could piece his heart back together but he was on the mend and that was what mattered.

It didn’t hurt as much as before when Baekhyun watched as Chanyeol fed Jongdae a bite of his bibimbap, but he did have to put in a bit more effort for the smallest of smiles.

“Wow, this is really good, Baekhyun,” Jongdae complimented as he wolfed down another bite.

“I’ve had years of practice,” Baekhyun replied with a modest smile. Chanyeol loved bibimbap, and it was only natural back then for Baekhyun to take interest in mastering the art of perfecting the dish just so he could be rewarded with Chanyeol’s smile and declaration of love as he stuffed himself with the food.

“I can’t cook for nuts.” Jongdae revealed, though with a hint of regret.

“I… uh, I could teach you,” Baekhyun offered, looking hesitantly to Jongdae, “I mean, only if you want to.”

“You’d do that?” Jongdae’s eyes rounded. Beside him, Chanyeol was gaping lightly at the smaller man. He could hardly believe it; Baekhyun was actually making an effort to get along with Jongdae. And for that, he appreciated Baekhyun’s efforts. Chanyeol could see it. Baekhyun wasn’t as stubborn as he’d turned into the past few years anymore.

“Well, you took me out for lunch today. It’ll be my way of repaying your kind gesture.”

Jongdae laughed, a mirthful sound leaving his thin pretty lips. “Surely an offer to lunch doesn’t amount to a free cooking lesson?”

Baekhyun felt himself turn red at the realization. Then it hit him; it’s my way of saying thank you for giving Chanyeol what I couldn’t give him myself. But it wasn’t like he could say that.

“It does, if you’re paying for the meal,” Baekhyun joked. This time, everyone joined in the laughter. Baekhyun decided, then, and over the course of their lunch, that Jongdae and him would have made great friends had they met first before Chanyeol fell for the boy with the pretty smile. Towards the end of Chanyeol’s and Jongdae’s lunch break, Baekhyun found that he was engaging more in the conversations Jongdae would seamlessly start. Chanyeol seemed to have noticed too because he became visibly more at ease than he’d been when Jongdae had first invited Baekhyun to tag along.

“I’m glad you came, Baekhyun,” Jongdae said earnestly as they stood up to leave.

“I’m glad I came too,” Baekhyun replied honestly.

“You really have no idea how much this means to me,” Jongdae’s voice dropped lower, casting a glance over at Chanyeol who had gone to pay for the meal.

“I know,” Baekhyun offered a small smile. “Like I said, I’m not going to be in your way, so you don’t have anything to worry about.”

“Thank you, Baekhyun.” Jongdae clasped his hand. He pulled away quickly as soon as Chanyeol sauntered back.

“I guess I’ll get going then. Thanks again for the meal.” Baekhyun grinned with a wave.

“I’ll be sure to take you up on that offer,” Jongdae slipped his hand into Chanyeol’s, and then they were off.

Despite having seen the couple holding hands, a sense of dull ache – of longing, perhaps – creeping its way into his heart, the smile on his face lingered even as they turned the corner and out of his sight.

+

“Something’s troubling you.”

Chanyeol startled from his daze on the bright screen of the laptop, looking up to see Jongdae drying his hair by the foot of the bed.

“It’s nothing,” Chanyeol muttered, closing the laptop and putting it aside. He ruffled his hair and let out a loud breath.

Jongdae let the silence claim a few moments before he whispered, “It’s Baekhyun, isn’t it?”

When has it never been about him? Jongdae wanted to say when he caught the confusion in Chanyeol’s expression but he held back the thought.

Jongdae strode over to the bed and sat himself by the side, in front of the other man who had his arms crossed and lips pursed.

“What is it?” Jongdae asked softly, resting a hand on a leg.

“It’s just…” Chanyeol trailed off, not knowing what to say, how to put his thoughts into words. Jongdae waited patiently, rubbing his hand soothingly against Chanyeol’s leg.

Chanyeol finally looked up to lock eyes with Jongdae. “I don’t know how I feel about being friends with him.”

Jongdae had been the one to suggest it in the first place, and Chanyeol had thought it was a good idea. The outcome had been rather positive. But now, Chanyeol was beginning to have doubts about it. He was staring to feel weird around Baekhyun. Like he shouldn't be near the man, the lines of it being right and wrong were blurred and he had no indication of whether he should carry on with it. Given the week to mull over it, Chanyeol realised that it was more than just the issue of their children. He wasn't really sure exactly what it was and that only confused him further.

"Didn't you say it went well that day? When you guys went to send Jongin off together?"

"I just feel like things could go wrong, you know."

Jongdae nodded sympathetically, though he wasn't quite sure what to say. Maybe Chanyeol was just overwhelmed by how quickly things were progressing. Not only in terms of the divorce, but also the repaired relationship -- friendship -- between himself and Baekhyun as well as how serious both him and Jongdae were about starting a new life together. 

Jongdae crawled up the length of the bed and snuggled himself close to Chanyeol, wrapping his arms around his waist. 

"Take things slow if you must," Jongdae murmured against the skin of his bare arms. Jongdae thought back about all the things Baekhyun had said to him; about taking care of Chanyeol and making sure he stays happy. Jongdae pictured the bittersweet acceptance in his eyes, and the longing in his tone to be acknowledged by the man once again.

"Just... don't give up on this, okay?" It'll mean a lot to Baekhyun, and, "It'll mean a lot to me."

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