They were doing great.

They were painfully in love with each other.

They had all the things a couple would want.

But that was the problem; they were too perfect.

May 6, 2010

Baekhyun closed his eyes. He willed the tears away and let that fake smile he had practiced so many times to slip on his face. "Is that your friend?" He asked gently, keeping his shaking hands on his lap, hidden from the boy in front of him. The teenager snapped his head back to the where the elder was sitting, his eyes wide with panic. "Y-Yeah..." He muttered out, looking down on the cup of coffee he had ordered. Though it was only minutes, the silence between the two seemed to have dragged on for hours.

"H-Hyung... I'll be leaving now, I have a project to do..." The younger of the two said as he stood up, ready to leave.

"C-Chanyeol-ah!" Baekhyun said in a hurry before the younger could leave the table. The said boy looked up, only to avert his gaze seconds later.

"Will... Will you be home for dinner?" Baekhyun whispered out. And unknowingly, his trembling hands clenched into fists on his thighs.

Please remember... 

Chanyeol stood by the side, mouth opening and closing and at last, he sighed. "No, I'll be staying over at a friend's." And with that, the boy was out of the cafe's glass doors. Baekhyun stared at the empty seat in front of him.

Byun Baekhyun, don't cry... Don't you dare cry... 

Chanyeol should have stayed a little longer.

He should have left a little later.

If he had stayed, he would've seen the lone tears...

If he had stayed, he would've noticed that his secret glances at the cashier boy was a little too obvious and...

He would have realised that he had forgotten about an important day.

June 6, 2010

"Are you going out again?" Baekhyun asked from his seat at the kitchen counter. Chanyeol turned around and stared at him for a moment. Just as a flash of guilt appeared on his face, he looked away.

Look at me, Chanyeol-ah.

"Y-Yeah... My professor wants me to see him at school," the tall boy muttered before leaving the house with the door clicking softly behind him. 

Only a few seconds after the dreadly silence settled, a ringtone blasted throughout the whole apartment. Baekhyun walked over to the coffee table, staring at the message splayed over the screen.

Kyungsoo

Where are you? My shift at the cafe ended already. Remember to bring the movie tickets.

That night, Baekhyun cried himself to sleep.

Am I not perfect enough?

August 6, 2010

Baekhyun stood in front of the mirror, frowning at his reflection. He touched his stomach and cringed. 

Is it because I'm fat? 

He dragged out the weighing machine from under the bed and stood on it. He looked down when he heard the beeping sounds and flinched.

He immediately ran towards the kitchen and dumped away all the food available, leaving only bottles of mineral water reside in the refrigerator.

And in the process of it all, red numbers glowed at the top of the weighing machine.

54.1 kg

December 6, 2010

"Hyung, where have all the food gone?" Baekhyun flinched and his hands started trembling. "I cooked yesterday... I g-guess I forgot to restock the ingredients..." Baekhyun replied. The younger appeared at the kitchen entrance, looking at the boy sitting on the couch. Baekhyun cowered a little under the taller male's presence.

He's not going to believe it. He'll think I'm the big fat- who ate everything... He'll find out. Chanyeol always know when I'm lying-

"Ok, hyung. Remember to restock them. I'll be going out now," And with the familiar shut of the door, the whole apartment was silent.

Baekhyun allowed his walls to crumble as he stared at the closed door with shock. His glassy eyes could no longer hold the gathering salty droplets and soon, a tear rolled down his pale skin.

Am I still not perfect?

That night, the sink was stained with blood and a razor was sitting near the tap, glistening with red droplets. On the same night, skinny wrists were littered with scars and open wounds.

December 25, 2010

The table was filled with plates of different dishes. The forks and spoons were arranged with special care and shifted to perfection. Baekhyun's tired eyes glance over the table and smiled. 

He'll be home. He promised. He said he'll spend Christmas with me.

Baekhyun sat on his seat at the dining table and waited. As the dishes started to cool, he glanced at the clock. 10.39 P.M.

Time passed and when the chilly wind blew inside the equally cold apartment, Baekhyun fixed his eyes on the clock. 11.58 P.M.

Please... Chanyeol-ah... Come back soon... I promise I'll be better...

11.59 P.M.

Chanyeol-ah... I beg you...

And with the last of the clock, a chime sounded. 12.00 A.M. 

Still, the whole apartment remained as cold as it was. No door was opened. No clumsy giant rushed in the house. No hugs were exchanged. And yet, tears were shed and sobs were carried through-out the empty house. That night, Baekhyun endured the winter by himself, the razor and his blood being his only companion.

March 6, 2011

"Yah, do you think he's crazy?"

"Of course, just look at the amount of sleeping pills he bought! He can kill an elephant with those!"

Baekhyun shifted the bag of bottles from one arm to the other. He's face was blank and eyes were emotionless as he unlocked the door, ignoring the gossips from his neighbours. He shut the door with a loud slam and walked directly in the kitchen. He dumped the numerous bottles on the kitchen counter, and slowly started placing and arranging them in the lowest cabinet. 

At the last bottle, his hands were trembling. He rested his back on the kitchen counter and slowly slid down the cold marble, eyes shut tightly.

No... Byun Baekhyun, you promised. You told yourself not to cry.

The boy covered his mouth when he heard the door open and footsteps echoing from the livign room. "Hyung? Are you in here?" Chanyeol's deep voice boomed. That second, Baekhyun snapped. His tears ran down his face but the feeling was no longer foreign. The tug at his heart made him feel home. It's a part of him now. A day without the heart-wrenching feeling, he'll die. Literally.

Because that's the only thing he left for me.

When his foot accidentally kicked the kitchen-counter, he froze. His eyes darted crazily around, finding a place to hide. But the kitchen was too small. Then, a ringing tone cut through the deadly silence. "Ah, Kyungsoo-ah, I'm at hyung's house now... No, he's not in... Yeah, I'll see you later... I love you too, bye." When the sounds faded, the door clicked shut. And Baekhyun finally broke. Sobs raked through his body as he cowered in the corner of the kitchen.

No... Chanyeol loves me...

That night, Baekhyun finally realised why Chanyeol was not home anymore. He realised why "my house" became "hyung's house". Because apparently, his home was now with the cashier boy.

May 6, 2011

Chanyeol was happy, Baekhyun could see. The taller boy was smiling and laughing loudly, slapping his hands on his thighs, eyes crinkling into crescents. He was singing a birthday song...

But it's not for me.

He was clapping like a seal, acting like a idiot. Baekhyun stood outside the cafe, glassy eyes staring at the younger male. The birthday song reverberated through the cafe as everyone clapped and sung for the small boy. Baekhyun clutched onto the star pendant around his neck and sighed.

Why can't you remember me? 

Baekhyun turned away from the cafe, head lowered as he took a few steps away. His sweater barely hung on his boney figure as he lifted his head and stared up at the sky. The sun was scorching and the cotton material was constantly rubbing against the numerous scars on his arms, irritating them. Baekhyun let out a shaky sigh.

I'm never going to be perfect, am I?

Looking back at the cafe, Baekhyun's heart clenched.

It's time I let go of you...

July 23, 2011

Dear Chanyeol,

                            I'm sorry for being so clingy to you. I'm sorry for dragging you around for the past two years even though I didn't have the rights to. I should have left earlier. I shouldn't have tainted you with my bare hands.

                            I'm sorry I can't be the same boy you liked from school. I'm sorry I had held onto you so tight even when you were begging to be released. I was just so thankful that I finally found someone who actually cared. I thought that what we had was something that would continue to exist even if we died, together. I'm sorry for being so stupid. I know now, so I'm letting you go. Be happy with Kyungsoo. Do all the things we used to do and shower him with your love. Don't let him go, okay? If you're really happy with him, I'll leave. I'm sorry for not being perfect, Park Chanyeol.

                            But Chanyeol-ah... I love you. And don't forget that.

Best wishes,

Hyung

Baekhyun stared at the letter he had written, eyes burned and blurry. He looked at the numerous amount of bottles in front of him. And with the last inch of courage in him, he opened one bottle and dumped the pills down his throat. He threw the empty bottle on the floor and continued with the rest. The empty bottles soon started occupying the floor one by one. 

Baekhyun dropped the last bottle, eyes b with the tears he was trying to hold in. His eyes felt droppey as he laid his head on the coffee table in front of him. 

Please... Please be happy...

That day, Byun Baekhyun left the world weighing 26kg, with bottles decorating his presence. 

Yet, on the very same day... A clumsy giant was holding hands and enjoying his time with his new found lover.