Chapter eight: When I'm ‘alone’

       It's not like I don't know what's going through her mind more than half the time--it's that I choose to ignore it.

I think, just maybe, that makes me a selfish .

"Hey Taeyeon can you pass me that mic stand over there please?" Yuki, the man that I worked for asked me with a slight smile. I passed him the stand slowly. I had too much on my mind these days come to think of it and I honestly blame her.

Tiffany.

"You can go home if you need to Tae, we got it from here." He looked at me with an understanding gaze, as if he knew exactly how I was feeling that night, but I doubt it. Most nights I'd stay as late as possible at the bar, waiting for some pretty girl to walk in so I could buy her a drink and maybe strike up a conversation. But that seems to happen less often lately-- and it's not because of the lack of pretty girls. I sigh. "Okay I'm outta here. Text me whenever you guys need another vocalist or guitarist for a gig." I grab my jacket and hastily walk out of the venue without a look back. I think I'm going crazy; I have to be right? I sigh even harder this time pulling out the almost empty package of scrunched up cigs. Definitely my last pack ever, I'm not sure she likes the smell. Even I find it repulsive sometimes yet here I stand in the busy bustling streets of Tokyo smoking and puffing away. I look up at the night sky and wonder what she's up to. Maybe reading, studying or even sleeping. She hardly goes anywhere, unless I'm with her. I felt the insane sensation of swelling in my gut. And I hated it.

I need a drink. I stare up at the sky for a moment before melting into the crowd.

"I think I might actually like her."

      Two in the morning, body swaying like a mad man, eyes blood-shot red and the feeling of wanting to pass out is how I arrive at the dorm. Don’t ask me how. But you all know why.

"Tae…? Are you drunk?" Oh boy was that an understatement. I giggled, trying not to fall over clinging on for dear life as I clung onto Tiffany. "I'm sorry." I mumbled knowing that there was a possibility of me remembering this the next day... how horrid. "I stopped by bar, nice man bought me drinks. I'm fresh." Fresh? Who even says tha--

"You're drunk and maybe high... I don't know." Tiffany hurriedly laid me on her bed with a disappointed yet worried stare.

“I feel like I’m dying.”

“Relax, you’re not gonna die.” She retorted as bluntly and as cold as I have ever heard her speak.

Oh don't stare at me like that please. I'm, "Sorry." I spat out as my eyes began to water up. Kim Taeyeon what has gotten into to you? Why am I so needlessly reckless?

"You'll be okay, I think." Tiffany sighs as she sits next to me, her gaze softening up as she began to my hair gently. It felt nice. "So is this what you go do at night when you're not at campus? Hmm? Drink, party, get high and hang with nice men?" I don't know if she had meant it that way, but it sounded extremely condescending.

"You don't know me..." I turned over to my side to avoid eye contact but I felt her hand sneak up underneath my shirt till she rested her hand on the flat part of my chest where my heart was located.

"Your heart is beating fast." She says. Just like me, Tiffany is different tonight. Bolder, confident, maybe even scary. "I hope you don't feel too bad tomorrow. Lab test in the morning." Her hand suddenly pulls away and I miss her touch. The immediate ache in my chest told me so. "Want me to lie down with you?"

I wonder for a second and in that fleeting moment I decided that yes, I had liked Tiffany. I think I liked almost everything about her. Except for the fact that I was everything that could ruin her.

"Is that even a question." I managed to say breathlessly as my brain began to shut down and my eyes shut.

I felt the mattress dip before I felt her arms snake around my waist. "You're perfect to me." She says to me as if she had read my mind.

"I wish I could agree."  

            The first thing I see when I wake up is Tiffany’s sleeping face just a few inches away from mine. She had me in the tightest bear hug ever it made me began to wonder if she hated being alone. Is that why she’s always up waiting for me?

Stop jumping to conclusions.

I would if she stopped being so damn clingy. I breathe out softly, maybe I don’t want her to stop.

            “Tiffany.” I whisper, her head was almost on my shoulder and her grip only got tighter. At this rate I’ll suffocate and die. I’m so dramatic, aren’t I?

            “Hm…”

I don’t understand why I was so shocked when I felt her grip loosen and her eyes start to flutter open, giving me that sleepy, lazy stare. It wasn’t my first time falling asleep with her in my arms but it was definitely the first time I felt my heart skip a beat or two just at the look of her face.

            “Test.” Is all I could manage to say. It was half past eight and class started in an hour and a half. She shifts on the bed, a little away from me and stretches out like a child. So endearing.

            “I don’t wanna…” She grumbles as she lies back down next to me and pulls the cover over our bodies—she snuggles up to me, “Let’s just stay like this forever.” She whispers softly and breathes out heavily.

            “Forever is a long time.” I say, amidst the jumbled and tangled up thoughts in my head. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. Not good but not bad.

            “But with you, that’s nothing.”

I was intrigued, “What do you mean by that?” I ask, half wanting an honest answer and half of me really not.

            “It’s just a figure of speech.” She dodges the question; can’t say I blame her though.

I’m scared too.

            “Are you comfortable?” I ask her, wanting to to ease the weird tension in the room.

            “I’m always comfortable around you.” Tiffany leans over me to reach her phone, “We still got some time.” She looks at me and puts her phone on lock, “Are you feeling okay? You look pale.” She pauses, “Well paler than normal.”

            “Rough night. I’m just tired.” I reply, trying my hardest not to stare directly at her, which is hard when her legs are tangled with mine and her sides are pressing into mine.

            “You always say that. But I don’t think it’s always the truth.” Here she goes again with her newfound boldness that I wasn’t sure I liked or didn’t at this moment. Especially in this moment.

            “Well…” I drag the word out as long as I rationally could before something inside of me told me to just push it, push the boundaries a bit. And maybe find that blurred line. “I was in deep, deep thought last night so I thought a bit of drinks and a few smoke sessions with some close friends would make me help me forget.”

            “Forget what? Deep thought in what?”

I quickly turned over to look at her, throwing away everything I had just thought to myself, “What’s up with the questions?” I didn’t mean to come off as defensive but I guess you could say it sounded that way.

Tiffany frowned, pursed her lips before them and said, “I care about you. I know you have this weird mysterious image, were you don’t really talk about your feelings. Although it’s not anything you should be ashamed of, right? It makes you human.”

I wasn’t expecting her to answer like that. For a moment I found myself speechless.

            “It depends.” I said, “Sometimes things are better left unsaid, including feelings—don’t you agree?”

She was silent for a moment or two, thinking carefully on how to answer I’m guessing.

            “Yes and no.” Of course typical Tiffany answer, “but when someone who genuinely cares about you and trusts you asks—what’s to stop you from answering? I feel like suppressing feelings, good or bad is idiotic and doesn’t help either of us.”

Either of us? Either of us.

            “Let’s get ready for class, Fany.” Before I could get up she quickly placed her lips on my forehead and time then, at least for me stopped.

            “I know. It’s okay, but remember I’m always here for you.”

I really hope you mean that, Tiffany.

            “I ing failed.” I groaned, throwing my head back in the utmost frustration I could possibly muster. “There goes my gpa…”

Tiffany had passed the lab test with flying colors although I’m not surprised, she actually pays attention and takes notes during class. Dammit.

            “It’s okay TaeTae, you can retake it next Monday…” I knew she felt bad because of the contrast of our academic ethics. But I found it cute, although I had bombed harder than—too early Taeyeon—too early. (Nor morally right lol)  

            “Yeah I know but it still , such a waste of time.” I pouted and continued to walk beside Tiffany out of the class room and outside.

            “Tae?” She ceased her steps, an arm clutching onto a book and she looked so pretty with her hair tied up.

            “Huh?” I asked, wondering why she was acting so serious out of nowhere.

            “I think I wanna go get a tattoo.”

I paused, mouth agape and eyelids fluttering. “Really? For real?” I asked, “When?”

Tiffany gave me this smile that reached her eyes and seemed mischievous yet playful. Like she had some big plan in her mind and she knew exactly how she was going to execute it. Or maybe I’m just over thinking.

            “Let’s go right now. Drop our things off at the dorm and let’s go to the same place you went to last time.” She sounded serious, mind made-up and ready to go. Somehow she had me smiling like crazy as well.

            “Okay then.” I said, accidently grabbing her free hand to hold. About to let go, she squeezed gently, as if she were asking me not to. And I could honestly say I was content. And that’s something I haven’t felt in a while. 

A/N: Hey guys hope you liked the semi short update this time in Taeyeon's pov. To you that have waited I am terribly sorry, but life and broken lap tops get in the way sometimes, right? Haha I plan on updating this more often in the next couple of months so I can give you guys a good ending. ALSO if anyone actually still reads this leave a comment so i know. If i dont get many comments ill assume people have forgotten about the story and move on, thank you! Have a great weekend guys.