Final
Effervesence of Love
Let’s just leave it to fate.
“Hey,” Baekhyun flashed me his charming smile as he slings his arm across my neck. I groaned. “Not again Baek, your arm feels like a truck crushing me down,” I scrunched up my nose, “gross.”
He laughed.
“Where’s Luhan?” He asked.
“He said that he’d meet us at the usual place.” The three of us, Baekhyun, Luhan, and I, or what Luhan calls the “three musketeers”(more like the three muskerdeers, I mean, just look at his face) have been together ever since 1st grade. We’ve been together since I-lost-control-of-my-bladder-and-peed-my-pants all the way till remember-the-time-I-peed-my-pants, 9th grade. It’s been eight years, and that’s pretty amazing, if I must say.
Baekhyun headed towards the back of our school, where there is a big field. I actually wonder why our school never uses the field. I guess I can say that it’s our school’s own mini nature made garden. There’s a small pond with fishes and tadpoles swimming in it at the corner of the field, and surrounding the pond are flowers. Colorful flowers, pink orange, green etc.. On the whole field are weeds, weeds that nobody bothered to pluck out. Luhan, Baekhyun and I found out about this field on the first day of orientation. There’s no reason why nobody really comes here, but it’s not like we care, in fact we like it, consider it our own place. After buying out lunch, Baekhyun and I both walked towards the big field and sat down under one of the tree. At out usual place, during our usual time.
“Hey,” Luhan shouted as he ran towards us, his hair bouncing as he ran. He panted as he stopped in front of us, hands on his knees. Baekhyun nodded at him as he took a bite out of his sandwich. I was just about to ask him where he went, until he interrupted me.
“Sorry, I can’t eat with you guys today, I promised Yoonmi to help her with math,” he said, as he straightened up and ran his fingers through his hair. I frowned. Yoonmin is the girl Luhan has been crushing on for the past two years. She’s really nice if I must say.
“That’s fine, you eat with us almost everyday, anyways,” I replied.
“I promise I’ll make it up to you guys someday!” Luhan said and smiled, then turned back and ran towards the school building again.
“Stop doing that,” Baekhyun grumbled.
“Doing what?”
“That. Stop hurting yourself because of him. “
That. Baekhyun is the only person who knows I have a crush on Luhan. Don’t ask me how he knew about it, because I don’t know either. he just said it’s a guy’s instinctive. It’s not just some tiny crush, it’s one of those crushes which goes on for years. It started out as infatuation, I started noticing all the tiny little details of him, the way his eyes crinkles when he smiles, how his jaw never seems to be closed; even when chewing; how he scrunches up his nose whenever he notices something odd, or how he would furrow his eyebrows whenever he copies notes off the whiteboard.
I smiled, with a hint of sadness on my face.
“Someday you’ll understand Baek, someday.”
“So how’d it go with Yoonmi yesterday?” I asked, my mouth full of noodles. Luhan made a face before he softly chuckled. I was never the kind who would be bothered of what other people think about me.
“Yesterday? Yesterday went pretty well, the little tuition was pretty helpful to her, at least that’s what she said. Oh! Which reminds me, I’ll be helping her again tomorrow after school.”
Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows.
“But tomorrow’s a Friday,”
“Yeah I know, I can always come after I’m done helping her. I’ll probably reach your house around 5+pm?”
Fridays. My favourite day of the week. Fridays is usually our bonding day. After school, we’d go to each other’s houses (we rotate whose house to go to) and just have a simple movie night all the way till 10+ in the evening, sometimes we even sleep over at the person’s house. Our parents doesn’t mind, especially mine, because we’re really close. And, also that one of our parents would be at home while we are watching the movies.
“Alright,” Baekhyun replied.
“Where the hell is he?” Baekhyun complained as he picked up his phone and dialed Luhan’s number. It’s already 7.45pm, we’ve been waiting for over an hour to start the movie. Baekhyun and I have been doing everything we could think of to keep ourselves from falling into boredom.
“Luhan, where the hell are you? We’ve been waiting for over an hour!”
………
“I- You- okay, nevermind, forget it, see you on Monday,” Baekhyun sighed as he ended the call.
“What did he say?” I asked, as I took opened a bag of doritos
“He said that after helping Yoonmi, they went out for frozen yoghurt together. He forgot about coming over”
This was a first. Luhan never forgets. He would always put us in front of any other of his friends.
“I guess it’s just you and me tonight, huh?” I said, as I played the movie on the television.
“Hey,” Luhan greeted as he caught up with me while walking along the hallways.
“How was movie night?”
“It was alright I guess, pretty fun, but it would have been more fun without you”
“Of course it won’t be as fun as me being there. It’s me you’re talking about here,”
I scoffed and whacked his arm.
“You know you love me,” he teased. I smiled, not because he’s cute, but because it’s true.
Friendship is not about who you’ve known for the longest, it’s about who walked into your life and said “I’m here for you,” and proved it.
For the next few weeks, Luhan has been neglecting us more and more. He’d spend recess time at the cafeteria, with Yoonmi and her friends instead of at the field, with us. Don’t get me wrong, I like Yoonmi and all, and this isn’t her fault. Not at all. But I just feel like Luhan’s picking her over us now. Call me selfish, but I don’t like it. And neither does Baekhyun. I understood the tuition thing, since exams were near, but now that it’s over, it’s just…different. We’re not the same as we used to be anymore.
“This ,” Baekhyun grumbled for the nth time, as he unwrapped his chicken sandwich.
“Yeah, it sure does.”
“I mean, how could he choose Yoonmi over us?”
“Mhmm”
“After all we’ve been through, all the pain and joy we’ve shared!”
“Yeap,”
“He left us! He abandoned us! We’re now alone now. He’s gonna grow up and marry Yoonmi and we’ll just be stuck with each other. Imagine being stuck with you!” Baekhyun cried.
“Yea- Hey!” I huffed, feeling a little offended and hurt. He laughed
“Just kidding, but seriously, Luhan’s getting a bit too overboard now.”
I could only nod my head in agreement.
There is darkness buried within you and I, within everybody.
Crossroads. People say we only have two choices, either move forward, or move backward. But there are crossroads too. You can go left, back, right, or front. You have choices, but it all depends if you make the right ones. Life is filled with threats and danger. We face those that we have to face, and there will be times when we must make the choice to act for the greater good, even at risk to ourselves, but we do not lay down our lives needlessly. Each of us has only one life to live, and one life to give. There is no glory in throwing it away where there is no hope. Perhaps this time, Luhan made the wrong one.
Luhan made me wait for over 2 hours in the cold winter weather. Thank God it wasn’t snowing at that time, otherwise I would’ve strangled him to death already.
I shivered as the cold wind blew past me. I pulled my scarf tighter around my neck as I cup my hands around the already-cold coffee. It was nearing winter, and that means that winter break is coming soon. It’s been two months. Two months of this nonsense, two months of putting up with Luhan’s .
I sighed, my breath immediately heating up the cold air in front of my mouth. I started to head back home. Luhan had decided to treat Baekhyun and I for a movie, saying that it’s a way for “making it up” to us. Baekhyun, however, backed out, saying that he had some important stuff to do. That sneaky little brat, but I’m thankful though. Little did I know that I had to wait for this long. We’ve agreed to meet up in front of the cinema near school at 2.30pm. Luhan has already booked the tickets for the 3 o’clock movie, so all I had to do was wait for him. but he never showed up. The movie had just ended, and I gave up waiting.
“Hey, no!” I heard Luhan’s voice as I started walking. I ignored him and sped up my pace, wanting to get to the bus stop, into the bus and back home to escape this cold.
“Hey,” he softly said, as he gently grabbed my elbow.
“What do you want, Luhan?” I snapped. I was sick and tired of this, sick and tired of all the things I have to put up.
“I-I’m sorry,” Luhan said. He was taken aback by my tone, since I’ve never talked to him like that. I looked straight into his eyes.
“No you’re not. If you were sorry, you wouldn’t be repeating the same mistake over and over again. God damn it Luhan, I’m just really tired of all of this okay. Baekhyun and I are tired of all this. We get it that you really want Yoonmi to like you, we understand, but think about us for once hm? Don’t make promises you can’t keep, and don’t apologize, if you’re just gonna do the same thing all over again.” I shrugged my elbow away from his grip and briskly walked towards the bus stop.
Luhan had a choice. No, he had choices. He could have spend time with us too, and not leave us in the dirt. He could have left us and go straight for Yoonmi. He could have kept his promise. But no, Luhan chose all but one. However, in life, he could only choose one. He shouldn’t have picked the two choices. He should have just stick to one. Because that’s the way life goes. If one makes the wrong choice, he goes back and make another one. But Luhan, he made two wrong choices, didn’t admit it, didn’t know the way out and yet carried on forward. He spent time with us, yes, but in a way, he left us too. Life would have been better for him, if he choose to make it better.
I remember once, two years ago, the three of us were lying down on the grass looking up towards the sky.
“Hm, if you were a star, which one would you be?” Baekhyun asked me. I scanned the sky. There were countless of stars, blinking and shining brightly.
“I would be that one,” I said, as I pointed to a star a little to the right, far from the rest.
“Why that?” Luhan asked, with a curious look on his face.
“Now may not be the time for that particular star to shine, but someday, it would shine just as bright as the others, maybe even brighter. Someday. All it just needs is time.” I replied.
“Someday. But if it’s not your time to shine yet, don’t worry, because we’ll be here to catch you.” Luhan replied, and I could tell that he was sincere, straight from the bottom of his heart.
“So how was it?” Baekhyun cheekily asked me as I took my books out of my locker.
“Horrible,” I muttered.
“What? Why?”
“He ditched me. He made me wait two whole hours in the cold and by the time he came, the movie was long over.”
“Did he say why?”
“No, we had a talk though”
“You know, it’s not counted as a talk if you were the only one talking,” Baekhyun teasingly said.
“Oh, shut it you.”
Baekhyun laughed and slung his arm around my shoulders.
“Come on, let’s get to class.”
“ "What is depression like?" he whispered.
"It's like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing" “
For the past few months, Luhan had been avoiding me. Winter break was over, and the three of us didn’t even hang out. Not even during lunch or recess time. We didn’t eat together like the usual. Now, it’s just Baekhyun and I while Luhan goes to eat with Yoonmi and her friends. So much for being the three muskerdeers
“So I’ll come by your house tonight? I’ll bring the movies,” Baekhyun said as he leaned on the locker besides mine. It was recess time, and I was putting the books of my morning lessons inside my locker.
“Yeap, okay.”
“Is Luhan coming?” He asked. I was about to reply but in came Luhan strolling down the hallways, with Yoonmi. They were holding hands. I guess this could only mean one thing. Baekhyun followed my eyes and frowned. Luhan saw us, but he turned his head away towards Yoonmi, saying something, which made her laugh. Baekhyun studied my face and then grabbed my hand and led me to our place. We sat down against the big tree, our backs against the trunk.
“You told me that someday I would understand. But I still don’t. can’t he see how much you’re doing for him?” Baekhyun asked.
I sadly smiled.
“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were. Let’s just see where fate leads us.”
It’s so hard to move on when you still care
The next few months were torture. But I kept it in. After the two declared being a couple, the news spread like wildfire. They were like the new “it” couple. Seeing Luhan and Yoonmi holding hands, kissing, sharing small talks with each other hurts. But I guess I just have to deal with it. It’s already our senior year, and I doubt we both would be going to the same university. But I don’t want our senior year to end like this. I don’t want it to end not being “friends” with Luhan. Luhan and I right now, we’re like “we’re friends but at the same time, we’re not”. I don’t like it one bit.
Then one day, I saw Luhan walking into class. Yoonmi wasn’t with him. She only came in 15 minutes later. The atmosphere between them didn’t look good. I wanted to go up and talk to Luhan, but the teacher came in and announced that there was gonna be a pop quiz. I hate pop quizzes. They just spring on you without knowing. No warning, no announcement, nothing. Don’t you find it how little things like this relate so much to life?
“So, Luhan told me that he had a fight with Yoonmi yesterday.”
Ah, their first fight I guess.
“He said it was about how Yoonmi was too overcontrolling. Weird though, she doesn’t seem like that type.” Baekhyun continued. I just nodded my head in response. Even though Luhan and I aren’t talking anymore, Baekhyun and him still talk. I mean, their guys, they would still be friends, unless it’s those “oh you stole my girlfriend” and other . Baekhyun would update me on Luhan, i didn’t ask him though, he just thought that I should know.
Finally came the day when Luhan and Yoonmi broke up. It wasn’t long after their first fight. It’s only been like what 6 months? That’s quite pathetic, if I must say. Apparently, Luhan couldn’t take anymore of Yoonmi’s over control-ness so, needless to say, they broke up.
It was during recess time when I saw this familiar brown-haired boy, head on his arms, on his bent knees, leaning against the tree trunk. He heard us coming and looked up. His face broke into a wide grin. I missed that. He stood up as we approached him.
“Hey,” he breathed out. I stayed silent, as Baekhyun greeted him back. I sat my tray on the grass and sat down.
“I’ll go buy a drink first. Do you guys want anything? ...No? ...Fine, so much for being nice,” Baekhyun grumbled. It was just Luhan and I now. He sat down opposite me, as I began to unwrap my sandwich. Yeah, it seems like the only thing nice our school sells are the sandwiches.
“So…how have you been?” Luhan asked softly. I scoffed and took a bite out of my sandwich. Luhan sighed.
“Look, I’m really sorry for acting this way. I really didn’t realize until after you talked me out of my senses. I…I’m sorry.” Now it’s my turn to sigh.
“Luhan, we’re your friends. No, best friends, so we’ll always be here for you no matter what, alright?”
Luhan chuckled.
“I know. Imagine if you fell in love with Baekhyun or I, or Bakehyun and I fell in love with you. How awkward it would be.”
“Yeah, awkward,” I muttered, as I felt a stab to my heart.
There is a reason for everything. And the reason for this is maybe he doesn’t love me as much as he loved her.
Graduation is just next week. I’ve learnt to put my feelings away for luhan aside and focus more on my studies. Well, at least I tried. I’ve already secured a spot at Seoul National University, along with Baekhyun. Luhan had plans to go back to China after graduation since the last time he went back was 4 years ago. He’s staying there for good now, saying that his parents want him back home, however he’ll come back to visit us from time to time. Of course, when I first heard the news, I was devastated. I cried myself to sleep, knowing that he would be leaving, leaving without knowing my feelings for him. But over the next few days, I realized that I could do nothing about it. Fate really is funny; it leads us into circles, before directing us to the right path. Luhan would be leaving tonight and would be skipping graduation. He had already collected his certificate from the school though.
“Hey you,” Luhan said with that charming smile of his. He ruffled my hair and I let him. we were at the departure gates, sending him off. I wrapped my arms around his waist, and he wrapped his arms around me. I leaned my head on his chest, as I mumbled,
“I’m gonna miss you”
He sighed.
“I’m gonna miss you, too”
I broke off the hug and stared into his eyes.
“Promise me you’re coming back to visit us?”
He laughed.
“I promise.
We hooked our pinkies.
“Hey man, come back soon, alright?” Baekhyun said.
“I will, take care of her for me,” Luhan said as he nodded his head towards me, ”you know how she can get”
Baekhyun laughed.
“Of course I will, of course.”
Luhan’s flight was called over the speaker. He’s leaving now.
“I guess this is goodbye…for now,” Luhan sadly said.
I gave him one last hug, and he turned to walk into the departure hall after letting the security check his passport and ticket. He stopped for a second, before turning around. I gave him a curious look, while he gave us one of his brightest smiles I’ve ever seen.
“I love you! I will be back, I promise!”
With that, he walked into the departure hall, away from me, away from us.
Well, that’s Luhan for you, and for me.
I’ll just leave it to Fate to decide our fate together.
If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
― Kahlil Gibran
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