The girl put her weight on her left foot, then her right and back to the left and fiddled with her fingers behind her back. If the boy she was confessing to wasn’t a friend, if he wasn’t somebody she knew, if he based his preferences on appearances, he might have accepted her.

She was pretty, her wavy auburn hair let down and her fringe cleanly pinned up. Her small pale face had large eyes; her long straight nose and thin pink lips making her look more like a doll than a human. She wore no makeup, her skin clear as crystals and her long eyelashes fluttered nervously.

She was tall for a Chinese, only 10 centimeters shorter than the boy she loved. In her confession she said she liked him, but as a matter of fact, she didn’t. She loved him. She was 19 this year, and he was only 2 months older than her. He was in a blue cardigan, his pure white shirt totally representing his simplistic nature and she smiled wistfully.

The boy before her kept quiet, and she sighed.

“I told you not to force it out of me. I told you that it would be risky, yet you wouldn’t listen to me. And you have Jessica. Don’t you wonder why I’m steering clear of you? It’s because I’m trying to forget my feelings. But you, you stupid kid, just had to bounce your merry way over and make me go on that rollercoaster all over again.

“I hate you, Luhan. I hate you so much that I… I can’t even dislike you.” Her words contradicted herself and she squeezed her eyes shut, ignoring the sharp stabs at her chest. For all she knew, he was happy with his first girlfriend. She didn’t like that girl. It was as simple as that, but if he loved her she would support them.

Because that’s what best friends do, don’t they?

“I like you too, Hana… but only as friends. I’m—I’m sorry. Can we remain as best friends?” I knew it. I knew he would say something like that. The momentary pain had the potential to blacken her vision, but that wasn’t physical pain. If only she could black out like that. If only it was that simple.

She knew they were only friends. At the same time, she wished for more yet there was nothing she could do about it. How do you make a person fall in love with you? The answer is simple: you can’t.

Hana wanted to move on. She was desperate to do so. But she couldn’t, not when the boy she’d fallen for was the only person she could see. If he were the Sun, she would be the Earth. Her world orbited around his.

“Sure. It’s just liking; I’ll get over it. Best friends?” If only we weren’t best friends. If only I knew him through family relations. She forced her tears back. If she were to pick one thing she was good at, it would have to be her acting. She could force tears out in a mere second and let them dry up inside her eyes in another. That very skill came in handy at times like this, and she smiled softly. If only.

“Let’s not be awkward after this.” He put her thumb out and she hooked her index finger around it. It was their special way of promising something, and the person with the index finger will always hold the person putting the thumb out to the promise.

 

 

The rain poured down, as though someone was standing on her roof and continuously overturning buckets of water. Hana stared out of her window, just watching birds fly into their nests and seeking shelter from the rain. The squirrels ran up the tree and came back down, scampering in circles and she giggled softly.

She used the love the rain. The sound of raindrops making their way down the roof tiles, concrete walls, her glass windows, and finally gently landing on the pale green grass at her doorstep.

To say it didn’t hurt would be lying, not a day passed by without her heart breaking. She had to see the couple feed each other in the cafeteria, hook arms on the way to lectures, even their kisses during lunch breaks. It was painful, no other word to describe it.

She would gladly carve her heart out if it stopped the pain, but no. She wouldn’t.

“Honey! Sehun’s here!”

“Alright, let him wait!” It was their annual Sadie-Hawkins dance and this was the first dance she’s participated in, where the girl proposed and the boy accepted. If only Luhan hadn’t—no, Hana. Don’t. Sehun’s here tonight, and Luhan has Jessica. She knew she was being unfair, but what could she do?

She watched as the boy’s mouth flopped open. He was in his last year of high school, and if she had to come up with a ranking on the many boys’ positions in her heart, Sehun came second. And no matter how hard he tried, he would only remain there.

She was in a midnight blue dress with purple highlights, her hair down with no clips at all. The heels were white, and though it seemed like a weird combination everything looked great together. She hoped she looked fine, and judging from Sehun’s reaction she did.

He was handsome as usual, his expensive grey suit matching his golden-brown eyes and she smiled, letting her mother take photos of them.

She hoped he noticed her. She really hoped so.

 

 

She knew it. She knew she shouldn’t have went for the dance; she should’ve just faked an illness and stayed at home. That way, she wouldn’t have to practically get thrown into boiling oil and onto the road to get driven over. That was precisely how she felt.

Seeing Jessica made her cringe every time. That girl was pretty, but Hana never liked her. Maybe she was just being a jealous , but she really never felt anything positive for her. Neither did Sehun, but she didn’t know why.

If it was because of Hana, she appreciated it. But she didn’t want him to.

That girl was so skinny it made Hana feel fat, but she knew she was healthy. As a sportsperson, she knew exactly what was good and what was bad, but seeing the boy she loved with a pile of mere bones made her wonder if she was too unappealing for him. Stop it, Hana; stop thinking about it.

It was as though that girl knew her thoughts as she finally crossed the line. Pulling Luhan over, she locked their lips together and Hana quickly looked away. He didn’t even look at me when I walked in. While everyone was gawking, he was busy doing god knows what.

It was too overwhelming and she finally couldn’t take it anymore. She wasn’t good enough for him—that she knew. She wasn’t skinny, she wasn’t into fashion, she wasn’t polished, she wasn’t sophisticated, and she wasn’t womanly enough. Even now, she only wore light makeup. Her heels couldn’t even be called heels, and the only difference to her hairstyle was that her fringe was down.

She was just bland to him.

The tears threatened to overflow and she gasped. Apparently, even her best trait was failing her. Excusing herself, she left the hall.

 

 

“Better now?” The boy raised his glass and she smiled softly, clinking her glass with him.

“Much better. Thanks.” The two became quiet again, sharing a peaceful and comfortable silence and Hana sniffed. His suit was on the railing, and she closed her eyes, enjoying the gentle breeze. Thank God it’s not raining. If it were, putting the boy slightly older than her to the back of her mind would be as difficult as carving her heart out. Well, I suppose I already have experienced it emotionally. Damn.

“Is this… does this have alcohol?” She suddenly turned her head; her frown obvious and the boy blushed softly, the guilt showing on his face.

“No. Definitely not.” Hana laughed despite the pain she was trying to ignore, and clicked her tongue.

“You’re underage, Sehun. You basically sneaked in and you’re going to drink something with alcohol in it? I don’t think—” His finger had somehow gotten the courage to place itself at her lips, and she gasped so softly she doubted he could hear it.

Looking up, she met his soft brown eyes. They had darkened over the night, yet the sadness was suffocating her and she tried to look away.

‘Hun.’

‘Shh.’ She was too weak to fight him, and she bit her lip hard enough to draw blood. He continued leaning in, one hand holding her face and the other holding the hand without the glass. He paused a millimeter away from touching her lips and she closed her eyes, letting a tear out.

‘I don’t feel that way about you, Sehun. Please don’t hurt yourself.’ It was so painful, watching somebody go through the exact same pain as she was and she pushed against his strong hold but he didn’t pull away.

“Why not? Why him, but not me?” His voice rose to nearly a shout and she pushed back again, using all her strength this time round.

“Just let me try, Hana. I’m… not that kid you had to protect from bullies anymore. I’m old enough, strong enough to protect you now. Hana.” His eyes were bright with tears and she could nearly feel him breaking in her hands. And she knew it was all her fault. Everything was her fault.

She wasn’t good enough for Luhan, and neither was she worthy enough of this boy’s love and she didn’t make a sound, only focusing on making him let go. If he really did anything, his heart wouldn’t be able to handle the result.

“Sehun! Don’t—” Strong, dry lips met soft frozen ones and she pushed back. With every step she took back, he moved forward and in just a few seconds, she was pressed against the wall. Her hands meant to get him off her, but her fingers clawed into his shirt and her tears finally made their way out of her enclosing eyes, to her cheeks, her chin and, like graceful ballerinas, made their mark on her dress. The parts where the salty liquid met stained the midnight blue an even darker shade, and she let a whimper out.

“Did I hurt you?” Frantic eyes met pained ones and she wanted to scream out loud. No, you didn’t. I’m the one hurting you right now Sehun. The words wouldn’t come out of and she her lip, tasting something salty.

“I’m sorry. I’m really—” He kissed her again, letting the aftertaste linger in both their mouths and she could only feel more and more apologetic. This time, she didn’t resist. She let him do what he wanted, but didn’t do anything to spur him on either. She simply stood still, motionless.

‘Don’t be.’ He pecked her lips again, staring right into her eyes.

“I didn’t get to say this earlier on, but you look beautiful tonight. Even with red eyes, you do. Park Hana, I love you. It’s already been 3 years, and I really do love you. Please be my girlfriend.” His earnest eyes shone with such sincerity it hurt, and she nearly burst out in tears again.

“Don’t. Don’t be sorry, Hana. Nobody is at fault here—I know how pessimistic you can get. We practically grew up together; I know you the best. Please just,” he held her hands, lacing their fingers together. “Please give me a chance.”

With those truthful eyes gazing into hers, there was no way she could reject him and she looked down.

‘Okay.’

 

 

The past few weeks were torture to her. At first, she thought she would crumble under everything. Really, she wasn’t good enough for Sehun but he waited for her after school, brought her on dates that she knew she would never have with Luhan.

And somehow, she liked them.

Now, she was worried the peace of mind she had gotten would all go to waste and remembered the exact same scene half a year ago. Like back then, she was shifting her weight on different feet but this time round, the boy was the one speaking.

“Hana, it’s the last day of school. Do you… want to go anywhere? Just us,” he quickly clarified with his hands put out, “nobody else.” It seemed so tempting to her, but she couldn’t. She had a date with Sehun.

“I have something on.” Even now, she couldn’t tell him she had a boyfriend. Perhaps she was afraid. Or maybe she wanted to leave a space for him. Either way, she knew it was wrong. His eyes flickered in understanding, and she looked away before she could see anything she didn’t want to in them.

“Alright then. C’mon, it’s getting late.” He cocked his head to the left, the simple gesture making her stomach churn and she kept her face void of emotions, turning around to leave the rooftop. Stop dreaming, Hana. He’s not going to call you back. Just when she thought so, a cold, trembling hand grabbed her forearm and she gasped when it pulled her back.

“You said you liked me half a year ago. Do you still feel that way?” She kept quiet, her eyes focusing on the clouds in the sky. They felt so carefree it irked her and she glared at the boy, pulling her arm out of his grasp.

“Who knows?” The sudden surge of anger surprised her, but she was glad for it. “Why are you even asking this anyway? Am I just a second choice, a toy you can turn to when you get bored? Luhan, you can just dream on.” Just as she wished to be carefree like the clouds, she realized she couldn’t. The rain began pouring down in buckets and in less than a minute they were both soaked. It wasn’t like she’d never seen a drenched Luhan before, but every time she did it sent a wave of emotions through her. A painful one.

And it only served to remind her of her feelings for him—ones that she thought she’d carefully hidden into a drawer, kept under lock and key.

“I really think I mean nothing to you, Luhan. Go back to your Jessica. For goodness’ sake, leave me alone!” She shook his hands off her shoulders once again, the cold touch contrasting to her warm skin. His head was hung, and she wanted to simply turn and leave but couldn’t. I love him. I still do.

“Hana.” He grabbed her hands and the move made her think about the boy who was probably already waiting outside the school gates. It made her feel disloyal, but it was strange how the thought of being unfaithful to Luhan, of all people, hurt her more. She struggled, the rain making their skins slippery but he only pulled her hands back into his again.

“Hana! Just ing listen to me!” The boy slammed her against the wall, growling. Hearing him curse was a first for her and her eyes widened, finally meeting his intense gaze. The Sun hiding behind the heavy clouds was shining merrily brightly, highlighting Luhan’s outline and if she could, she would’ve his cheek. He looked like an angel.

Maybe that was what he was—an angel with the heart of a devil.

“I’m sorry, Hana. If I have hurt you the past few years because of my—my foolishness, I apologize now. But I really, really want to know one thing. Do you still like me?” His eyes were determined to dig an answer out of her and she finally gave in, nodding her head reluctantly. She watched as something near relief flooded into his eyes and frowned. Before she could react, soft wet lips met her cold ones.

The mere touch was electrifying, and she unconsciously melted into it. It was calming yet exciting, desperate yet slow and she loved it. For now, she threw everything she cared about out of the window, ignoring the guilt from leaving the poor boy waiting for her, ignoring how she had made herself remain as friends with him, ignoring the fact that he had a girlfriend; not bothering about how wrong this was.

He let go of her hands and she waited for his next move. The cold arms that made their way around her waist, pulling her closer only made her lose all her self-consciousness, forgetting herself into the kiss as her arms wrapped around his neck, her fingers burying themselves in his golden-brown locks of hair like she’d always wanted to.

His skin was cold, yet his neck was flushed and she loved it. She loved how his body temperature was naturally low, she loved how he laughed softly into the kiss, how they would pause to catch a breath and continue with it. It felt like she was on a rollercoaster she didn't sign up for, never knowing where they would end up and she loved it.

Even if she had to pretend nothing happened the next time they meet.

Nevertheless, she laughed when their lips separated for good and he laughed too, their teeth knocking and he grinned at her gasp of pain.

“I’m sorry, Hana. I really am.” He reached out, his cold fingers meeting her soft, warm cheek that had gotten colder in the rain and smiled. The very expression looked more like a grimace, and she frowned.

“You don’t have to pity me, Luhan. You have that bi—girl. What did that kiss even mean?” She was hopeful again, no matter how much she hated it. She hated the tornado-like emotions that washed over her whenever they were around. She hated it, yet could do nothing about it. She couldn’t hate him.

“I didn’t mean to insult you, Hana. It’s… hard to explain and I can’t, because I don’t have enough time, and because I simply can’t. I just need to know if you’ll still like me after 3, 4 years. Tell me honestly.” The very words screamed warnings at her, the bright red not alerting her enough and she swallowed nervously.

Everything was too uncertain. Too many questions were not being answered. Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to shake her head.

“Maybe.”

I’ll still love you.

The rain continued to pour.

 

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So there. As usual, there'll probably be a poll on the next page :)