Kai wonders sometimes if this is precisely what he wants. Of course the first aim was to dance and that thought had always kept him content enough. And then, naturally the perks were girls throwing themselves at him, a fair amount of money being paid to him, being able to travel etc. But sometimes, he thinks, there is a limit. Sometimes, he thinks, people should stop themselves before they cross a border. Sometimes, he thinks, sometimes fear consumes him at the thought that so many can think and feel and do the same thing and forget that he is a person.

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He calls it the sasaeng line because he sees it at concerts when they are the ones standing nearest the front nearly spilling over, but using stools regardless. They are the ones that try and break away from security to attempt to slap one of them or shove a camera in their face. They are the ones who sleep and live on newspaper, like dogs outside their dorms to catch a candid picture. They are the ones who curse him out for his on stage demeanour in the hopes that he will remember them. They are the ones who won’t let him sleep at night because he can hear them outside the dorm.

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Kyungsoo asks if they can share a room and Kai willingly agrees because they are both the same. Kyungsoo doesn’t rest unless Kai is in the room with him, the thought of people watching doesn’t let him. Kai is the only one that understands his fear and the only one that will tolerate his incessant chatter late at night because he hears a sound and can’t get the thought of sasaengs out of his head.

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He logs on calmly today, ready to reply to some fan emails when he sees the picture plastered all over the interwebs. Kai doesn’t quite believe it, he doesn’t quite want to, so he laughs before enlarging the picture and then stopping dead. It’s Zitao in a gown on the balcony of a hotel. Kai thinks that to anyone else this must be amusing really, to anyone else it’s a ridiculous picture passing by, to anyone else it’s just some Asian guy at a hotel in a bath robe – no big deal. To Jongin, this is something he can’t let Kyungsoo see, to Jongin this is strong enough to make him dry heave, because Jongin knew they could be anywhere, but now Jongin knows, they can be everywhere.

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On average Kai gets about 2 hours of sleep. Minus 10 minutes to shower and change. 1 hour 50 minutes. But he can’t grab it today, it’s so elusive and he knows exactly why. He chuckles to himself, a desperate noise that sounds like he’s about to break. His hands start to shake as he realises why Changmin hyung went to therapy. Horror grips him so hard that he feels like he’s having an asthma attack. He can’t have them know about his life, he’s made big mistakes; he has secrets that he can’t let anyone know. What if they break into his old house? What if they find all his private things? Photos that he doesn’t want seen, boxes that are hidden from even his mum, that letter that’s under his mattress, those videos of his sisters dressing him up and putting make-up on him? The list becomes something to laugh at after a while, but Kai finds nothing funny when he hears them settling down for the night outside the dorm room door.

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Kyungsoo speaks out about the issue at an interview; however Kai thinks it unwise to show weakness so early on in the cycle. Especially because of the next day in LA. He looks out of the hotel room window and feels sick, Chanyeol asks him what's wrong. He can only say that he’s seen her face before, they’ve followed them here.

Not the greatest ending :S

Also it was DBSK's (now JYJ's) Yoochun that was slapped by a sasaeng, back in the day.

Hmm. I feel like I'm on a touchy subject. So I'm gunna go.

Ciao. ~Solar94