He made it into the cut. There were 6 of them including himself and they were push out for the world to see and love. His band's popularity grew within a short period which is a quite a surprising thing since they are a rookie group. Everyone was paying attention to them. Everybody wants a slice of them. They were everywhere! Everyone is going crazy for them. I, of course jumped on the bandwagon and become a crazy fangirl myself because I just want to be supportive of what he is doing. It always amazed me how things changed within a period of time. I wanted to be there from the start till the ends while watching all the progress they have go through. I know I can’t truly be right beside him when he is going through all this, but I just wanted to see the progress myself and be happy for him that he finally made it. 

I watched many of their performance and interview. It’s kinda funny how it looks like he is talking to me instead of the interviewer. Maybe I miss him a little too much that I’m becoming more delusional day by day. We might talk about a lot of things when we meet each other at the park, but I realize that I don’t know him enough. Every interview that he did, they managed to surprise me by the little information that he let loose. I realize that I’m just like all the other fangirls, discovering him piece by piece as he let himself loose little by little in front of the camera. That make me wonder if I make any effort to know this man that I claim to love. It makes me doubt my own believes of myself. Do I truly know you, Bang Yong Guk?

Out of the many interviews I watched, it was the one that he talks about his ideal types that really got me thinking. He said he loves a girl that virtues, has moral, look really sweet and girly. And I look at myself and I don’t see either of this. I wasn’t what he wanted. I wasn’t even close to what he wanted. I felt somewhat hurt because I am not what he wanted. It’s almost like he like me because I’m second best. The only way I can comfort myself from this pain is to tell myself that he is lying to the whole world because he needed to be this awesome leader that everyone expect him to be. I don’t even want to go through the process of asking him if what he say in this interview are true, because thinking about it was enough to make me suicidal.

One day, I opened the television to see the man of my dreams performing. He definitely looks better than ever.  That grin of his face is beautiful. I felt so happy for him to be able to achieve his goal because I know that this meant so much for him.  His group’s performance was the best. They were awesome from the beginning to end. Choreography was right on the beat, their singing was great, it was just awesome! And I was fangirling like every other fan in this world. And then that thought hit me.

Should I be with him?

Can I deal with the loneliness that has been eating me these past few years when he’s not here?

Can I stand the amount of attention that he will be receiving when he’s famous?

Am I perfect enough to be with such angel?

Am I his ideal type?

Did he really love me?

Can I withstand the whole pressure that I’m putting myself through?

Am i? Can i?

Will i?

I honestly don’t know.........