It's was a journal with no return... a dead end, a promising adventure with no ticket to come back  or an end full of stars. It was a place that resembled the reality that I tried to live day by day, and that I couldn’t help but feel sorry to know that the mere thought of a paradise - a land full of flowers and more smiles than tears - was forbidden for an absurd mind like yours - like mine - A mind full of regret and guilty. People that no longer belong to these place - this land, this world, this dream... - no longer belong to the place where their feet´s had leave them. As fallen angels in a paradise that they don't want.

They are different worlds, I once told myself. Worlds separated for a thin red line that we are not allowed to cross, because it’s beyond the limits. The punishment of the heaven.

His world and mine are different – his paradise and mine are too -

His words don't have the same meaning as mines, his subtle touch don't mean the same thing that my complacency looks… or the fears in his eyes. It goes beyond us, he told me once when we stayed alone in the apartment and the silence fell upon us like a bucket of cold water.

It’s not the same; he said when I bit my lower lip to shut up my answer.

My world and yours are different, so your feelings are different too, I thought at the same time he shared a look with me. He intertwined our fingers together. My thoughts never came out, so... they never really exist...


- maybe they doesn't exist -


They are fictional emotions – maybe not even emotions – they are a nameless thing that have a clear meaning for me. They make a meaning to the human form that I see in my eyes and that I wish I would never let it go. It motivated my world. A world that fell and broke like a dream… a dream in which it seems that I have to open my eyes, without even dreaming – nightmare, maybe – a place where our worlds come together as one and I can do and say wherever I want, without feel the fear of being hurt for his words, his actions. 

“We can't, I don't want to...” he whispers to himself. Motivated by the confusion in his eyes I would like to think that he is fighting with himself and that in the end, we will finish happily embraced as a cruel twist of fate.  And yet...

I should give up and stop fighting, stop fighting with his world and start building one for the both of us. Or just start destroying mine and wait for him to receive me in his. I should give up and wait – more than I waited already - 

“I'm sorry...” he whispers in my ear, causing shivers in my back. 

“I'm sorry” he repeat softly while kissing my cheek and then my lips, stopping a measly seconds full of regret before decided to deepen a kiss that would end in more. 

I know that it's not what I want, I know that I can't have it, I know how this will end. It's a circle after all. A circle that I'm afraid of breaking because I'm afraid that he will stop loving me – stop needing me – knowing that he needs me – that I need him – it feeds my soul. 

We grow up together and we split now – maybe before – thinking that finally our dreams will come true, that the dreams of the five of us were satisfied, while the two of us aspired to something more personal – or maybe it was just me - 

We stop being what we were, we stop being Seung Hyun and Jiyong. We stop being childhood friends and lovers. We are stars now. Stars and strangers. United by the sky that some random person see from another galaxy.

Strangers who would not have the opportunity to meet. T.O.P and G-dragon live in different worlds, and that is a fact that will never change...

At some point I will stop running for this interminable circle, I will stop to breath, I will stop to look around and disillusioned myself with what I see. In some point I'll do it – lie – and I will turn into ash falling in winter. I will stop running, I'll stop walking, I'll stop needing you, I'll stop holding on, I'll stop breathing and I'll forget all of this...

But today I succumb again to his kisses, his touch, his desire and my need. I will let me be possessed for this thing that grow up with nameless feelings in a heart that is not longer beating – a heart lock up in a glass jar, unable to grow -... I will sigh again in his ear and moan his name when he just decide to bit my neck, thirsty for his own lust. I will ask for more and bit my lips, ashamed of my actions, and then this will be the end of all. And we'll be like before...

“Is because I don't love you...”

This will end and my head will be weigh more into your chest, forgetting the spark of pain that cross my eyes and your face. Because you can't even lie well. Lie to us. 

“I don't love you enough...” you will add tentatively and in a whisper when you not receive a pained look almost in tears as answer from me.

“You hear me?”

“Umh”

They are different worlds I repeat myself once again, losing the count of the times I thought the same sentence today. They are different people – strangers – trapped in that tiny red line. They are two mind in one, unable to decide in which adventure travel since they cannot be against each other. They are the past memories which keep us together - those that bind him against me – they are naive promises that never come true – the "forever" and "I love you" – forgotten deep inside the head like simple concept of the mind...

We will separate to look at each other, lost, like now. Then, the others footsteps will be heard outside the door – his steps and laughter – and I will smile like now, I will kiss your cheek before I leave and hide myself in my room, out of the reach of words that no longer exist in your mouth. The words that will end all of this and that doesn’t care anymore. They don’t have a reason to exist. Cuz it doesn't matter how much that three words mean to me – how much I need it – he will not feel the same – never will – he is not the same person.

“I'm sorry” I hear before I close my door, and I can only chuckle to hear you laugh – everybody laugh – and leave me.

...