FIRST LOVE

One of the worst things that can happen to a person
is to be forgotten by someone he/she will never forget.

 

 

 

 

“No. Go away.”

“I won’t.”

“Leave me. Don't hang out with me. Y-y-you will be bullied too.”

“I don’t care.”

“I’m gay.”

“I know.”

Baekhyun cried all night; his face buried in his best friend’s chest while his body was being wrapped gently and tightly by the boy’s arms.

 

 

***

 

At the age of 12, Baekhyun struggled with his uality. He developed feelings which were forbidden. Being attracted to the same was not within the acceptable limits in Korea. People get bullied by their peers; disowned by their family; hated by many. Baekhyun had feared it all.

It was an uphill battle for BAekhyun and the time Baekhyun had twisted and turned all the possible escapes and he knew he there was no exit, with a clenching heart, he accepted his fate. Realizing he was becoming a person that will be disgusted by many, he detached himself from his peers; avoiding their judging eyes and and not wanting to hear their hurtful words. He tried his best to hide the change that has happened.  But still, the transformation was noticeable.

All the things he feared were slowly ganging up on him. He was being eaten alive by the pressure.

Walking alone along the school corridors was one of the things Baekhyun hated the most. The persons whom he called friends were suddenly become the leaders of his haters. He always wondered, what is wrong with being gay? I’m not different. I’m just being me.

But being who you are was not enough, Baekhyun learned it the hard way.

 

“.” Baekhyun heard an obnoxious voice coming from behind.

“Why is he even here?”

More insults were directed at Baekhyun, making sure every word were percied into his mind. He kept his head bowed down and fought the urge to cry. He sped up his steps, not wanting to listen to the harshness of his so called peers.

Not minding the path, Baekhyun continued to walk as he escaped the words coming from everyone's mouths until he bumped into someone.

 

“You !” And Baekhyun felt his body being pushed to the wall, his back stumbling into the hard concrete. Baekhyun knew that once again, he would suffer either a punch in the face or his stomach.

“Stop.” Baekhyun heard a familiar voice - clear and strong. Suddenly, his right arm was being grabbed and his body was being pulled out of the hallway.

When they reached a secluded place in the school, Baekhyun started to breathe regularly again.

“Are you hurt? Did they hurt you?”

“I’m fine.” Baekhyun smiled, I’m always fine because I know you’ll be there.

“You sure? Nothing hurts?”

Baekhyun wanted to answer the question so badly. He wasn’t hurt when he was pushed strongly on the wall. He wasn’t affected that much when hurtful remarks ring in his ears. What hurts wass the fact that the person he loves the most will never love him back. His heart hurts so badly. But Baekhyun only nodded.

“Don’t mind them.”

“I know. I won’t” The smile won't leave Baekhyun's face because once again, his best friend was here, with him, protecting him. “Thanks Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol ruffled Baekhyun’s hair while showing his 100 watt smile, “That’s what friends are for.”

Baekhyun smiled too wide, he always did but he doesnt remember anymore if he was smiling because Chanyeol was theer for him or because he was smiling because he should be so that he can hided the pain while his heart breaks into million little pieces.

 

 

When Baekhyun gets bullied, Chanyeol protects him.

When Baekhyun cries, Chanyeol holds him.

 

 

“Why are you being kind to me Chanyeol?” Baekhyun suddenly asked during one of their study sessions in the library.

Chanyeol has the ability to  make Baekhyun feel at ease and he always does. The taller boy only patted the smaller's head, “You’re like my little brother that I never had.”

“But I’m older than you.”

“But I’m taller.”

Baekhyun smiled gratefully but deep inside, he wished for more. He wished for something he knew he can’t have, he won’t have. Chanyeol will never be his. Chanyeol isn’t gay. 

 

 

Baekhyun found himself in front of Chanyeol’s house soaked in water with a bruise on his face and a wound on his left arm.

He hesitated to press the doorbell; doesn’t want to disturb his friend. Baekhyun fought the tears that threatened to fall. He was one step away from pressing the button when the door suddenly opened. His body became numb and the pain from all the punched he had suffered was abruptly gone was replaced by a different kind of pain - his heart was burning.  Chanyeol was laughing while holding a girl’s hand. They were beyond happy and Baekhyun tried to step back. Seeing Chanyeol happily in love was more painful than a few beatings from his father; more sorrowful than the words spitted at him. Because it was unbearable to know that you love someone who can never be yours.

“Baekhyun?”

Before Baekhyun could ran, Chanyeol saw him.

“Oh my God!” Baekhyun heard the girl beside Chanyeol. “What happened to him?”

Chanyeol quickly grabbed Baekhyun's hand and carefully pulled him into the house. “What happened?” The concern evident in Chanyeol’s voice.

“I’ll go get towels.” The girl excused herself.

“It happened again. It really happened again, why didn’t you call me?” Chanyeol’s hands were gently Baekhyun’s face.

“I don’t w-want to disturb you.” And BAekhyun's voice cracked, he wasnt sure because he was afarid or because he was hurt.

“Damn it Baekhyun! How many times do I have to tell you? No matter how busy I am, I will make time for you. And , you’re hurt, you’re wounded, and you won’t even try calling me?” 

“I’m sorry.”

“How long since you were like this. Don’t lie.”

“4 hours.”

“! You’re standing outside for 4 hours? In the ing rain!”

Chanyeol sat down beside him, one hand on top of Baekhyun’s head.

“Please Baekhyun, next time, call me. Call me every time. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

Baekhyun just nods.

 

 

 

“Do you like someone Baekhyun?” Chanyeol suddenly asks while they are having their usual lunch at the cafeteria.

Baekhyun, taken aback at the question chokes on his food.

“You do, don’t you?” Chanyeol smirks, handling a bottle of water to Baekhyun.

“What are you talking about? I d-don’t have someone I like.” Baekhyun, stuttering at every word.

“You’re cute when you lie. So who’s the lucky guy?”

“I said, I don’t have anyone. Why the sudden topic Chanyeol?”

 Chanyeol just shrugs, “Just being curious.”

 “Do you like someone?” Baekhyun gathers all the courage he has to mutter a single sentence. Baekhyun prepares himself for the worst but in his heart, he hopes and prays for the best.

 Chanyeol looks at him and smiles; the creepy smile Baekhyun loves so much; the trademark twitching of the left eye that Baekhyun adores…

“Yes. Yes I do.”

No one utters a word after. They continue to eat. They both let the matter drop.

Baekhyun can’t shake the feeling; once again, he can feel his heart breaking. Chanyeol will never love him.

 

 

Years have passed; Baekhyun and Chanyeol are still inseparable. The view on gay people changed drastically. By the time Baekhyun and Chanyeol enter college; no one really pays attention on uality and gender preferences. Baekhyun is grateful but Chanyeol is more than pleased.

“What time is your next class?” Chanyeol asks while writing his notes.

“In 30 minutes”

“You should probably get going. You might get lost on your way.” Chanyeol laughs a little.

“Not funny Chanyeol.” Baekhyun despite the disagreement is laughing too.

“You just want to get rid of me.” Baekhyun jokes, still laughing. “You have a date in the library.” He adds.

Chanyeol suddenly stops laughing so does Baekhyun because reality hits.

“Oh.” Baekhyun starts. “You do.”

Chanyeol only smiles.

 

 

 

 

“I think Chanyeol likes you.”

“Cut it out Luhan.”

“I feel it.” Luhan dramatically places his right palm in his chest.

“We’re friends. He thinks of me as a brother.”

Luhan waves his left hand, dismissing Baekhyun’s arguments. “Nonesense, I firmly believe he likes you. One day you’ll come back to me saying I was right.”

Baekhyun only sighs, he remembers not to put his hopes up but something in him wishes that the words that came out from Luhan’s mouth will be a reality but it won’t. Unluckily, it will never be.

"Chanyeol’s in love with someone else.”

Luhan is about to say something but Baekhyun cuts him off.

“He’s straight.”

Luhan shuts his mouth.

               

 

 No matter how Baekhyun stops himself from loving Chanyeol, he always ends up loving him more. It’s too cruel for a person to love someone without the assurance of him being loved back. Love should be reciprocated but in this world, most of the time, you will love someone more than you love yourself but no matter how you try, no matter how much effort you put on it, no matter how hard you wish for it – you won’t be loved in return. Life is cruel – sad reality but we have to face it.

Baekhyun faces his reality.

Chanyeol walks hand in hand with a woman.

 

 “Baekhyun!”

 Chanyeol is startled by the loud voice but Baekhyun just sighs because he is too familiar with it, it doesn’t bother him anymore that Luhan catches the attention of every single person in the auditorium.

                Still panting, Luhan links his arms into Baekhyun’s “Luckily, I saw you or else, I’ll suffer this seminar for 3 hours, alone.”

                “You don’t have to shout though.” Baekhyun laughs as he hands Luhan a handkerchief.

                “I got pretty excited seeing you. I did not see you for three days. I missed you .” Luhan laughs, Baekhyun does too.

                “What the hell did you call him?”

                Both Baekhyun and Luhan are startled by the sudden voice. Before Baekhyun can say anything else, Baekhyun grabs Luhan shirts.

                “Don’t you ing call him that.”

                “Chanyeol, stop it.” Baekhyun trying to pull both boys apart.

                “Baekhyun, what’s wrong with you? He just called you a…. Baekhyun.” Chanyeol turns to Baekhyun, hands still on Luhan’s shirt.

                “He didn’t mean any harm.” Baekhyun explains but Luhan had something in mind.

                “I can call him whatever I want, Chanyeol.” Luhan smirking

                “What did you say?” Chanyeol tightens his grip, his anger speeding up.

                “Stop it, people are looking. Stop it.” Baekhyun tries to stop the two, his eyes pleading Luhan.

                “I said, I can call Baekhyun, whatever I want to call him.” Luhan smiles, wider than the last one; eyes sparkling, provoking Chanyeol.

                “Who the hell give you the permission?” Chanyeol’s voice can be heard in the whole auditorium.

                “I’m his boyfriend. I’m that ’s boyfriend.” Luhan points at Baekhyun, smile still plastered on his face.

                The next thing he knew, he was punched badly in the face. Another punch was supposed to come but Baekhyun hurriedly got hold of Chanyeol’s arm and Baekhyun returns the punch in Chanyeol’s face.

                Chanyeol stood frozen.

                “What are you doing Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asks - anger apparent in his voice. Chanyeol only looks at him, disappointed. Baekhyun never lets Chanyeol speak a word as he turn around and helps Luhan up and walks away from Chanyeol and the entire student body.

 

               

                Baekhyun didn’t see Chanyeol for a week.

                “It’s my fault.” Luhan says as Baekhyun stares at his phone, still waiting for Chanyeol’s text.

                “I know.”

                “But I’m not sorry. That should be the wake up call for him Baekhyun.” Luhan says, “He should make up his mind. Did you see how he looked when I said you were my boyfriend? He was angry Baekhyun."

                "Luhan... please."

                "He likes you. And now when you see Chanyeol, you just go and say to him  that first, we're not together and second you love him."

                “Luhan, how many times should I have to tell you? Chanyeol and I are just friends. He will never like me.” Baekhyun pauses, he needs time to process averything.

 

 

               “ Chanyeol and I can never be together.”

                “Baek.”

                Baekhyun turns around, he saw Chanyeol looking at him, and sadness can be seen in his eyes.

                “We need to talk.” Chanyeol briefly utters.

 

 

                “I’m leaving Baek.”

                Baekhyun’s world crashes. No words would come out.

                “We’ll be migrating to the US.”

                Still, no words. Baekhyun thought he is dreaming but dreams are not painful. Dreams don’t cause sudden tightening of the heart nor makes it hard for you to breath. He never imagined that this day would come, Chanyeol leaving him.

                “I’m sorry Baek.” Chanyeol explains, “Everything happens so soon, they knew I was going to back out so they prepared the papers behind my back. I can’t back out now. I’m sorry.”

                “When are you leaving?”

                “Tomorrow.”

                Baekhyun just nods.

                Silence enveloped them for a few minutes until Chanyeol wrapped his arms around Baekhyun.               

 

                “Wait for me.” Chanyeol left a message.

                So Baekhyun waits.

                                 

               

                Chanyeol promises, he will write Baekhyun letters.

                “Good morning!” Baekhyun happily greets the mailman. He’s been waiting for him patiently every day for a month now.

                The mailman smiles but sadness is hinted in his eyes, “I’m sorry Baekhyun, none today.”

                With a small smile planted on his lips, Baekhyun mutters a simple, “Okay, maybe tomorrow.”

 

                But no letter has been sent.

               No letter came. None from Park Chanyeol.

 

 

 

                Baekhyun never left Korea.

                “I can’t leave because Chanyeol will be back.”

                 It's like a mantra that Baekhyun says every morning. He can't leave.

               

 

 

                2 years have passed, Baekhyun still waits for Chanyeol. Still waits for the promise letters, but not a single one has been sent.

 

 

 

                Another 3 years transpired, Baekhyun still waits.

                No Chanyeol, no letter, no anything.

 

 

 

                “Come with me Baek.” Luhan offers. “This is the opportunity we’ve been waiting for. You’re fit for the job, I sent your resume and they love you. You’ll be a great designer Baekhyun.”

                Baekhyun smiles, “Thanks Luhan but I can’t.”

                Luhan’s efforts are futile. He tries his best to convince Baekhyun but all his words and encouragements turn into dusts.

                “Chanyeol said I should wait for him. So I will.”

                “It has been five years Baek.”

                “Only five years. It’s not that long.”

                “Baekhyun.” Desparation. Desolation. Sadness.

                “I’ll wait here Luhan.”

 

 

                “I’ll wait for Chanyeol.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

                “Love isn’t painful; reality is.” Baekhyun explains. After another two years of waiting, Baekhyun got tired.

                “Baek, stop, you’re drunk.”

                “During our middle school, high school, college years, every time I look at him, it hurts.” Baekhyun never cried since he confessed to Chanyeol he was gay. He did not shed a tear back then when his dad beat him up, not when he was cursed and insulted by his whole family; not when Chanyeol left him; not when Chanyeol kisses someone; he never cried.

                But today he did.

                “You don’t know how painful it is loving someone who can never be yours.” Baekhyun cried.

                “It has been seven years since he left, Luhan and I’m still in love with him. But he never did, he never love me. He never ing did.”

                “Baekhyun.”

                 "I'm sorry. It's you rday, you just got back from Korea and I'm putting all these to you."

                 "Baekhyun."

                “But you know what hurts the most?” Baekhyun drinks another glass of tequila, “I still love him. I still do. Even I know there’s no hope, even if he never truly loved me, even if he left me hanging, I still do. I love him, Luhan. I still love Chanyeol.”

                “Even though he didn’t love me.”

 

 

 

 

 

                After a year, Baekhyun decides to leave.

                “You sure about this?” Luhan hesitates.

                “Yes.” Baekhyun says and Luhan can hear from the other end of the phone that Baekhyun is still struggling.

                “See you in China tomorrow then, I’ll be picking you up.”

                “Okay.”

 

 

 

 

                Baekhyun takes one last look at his house. He checks his luggage to make sure he didn’t left anything important.

                He turns around and walks to his car, a familiar figure appears before his eyes.

                Memories of childhood came rushing back, feelings are coming back all at once.

 

                “Chanyeol.”

 

                “Sorry.” One word, two syllables, Baekhyun’s world is alive again.

               

               

 

                “Appa!” A little boy suddenly emerges from Chanyeol’s back.

                Reality hits a thousand folds. Chanyeol is married. Baekhyun is sure, Chanyeol never loved him. Baekhyun fights the urge to cry but tears started to fall from his eyes. Baekhyun is not sure if the tears are there because he is happy to see Chanyeol again, or if he is crying because his heart hurts like hell, or if it’s the sad reality that all along he is right – Chanyeol never did love him.

 

                “Hi there.” Baekhyun wiping his tears while  bowing down to match the little boy’s height. He has Chanyeol’s eyes and eyebrows.

                “Hi.” The kid replies, smiling, showing his perfect set of white teeth. “Are you hurt?” The boy asks.

                “I’m not. Baekhyun answers.”

                “My mom said people cried because they are hurt. And you’re hurt because you’re crying.”

                “Sometimes, people cry because they’re happy too.” Baekhyun answers, still trying to control his sobs.

                 “Then are you happy?” the kid asks and Baekhyun does not know what to answer.

                “If mom’s here, she will wipe your tears just like when she wipes appa’s tears when appa cries every night looking for his heaven.”

                “Heaven?"

                "Yes, omma's there. But appa said, omma is in a different heaven." Appa said, " Mom's heaven is far.”

                Baekhyun’s eyes widen in shock and it’s the first time he looks directly in Chanyeol’s eyes. But Chanyeol only smiles sadly. Baekhyun wipes his tears away.

                “Yes, heaven’s far. You don’t want to go there now.”

                “I’m confused.” The kid answers. But Baekhyun is more confused.

                “Why?”

                “My dad said, mom went to a different heaven, the farthest heaven and yesterday, he also told me, we will be going to his heaven.”

                Baekhyun utterly confused cannot properly react.

                “Heaven is far.” was Baekhyun's only response.

                “Appa said, he left his heaven and he wants it back. Is heaven a place? But is it also a thing?”

                “You’re a cute little boy.” Baekhyun tries to change the topic.

 

                “You’re funny.” The boy laughs, Baekhyun thinks the boy laughs more beautifully more than Chanyeol but the same teeth can be seen.   

                 “Let’s be friends” The kids says.

                 “Okay, what’s your name, buddy?”

                  “My name’s a special name. Appa told me, he named me after his first love. His first love is his heaven. Same name as his heaven's name.” The boy still smiling widely, eyes focused on Baekhyun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“My name’s Baekhyun.”

 

 

-fin