I suggest you listen to this as you read this story :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first time Kyungsoo met Jongin was behind a dark alleyway.

Kyungsoo cannot quite recall that night clearly; just a blur of fuzzy visions are all he can remember.

 

 

 

 

 

The second time Kyungsoo met Jongin was at a small library, if he remembers correctly.

Kyungsoo was in a nice blue wool sweater and he had his nose buried in a thick textbook. After a few hours of concentration, Kyungsoo was completely worn out and was more than ready to pass out. He had exams all week and he was tired.

So it was probably because he was so tired that he only noticed the can of instant coffee sitting on his desk when everyone at the library was either gone or getting ready to go home.

And it was probably also because he was so tired that he only noticed a little post-it on the top of the can saying, “Do not smoke. It’s not good for your health.” When he had already arrived home. And it was only then that he remembered a tall, good-looking guy that approached him while he was studying.

 

Maybe he’s wrong. It was all just a blur anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The third time Kyungsoo met Jongin (this time for sure) was ironically enough in a café.

Kyungsoo was carrying on his usual routine of watching people from outside the café window. Yes, call him creepy all you want, but that was one of the only joys that Kyungsoo had in his life. He liked seeing people walk by. People laughing and talking with their friends as they walk, people walking frantically to somewhere as they call someone, little kids trying to catch up with their parent’s steps, lovers walking slowly as they hold hands and whisper sweet words into each other’s ears… There were so many people.

 

Why were they all walking? To where? Did everyone know what exactly they were doing and where they were going? Was Kyungsoo the only one too afraid to start walking? His train of questions that had no answers was interrupted when a sudden stranger took a seat before him.

 

 

Okay, now Kyungsoo should have been surprised. But the weird part was that he wasn’t. He felt like the man sitting in front him was meant to be there. Meant to be in this café, at this exact time, in front of Do Kyungsoo. The tanned man in front of him was not looking at him. He was staring at the people outside, and Kyungsoo should have done the same.

But he couldn’t.

His eyes refused to tear away from the man in front of him. The air around him was suffocating. Was the café always this quiet? He was quite positive that the café always had lousy mainstream music playing, and he knew for a fact that this café was definitely crowded and therefore noisy as . But, no. As the man with dark eyes and dark skin continued to look outside, Kyungsoo realized that he couldn’t hear anything else apart from his own heartbeat.

Then everything came to a pause when the man finally took his eyes off the window and looked directly at him.

 

All Kyungsoo could even manage to think was how much he craved for a nice long smoke.

 

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo had always had secrets. Secrets he dared not say to his classmates.

There was a reason why Kyungsoo smelled of mint and fresh soap all the time. He had strict parents, and if they knew what Kyungsoo really did outside he wasn’t even sure what would happen to him.

Kyungsoo lit his first cigarette when he was fifteen.

At first, it was just plain curiosity. Kyungsoo was sad and lonely, and the pictures of celebrities smoking and tales of sad people smoking to be happy seemed like a cool concept. So he tried.

It burned, sizzled like fire and it was definitely gross. And it was so bitter, goddamn it it was so bitter it made him want to puke.

He never lit another single cigarette until he turned seventeen.

 

 

 

Outside, Kyungsoo was the perfect example of a person living a good life. His family wasn’t rich, but had enough money to get Kyungsoo what he wanted most of the times and Kyungsoo’s grades weren’t all too bad. He had his little group of friends, and no one particularly disliked him.

But nobody knew about the Kyungsoo behind all the cute innocent façade he learned to put on in order to fit in. No one knew that Kyungsoo’s parents had long stopped talking to each other. No one knew about his mother who would hurt him and his brother endlessly only to apologize later with tears in her eyes. N o one knew about the exhausted boy who cried behind closed doors.

 

But soon enough the tears that he shed turned into the ashes that he smoked and the invisible cuts inside his heart turned into the visible cuts on his wrists.

 

It was always regret that found Kyungsoo at the end of the day, and to cover up his flaws, he decided to become perfect for everyone else.

He cleaned himself with fresh soap every morning, studied harder than anyone else in school, and smiled brightly at everyone.

He wore bright blue sweaters and jeans.

And somewhere between his eighteenth cigarette and his tenth bottle of alcohol, Kyungsoo lost himself.
 

 

 

 

 

Maybe he wasn’t there at all in the first place?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The gorgeous stranger in the café took out his hand.

 

 

“I’m Jongin.”

 

 

“I...I am Kyungsoo.”

 

 

Everything was so natural, so smooth that Kyungsoo almost forgot that the person facing him was a total stranger.

 

 

“I know.” The stranger said.

 

 

Kyungsoo held his breath.

The man, apparently named Jongin, looked like he was waiting for Kyungsoo to do something.

But what?

 

 

“Don’t you remember me?”

 

 

As much as Kyungsoo wished he did, he had no memories of this man.

Kyungsoo shook his head.

 

 

“Oh.”

 

 

Jongin smiled a little, and Kyungsoo found himself staring.

 

 

“Well… I have to say, I’m quite disappointed. I mean like, I don’t just kiss anybody, you know? Like I thought we were…”

 

 

“What?”

 

 

Kyungsoo was more than surprised.

Then he realized that he had practically screamed at the man, so he sat back down and asked again quietly.

 

 

“We… have kissed before?”

 

 

Jongin, obviously amused at the shorter male’s reaction, smirked just a little.

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

"..."

 

 

“I was going home one night and I heard a faint sob in the dark. I thought someone was in danger, so I went and found you.”

 

 

 

Jongin looked at Kyungsoo with a slight frown on his face.

 

“Kyungsoo…?”

 

 

“Right. I’m listening. I’m just… trying to remember.”

 

 

That was one of the (numerous) harms that alcohol and drugs did to him.

Many things were a blur, and there were blank spaces in between memories.

But before, Kyungsoo did not care to even try to remember.

He didn’t need to, and most of all, he did not want to.

 

 

“So, uhh, I saw you. And okay, this is pretty embarrassing but I actually knew you. We used to go to the same school, you know? You probably don’t remember, but I went to the same high school as you.”

 

 

Kyungsoo didn’t get what was so embarrassing about that, but he still nodded.

 

 

“And, hey, don’t think of this as rude or anything, okay? But when I first realized it was you, I was really shocked. Like… You were a mess.”

 

 

“…”

 

 

Kyungsoo himself knew more than anyone else that he was a mess, but hearing it from a (very attractive) stranger felt different.

 

 

 

“You were always so perfect, you know? You might have not known, but many people looked up to you, and still do, as their role model. It was quite… a shock. Wait, no, but I don’t mean it in an offensive way,”

 

 

 

Kyungsoo had kept silent, and the taller male had probably thought he said something wrong, because now he was apologizing and saying how no, he doesn’t judge….

 

 

 

“It’s okay. I’m not offended or anything.”

 

 

 

Kyungsoo found himself smiling at how different this boy was to his looks.

Just a few minutes ago, Kyungsoo would never have thought that this handsome man would be looking like an anxious puppy worried that he would lose his owner’s attention.

He thought that was awfully cute.

After Kyungsoo had said his fifth “It’s okay, No, really, I’m fine.”, Jongin had finally decided to continue.

 

 

 

“So, I thought I would have to call someone so they could take you home. But while I was trying to find your phone, you… you held my hand and told me not to call anyone. Then,”

 

 

 

Jongin paused for a moment, and Kyungsoo could almost swear that he could see a slight blush forming at the man’s cheeks.

 

 

 

“Then… you sort of kissed me. And then it’s my entire fault. I should have stopped you, but I lost myself and I kissed back. Then I took you to my house.”

 

 

 

From the way Jongin was not meeting Kyungsoo eyes, he could tell that there were parts that Jongin chose not to say.

 

 

 

“Did we… you know?”

 

 

 

“Oh, no! No! We didn’t go that far. I stopped just in time, I think. I didn’t want to do it like that with you.”

 

 

 

Kyungsoo sadly still couldn't remember that night. It wasn’t very uncommon for him to wake up in a stranger’s house, if he were to be so honest. But that was back when he was young and stupid (at least, more stupid than he was now) and since Kyungsoo had turned twenty one he swore that he would never have any more one night stands.
 

 

 

“Thank you, Jongin. I… I’m really sorry for what happened that night.”

 

 

 

Jongin’s face fell a little, but the male managed a smile and said,

 

 

 

“Do you think maybe, maybe we could forget that night and perhaps start all over again?”

 

 

 

“Excuse me?”

 

 

 

“Forget about that night. Remember today. Today, on September first, you met a guy named Jongin in a coffee shop. You and Jongin become friends. How about we start from there?”

 

 

 

There was something about the man’s voice, or maybe it was that special atmosphere in the café?

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure, but he found himself laughing a little and saying, Okay, Jongin…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And now that was only three months ago.

It was now December, and the weather had completely changed.

But the weather wasn’t the only thing that had changed.

Jongin and Kyungsoo, believe it or not, had gotten very close.

Since that day, Jongin and Kyungsoo had always met in small cafes, and Jongin was quite impressed at Kyungsoo’s knowledge of cafes around Seoul.

Through their continuous coffee dates (he admitted later that it was a date), Kyungsoo found out that Jongin was actually a year younger than him, and that Jongin liked cute little things and even had a collection of handmade stuffed animals (Kyungsoo thought that was the most adorable thing he had heard in his life), and that Jongin was a er for romantic things. That was why Jongin adored coffee shops so much, he said.

That is not even a hundredth of what Kyungsoo learned about Jongin, but everything he learned all summed up to one simple conclusion.

Kim Jongin was a beautiful person.

 

 

 

“.”

 

 

 

Kyungsoo walked out of his house only to realize that it was raining.

Kyungsoo didn’t like rain.

But Jongin did, and he would always tell Kyungsoo how much he would love to kiss someone he loved in the pouring rain.

Kyungsoo went back in and brought out a huge black umbrella. Kyungsoo himself didn’t mind getting wet, and sadly, Jongin didn’t too.

It was about their sixth coffee date when Kyungsoo found about Jongin’s little hobby of getting soaked to the bones whenever it rained.

They had held hands and walked around the empty streets together in the pouring rain; what they talked about Kyungsoo can’t quite remember.

But the thing was that unlike Kyungsoo, Jongin ended up getting really sick with flu.

 

 

 

“Are you always sick after a rainy day,” Kyungsoo had asked as he made soup for Jongin.

“No, but I usually don’t have anyone to walk in the pouring rain with me,” Jongin had said with a grin.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo stood in front of Jongin’s house with his huge black umbrella.

As he stood waiting in the rain, Kyungsoo took out his cigarette.

He couldn’t quite quit smoking completely, despite Jongin’s desperate pleas to stop.

But trust him, he tried. He hated seeing the disappointed look on Jongin’s face whenever he found Kyungsoo smoking or drinking.

 

 

 

“What's such a big deal about it?” Kyungsoo had asked one day.

“I could lecture you on this topic forever, Kyungsoo.” Jongin had answered as he made popcorn.

“Except for the whole health part.” Kyungsoo had replied as he looked through the boxes of dvds in his living room.

“Well, first of all. When you drink, you forget everything. I was actually really disappointed when you said you didn’t remember meeting me, you know? I’m scared that you might get drunk when I’m not around you. What if you make out with a random stranger?” Jongin had said as he took a seat on the sofa.

“I would never do that!” Kyungsoo had answered with a frown on his face.

“And secondly, you told me to skip the whole health part, but I can’t. Those things could seriously kill you.” Jongin had added.

“I really don’t care about that.” Kyungsoo had said without thinking much about it.

 

 

But that had made Jongin really mad for some reason, and that was the first time Kyungsoo and Jongin had had a fight.

 

 

 

“You really shouldn’t say stuff like that. Do you know how that makes me feel like?”

“No, I don’t. I don’t understand why you would be so upset about this,”

“You are saying you wouldn’t care if you died. Why would I not be upset?”

“Everyone dies, Jongin. And it’s not like I have any reasons to be alive. I’m alive because I’m not dead.”

The moment that had left his mouth, Kyungsoo regretted immediately, but it was too late to take them back.

Jongin had left without a word after that.

 

 

 

They had made up after a whole two weeks.

Jongin had apologized to him with roses. (Yes, real red roses,)

Kyungsoo apologized too, and promised that he would reduce the number of times he smoked.

What Kyungsoo didn’t tell Jongin was that since the day they had met, Kyungsoo had already changed.

But then why was Kyungsoo smoking in front of Jongin’s very own house?

It was because Jongin wasn’t there to stop Kyungsoo.

Yes, he was blaming this on Jongin.

It was Jongin’s fault Kyungsoo was smoking because Jongin was mad at him.

The incident had happened exactly two weeks ago, on a nice Saturday.

 

 

Jongin wasn't answering his phone. He had gone out with his friends, and Kyungsoo was more than willing to let Jongin have fun with his friends.

But maybe it was because of the cold?

Kyungsoo’s addiction had somehow found its way into Kyungsoo’s fragile mind, and it was killing Kyungsoo.

His fingers shook violently, and he felt himself sinking down, down.

Tears streamed down his face; Jongin was such a beautiful person.

On the other hand, Kyungsoo himself was a disgusting person.

He had countless flaws, why was he so short? Why did his eyes have to look that way? Why did he have to be so depressed?

What was Kyungsoo to Jongin? Were they still just friends?

All those questions and insecurities inside Kyungsoo’s head were really, not even that important.

But Kyungsoo didn’t have Jongin, his new addiction, and he was dizzy and couldn't think straight from his lack of nicotine. He needed assurance that he was alive. Assurance that he was breathing, that his heart was beating.

It was just his usual habit that sprung back to life, he swears.

He just didn’t think that Jongin would find him lying lifelessly in his crimson bathtub.

He just didn’t realize that until he woke up in his bed with Jongin crying next to him.

 

That had been exactly two weeks ago.

 

And now Kyungsoo was standing in front of Jongin’s house.

He wanted so badly to apologize.

But how could he? What if Jongin never wanted to see him again?

Kyungsoo grimaced at that thought and threw both his cigarette and his black umbrella on the floor.

Why did he even need a huge umbrella? Jongin wasn’t here with him.

He was drenched; but he felt ready.

Ready to say good-bye.

Jongin was way too good for him anyway.

But just as he was about to turn back, he felt someone pulling his wrist.

He was embraced in a familiar smell.

 

 

 

“Jongin,”

 

 

 

“I love you.”

 

 

 

The rain seemed to stop. Or was it his ears doing tricks again?

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, Kyungsoo. I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at myself. Mad at myself because I wasn’t there when you needed me the most, mad at myself because I am not enough to be a reason for your existence.”

 

 

 

“...Jongin, you are the reason why I’m alive,”

 

 

 

Before Jongin could respond, Kyungsoo pulled Jongin closer to him and kissed him.

It burned; felt like fire as Jongin’s tongue met Kyungsoo’s. But it wasn’t bitter. It was so sweet, goddamn it it was so sweet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And it was only then Kyungsoo realized what he was truly addicted to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is so bad oh god

This is what happens when you don't plan out your storyline guys this wasn't how I orginally wanted it to be like;;;;

Still thank you for reading guys it really means a lot to me T.T

You can find me here for any feedbacks/questions :)

Again, thank you so much for reading. :)

 

+) pls also check out my other story