Chapter II: Broken

A/N: Before anything else, please do not ignore the dates. They're kind of important. You'll get lost easily if you didnt pay attention.

Jongin smiled as he took another step towards a familiar path in his old university. It had been almost a year since he finished college and in his opinion, his life had been sailing very well so far. He graduated with honors and got a few offers from different dance studios around the globe yet he chose to stay in Seoul, telling himself that he would rather stay in his motherland and help in nurturing the culture of dance in his country. He got a job as a choreographer at one of the biggest entertainment company in South Korea – maybe wasn’t the best thing that ever happened to him, yet Jongin considered it as a huge stepping stone. Life wasn’t easy, he had to start from scratch and all the recognitions he received from college was almost overlooked since he was the newbie albeit the fact that everybody knew he was always once step ahead most of his seniors. It was quite impressive how after just a half a year, he was moved from handing out water bottles and ordering jap chae for his seniors to actually brainstorming dance steps and pulling all nighters matching the graceful movements of his arms and limbs along beats that would flow through every beat of his being. Kim Jongin earned where he was and he thought he deserved an award – an award that only one person could give him.

The hallways were dark and quiet like what he had planned them to be. He thought of how he used to walk down those corridors, along with Sehun – sometimes Yixing too – as they laughed at how ridiculous their professors’ faces were while drilling dance moves to their brain. He thought of how he once walked down the same hallway, heart beating erratically – imagining himself on stage, gracefully moving along music that had already morphed with his soul through months of endless practice. He thought of a certain night, a few minutes after the curtains had been closed, a few minutes after the applause had subsided, a few minutes after the summer musical had ended. He thought of how he held a stem of rose osiria in his left hand and a his little cheat sheet on the other as he rehearsed his speech in his head for the umpteenth time that day. He thought of how Sehun, Chanyeol, and Jongdae barricaded him right before he stepped in a certain dressing room and gave him a long list of things he shouldn’t do to their mother figure accompanied by a summary of what the trio could do to him if he violated their rules. He thought of Sehun – it must be really nice to have his closest friend beside him, muttering curses, blackmails and threats as he took his way to a familiar stage yet the younger, according to Chanyeol, had already flown away, soaring above the horizon, watching over his friends like a falcon stalking his prey. Jongin thought it was deep, and creepy yet the passion he saw in Chanyeol’s eyes somehow made him a little envious. Could he love Kyungsoo the way Chanyeol loved Sehun? Beyond time limits and beyond dreams and perfection, beyond life and death.

Jongin smiled as he clutched the small black velvet box in his hand – he wouldn’t know until he tried.

2013.06.18

Kim Jongin’s heart was beating erratically as he paced back and forth the dark hallways of his university’s auditorium where the summer musical was just held. It had been exactly a month since the morning he rushed and almost chucked himself down four flights of stairs, barefoot, with a pounding headache and clothes reeking of alcohol and puke. It had been almost a month since he banged on a familiar door, screaming the name of the only person that could make his heart leap with a very homicidal glare accompanied by a death threat. It had been almost month since he slowly sat down by the door, face covered dark fringes as he poured his heart out, not even caring if the person he had offered his compassion to was actually on the other side, listening.

“Kyungsoo. Hyung. Kyungsoo hyung.” Jongin sighed as he let his body fall on the ground, eyes fixed on the on his toes. “I really don’t know what to say. Hell. I don’t even know if you’re there or if you’re listening at all but I just .. I just really need to talk to you right now so hear me out okay? You dont need to talk or respond or anything just listen to me okay? I know we didn’t start as nice as I would want it to be. You were right, it was a mistake but it’s a mistake that I am willing to repeat over and over again if it would mean it would end up with you in my arms. I will be willing to commit the same mistake even in my next lifetimes as long as I know that you will be there to do it with me. Although I never thought of you as a mistake, so even if you think you are, you are the best mistake that ever happened to my life and I am never going to regret committing to you.”

“I know I should have ended it with Sehun a long time ago but I just didn’t have the courage to do so. I was too engrossed, and too happy that all I could think about was being with you again and feeling your lips on mine under the stars. All I could think about was your face and how your eyes would sparkle every time you would look up the sky and watch the stars glitter in the dark heavens that I almost forgot the there is a world outside, waiting for me to face but trust me hyung, I already fixed everything.” Jongin paused. “Well Sehun did.”

“I don’t know what you saw last night. I barely even remember anything after my third shot of tequila but all I know is that your face was the only thing on my mind last night. Hyung I just .. I just want .. I don’t even know what I want anymore .. I just ..” Jongin trailed as he looked up the ceiling, imagining stars sparkling up the dark heavens with his eyes closed. “Do Kyungsoo I love you.”

“Kim ing Jongin I swear I will punch so hard in the gut your intestines will explode.” Jongin wanted to cry when he heard the door swung open. “Get your in here. I don’t want my neighbors to think that there’s a drunkard hobo outside my door.”

“An I love you too would have been nice too hyung but that could work too” Jongin grinned.

“I’m not that easy.” Kyungsoo smirked. “Court me. I’m giving you a month.”

It wasn’t a challenge or a threat. To Jongin, it was more like a promise. A promise that he was more than willing to fulfill at a very timely manner – the reason why he was standing on stage, behind velvet curtains with sweaty, trembling hands and a racing heart. His mind was hazy yet every beat of his heart were only screaming a certain person’s name.

A beat started playing, and his heart started singing.

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

Jongin’s body seemed to start moving by itself, along with a familiar tune he had fallen in love with the first time it reached his soul. His arms and limbs moved gracefully along invisible threads of music only he could see beyond the darkness illuminated by artificial stage lights that created an astonishing contrast against his bronze skin as artificial smoke filled the stage dancing along his every move. He did a pirouette, a grand jette, a cabriole, followed by another pirouette, triple even, and a set of pas de burre he quickly accompanied with a la seconde before he ended with a bow, a ballote.

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

With a racing heart, and hopeful gaze, Jongin strode towards a small figure in the middle of the auditorium. It almost felt like a dream when he was finally just a few steps away from the only person that could make his heart dance along music only he could hear. It almost felt like he was floating, with every step it was almost like he was soaring above the horizons. It was amazing yet not as wonderful as when his eyes met big, round eyes that always looked so curious yet so uninterested. Jongin almost felt like he could do anything, everything.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“How did you get my piece? I’m pretty sure I don’t let anybody touch my compositions unless they’re done.”

“I have connections.”

“Tell Jongdae he will starve for a month.”

“Sure.” Jongin took the last step towards his happiness, a smile still plastered on his lips. “In one condition though.”

“A little cocky today, aren’t we Mr. Kim?”

“Didn’t you say you like it when I’m cocky Mr. Do?” Jongin just chuckled, slowly snaking his arm around the elder’s waist, slightly tugging the smaller, pulling him closer. “And it has been a month. That I love you too is almost too close to being overdue. I might start demanding for compensation.”

Kyungsoo smiled, still a little overwhelmed with the stunt Jongin just pulled. Everything got a little too hazy but he was more than glad how his brain retained every single detail of that night. From the summer musical up to when Sehun and Baekhyun practically kidnapped him from his dressing room and dragged him to the dark auditorium and stood closely by his side until the stage lights elucidated the hall, making sure he wouldn’t run away albeit the fact that it was already given that he would just stay rooted on his spot as soon as his eyes met dark orbs that quickly melted his heart.

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

The beat of the music was familiar and so was the beat of his heart. The way Jongin gracefully danced along the music he created was a little too close to perfection in Kyungsoo’s eyes. With every turn, every step, every skip, his world just slowly collapsed as his heart yearned for more. Everything seemed familiar, too clichéd and Kyungsoo thought he should run yet thoughts had become greatly irrelevant the moment he accepted Jongin back in his life. Beyond all regrets, skepticism and forgotten memories, beyond the darkness of the abyss there was his shooting star – there was Kim Jongin and Kyungsoo was more than willing to let himself plunge into the darkness, holding on the single bright light that could make his heart burst.

“How could I say I love you too when you haven’t even said I love you first?”

Jongin’s grin grew wider. “Woah there. Do you think I’m that easy?”

“Are you not?”

“Good point. Just for you though.” Jongin cooed, pulling the elder even closer. “Just for you.”

“We’re getting a little distracted here. You know I don’t like being late as much I don’t like paying compensations.” Jongin chuckled somewhere in the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck, making the elder shiver as the taller drew random patterns on the small of his back.

“I love you hyung.”

Their eyes met and Kyungsoo started to think about long forgotten grassy lawns, chocolate and vanilla ice cream, ramen bowls and forts on a chilly autumn morning, ballets and musicals, fear and regrets. Maybe he should really run somewhere far where nobody would know who he was. They said Austria was a good place to go if he wanted to pursue his musical career, but he didn’t really feel like learning a new language. Maybe he should just move to Gangwon-do Islands, somebody once told him he looked a lot like a native from Gangwon, but he really didn’t like living in the countryside.

Jongin smiled, Kyungsoo’s heart betrayed him once more. Maybe Seoul was just the perfect place for him, because in Seoul, there was music, there was city life and he didn’t have to learn a new language. Yes, Seoul was just perfect because in Seoul, there was Jongin.

“I love you too.”

And then Jongin’s world stopped spinning, time stopped ticking – everything disappeared and it was suddenly just Kyungsoo and him. It was almost like that night when they first kissed. There were breezy dark night sky, stars, and Kyungsoo’s pillowy lips on his.

Their lips met once more, a little more passionate than the first. Kyungsoo’s arms s around Jongin’s neck as the younger cupped his cheeks, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. He ran his fingers through dark soft, dark hair, slightly tugging on a few strands as he felt the younger nipped on his lower lip, making his head spin – almost a tiny bit close to losing his sanity and with every touch, he felt like everything was just crumbling down around him.

“Ew. You guys should get a room. Too much public display of affection here.”

Jongin chuckled, and Kyungsoo wanted to hide under one of the seats in the auditorium when they heard familiar snickers behind them followed by a pat on his head as Chanyeol and Baekhyun shot him with meaningful looks.

“Pretty sure I got this room booked until midnight.”

“y time in a University auditorium.” An arm was placed on Jongin’s shoulder, it was Sehun’s. “Adventurous aren’t we?”

Sometimes, Kyungsoo really regretted having friends like his.

“Shut the up all of you if you don’t want me to poison your food and dump your dead bodies in the Pacific.” Kyungsoo mumbles as he buried himself in Jongin’s chest.

“Congrats though. Finally. It hurts to watch you two run around in circles every day. It makes me wanna puke.”

“Assface.” He mumbled before kicking Beakhyun’s shin. “Thanks by the way.”

Sometimes, Kyungsoo really thought he just chose the right people to surround him with.

2018.06.18

Kyungsoo wanted to rip his head off the day he receive an invitation in his e-mail. It was quite annoying with all the bright colors and obnoxiously large heading. He would have just ignored and deleted it if not for the overly excited puppy attached on his back who was merrily grinning from ear to ear when he received the message. Kyungsoo just wanted to pretend he didn’t open the said e-mail and just went on with his normal life, because really, who gets excited over college reunions?

Well apparently, Jongin did and Kyungsoo just wanted to smack some sense into his boyfriend’s brain – primarily about how boring and pretentious reunions are. People would just boast about how they married a hotel tycoon, or a hospital director, or the president of the United States. Which did not make sense at all, really, it was quite stupid in Kyungsoo’s opinion. But then again, he forgot that Byun Baekhyun belonged in his list of top ten friends and that Byun Baekhyun was twice as excited as Jongin about the said event.

“Can I just not go? I mean even Jongin and Chanyeol are not coming. Can I just be excused?” Kyungsoo whined as he tried to pry himself off of Baekhyun’s grip as the elder dragged him towards the parking lot of his apartment complex.

“Your stupid boyfriend couldn’t get a day off today that’s why he can’t come. And don’t even use Chanyeol as an excuse. That’s just low Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun sighed, eyes wavering from Kyungsoo to the dark, summer night sky. “You know what he’s going through right now. Plus I don’t think it would be a good idea to bring him to the University. You know ... memories with Sehun and like that.”

Kyungsoo just nodded. Using Chanyeol as an excuse really was a very low blow. It had been just a year since Sehun passed away and their used-to-be loud giant of a friend was still hiding in his cocoon of grief. The elder would only come out of his apartment when he had to go to work or when Kyungsoo and Jongin would drag him out of his bed to get some fresh air. Losing Sehun almost felt like losing Chanyeol as well. It was depressing yet life had to go on for the rest of them.

 Kyungsoo became a composer – a dream he had always had every since he stepped in his high school music room and started playing random tunes on the beat up grand piano. He got offers from some talent agencies, asking him to become a singer, or at least sing an OST or two yet Kyungsoo had already let go of that dream he once had. He could not, and would never be D.O. Why would he? When Kai had seemed to disappear from the face of the earth. Jongin became a choreographer – working behind stage lights, creating routines that could amaze even the stars up the sky.

D.O. and Kai were supposed to be in the spotlight. D.O. singing songs that could make the universe resonate along with his angelic voice as Kai danced along every beat, gracefully swaying his body as he lost his soul in the rhythm. Yet Kyungsoo had long learned how to distinguish reality from unattainable dreams. Kyungsoo had long learned how to separate long forgotten dreams from reality yet his heart would never fail to betray him whenever a certain dream came into the picture – Kim Jongin. The unattainable dream he had always wanted yet could never have. The shooting star up in the dark night sky, so close yet so far but fate had always had this really bad habit of playing some sick jokes on Kyungsoo.

The shooting star fell for Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo let the unattainable dream invade his reality.

Kyungsoo almost choked at the thought.

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun piped up as he unbuckled his seatbelt. “I know you don’t want to go but please don’t look like I made you inhale chloroform just to drag you here.”

Kyungsoo just smiled at his friend. “You would though. You and Jongdae would.”

Baekhyun grinned. “Touché my friend. Touché.”

It was weird how the auditorium – the supposed to be venue of their college reunion – was dark and the very sparse amount of cars in the parking lot was also making Kyungsoo start questioning the event. The fact that Baekhyun also suddenly disappeared before they could even reach the venue was making Kyungsoo’s heart race a little bit. He was starting to think that his friends grew some balls and decided that it was finally time that he became the victim of their prank. He should have known when he recognize the obnoxiously large header of the invitation looked a lot like it was freshly done using word arts and ty photo editing skills.

Kyungsoo was no chicken. He would not back down. He would face his friends’ pranks high and proud.

The place hasn’t really changed much. The hallways were still painted boring shade of maroon. The floor was still covered with the same gross navy blue carpet that Sehun thought they should light up on fire. The huge steel door at the end of the hall still creaked like the whole building would fall apart every time it would open. Kyungsoo could almost hear the applause and praises he once received when he used to perform in their Univeristy’s auditorium. It was like strolling down the road of his University life as he took every step closer to the stage. The upper box on the left, right beside the stage, where Jongdae and Chanyeol decided that it was fun to bet on who was going to break less bones if they both jumped off without any harness . The velvet curtains that Sehun once used to wipe his paint stained hands – he was more than sure that the younger’s neon green palm print was still on there. The first row where he used to sit, along with Chanyeol whenever the dance department would host a charity event, clapping and cheering as Sehun and Jongin danced their hearts out. The third row on the right – Jongin was sitting happily, gorgeous smile plastered on plump lips as he watched Kyungsoo sang his last song during the summer musical. The stage, of course, where Jongin once stole his unfinished composition and somehow turned it into a beautiful piece of art.

It had been exactly five years and everything seemed like they just happened yesterday. It seemed like yesterday, when he watched Jongin shyly strode towards him with a stem of rose osiria in his left hand. It seemed like yesterday, when he finally let himself plunge into an endless abyss filled with temporary euphoria he couldn’t seem to run away from. It seemed like yesterday, when Kyungsoo started chasing a shooting star he knew he could never have yet his heart would never let go. It seemed like yesterday when Kyungsoo accepted Kim Jongin back in his life – throwing all the long forgotten memories, and ignoring his wishes of forgetting the pandemonium he had been lugging all his life. It seemed like yesterday when Kyungsoo let himself fall even deeper in the endless darkness solely illuminated by the luster of his shooting star’s smile – Kim Jongin.

It had been exactly five years. Right. It was their fifth year anniversary. Jongin was working and Kyungsoo was about to be the victim of his friends’ prank of the year. What a great day to celebrate five years worth of endless bickering and arguing over the tiniest thing – like who was cuter Kyungsoo or Pororo, or if Jongin should quit calling Kyungsoo stupid pet names such as honeybunch and angel eyes, angel face, angel heart or angel anything if the younger didn’t want him to be called dickhead and assface in public by his loving boyfriend. Everything was starting to piss Kyungsoo off, if not for the familiar tune that started playing out of nowhere once he reached the staircase towards the dark stage.

He really should have known better.

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

“Kim Jongin. You little . I really should have known.” He mumbled as the stage lights elucidated the whole auditorium, a familiar figure materializing in the midst of the glittering lights – bronze skin that created an amazing contrast against the lights, smile that could battle the Northern lights, dark brown orbs that would sparkle under the moonlight – his shooting star.

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

Smile started curving Kyungsoo’s lips as he watched how Jongin’s body morphed with every note that once only existed in his imagination. With just one swift move, the world seemed to have stopped spinning. Everything became irrelevant when chocolate brown orbs met Kyungsoo’s round ones, screaming words of affection as he did a triple pirouette followed by a coupe dessous and a grand jete. Kyungsoo expected a ballote when the music came into a halt, because Jongin always finished his pieces with a bow yet the younger kept his arabesque, keeping his stance longer than an average dancer could as he motioned Kyungsoo to take a few steps closer.

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

The same tune started playing once more, a little more upbeat with a hint of bass drum and finger snapping that almost Kyungsoo’s heart flutter along each beat. Listening to the song almost made Kyungsoo feel like he was in a different dimension as he lost himself in Jongin’s eyes, slowly letting the world disappear along the rhythm of his racing heart.

Should I take courage and tell you?
My ugly handwriting, this embarrassing letter
These four words are not enough
Like a man, I’ll show you through my actions

Jongin’s voice rang in Kyungsoo’s head as each word, harmonizing with each beat echoed in every fiber of his being. It was almost like feeling surreal mixture of overwhelming happiness and limitless euphoria that was making his insides do some sort f whatever jumps Jongin was doing a few seconds ago.

I want you, XO, I only have you
I only have you, I only have you
For you XO, accept me
Accept me, accept me

The younger took another step closer to Kyungsoo, still singing slash rapping, along the tune Kyungsoo had been working on for five years.

“Hyung.”

“Mmm?”

“How was it?”

“How was what?”

“The lyrics.” Jongin smiled. Kyungsoo’s heart flipped. “I’ve been working on it since last year. Sehun and Chanyeol helped me out with the beats. Jongdae helped in distracting you so you wouldn’t notice I’ve been going through your compositions again. The whole reunion thing was Baekhyun’s idea. MInseok sent the fake invitation and-”

“I suggest you stop spilling what they did just to help you out if you don’t want your accomplices to get in trouble.” Kyungsoo smiled, making Jongin flinch. “Plus those are not important at the moment. We will discuss punishments after this.”

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

Kyungsoo arm s around Jongin’s neck as the younger pulled him closer before their lips met, music still playing in the background as their lips danced along every beat. The stage lights were flickering behind closed eyes, almost like how stars sparkled up the dark night skies. Jongin’s lips were so soft and so sweet that Kyungsoo felt like he was kissing the clouds and it made his heart beat a little too fast like it was almost like it was going explode any moment. He felt like their worlds have collided together and the kiss that they were sharing just created a big world just for the both of them. Time stood still as their lips embraced each other. For all she knew, they were the only two people on earth in that moment. Everything was right in the world. When time resumed its cruel, cruel passing, all he wanted was to be together as one once more.

 “Five years ago, I did almost exactly the same thing for you – in the same exact place. Five years ago was the first time you told me love me too and I swear that was the happiest day of my life.” Jongin’s eyes looked almost like they were sparkling as he reminisced the first time Kyungsoo spoke the words he had been longing to hear. “But I know I could be happier and I want that happiness to last forever.”

A silver ring embellished with a small star shaped black onyx was slipped onto Kyungsoo’s left ring finger.

“Marry me hyung.”

And then the world suddenly came crushing down on Kyungsoo, destroying every bit of temporary euphoria as it completely dimmed the luster of his shooting star. It was almost like falling into the deep, dark pandemonium once more – just this time, without the promise of glistening light at the end. It was all just darkness, and long forgotten memories – chocolate and vanilla ice cream, forgotten grassy lawn, ramen and forts made of pillows and blanket on a chilly autumn morning, mistakes and regrets.

Accepting the unattainable dream back in his life was one thing, having it forever was just doing too much. He couldn’t let Jongin fall in the abyss along with him. Jongin was supposed to be up in the sky, shining brightly along with the other stars that he was. Jongin was supposed to be in the spotlight, dancing along beats and music, accepting applause and endless praises after an incredible performance. Jongin was supposed to become Kai, the dancer, the star – the only thing Kyungsoo had ever wanted yet he could never have, not forever.

“I’m sorry. I can’t.”

Jongin smiled. Kyungsoo wanted to cry.

“You’re kidding right?”

Kyungsoo’s tears started falling, along with the memories he had tried to bury inside him – pretending that maybe, just maybe, he would forget as he slowly wished that Jongin would also remember. Maybe Jongin really should have just remembered, then Kyungsoo would not have ended up letting his betrayer of a heart take over and crash the walls he had built around him a long time ago. If Jongin would just have remembered, he would hate Kyungsoo just as much Kyungsoo hated himself.

“No I’m not. I can’t marry you Jongin. I can’t … “

“Why?? I love you. You love me. What’s the problem?!”

“I told you. You can’t fall in love with me.”

Kyungsoo thought of ending it sooner yet he seemed to have fallen a little too deeply than he would have expected. He told himself once, just a little bit more, just a little bit more time but his heart had never given him the chance to even think about the end.

Don’t always say that there’s still time because there is also a concept of too late.

He would always say just a little but more, until he finally realized that maybe, it was already a little too late.

“Is it because of the culture? Here in Korea? I know they don’t allow homoual marriage here but I don’t give about that! I know you don’t too! I mean . If that’s the only problem then we will fly to the US. Tonight of you want. Just …” Jongin took Kyungsoo’s hand, interlacing their fingers as if the gaps in between were created for both of them fill. “Just marry me Hyung. I love you and I know you love me too. We wouldn’t have lasted five years if you didn’t right? And I know we can last longer. We can last until forever. So please … stop joking around like this. It’s not funny. Please … I love you …”

Kyungsoo bit his lips, trying his hardest to stop the tears from falling.

“No Jongin. We cannot. This is a mistake. Everything is a mistake.”

“But Hyung … “

“Jongin stop!”

“Kyungsoo-“

“Let’s break up.”

D#           Dm          Cm          Gm

The song ended as the stage lights started dimming, leaving nothing but trails of tears and littered pieces of broken hearts.

****

FINALLY! I finished this after like .648732482468732 million years!
I just really at fluff as you can see, this pretty much just consists of word vomits and failed attempt of chessiness
Anywho, I updated right? hehehe

also, the chords was from XOXO as you can see
I remember readings something about KaiSoo writing the lyrics for the song together so yeah I thought maybe I should incorporate it in the fic just coz
 

please dont hate on Kyungsoo btw
he has his reasons :(
I'll try and update as soon as possible so you guys wont be too lost lol

comments/upvotes = updates

xoxo - rin