HIS KIND OF LOVE

Himchan likes Yongguk.

No… Himchan loves Yongguk.

… And that’s not even the end of the story.

When Himchan finally acknowledged his feelings towards the leader to be so much more than just a love between two members of the same group, everything seems so very right ever since. He didn’t even try to deny those feelings when he first discovered it not long after they debuted. No, he didn’t. In fact, when Himchan first felt the butterflies flying freely in his stomach just because of Yongguk’s subtle touches, he just smiled… wide. Sure, it was unintended, but Himchan knew all along that Yongguk has always had a special place in his heart—the one that none of the members can ever seized away from him even if they tried with all their might. 

Until now, even when more than a year has passed, only Himchan knows how he truly feels about Yongguk. It’s not as if he is scared to let the other know about it, but Himchan feels way more than satisfied just having Yongguk by his side as a friend… as a best friend. He wouldn’t want to risk it and throw it away out of selfishness and he isn’t going to let himself ruin everything including the group, too. Himchan knows better than to act upon impulse which will only lead to destroying what Yongguk loves the most—B.A.P, and the thought of it alone makes Himchan feels sick to his stomach.

“Channie… here,” Yongguk appears out of nowhere and immediately hands Himchan a packet of facial tissue. He must have been sweating a lot that Yongguk finds the need to give Himchan that said object.

Smiling, Himchan extends his right hand and accepts the heart-printed packet just as fast, “Ah, thank you, Yongguk-ah,” and receiving a blinding gummy smile in return.

Perfect; that is the word that pretty much sums up Bang Yongguk in Himchan’s mind. Of course, he thinks even that is a tad bit insulting to be compared to such an amazing creature as Yongguk but there aren’t any other words in this world that could describe the leader better than that. Everything about the man screams perfection; his smiles, his laughs, his deep voice, and even his collarbone is just. ing. perfect.

Himchan has watched his best friend evolved from a very low self-esteem man, to the most confident leader he could ever ask for. He has been there by his side during his very first appearance as Bang Yongguk, a collaboration he made with the main vocalist of one of the most well-known group in South Korea, Beast. He has watched how Yongguk had paced around the set, nervous, as he waited for the filming of his very first music video as a musician. Himchan has also been there for him when Bang & Zelo first made appearance as a duo unit. Even though a part of him was a tad bit jealous over the fact that Junhong got chosen instead of him, Himchan still feels satisfied that he could offer even just a little comfort towards his best friend.

Just being with Yongguk is satisfying enough— and that is the logic that Kim Himchan has lived by. It keeps him alive until today and Himchan isn’t going to ask for more. He knows better than to even try.

This… is his kind of love.

“Hyung, you’re spacing out,” Jongup suddenly pokes at Himchan’s arm, receiving his full attention at once.

Fighting a blush, Himchan smiles and laughs it off awkwardly. He isn’t sure since when he is caught lost in his own thoughts but that can’t be helped. Today’s weather has been really hot that Himchan finds it hard to focus. And it isn’t helping when he just couldn’t see Yongguk anywhere near his sight. It makes him overwhelms all of a sudden. Where is he? Where is he?

“Jonguppie, hyungie’s going to walk around a bit, okay? You can keep the umbrella with you, that’s alright,” Himchan says as soon as Jongup attempted to hand him the black umbrella, probably thinking that his hyung might need it more than he does.

(cr. HOMERUN BAP)

Himchan pushes himself off the ground and begins wandering off relentlessly on the field, looking for a familiar figure to enter the frame of his eyes. He bows down a little whenever he bumps onto idols from this and that group, just for the sake of being polite, and continues walking again. At one point, Himchan could hear a couple of members from this girl group, talking about how he is just flawless and all. Sure, it flatters him but Himchan feels sorry more than anything—sorry that he doesn’t swing that way no matter how attractive as a man they find him to be.

Himchan’s steps die a few seconds later, as the image he longs to see appears before his eyes. He feels his stomach ties in a knot almost immediately and something occurs in his mind just as fast at this point… Yongguk does swing that way, however.

He isn’t mad, no, Himchan isn’t mad. He knows well enough not to meddle with Yongguk’s personal life. It’s enough that he could be by his side, protecting him from afar and comforting him when he’s in need. It’s enough that he could see his beaming, gummy smile once in a while, even though he might not always be the cause of it. It’s enough that he could be there for him, through thick and thin, as members of the same group. It’s a simple feeling of love—his kind of love.

*

“Taking pictures of BABYs, again?”

(cr. mint)

Himchan could feel the warm breath of Yongguk against his bare neck, tickling his poor skin in a rhythm that makes him want to giggle like a little girl—but then again, of course, as if he would show it right in front of Yongguk. He wouldn’t want the latter to think of how girly he is and thus, making everything seems really awkward. Himchan held it in, tilting his head a bit to meet Yongguk in the eyes and nods a little. The leader is standing dangerously close behind him and he feels the other’s strong hands on his shoulders a mere second later.

“Yeap. Why? Want me to take yours?” Himchan asks, a smile creeps on his face. He feels Yongguk tenses up a little and a sigh breezes at the back of his neck.

“Nah, I’m not a BABY,” Yongguk literally replies in English and chuckles loudly at how weird it sounds. He gives a light squeeze on Himchan’s shoulders and just as fast as he got there, Yongguk walks off again to the field, possibly to try and mingle with other idols.

Himchan sulks when Yongguk’s grips left his shoulders but he doesn’t protest. He turns around and watches as Yongguk chats happily with some members from some groups, Himchan doesn’t really bother to identify them anyway. It that as a leader, Yongguk is expected to live up to B.A.P’s name and that involves some serious such as socializing. Himchan always hates that, the fact that it means he will get fewer and fewer time to be with Yongguk. But he never complains. He knows his place.

For the rest of the day, Himchan doesn’t see Yongguk anymore until they are all waiting for the van to go back to the dorm. When the van arrives and Yongguk enters it first, making his way at the back seats, Himchan sprints as fast as he can as he shouts, “I’m second!” and receiving mocks and retorts  from the younger ones. He bumps a little on Yongguk’s shoulder and the leader smirks instantly, shifting a little to make sure there is enough space for Himchan at his own seat.

“Aish, hyung, no one wants to sit at the back anyway,” Youngjae snorts as he sits at the front seats with Daehyun and Junhong. Jongup climbs in and takes an empty seat beside Himchan and smiles his usual one. Seeing how he is sandwiched by his two most favorite people in the world, Himchan couldn’t help it but to feel content. Jongup is—hands down—his favorite little dongsaeng and Yongguk is just… his kind of love.

The van has drove off for a while and everyone seems to be fast asleep now—well, except for Himchan and Yongguk. Himchan suddenly takes out his phone from the front pocket of his jeans and cringes, his lips purses up in a cute way it makes Yongguk—who is staring—wants to pinch it.

His battery’s almost dead and they are still nowhere near their dorm and it . Himchan always loves listening to songs in the van and thus, he pulls off his earphones in frustration.

“… Here.”

Himchan is about to turn to his right when suddenly he feels Yongguk putting on one side of his own earphone in Himchan’s right ear and still keeping a straight face in the process. Himchan looks up, slightly blushing, and smiles when he hears a familiar song of Muse’s Unintended [x] blasting in his ear. It’s a song that Yongguk had introduced to him a couple of months ago and since then, it has been one of Himchan’s favorite song. The lyrics are what gets to him the most… and Himchan is happy enough to make up in his mind that the lyrics are Yongguk’s way of expressing his inner feelings—the feelings that should be left unsaid.

♫♪ “You could be my unintended”

 “You could be the one I'll always love”

“I'll be there as soon as I can, but I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before”

 “She could never be as good as you”

“You should be the one I'll always love” ♫♪

Himchan smiles. He hesitates for a while but he can’t seemed to stop when he finds himself leaning closer and casually rests his head on top of Yongguk’s shoulder. He waits for the other to pull away jokingly and let his head dangling off balance—like always—but this time Yongguk just let it go. In fact, if Himchan could still think straight, he swears he could literally feel Yongguk’s heart beating fast against his chest. The beatings are so very comforting that it lulls Himchan to close his eyes shut, enjoying the warmth of the other radiating to his own.

An eternity has passed and Himchan is already half-asleep when something suddenly slips through his mouth in the most softest hush Yongguk has ever heard in his entire life.

“… I feel special.”

A smile instantly creeps on the leader’s face as he gently wraps his arms around the visual of the group and pulls him closer. Closing his eyes as in letting the sleep to take over him, Yongguk bends down and hesitantly pecks a kiss at the tip of Himchan’s head.

“… You are.”

Sure, he would never find such courage to confess his feelings towards Yongguk but Himchan is happy with how things are going between them now, just the way it is. He feels lucky enough that he can be by Yongguk’s side, he feels lucky enough to have those beautiful eyes looking back at him, he feels lucky enough to feel random touches from the leader and above all, he feels lucky enough that he has learn to love the man with all his heart despite knowing well this feelings would go nowhere and still be very happy about it. Not many people can do that— not many people can just sit by and watch the love of their life and settle with just that, nothing more. But being Kim Himchan, he knows exactly how to settle… for now. Who knows what will happen in years to come but that doesn’t mean he will let go. No, Himchan will wait patiently for what would become of them two… because that, is his kind of love towards Bang Yongguk.

... his kind of love.

THE END,
for now (:

[A/N] Hee, I know this isn't exactly a happy ending but I myself is loving how bittersweet this turned out to be :D *smacks self* Anyway, comment if you like this or hate it or anything, I'm fine really.... just, keep me alive with comments, as usual, okay? :3 HIHIHIHI. Till next time, bye bye! - Mao.