Before My Eyes
Before My Eyes4MEN - I Regret It
I stared outside the window of the moving vehicle, watching my life move past me. The splashes of raindrops blurred my view of the beautiful scenery outside. The systematical skyscrapers that seemed to reach for the sky above. The young children stomping in puddles on the sidewalk despite their mothers' warnings. Couples that eagerly shared the comfort under an umbrella; an excuse for more skinship. The only thought that came to mind was that I couldn't be out there with them in the rain.
I had no regrets; that was what I had been telling myself ever since I made my decision. The decision to limit myself in order to please the society. The decision to throw my previous life away in order to create myself anew that others would view as perfect. Why had I made that decision? I had asked myself a hundred times more.
And for the nth time, I reminded myself again.
I wanted to stand on stage. I wanted to show myself to the world, doing what I loved.
"I want to break up." I finally said it. The words that I had to force out of my mouth.
"W-what?" he looked surprise for a second before laughing, "Silly me. I thought I just heard something funny but I don't think I heard correctly."
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jongdae.
"No. You heard correctly. I want to break up." I clenched my fist after seeing his expression as he registered my words. I bit my tongue so I wouldn't take my hateful words back.
"What do you mean, Somi.." he whispered, growing paler by the second. I hated myself for hurting him, for betraying him. I hated myself so much.
"I don't think I have to explain myself any further." I coldly spat back while I repeated the same words of apology over and over in my head. "I'm not planning on seeing you anymore."
"You. You can't." he looked for something to hold on to in panic. "I mean, today is our sixth anniversary together."
He was looking at anything but me. He has beautiful eyes, I remembered. I wondered if I would ever be able to gaze into them again. To get lost in his stare and feel content at the thought that he loved me. I had always felt that he could stare into my soul and read every bit of me, so I prayed now that my secret wouldn't be given away.
"I know." I replied. How could I forget today? April 28, 2009. Six years since we had confessed our feelings for each other. Two thousand and ninety one days of being together, going through arguments, having happy moments, going on dates together, and even spending hours just talking together. How could I forget?
"Then why? I-I had everything planned out. We would g-go to our favorite cafe and order fettuccini alfredo for me and tuna sandwich for you. A-and then we would walk to the park while holding hands and you would point out all the cute outfits on display in stores. I would make sure to remember them so I could buy it for your birthday." As he rambled on, I stopped myself from listening further. I couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes, though. I hated myself for being weak. I hated myself for breaking him. I hated myself for being selfish.
"Don't you get it?! I'm tired. I'm tired of you, our time spent together, and myself for pretending that this relationship would work out!" I exploded at him all for the wrong reasons. I was being mad at the wrong person. I was breaking our relationship all for an acceptance letter. I was leaving him because of my greed.
He didn't reply back and the silence was killing me. I wanted him to yell back at me, say anything hateful that would prove that he would forget about me after I left.
"SoMi, are you sure that's your only reason?" he finally spoke and this time, he looked at me straight in the eye. I shut my eyes, scared that he had already figured it out. I didn't dare open my mouth. So I just stood there like an idiot, not doing anything.
He finally spoke.
"I'm going to believe that our years together meant something to you like it did to me, and... I'm going to believe that you made this decision because you had a reason. So I'm going to respect your decision. I'm. I'm going to let you go."he whispered but I heard him clearly, even his unspoken words, "because I love you.."
No. That wasn't what he was supposed to say. Because I knew he had said that to make me feel better, to lessen my pain. He knew me, like he always did, but I knew him too. He knew I still loved him and I knew he wasn't going to forget. Like me.
So I opened my eyes and like the idiot I was, I let a part of my life walk away from me.
I'm sorry, Jongdae.
"Girls? We're going to be arriving at the fansign event in about five minutes so make sure you prepare all your things." our manager oppa, Sanghoon, said and that was enough to break me from my trance. I bent down from my position and reached for my heels reluctantly. Taking off my converse, I made sure that the band-aid on my heel was still there before I slid my beige stilettos on. I winced, feeling the new pressure on my wound.
Training began on day one, as soon as I enrolled as a trainee at SM Entertainment.I hadn't even had a chance to get used to my surroundings because everything happened so quickly. A staff member had escorted me to the practice room that I had only been able to see in videos and everything seemed like a dream to me.
Now four years had passed since I welcomed the low title as a trainee and I couldn't determine whether this was really a miraculous dream or just an enchanting nightmare. I didn't want to know the answer, because I was scared to be reminded of what I had sacrificed long ago.
Nevertheless, nightmare or not, my goal still remained the same: to debut. Every night before I went to bed, feeling every part of my body in pain, I closed my eyes and imagined myself on that runway with a microphone in hand, waving my hand to the crowd of fans. I saw myself on stage, dancing and singing with a sincere smile on my face because that was what I had wanted for so long. That was the only reason I had walked forwards, not looking backwards.
So I was here again this morning, with three of my reflections staring back at me from all sides. And here I was again this morning, putting aside the comfort of my tennis shoes and latching the straps of the heels to my ankles, ready to spend the day practicing for my future. I stared at the red pumps that scoffed at me.
"Somi?" I looked up to the owner of the voice. Yejin, one of my group members, walked towards me with a worried expression on her face. "How's your heel? Do you think you're okay for practice today? It looked pretty torn yesterday."
"I'm okay," I assured her,"I wouldn't have come all the way up here if a scratched-up ankle stopped me." I sarcastically chuckled. It was true, though. How many times had my calloused heel been torn? I couldn't even remember.
"Alright, but make sure you tell the staffs if the cut deepens." I nodded in response, although I knew I wouldn't in the end. I stood up and tried not to limp to the rest of my group. I would get used to the pain soon enough, right? Just like any other day, we began the day with either learning a choreography or perfecting previous ones we had learned. However, we had been going over the same thing for about two months now; I knew (all seven of us knew) from experience that this wasn't just a random decision made by our choreographer. SM was preparing for a new debut; specifically, us.
The only sounds in the practice room was the clack of the heels and heavy breaths over the loud music. Without even looking, I could feel the judging stare of the choreographer and staffers, probably predicting whether we worth it or not, if we would succeed or not. But I could see it, my path towards my long-dreamed goal. I just needed to run a little harder, a little bit longer and I could...
"Ah!" Without warning, my body was met with the hard floor. The music was stopped and everyone was silent, some in shock, some in worry, some in scorn. My gaze traveled down to my feet, the reason why I was the center of attention, no humiliation. The heel had completely broken off, which was when I had lost balance. As if that wasn't the worst that could happen, during the process, the wounded area on my ankle had worsened. The skin had ripped even more from the heels from practice and the fall, leading to severe bleeding.
But I couldn't feel the pain. Well, the physical pain atleast.
Instead, I could feel my heart shredding to pieces. Had my four years of practice been worth nothing? Was I only worth this much? The disappoint towards myself felt like a blow to the face. For being weak. For failing myself. For not being able to stand up.
"Somi, it'll be okay. They're bringing the first-aid over, it won't hurt soon. Oh, please don't cry." I heard Nayoon, our maknae, trying to comfort me.
No, you don't understand. The stress and disappointment and worries I had been denying and pushing away this whole time; the impact of it was overwhelming. I began to wonder if this was all in vain. That I would end up with less than I had started. That everything I had been running towards was just an illusion. That I had been too caught up in my own fantasy to realize how much the reality would hurt me. And others, I remembered.
So I started to run forward again, not because I was excited for what was coming. This time, it was because I was scared of what would be chasing after me if I looked behind.
Despite the cramp that was inching its way to my hand, I put on a smile and finished signing the album for the girl. The next fan slid his album to me, not deciding where to look. "What's your name?" I asked him, making eye contact with him.
"It's Park Jihoon." he replied, obviously happy to make his existence known to a celebrity (plus six more including my group members). I wrote a small message of thanks and good luck to him on my page of the album, before finishing it with a motion of my hand. In between, he and I made small talk before he passed on once again. I waited for the next fan in line, who was spending a lot of time with Yumin; after all, she was usually famous with the older fans.
Closing the cap of the silver sharpie, my eyes roamed over the sea of people in front of me. I could hear chants of all our names and once again, I was amazed at the feeling of being known and the popularity of our group. I grinned and waved at the crowd, seeing flashes go off at the same time. So this was how it felt to be at the top, I realized. I had finally reached it. So I looked back, ready to laugh at whatever had been trying to hunt me down, to try and stop me.
But I saw nothing behind me.
It was empty.
"Somi?" I felt Nabi nudge my shoulder, bringing me back to the fansigning event.
"Ohmygosh. I'm so sorry." I bowed my head in apology when I realized that the fan who had been waiting for me had skipped past me because I had taken too long. Determined not to space out again, I welcomed the next person with a small bow in apology because I was sure he had seen the incident. I grabbed my silver sharpie as he handed me the album.
His hands...
"Can I have your name?" I asked as I flipped to my section.
"I don't know if you'd want to know who I am." he replied.
Ah, found it. I smoothed down the pages before looking up, "What do you me--"
Everything stopped. The noises and movements of everything and everyone around me stopped. My breath caught in my throat, and I wasn't even sure if I had dropped the marker. The only thing I was sure of was that my chest seemed like it was going to burst and I opened my mouth to tell him how much it hurt, but nothing would come out. I was going to ask him what I had to do to be able to breathe normally again but I couldn't say anything.
"Kim Jongdae. Kim Jongdae is my name." he whispered, staring into my soul.
His eyes were beautiful, I remembered. But now, they seemed so empty yet so clouded. Clouded with pain, sorrow, hurt, and.. love? I felt another pang in my chest and wondered if Jongdae was seeing the exact same emotions reflected in my eyes. I wondered if he was hurting as much as me, no, maybe even more. Again, I was reminded that I was the one that had caused all this pain in the first place and hatred towards myself began resurfacing. But as I continued to search through his eyes, all of it disappeared because I saw that glint in his eyes again. The gaze that I had last seen five years ago. His gaze that didn't let me forget how much he loved me.
I looked down again, willing for the tears to go away. I bit my lips and pretended to write away as I had been doing for the past hour. Every of his name was being etched into my heart. After I had written his name, I stared at the blank page in front of me. What do I write? What could I write? I couldn't think of anything to write yet there was too many things I wanted to tell him.
Did I want to say sorry? Or that I still loved him? Or if he hated me after I abandoned him?
"Somi-ssi." I heard him begin but I couldn't face him. Not yet. "I wish I had all the time in the world to talk to you like this, face to face, but the world doesn't seem so fair, does it?" he chuckled. I slowly looked up at him, a weak smile forming on my face at his true words. He seemed to brighten up at my small but sure action because he continued. "At first, I questioned why the world was being so mean and unfair to me when I had done nothing wrong." I winced.
"But as time passed, I realized that this pain helped me to survive and come to appreciate the precious people and memories that I had taken for granted," he smiled at me, his eyes twinkling with a secret only the two of us knew about. "And you know what? It also taught me that it's okay to have hard times because that's what makes me who I am today. Don't you think so?" I felt a tear drip onto the album page. He knew me too well; he always knew what to say.
"What I want to tell you today is that it's okay to feel like you're stuck in one place, not being able to get anywhere, because you just need time to find the right path and make your way up. It's okay to cry when you're feeling hurt. It's okay to lean on someone's shoulder when you need help. It's okay not to smile sometimes because you just need to find something that will bring back your beautiful smile."
"You're right." I looked up at him, finally being able to smile after five years. And suddenly, I knew what I wanted to write.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jongdae, for loving me for who I am. Thank you for being there for me when I cried, when I was happy, when I was being stupid, and for letting me know what it felt like to be me. Thank you for all the memories we made together. Thank you for helping me find the answers to it all when I had been lost. Thank you for not forgetting and for appearing back into my life. Thank you for helping me to finally let go.
For everything.
I finished signing and handed the album back to him, trying to get even another glimpse of him to remember him by during the times I wouldn't see him. Just as he took a step away from me, I grabbed his wrist. "You'll come see me again, right?" I whispered hopefully, not caring about the groans of the fans and the shocked looks of my group members. He only replied with a warm laugh and I prayed that it was the answer that I had wanted.
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