*beep beep beep*

The sound of nurses and doctors woke jonghyun from his slumber. His eyes lingers as he faintly nodded to the doctor, confirming them that he was fine.

But reality was, he was crushed.                    

Changjo slept for three days straight. The doctors didn’t know what to do as there was nothing wrong. His vitals were fine and the concussion he has on his head healed perfectly long ago but somehow there was no reaction. It was like he was in his deep coma all over again.

But when he woke up, pieces of him were finally complete. A huge part of him that was missing returned. His memories.

The nurses were just about to leave, when they stopped. Holding in their tears too as they silently watches over the patient who finally woke from a painful dream. Changjo who never cried so much in his life was screaming and sobbing his heart out on the medical bed. Gripping the pillows tight as tears started to drench his pale blue shirt.

 He remembered it all now, each moment, each bright smiles and each tears they had shed together. The way he had held changhyun inside his arms watching the bright moon together through the window of their warm home. A home he had forgotten and left behind while he was abroad. Everything was finally in place except one…

Yoo changhyun.

When discharged, he was a different man. The cheerful strong lad had disappeared the moment his eyelids opened. But instead he was the choi jong hyun he used to be, just tainted with sorrow and pain within his eyes. As he traces his way home, a path he had not walked for years. Each step accompanied with flooding tears as he recalls yoo changhyun’s faint memories.

Opening the old creaky door, jonghyun stood frozen in front of the apartment he once called home. A place he would rather be than studying abroad, living the lavish life his mother had offered. His return was perfectly timed, as midnight came the moment his foot stepped in.

The clocked pointed 12 am, as jonghyun sat on the dusty couch waiting for a special creature to appear. Silence filled the air as Changjo patiently waited, wiping each escaping tears as the house were filled with his memory with Ricky.

Then the lights went out and a strong breeze opened the tightly closed windows. It was winter, so such strong wind was a merely possible but that night it blew so strong that the heavy wool curtains had snapped. Instead of pitch black the room was glimmered with the gentle light of the full moon. The strong winter wind grazed changjo’s face as he closes his eyes and inhaled slowly.

There it was… a scent that had disappeared from changjo’s life, light and fresh. It was ricky’s favourite cologne, changjo’s smirk became a wide grin. Even though tears were painting his cheeks that scent brought unimaginable happiness within the boy’s soul as the boy silently whispered.

“He’s here”

Jonghyun smiled as he slowly open his eyes. He looked straight to the glistening ricky by the window. Indeed the boy was beautiful, lightened by sheer moonlight on his pale milky skin. Yoo changhyun smiled too, a slight grin tainted with frail sorrows. Changjo stood up and walked closer.

“hajima changjo ya. Dd..don’t come near. You’re close enough,so…”

Those words were like millions of bullets slitting his aching heart. Jonghyun wanted to get closer, to hold changhyun like before. Hugging him tight and never letting go. But deep in his heart he knew it was impossible, the person he is seeing was not the person he used to love.

“I’m sorry”

“Anya…its fine. Must be hard for you right….

to stay…”

“h..how long has it been….?”

Ricky was surprised with the question. Changjo could see it through changhyun’s bright round eyes, the question had made him uneasy. Both of them knew that this was coming. That the moment the truth is revealed, ricky can no longer stay and that it was their last chance to say their farewell.

“remember four months ago? When you moved in, that night where we met through the window”

“it.. was the day after”

The news had struck changjo like a swarm of lightning. His heart dropped to his knees and his weak body trembled. He knew of changhyun’s death, but not the fact that he was the reason behind it.

“i…I killed you”

Tears cascaded down changjo’s cheeks as his warm skin paled with horror. He stared at ricky with bloodshot eyes pleading the boy for forgiveness. Changhyun who was just as heartbroken cried along, filling the silence with sobs and wails.

“no! please… jonghyun ya. Don’t do this… I went through this before I met you again”

“guilt…it eats away our happiness changjo ya so please..”

“it was never your fault pp..pabbo ya. I was sick the whole time okay. Without you by my side..”

“no one nagged me to eat my meds so I was living life ha..haaha”

Ricky lets out a slight laughter as he tried to smile. It broke changjo more to see how much effort needed for the boy to smile, to ease jonghyun of overwhelming guilt. But he knew that behind all those sorrow there was a thin strand of joy. And it shone across all those tears within the rims of changhyun’s eyes.

“its… not your fault jonghyun ya”

Ricky said it once again this time with a lot more sincerity and pain. Changjo knew ricky well, so he gathered all his strength and faked a faint smile. It looked so fake since the boy’s eyes were bloodshot and  non-stop overflowing tears that somehow it brought a slight giggle from changhyun.

“huh… yeah.i get it…”

“your heart….."

 "Was it that bad when I left? Why weren’t you eating your med properly u rascal”

Changjo scoffed, holding in his tears while putting in all his effort to maintain that smile ricky had loved so much.

“im sorry…it was fine but it got worse a year after you disappeared”

“gosh the doctor even said I wouldn’t last another year with this useless weak heart.”

“but another year came.. then another..and that was when I finally found you.”

“this weak heart of mine got tired I guess… the moment I found you, it finally stopped.”

“but… its okay. That little guy worked hard all these years to keep beating…”

“changjo…”

Changjo who was staring at the floor, hiding the rain of tears looked up to ricky again. And once more he drew a faint smile as he answered changhyun’s call. It was so painful to hear how much ricky had suffered. Changjo couldn’t stop the guilt from drowning him…. As he watches ricky’s soul getting brighter. The midnight was slowly fading… and time slowly escaped their grasp.

“changhyun yah… you’re… fading away…”

“jonghyun’ya listen… do you hear it?”

“yeah … its my hear..t beat.. its so lonely alone…beating by its own”

“no.. it means that its strong. My weak heart became strong the moment you loved me, do you know that? I lived three more magnificent years because of you… yes maybe I was lonely”

“since those two years you were away but I didn’t waste it. Changjo’ya I lived..”

“I lived because of you”

“because I know, there’s a reason why I didn’t die on our anniversary night. I knew that you were alive and I waited and waited to see it with my own two eyes”

“and goodness there you were under a moonlight bright like tonight, taking my breath away”

“I am so glad that my life ended the moment I saw your beautiful bright smile, it gave me peace and now this… the reason im here is because..”

“I want to thank you … for making me strong just like you choi jong hyun….”

Those words were long and excruciating but it only meant one thing. It was something that they both had missed. Their farewell. Changjo’s strength faded with each word spoken and lastly all he could do was cry. There was no more determination or resistance, the agony was just too much. He didn’t want part, he didn’t want to let go, no…. he wanted ricky back. Alive and bright by his side because even now and even before ricky was jonghyun’s little sun. How is he supposed to live if the sun had vanished…. He thought to himself as his crashed to the ground kneeling in front of ricky.

“mianhae.. for leaving you,.. for breaking this promise right now”

“I told you that I would smile brightest before you go but he..here..ugh I am …crying”

“mi..mianhae.. im.. so..sorry, changhyun yah.. don’t.. llea..leave me”

Seeing the boy he loved so much in agony, ricky cried just as much as he too kneeled. But this time he was closer, his faint cold hands reached changjo’s trembling grip as he looked into the younger’s eyes. Escaping tears fell from changhyun’s eyes as it turns into mist, the time has come. It was his last pull of strength from disappearing. He inhaled slowly, holding in the sobs and wails as he moves his face closer to changjo.  Then their lips finally met and the younger boy felt it, like a frozen petal on his warm lips. The first and last kiss from the moment they met and loved even if they had been windows apart…..

The moment they kissed, ricky started to fade. Changhyun’s body slowly dissolved with the breeze, but the boy’s face was still locked on jonghyun’s. Tears dripping from the elder’s cheeks tainted changjo’s skin like a drop of ice cold water. But somehow it felt warm, actually it was the warmest feeling changjo have had within his whole life. Then when changhyun was almost completely gone, the elder whispered to jonghyun words that have became his savior.

“it’s okay changjo’ya… you’ll be fine, you already are”

“I love you”

And with those simple words, ricky disappeared. Along with the chilling cold breeze of a winter night, glistening with blissful full moon’s glow.

Leaving changjo behind with a tears tainted cheeks and a hopeful faint smile…..

"im home.. ricky'ya"