cloud dancer

cirrus;

Beneath the sweep of depthless sky with splattered stars, it seems so easy to be drawn into the endless eternity that it promises. So Kai is careful when he shifts among the grass stalks, as not to fall forward into it all. The only thing that grounds him is the presence beside him.

Yixing rests there, eyes closed and chestnut hair tousling in the breeze. His chest rises evenly, appearing deeply asleep. But Kai knows better. He sits up and opens his mouth to ask—

“You want to know how I knew.”

The statement shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it always does. Kai really should know by now that Yixing has an uncanny ability to know what he is thinking.

Flipping onto his stomach and peeking up through his curtain of hair, he says, “I’ve always noticed you, you know?” His bare feet swing back and forth. “That’s how I knew.”

“When?”

“When you were flying your kite,” the older replies, finger making a twirling motion.

Kai considers it.

Seeing his expression, Yixing sits up too. “I knew you were special,” he murmurs, reaching over to lace his fingers through Kai’s and his eyes sparkling in the night, “because you could see me dance.”

Their lips meet in the quiet of the night as if there is nothing wrong. And Kai lets go as they fall. It doesn’t matter where, or how fast and hard, just as long as they are together.

cumulus;

Bam! Kai shoves open the door with a deafening crash, slamming the door against the wall. There is one door but it’s a room with no exit.

Dropping into the chair that he pulled out hastily, he fumbles at containers on the desk, knocking everything to the floor until he finds a pen. But his hand shakes so badly that it takes three times for him to hold it properly.

He has to write this story. Even if it has ended, he still has to write it. For him. For Yixing.

I will write it, Kai thinks as he reaches into a drawer and grabs a fistful of random papers. I will write the story that will never end in my heart.

The tip of the pen sinks into the crumpled sheets that are suddenly stained with tears.

I’ll rewrite it again, he swears to himself. Our story will not end. There is no such thing as an end for us. I rewrite it once again…

cirrostratus;

He had known right away that Kai didn’t belong there.

Moving in right beside him and chocolate eyes focused ahead, the older man told him through firm lips to follow and show no emotion. Kai immediately steeled himself despite the rush of emotion– fear at the unknown danger, relief in his rescuer’s presence. They drifted together among the spectral wanderers to around a corner, only slightly more purposeful than the ones around them. Kai moved in time with the other and hardly dared to breathe.

When they passed the corner and out of sight, the chestnut-haired man relaxed. Turning and smiling, he apologized for startling him. Then he leaned forward to stare into Kai’s eyes.

“You have fire in your eyes, Kai,” he commented. “You’re a Dancer.”

“How do you know—? What is—?” Kai started, but he was silenced by a finger against his lips.

“It doesn’t matter,” the other said firmly. “You must get a new name. Once they take your name away, you’ll be trapped without it.”

At a loss, Kai just nodded.

Looking satisfied, the man patted his cheek comfortingly before turning away. “Oh,” he added, “and I’m Lay.” His smile spread beautifully across his lips. “We will see each other soon.”

“Lay…” Kai repeated.

The word settled on his tongue but it somehow didn’t match. Like a new layer of paint upon a wall, Lay’s name didn’t seem to fit him and explain or cover all the crevices. But before he could ask, Lay slipped away into the darkness, leaving Kai wondering, curious, unfulfilled.

They named him Jongin.

It seemed that Lay had a fair amount of influence to say the least in this world and had managed to convince the towering despair spirits that ruled this realm that Kai was no different from the others and would cause no trouble. Kai had trembled, his head bowed before these restless form-shifting apparitions, but he was soothed by Lay’s slight touch on his back. They assigned Kai — now Jongin — to Lay to ensure that the latter kept his word.

He took Jongin to a shed on the furthest most edge of the land. There, they made their home and Lay taught him more about this world. It was a world of the lost and hopeless. It was a world of limbo and wanderings.

Any forceful emotion and movement would ripple throughout the calm and disturb the equilibrium. Dancers were the balance-tippers and must be reined in by the warmth-sapping void that was depression.

Dancers, Lay explained, a slender finger drawing diagrams into the sandy floor, were people who had wandered into this world by some circumstance. Everyone was once a Dancer, but (Lay shook his head then), they gave in, gave up. They became Stagnants, unable to escape the perpetual darkness.

No one was meant to be in this world, but very few had the strength to leave.

Lay told him that he had stayed here to search for the Dancers that didn’t belong like Kai and risked it all for them to help them escape.

“How many have you helped?”

It was an innocent question, but Kai immediately regretted it when a flash of emotion flashed across those eyes before it was blinked away.

“Not enough,” Lay said simply, not quite meeting his eyes. “Just promise me, that you’ll fight.”

“Of course.”

The warm smile returned to Lay’s lips and Kai knew it suited him far better than sadness. They moved on and didn’t pursue the subject further.

Jongin must be sweet, gentle and meek, Lay taught him. “You must hide your intensity, Kai,” he said. “You are a fighter, but there are times to be assertive. That time is not now. We must wait bide our time.”

Then Lay stood up and offered Kai a smile with his hand. “But we can dance. You are born to dance, I can tell.” His grip was strong as he helped Kai up and pulled him away.

And Kai followed. As he did that day and always will.

They found their rhythm effortlessly.

Though they must control their emotions and movements to not draw attention, there was no issue. For Lay was the lightning and Kai was the thunder. Where Lay was smooth precision and control, Kai was practiced freedom and ease. Controlling and reigning in the passion was only second nature for them, which liberated them to explore each other’s style.

Kai never knew a life without dance. It was the only thing that he had. People had come and left his life like travelers through a hotel – quietly and without impression. So he never regarded human interaction as something vital.

But suddenly he found a life with Lay was more than just possible. It was wanted, desired, even needed. Because every time they harmonized in the hushed beats of the broken radio, Kai realized that Lay had done something that none else had done before.

He understood.

Lay understood the only language that Kai spoke. As they moved in time, matching and complementing each other, Kai knew he could do this forever. Dancing, laughing, being with Lay.

Often, always.

Perhaps even forever.

“Why doesn’t anyone try to escape?”

“Because it’s just easier — to fall into limbo, to stop fighting, to never come back.”

“Then how do you hold on?”

“Because I know that it’s really a choice between being happy or being alive.”

Beneath the sweep of depthless sky with splattered stars, it seemed so easy to be drawn into the endless eternity that it promises. So Kai was careful when he shifted among the grass stalks, as not to fall forward into it all. The only thing that grounded him was the presence beside him.

Lay rested there, his eyes closed and chestnut hair tousling in the breeze. His chest rose evenly, appearing deeply asleep.

But Kai knew better. He sat up.

“I love clouds,” Lay murmured without opening his eyes. “They drift so aimlessly, separating us from the heavens, the bridge between reality and fantasy. But,” he opened his eyes. “They are always able to let go and let the rain wash everything away.”

Kai just nodded, paying more attention to the way Lay’s lips moved than what he actually said. A question rose in his throat and he opened his mouth to—

“You want to know how I knew.”

The statement shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it always did. Kai really should know that Lay had an uncanny ability to know what he was thinking.

Flipping onto his stomach and peeking up through his curtain of hair, he said, “I’ve always noticed you, you know?” His bare feet swung back and forth. “That’s how I knew.”

“When?”

“When you were flying your kite,” the older replied, finger making a twirling motion.

Kai considered it.

Seeing his expression, Lay sat up too. “I knew you were special,” he murmured, reaching over to lace his fingers through Kai’s and his eyes sparkling in the night, “because you could see me dance.”

Their lips met in the quiet of the night as if there is nothing wrong. And Kai let go as they fell. It didn’t matter where, or how fast and hard, just as long as they were together.

There were many nights where Lay woke screaming. Since they shared the same hard bed, Kai’s arms would instinctively curl around the older’s trembling shoulders, pulling him down, sighing and combing comforting mantras of It’s okay, It’ll be okay into Lay’s hair. His hands rubbing protection spells up and down his back.

It was during one of these nights that they found their broken edges and mended them together with each other’s love.

He woke again like he always did, eyes streaming and cold sweat on skin. But this time Kai knew, felt the citadel walls breaking down.

“I lost him, Kai,” Lay whimpered, forgetting to call him by his given name. His shaking hands clutching at Kai’s thin shirt. “I lost Kyungsoo…”

Kai didn’t ask—he never needed to. He just held those tear-streaked cheeks in his hands, thumbs wiping and warming.

Between soft cries and staccato breaths, Kai learned that D.O was once Kyungsoo. That Kyungsoo was once a Dancer who was in love with a Stagnant. That Kyungsoo was the only one that Lay couldn’t save.

“He was struggling so much, with himself and his place,” Lay said, “I hated how much he was hurting. I loved him so much, I couldn’t watch. So I just let go…”

He looked up to meet Kai’s eyes and there was such deep pleading in those depths for something that it made Kai want to change the world so that it wouldn’t keep hurting beautiful things like Lay.

“I took his name away, Kai.” He buried his face in his hands and the next words were muffled. “I’m so horrible, useless…”

“That’s not true.”

Kai gently but firmly took Lay’s hand from his face, pulled it forward until it rested on his chest. He knew Lay could feel it, the drumming against his ribcage like tears of a cloud on sidewalks. Then he stared at Lay, wanting, needing the other to know, and said, “If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be alive.”

Lay looked at Kai for only a few seconds before he was falling across the small space so fast that Kai could scarcely gasp before it was lost in the tangling of Lay’s piano fingers through Kai’s hair to pull Kai across to fit their lips fiercely together.

It was neither a surprise nor a battle for dominance. He let Lay take control, allowing himself to be pushed back until Lay was on top of him. Letting him work through his emotions with teeth and tongue, fumbling hands on Kai’s shoulders. His hands wandered instead up the thin fabric of Lay’s shirt to grip the hipbones and it fit so perfectly that Kai knew that this was how it should be.

How it should always be.

When they pulled apart for a breath, chests heaving, Lay said, with voice shaking and lips trembling, “I want you to call me by my real name.”

Kai nodded and slid his hands from Lay’s hips to his waist, flipping the older over so he couldn’t run away. “What is it?” He growls huskily against Lay’s ear.

They kissed again. And Lay sighed the most beautiful word in between Kai’s lips.

Yixing

“You know,” Yixing says. “If you put our real names together, it’s Kaixing. In Chinese, it means Open my heart.” His piano fingers form the characters against Kai’s stomach in continuous arabesque. “It also means Happiness.”

He looks up and smiles, though sadness touches at the corners of those shining eyes. “Maybe then you’ll think of me when you’ve left this place.”

Kai’s heart pangs. Reaching down to cup Yixing’s face, he says with his eyes sincere, “I’ll always think of you, because you’ll be there with me.”

Yixing says nothing, just pulls back to settle down, nuzzling his nose into the valley of Kai’s neck, breathing deeply.

As his eyes flutter closed, Kai pulls his lover closer and knows that together, they are happiness.

Kai should’ve known that it all was too good to last. He wondered why he had never considered the possibility but deep down he knew it was because he believed that Yixing was different than all the ones before him, that he’d stay.

In the end, it broke them.

One day when Yixing had gone for a walk, he stumbled on it one day and knew what it was right away. The rip between this dark world and reality. The gateway back home.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, staring at the portal and feeling every feeling, every emotion, everything all at once. Yixing came looking for him. But he froze, dread sinking into every crevice of that face, consuming.

For a long time, neither spoke. Then

“Why?”

Yixing’s expressions darkened and suddenly he looked a thousand years old. “Jongin, I—”

“Don’t call me that!” Kai shouted, his hands shaking from restraint. He tried to breathe, to regain control but it’s so hard to stay calm when all of the castles come crashing down from the sky. “When?”

“I had always known,” Yixing admits, voice low. “I had only hoped—”

A piercing scream ripped through the air and through Kai’s body, leaving a shaken frame behind. It echoed for a moment followed by a heavy silence. But it was short lived. More screeches, more shrieks split the air until they could hear nothing else.

Kai tore his eyes from the source of the noise to look at Yixing. The latter pale and shaking harder than the earth, could manage a “They’re coming.”

Before he could react, there was crash and the earth beneath their feet slowly trembled and then began to move.

Yixing snapped out of it faster. He whipped around and shoved Kai towards the portal. “Go!”

“But I’m not leaving without—”

Yixing’s lips cut off the rest of Kai’s sentence in a bruising kiss that was enflamed with a desperate need. Their tears, slipping unnoticed, mixed together, painting their kiss with even more pain and tragedy. They wanted nothing more than to be like this, forever and always, and nothing less.

But their time was running out. Too soon, far too soon, they broke apart.

“We are happiness, Kai,” Yixing said, his hands holding his lover’s face. His eyes were bright and they flew across Kai’s face as though he had just been asked to memorize it. “We will always be together. Now go!”

A push and Kai was falling. Falling with don’t go please I love you stuck in his throat. Darkness at the corner of his eyes closed in...

cumulonimbus;

I can’t leave your sweet presence. I will hold onto you, I can’t let you go

Even today, I’m still living in that story, where you and I are still together

Kai screams but there is no escaping the monsters because they exist in his own head.

Then something clatters to the floor, an echoing sound compared to the rustling of the paper storm. His hand shakes as he picks up the gun.

It could all just end now. He can rewrite the story. He lifts it to his hand and—

“Stop!”

Chanyeol’s eyes widen with every words he reads. Then he rounds on Kai. “What the do you think you’re doing?”

Kai ignores him.

Bam! “Snap out of it!” Even in Kai’s completely unfeeling state, the punch flares something inside him. He tries to throw a punch back, but Chanyeol is much faster.

Grabbing the front of Kai’s shirt, Chanyeol throws him against a wall. Pinned against the cold surface and feeling the chill seeping in, the momentary fire extinguishes.

And this only infuriates the taller more. “This isn’t a ing fairytale!” He said, driven by his anger at the other’s silence. “Especially,” his grip on Kai’s collar tightens, “when you are the villain.”

No response.

“You were breaking him, suffocating, smothering him,” Chanyeol continues, anger reaching a new height that he growls. “But he loved you. My own brother loved you more than me, more than himself. He knew that you could only move on with him gone. He knew you. Maybe even better than you know yourself.”

Kai looks away. With a rough shove, Chanyeol lets go, but doesn’t move away. Neither of them says anything, Chanyeol watching and Kai avoiding his eyes by watching the sky outside the window darken with storm clouds.

When Chanyeol finally speaks again, his voice is gentler and Kai can feel the restraint he exerts. “You can’t keep doing this. You’ve gone and built this world of magic so that you can run away because you’re scared, Jongin—”

“Don’t call me that!” Kai bursts out.

But Chanyeol isn’t fazed and continues, “You’re scared of feeling. You’re scared of letting go, losing control. You have to choose, Kai – stay trapped in this” he holds up the fistful of papers “where you’re ‘happy’, or move on.”

While Chanyeol is saying this, Kai covers his ears, falling to the floor with moans of No, no, no, no

“It will hurt. I know it will ing hurt. But that’s just part of being alive. I want to help, but it isn’t my place to show you the way out. You must find it out on your own. Like I had all those years ago…”

“You’re a fighter, Kai. Don’t give in. You – we can get through this. Together. Okay?”

Kai thinks about the days that had followed Yixing’s disappearance. He had just pretended to be okay, continued to lie to everyone, to himself, just lying and lying until—

And now he breaks down. He caves into the weight of his lies and the pain that he had been so afraid of succumbing to.

Because at the end of the day, Kai still slips into an empty bed and wakes up just as alone. He walks the blurred days and nights without the warmth of his lover’s presence. He no longer has the dimpled smile that kisses him awake and reminds him of promises of forever.

He cannot not pretend anymore.

Chanyeol leaves him somewhere in the chaos, knowing that grief is best handled alone.

Kai doesn’t know how long he cries there. It isn’t until a rumble of thunder outside pries him from his bundle. He walks numbly to the window and pushes it open. The wind immeately chills the tear-tracks on his face. All he sees are the clouds are dark and heavy. But he doesn’t just see a layer of storm-bringers. He also sees the bridge between their worlds.

He had always known that the world would someday end. But it doesn’t end the way he thought it would – with a bang or crash of destruction.

Instead, it is a slip of the eraser, a dropping of a pen, ink splattering onto the floor, trails rewriting a story that he could no longer finish.

Instead, it just simply falls apart.

cirrocumulus;

Beneath the flashes of lightning and growling thunder, he thinks of fair skies and downy clouds and things in the sky that no one else could see.

Where others saw animals, faces, shapes in the clouds, Kai sees is an entirely different world. He sees a boy with a dimpled grin dancing among shadow-people suspended in motion—his smooth limbs and ever smoother movements a sharp contrast to the silhouettes.

The end of Kai’s world is the beginning of the boy’s; where the sky is Kai's ceiling, it is his floor. Blurred, separate, yet together.

As the bullet-rain pours down, soaking everything in without care, Kai thinks of Yixing. Stretching and reaching out to catch the last of an elusive dream that bleeds everywhere.

Further and further…

Further

A/N: omfg I’m so sorry about the lack of editing, I had to make a deadline. I'll come back and MAJORLY edit it ASAP

Wow, it's been such a long time since I wrote something that's over 1.5k :D Certainly was a challenge

Anyway, so, just to clarify, I created that world to represent the idea of grieving, inspired by JK Rowling's interpretation of depression in the form of Dementors. That escapism is not the answer, that we all have to face these monsters and pain in order to move on. I wish I had more time to go more into depth, but I'll do my best to incorporate them into later drafts.

If you have questions, please let me know and I’ll do my best to explain!

Thank you for reading this~