If I knew that that one night we last fought was going to change everything, then I should have never opened my mouth.

That one night when extremely deep sighs were let out along with tears streaming down my face, of course I only cried when the person I was fighting with walked out of the house.

Mind you, that person didn’t come home that night.

Lee Sungmin wasn’t that kind of person before, but eight years could truly change the person that you love. I didn’t expect that from him. He was the most caring man that I’ve ever loved; that I will always love. Our fights before usually ends up with me being in his arms, sobbing like a little kid who just got his toy stolen away, in the living room’s sofa. Even after I finish crying, he would still hold me in his embrace whispering that everything would be alright.

Not anymore.

~

“Sungmin, it’s been two weeks since we last talked.” If he could stand the silence around our house, well I can’t.

“Oh really now?” Sungmin replied with much sarcasm in his voice.

“Please, I don’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t even think we’d fight over something petty. I’m sorry.” If I didn’t apologize, then who will? His pride has been through the roof lately and I really don’t want to wait for an apology from him because we both know that it’s not going to happen.

“Something petty? You called my mother Satan’s Helper!” Sungmin retorted.

Unbelievable. I didn’t even know he got offended by that. “I’ve been calling her that for eight years now and all you ever did before was laugh and tell me she’s just jealous that you love me more now,” I answered back.

“Well, it’s time for you to stop calling her that.”

“Oh come on, Sungmin, we both know that she treats me horribly.”

He didn’t say anything anymore. He grabbed his coat and left the house. I didn’t want to stop him. I don’t know what I did for him to be so moody lately, but one thing’s for sure—I still love him.

~

A couple of days later, we were back to normal.

He kissed me before he left for work. He told me he loves me. He called me on my lunch break to ask how I was. He reached home before me, and when I got home, there was dinner on the dining table. It was nothing special. He just made his special spaghetti with garlic bread on the side. No candles, no slow nauseating music that we both hate. It was just the two of us.

But I know that this was just a mere apology from him. I know that nothing is the same anymore.

I know that his heart is not with me anymore.

“So how’s work?” I asked.

“It was okay,” he answered me shortly which he never did before. He would go on and on about how doctors are always busy in the hospital even sometimes accidentally bumping into a nurse like him. He used to tell me about how much he hates this one nurse named Lee Hyukjae. He used to tell me about the parking lot having a ghost on the third floor.  

Lee Sungmin, my boyfriend, wasn’t the same Sungmin that I fell in love with eight years ago.

We finished eating dinner without saying anything else to each other besides the vacant stares that he stole. It was like he wanted to tell me something, but he hesitated.

“I noticed that we didn’t have any milk,” Sungmin said, getting up from his seat to put his plate in the sink. “I’m going to go out and buy us one.”

I just nodded.

That same night, I waited for him in our room. What would you think if your lover has been gone for three hours just to get milk and is not even answering any of your calls? I was worried, but something tells me that he’s fine. Since it’s late already and I have work tomorrow, I decided that I should just go to sleep.

~

The next morning when I woke up, I saw Sungmin’s body lying on our bed. His face was facing mine and that’s when I realized that he had started growing white hair. I realized that his forehead was starting to get wrinkly. I realized that his lips weren’t as cherry red than before. So I thought, have I been giving him so much stress that he’s starting to get old?

Without knowing it, I started sobbing uncontrollably making Sungmin stir from his slumber. He hugged me with the same caring hug that I was used to. In that moment, I felt his love again. I felt that everything will be okay. I felt that we’ll be okay. I felt protected.

But moments are not meant to last.

He broke away from me and wiped my tears away. I simply stared at him until I calmed down. His face didn’t show any signs of care and love at all. It showed sadness, regret, pity, and worst of all, love wasn’t there anymore.

“What’s happening to us, Sungmin?” I finally asked.

“Kyuhyun…” was all he said.

We laid there for at least a couple of minutes trying to figure out what to say to each other. I hated the silence because it only proved that there’s something he’s been meaning to tell me.

“Do you still love me? Do you still love me, Sungmin?” I was hesitant to ask the question, but I needed to know.

“I don’t know,” he replied.

“You don’t know? It’s a yes or no question, Sungmin.” He stared at me and I stared at him back.

“What do you want me to say then?”

“The truth, Sungmin, that’s all I need.” There was something in me that wanted him to lie. There’s a feeling in the air that whatever he was going to tell me was going to break me. “Do you still love me?”

The scariest part happened. Sungmin shook his head, and then said, “No.”

Due to shock we spent more time in silence. For once in my life, I loved the silence. I didn’t want him to say more. I don’t want him to tell me that he’s leaving me. I don’t want to hear the sad reality and that is him falling in love with someone else. I don’t want for his last words to be said.

“I want to travel around the world, Kyuhyun,” he finally spoke once again. “You hate airplanes. I want to go hiking, but you’re scared of bugs. I want to live in the city, but you don’t like the fast-paced life. I want to have a pet, but you hate animals.”

“You want to meet new people,” I added which shut him up. “I just realized how selfish I’ve been to you. Because of my fear of heights, I’ve hindered you from seeing how beautiful this world is. Because of stupid bugs that are extremely harmless, I’ve not seen how it’s like to be on top of the world. Because I can’t sleep with so many lights on, you didn’t get to enjoy the night view. Because I used to be allergic to dogs and cats when I was a kid, you left your dog at your parents’ house.”

“I never blamed you for that, Kyuhyun.” He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead.

“How long have you been thinking about leaving me?” I asked, and I hoped he wouldn’t lie.

“Just recently.” He’s lying.

“Have you been meeting other people already?”

I saw him hesitate. “No.” He’s lying again.

“Sungmin, if you want this relationship to end well, please stop lying. You haven’t been thinking about this just recently. You wouldn’t be out all night “buying milk.” You haven’t worn the promise ring we gave each other for 5 months now.”

He looked at his right hand and realized that I was right. He didn’t even know he hasn’t been wearing it anymore. He probably doesn’t even know where he had put it.

“Never mind about the ring, I just want to know if you have loved me during those eight years, Sungmin. Through all those kisses, hugs, fake break-ups, me and you being moody, and other stuff, did you ever love me?”

He looked straight into my eyes, and said “Yes.” And then I knew, he wasn’t lying at all.

~

It has been three months since Sungmin and I broke up. I was feeling fine. We ended the relationship pretty well. I cried myself to sleep at night for at least a month. I got rid of some of the stuff that he had given me. The promise ring that he gave me was one of the things that I disposed. My family and friends has been very helpful and has been keeping my mind off of Sungmin.

Tonight, it was one of my friends’ birthday and he decided to have a small gathering at a small pub that Sungmin and I used to frequently go to.

As soon as I walked in the pub, there I saw right in front of my eyes, Lee Sungmin, the man that I loved—and probably will always love—was  flirting with someone, and that someone isn’t just a normal person.

It was a woman.

-끝-