“It’s pretty,” I breathe out, watching the exhilarating sunset on top of a hill overlooking most of the city. Luhan brought me here to watch just like we always did before I got into the accident.

 

“Do you remember anything here?” He asks.

 

I shake my head and I’m not entirely lying. “It doesn’t matter,” I tell him. “I love you,” I tell him, glancing at him.

 

He smiles at that and holds my gaze. “Love is mysterious right?” He asks. “You can love a lot of things but they say that you cannot love a lot.”

 

He told me that he says that a lot before I got into the accident. I can vaguely remember those words but for some reason, there’s something missing. There’s something wrong about the way he says the word ‘love’.

 

I just can’t put my finger on it.

 

I shake off those thoughts and revel in the sunset with him. Luhan has been spoiling me since I got into the car accident. At times it annoys me but I can’t deny how it brings butterflies to my stomach and it makes me giddy inside.

 

But there’s just something missing.

 

I got into a car accident a few months ago and I was comatose for three days. Thankfully there wasn’t much damage to me, other than my memory loss.

 

And I have a loving boyfriend.

 

“Are you cold?” He asks me.

 

I shake my head. “It’s because you’re here with me.”

 

I can hear him chuckling again. “Aigoo, jagiya. Aren’t you watching too much drama?”

 

That. That made me very nostalgic. “You like it either way,” I pull away and stick my tongue at him.

 

He wraps an arm around me and says, “I love you.”

 

I keep myself from biting my lip. There’s something missing from his words.

 

I smile at him nonetheless and return his words of affection with equally sincere ones in my part.

 

“Are you going to work tomorrow?” I ask him.

 

He thinks for a while before he nods. “Is there somewhere you want to go to?”

 

I shake my head. “I was just asking. Do your best okay?”

 

“Aigoo,” he pinches my nose affectionately. “If my jagiya says so then I’ll be so excited I won’t be able to sleep.”

 

I pinch his cheeks in retaliation. “Then you won’t be really pretty and I can lose the insecurity of having a beautiful boyfriend.”

 

There are times when my words just catch Luhan by surprise. He drops his cute antics and he suddenly goes rigid and extremely serious. “Jagiya, you’re insecure about me?”

 

I stare at him and say, “Ah… I was just joking, Luhan. You take me too seriously.”

 

The silence that transpires after this is awkward which is strange because I’m not… accustomed to this kind of silence. I shrug it off and revel in his scent.

 

He smells of sun and trees, like a real deer.

 

I chuckle at the thought.

 

 

 

The sun is high in the sky and I decide to pay Suho-oppa’s clinic. He did tell me to go there whenever I want to. It’s also nice to see his fiancé, Jina-unnie, there.

 

I push open the glass door and the wind chimes overhead start to make their tinkling noises. Jina-unnie looks up and her gaze is directed to the door. Smiling, she says, “Good morning. Have you come to see the doctor?”

 

Nodding, I reply, “Yes, unnie. Tell Suho-oppa that his favorite dongsaeng is here.”

 

She nods before she pushes the button to the intercom and informs Suho-oppa about it. “Shall I let her in, yeobo?”

 

I hear Suho-oppa’s response so I glide to the large plastic door, decorated so it looks like it’s made of wood. There’s a door ornament with fancy English writing and red paint of ‘Dr. Suho: Your angelic guide to a better health’.

 

I turn the knob and push it back. Suho-oppa is sporting a pair of loose jeans and a white button-up shirt. His fringe is kept out of his forehead through a barber’s clip.

 

“Oppa you look ridiculous,” I tell him.

 

He chuckles and takes it off. “So what can I do for you?”

 

“I just wanted to visit,” I tell him. But then I remember how I felt something was missing with Luhan. “Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you something.”

 

He gestures at the chair and I sit down. Oppa is very hospitable; he always serves me something to drink whenever I come to visit. Today it’s orange juice. I smile before I gulp it down.

 

“So what did you want to ask me?” He asks, sounding very professional.

 

“Is it normal for me to think that there’s something missing in my… life?” I finish lamely, because honestly, I don’t know how to put the absence of nothing-sure in Luhan’s actions and words.

 

He raises an amused eyebrow at my question and leans forward with his chin resting on his palm. “You have amnesia,” he chuckles heartily. “Of course there’s something missing and it’s completely normal for you to think so.”

 

I shake my head and say, “No it’s like… Something in my memory is telling me that there’s something missing.”

 

“Like?” He asks. “Could you give me an example?”

 

I my lips nervously before I decide to disclose it to Suho-oppa. I’m sure I can trust him to be completely honest with things like this. “When Luhan tells me that he loves me, there’s something I can feel is missing.”

 

His face turns serious. At first glance, Suho-oppa is really hard to read, but when you manage to know him, he's pretty easy to read. He seems to be a bit nervous since he’s fidgeting with his hair which isn’t even bothering him anymore.

 

Finally, he sighs and speaks softly, starting with my name. “Are you telling me that your memories are coming back?”

 

I shrug, but I note that his expression is somewhat anxious. “I don’t really know. Shouldn’t you know?”

 

He laughs. “I’m not the one with the body,” he says. “You’re the one with amnesia; it’s your body. You should know.”

 

I bite my lip. He’s gained his composure and I can somehow feel that he’s keeping something from me. “Sometimes I just can’t help but think that there’s something wrong with Luhan, or something’s missing from the things he do and say. I don’t really know what to… believe in.”

 

Suho-oppa’s face turns somewhat sympathetic. “I’m sorry, but I can’t answer your question. I know I’m supposed to be your doctor, but I don’t know how to explain things that I can’t.”

 

I nod in understanding. “I understand oppa. It’s alright. I guess it’s up to me huh?”

 

He nods. “I’m very sure that Luhan loves you.”

 

I know he does. Nodding I stand up and bow to Suho-oppa in gratitude.

 

“Oh yeah,” he calls out before I go out. “You did receive the invitation to our wedding right?”

 

Smiling, I tell him, “Of course, oppa! I’ll be there!”

 

Oppa nods at me before he waves at me goodbye again. I bow to Jina-unnie who mouthed me a goodbye as she was talking to a client through the phone. I push the glass door open and breathe in the air. Even if my questions weren’t answered at all, I somehow feel lighter that I’ve talked with Suho-oppa. Maybe his clinic has that effect on me.

 

I stretch out my arms and head to the market to buy something for Luhan when he gets back home from his modeling schedules.

 

 

 

“If you cheat on me you’re dead understand?” I tell Luhan over the phone that I wedged in between my ear and shoulder. I was sorting out boxes when I decided to call him before he boards his plane to Beijing.

 

“I’m just going to visit my parents. Don’t worry. I won’t ever cheat on my beautiful jagiya,” he says and I can hear the smile in his voice.

 

“That’s good.” I put down the box I’m carrying. “Aren’t you going to board yet?”

 

“Hmm… I can stall for a bit for my beloved jagiya. When I get to China, I won’t be able to talk to you until I come back,” he says sadly.

 

“You can always leave a message on my Weibo,” I tell him with a chuckle before I catch a glimpse of the stack of white inside the box I carried a while ago.

 

“Are you getting rid of the junk in the boxes?” He asks me.

 

I hum in acknowledgement. “It’s not much so don’t fuss okay?”

 

“Just promise me you won’t tire yourself out, jagiya,” he says. “Oh, I’m about to board the plane. Bye!! I love you!!”

 

I hum in agreement before I reply, “I love you, Luhan.”

 

Placing my phone on top of the shelf beside me, I sit on the floor and examine the box. It isn’t really big; more like a package box of sorts. I don’t remember seeing this box when Luhan and I cleaned the house after my accident. Maybe it’s a part of my past.

 

But then, why would Luhan withhold this from me? Isn’t it good if I remember?

 

Shrugging, I open the flaps and see a stack of letters. I take them out and place them beside me. Most of them had brown stains at the sides and corners, probably because of its oldness. Some of them date five to ten years ago.

 

And they’re all addressed to me, behind the envelopes.

 

Did Luhan send me these? Was it Suho-oppa or someone else who has something to do with my past?

 

Why would Luhan put this with the other junk boxes?

 

I find a fresh-looking one. The side is torn off, revealing a part of the paper within. At the top left of the envelope, the untouched one, is a date, August 13.

 

Pulling the letter out with unsure fingers, I gulp. It’s as if time has stopped and has come to witness me prying into my own past. I half-wish that Luhan comes to explain things to me himself because I feel so foreign in my own home, on my own floor and in my own body.

 

I unfold the letter and spot my name at the very first written line. Then I proceed reading the contents of the letter.

 

I’m really sorry about what happened. I was really excited about my license that I didn’t even think about our safety. I’m so sorry. I hope you forgive me when you recover from your coma.

 

When I’m allowed to visit your room, my heart hurts a lot. I don’t like seeing you in pain. You must be hurt a lot right now. No matter, I can set mine aside and take yours into me.

 

Please wake up. I miss you already though it’s only been a day.

 

 

 

 

yourSehun

 

Some parts of the letter are, presumably, dropped with water. Tears maybe?

 

I’m given no time to ponder when my heart drops at the sight of the last line. ‘yourSehun’, it says. My heart throbs madly and I can feel my ears start to redden. My breath turns short and I feel like the entire room is circling me menacingly. My head hurts and my heartbeat feels somewhat constricted.

 

Why does that simple line make me feel so… flustered?

 

I dig through the letters to find another one, but this time, it’s dated August 14. I quickly take out the letter from within the envelope to read it. Like the first one, it has my name as the addressee at the back of the envelope and at the first line of the letter itself.

 

Wake up~!  When are you going to wake up?

 

I was only allowed to visit you once, during lunch and afterwards, the nurses put me to sleep. I wonder why?

 

But I really want to see you. I asked Luhan-hyung to look after you for a while for me. I feel a bit weak too.

 

If you wake up and smile for me, then I’m sure I’ll feel a whole lot better! ^^

 

I’m willing to wait for you. When you wake up, we’ll go to the hill and watch the sunset together under that tree. I heard they put a bench there already. You always did complain about getting your dress dirty when we sat on the grass. It was my original plan, but then… I’m really sorry…

 

I’m too talkative am I? I’m sure you’ll wish I’d tell you these in person instead of telling you through outdated letters.

 

I know you like my letters better though… ^^

 

I’m going to sleep now and dream of you…

 

Tharanghae~!! <3

 

 

 

yourSehun

 

Like the first letter, this one had some smudges too.

 

Tears spring to my eyes. A face comes into my head and I clutch it painfully. It’s a petite face but a bit more… chiseled than Luhan’s soft facial features. His eyes are small and somewhat a bit apathetic yet I know them.

 

Oh Sehun.

 

I freeze and before I know it, tears are streaming down my cheeks. I rummage through the letters and find the last one, August 15.

 

The envelope isn’t sealed and I’m guessing that Sehun didn’t have the chance to seal it. I pull out the letter and unfold it.

 

They attached an oxygen mask on me and a stronger dose of medicine. They ask my why my body is weakening and I tell them that it’s because I’m taking your pain away. You didn’t look pale when I visited you this morning. Most of the medical apparatuses connected to you are removed and you’re not as pale as you were.

 

Luhan-hyung tells me that you’re getting better and I’m really happy hearing that.

 

I can feel your awakening coming soon and the thought of seeing you smile in person and not in my dreams gives me the strength I need.

 

Let’s meet when you wake up okay? Then we’ll go to the hill and watch the sunset. I’ll call you ‘jagiya’ just like how you always want me to.

 

I’m running out of things to say. I feel lethargic and sleepy, but I persevere to write you this letter because I want you to read it when you wake up. I want to see the look on your face when you read my letters like the many letters I sent you years ago.

 

I can’t wait until we meet again.

 

Tharanghae… Neomu tharanghae…

 

 

 

yourSehun

 

By the time I’m done with the letter, my tears are unstoppable. Sehun. Oh Sehun. How could I forget you?

 

I gather the other letters in my hands as much as I can. I clutch them to my chest.

 

I was about to throw these away. I was about to throw Sehun away without even remembering him.

 

Luhan is not my boyfriend; he never was. Sehun, the one who took me out on a date the day he got his license and got me into a car accident, is; no, was my boyfriend.

 

My own sobs reach my ears. I try to console myself by blaming my amnesia for this, but I hate myself even more the more I try to put the blame on my mental condition. My heart hurts. The walls of my home feel like they’re mocking me for forgetting the one person who loved me and who I love with my whole heart.

 

I stand up and hurry to the bathroom. I knock on the tiles on the wall, behind the door, trying to find the loose one. Once I find it, I flatten my palm against it and slide it upwards. Sure enough, there’s a small canister that used to be a canister of assorted cookies safely stowed inside.

 

Sehun was the one who discovered this. He thought it would be a good hiding place. We didn’t tell anyone else about this because the entire point of the loose tile is for safekeeping.

 

I take it out and bring it to the living room where Sehun’s letters are scattered all over the floor. I lift up the lid and choke on a sob as I see the pictures we took together. At the top is a picture of me smiling beside him whose smile is always subtle and yet heartfelt. He has his arm around my shoulders and I know that I’m safe there.

 

I take out another picture. It has me, Luhan and Sehun. We’re all sporting a peace pose. I choke again.

 

The other things are there too. The first daisy that he gave me is here. I pressed it inside my memo pad where Sehun scribbled his name on all pages so I never got to use it.

 

I wipe off my tears. Luhan is in Beijing and Suho-oppa is the only one I can ask right now. I put the letters back inside the box and close the flaps. I put it under my bed with the canister on top. Pocketing the picture of, Sehun, Luhan and me, I take a deep breath before I call Suho-oppa.

 

“Oppa? Can I meet you in your clinic today?”

 

 

 

When I arrive at the clinic, Jina-unnie is working in her computer so she doesn’t see me. I march straight to the door of Suho-oppa’s office. I knock once before swinging the door open.

 

“Is something wrong?” He asks me.

 

I keep a straight face but I know he’s taken note of my puffy eyes. “Oppa, I need to ask you something.”

 

He gestures for me to sit down and I sit, not needing to be told twice.

 

“Is it about Luhan again?” He asks with a kind smile I can’t help but think it’s fake.

 

I take out the picture and slide it towards him. “Oh Sehun.”

 

Suho-oppa’s eyes widen momentarily before he turns to me with a questioning look on his face. I stare at him blankly. I remember it all now, oppa.”

 

He calls my name softly; I guess that it’s a way for him to at least pacify me. But I didn’t want to hear another excuse. “Oppa, why didn’t you tell me?” I ask him, dragging every syllable and word.

 

his lips and brushing back his hair, Suho-oppa replies, “We figured that your response wouldn’t be good if we… told you that Sehun is dead.”

 

“And so you lied to me?” I stress on the verb. “You made me believe that Luhan was my boyfriend when in fact my real boyfriend died?”

 

“You loved Sehun,” he blurts out and I deflate.

 

“I still love him,” I correct him adamantly. “I still love Oh Sehun.”

 

“What about Luhan?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

He sighs, calling my name. “You should realize how worried and scared we were of your reaction to his death.”

 

I give him a look of pure incredulity. “Do you really think that I’m such a low person to do that? Sehun wouldn’t have wanted that.”

 

“He would have wanted you to be happy,” Suho-oppa tells me.

 

I chuckle bitterly. “I’m not happy right now. Would you have wanted me to forget forever?”

 

Suho-oppa shakes his head. He calls my name again but then I stand up, snatching the picture of the three of us. “I appreciate the concern for my well-being, oppa. But I don’t like how you lied to me like this.”

 

With that I leave without giving Jina-unnie a second glance. I get out of the clinic area and wipe off my tears. I go back to my apartment. I’ll just have to wait for Luhan to come back tomorrow.

 

 

 

“Jagiya?” Luhan sings as soon as he opens the door of our apartment.

 

I stand up, arms crossed as I watch him come to the living area. He smiles at me and I remember how much he used to smile at us. “Did you miss me?”

 

I dismiss his question and ask him, “Luhan, did you buy me some bubble tea?”

 

He stops and turns to me with a confused yet somehow anxious look on his face. “No. Why? You don’t like bubble tea right?”

 

“Yeah,” I say. “But I’d like to know how it tastes. Sehun used to like it a lot.”

 

Luhan is completely stunned. “What did-?”

 

“Sehun,” I repeat. “Your best friend, Oh Sehun, used to like bubble tea a lot right?”

 

“What are you talking about jagiya?” He stutters. His denial infuriates me further.

 

I flip the picture on the coffee table between us and slide it towards him. “Does my boyfriend’s face look familiar to you, Luhan?”

 

His eyes widen at the picture before he turns to me. “You… You remember…”

 

“Why did you lie to me?”

 

“Didn’t you ask Suho-hyung already?” He asks bitterly yet his face is completely apathetic.

 

A smirk tugs at the corner of my lips at his assumption. “I found out yesterday.”

 

“Jagiya…”

 

“I really wanted Sehun to call me that,” I cut him short. “I wanted Sehun to call me that even once. He just didn’t want to because he thinks that our names make us more familiarized with one another.

 

“When you tell me that you love me, I always feel like there’s something missing and wrong with the way you say it,” my voice trembles and Luhan turns to me worriedly. I gulp down the lump in my throat and hold back my tears. “Sehun has a lisp. He isn’t able to pronounce the‘s’ without making it sound like ‘th’. I always laugh at him when he says that. The hill… it’s where we were supposed to go before the accident.”

 

I breathe heavily and an awkward silence envelopes us.

 

“Sehun…” Luhan starts and his lips. “He died at August 15.”

 

My eyes turn wide. That’s the last date on the letter that Sehun wanted to give me. “A-August 15?”

 

Nodding, Luhan continues, “He responded to treatments well, but then… his body started failing. He had a heart failure at noon that day; you woke up an hour after he was proclaimed dead.”

 

I nod. I don’t need to hear anymore. My knees give under me and I start sobbing. “You didn’t tell me…”

 

“Do you know what Sehun asked me before he died?” His voice rose a little. “He said, ‘Hyung, you love her too right? Take care of her for now. I’ll do it when I’m better’.”

 

I continued crying then. “You still should have told me…”

 

“Please stop crying,” Luhan coerces me. “Sehun wouldn’t like to see you crying.”

 

I nod. “Just go. I… I want to be alone…”

 

He seems to understand because a few seconds later, I hear the door clicking close. Maybe I shouldn’t have let him leave. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him to leave me alone.

 

But I have.

 

 

It takes months before I finally get the courage to visit Sehun’s grave. I wanted to bring flowers but I eventually decide against it. Sehun was never one for intricacies; he wasn’t one who’d spoil you with unnecessary words either. He was quiet, reserved and sometimes aloof. But his actions say an entirely different story.

 

His two sides made me fall in love with him.

 

I kneel beside the gravestone where the date of his birth and death are engraved. I gingerly run my finger through the dips and folds of the engraved characters.

 

“Sehun,” I start. “Are you listening? I’ve missed you a lot. Suho-oppa and Jina-unnie are married now. It was beautiful, but I ended up wearing a different ensemble from the other bridesmaids because you’re not there.” I pout and say in a sulky tone. “You said we should wear matching outfits on their wedding and I was so up for it. It was one of the rare times that you were so excited about small things.

 

“Luhan…” I pause and purse my lips. I briefly wonder if I should continue, but then I press on. “I’ve forgiven him. I know that’s what you would have wanted for me too. He’s… courting me. I should give him a chance right?”

 

I stop. I’ve lost my words and despite my earlier resolve to not cry in front of Sehun’s grave because it would make him sad, tears slip past my eyes anyway.

 

“Hey… do you know how much I miss you now?” I scold him in a shaky tone. “I miss you so much that I have to cry whenever I remember or see you. You didn’t have to take my pain from me. I could have endured it myself… I could have endured it so that,” I cover my mouth to keep my sobs from erupting more violently.

 

“We could have watched the sunset together at the top of that hill,” I tell him. “You could have called me ‘jagiya’ like I always wanted you to. I would laugh at you whenever you said anything related to love because your lisp is funny and… it makes you the Oh Sehun I love.”

 

I stop because not a coherent word comes out of my mouth anymore. I cry, like I have often done, but I know that it’s the only thing I can bear doing right now. The pain and wounds are still fresh.

 

“I’m sorry…” I sob. “I’m so sorry. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t believe I…”

 

Again I stop. There are no words to express what I feel right now. Imagine, the love of my life died and I was ignorant. I didn’t know anything.

 

“Sehun…” I wipe off my tears but there are still some lingering sobs. “I’m going now okay? I’ll come visit again soon. Maybe I can bring Luhan too if he’s free. Bye.”

 

I lean down to kiss the gravestone. They’re cold and rigid, like Sehun’s outer appearance. But inside I feel warm, secured and happy, like Sehun’s inner personality.

 

Standing up, I brush off the dirt on my clothes. I start walking off but not before turning back to where Sehun lies and mutter, “Tharanghae…”

 

 

---

I sincerely apologize to all fans of Sehun... I killed him here... Sorry!!

Anyway a lot of my other readers liked this including my Seo Mi so I decided to post it...

Do feel free to convey your deepest darkest thoughts about the fic as it is greatly appreciated by the author...

Wouldn't it be nice if you were in the girl's shoes? =D

Thanks for reading!!

God bless!!!

 

chquine_harvinellisse