"Hyung~" I called out walking out from the kitchen into the living room scanning the area where I found people but not the one I was looking for. "He's probably at the stupid desk again." Daehyun and Youngjae were both intently watching the television but with the thick Busan accent it was sure to be Daehyun that spoke. "I don't see why he just doesn't use the studio." "I guess we'll never know." "We have never really known much about him." "At least we know he's not a serial killer or something." "How do we know that?" "... We don't." The twins slowly turned to look at each other before they the rambled of their theories to each other. "Thanks." It probably didn't even reach their ears as they carried on talking, increasing in volume as one tried to talk over the other until they were both practically yelling their ideas at one another.

 

I carried on towards the bedroom where they thought he would be and when I opened the door I was met with a slumped over figure on the desk. Walking closer I started to hear the telltale signs of snoring and once I was next to him I noticed that his head on the desk, which was facing me, was perched on top of an open book. He couldn't have been comfortable but I took a few moments to look at his sleeping state. He always looked so peaceful and happy at times like these, unlike when he was awake where he would constantly be pressured to make our group better, the amount of responsibilities he had made me wonder if he was real. One man couldn't take on all those duties by himself and still manage to stay sane but there he is right in front me me sleeping the rest of our rest day away. "Hyung~" Nudging his shoulder I tried to wake him as nicely as I could.

"Hyungggg!" I tried again but still nothing. "HYUNG!" I said flicking his forehead which instantly woke him, eyes searching the room trying to figure out where he was exactly. "Himchan told me to tell you that he needs your help cooking the meal tonight so he sent me to go and get you." I explained myself for waking him up. "Huh? But I never help Himchan cook. He doesn't like me near all the dangerous objects." His eyes were still half closed and there was a long trail of dried drool clinging onto his face, he had never looked so imperfect before but if anything I embraced him more in knowing he had flaws, in knowing that he was human. I remembered what Yongguk had asked he and if Himchan hadn't have told me it was urgent then I wouldn't do what I was about to do. "Come on hyunggg! He really needs your help!" I wrapped my hands around his arm and started tugging harshly in an attempt to get him on his feet. "I don't want him to be mad at me and he will be if you don't get up and see him~" "Okay, okay! I'm going! Geez..." I could see that he was visibly annoyed but he still managed to stumble his way out of the room in search of the kitchen and left me standing there with a victorious smirk on my face. "Yongguk's just too nice for his own good sometimes." I mumbled to myself as I looked down at the desk in front of me. The desk couldn't really be seen under all the bits of paper that covered it but the book was very out of place. There weren't any other books and there was no reason for him to even have a book there, if anything it was clogging up his work space. Picking it up and looking at it closer I noticed that there were no words on the front cover, turning it over I noticed the same on the back. "This can't be!... Is this a... DIARY?" I asked myself in the empty room.

Flicking through quickly to the first page I read the first few paragraphs.

"Yah! Himchan!" Fat lips- I mean Daehyun said pushing what I thought to be Jongup to the side so he could jab his finger in my best friends chest. "Me and Youngjae only shared a toilet once but that was only because we had important things to talk about and it couldn't wait! So just don't go spreading that to people okay?!" Daehyun was visibly angered but Youngjae just stood there next to Jongup, both of them flustered, trying to create a single logical thought in their heads.

That Youngjae must bottom.

Why did I think that? Just look at the guy. He couldn't top... Plus he just screamed gay. If he wasn't I would eat my own foot. But then I scanned the room and noticed that we were one crazy person short in the dorm, not that I cared all that much. Words were flying past my head back and forth between Himchan and Daehyun and something inside me told me that this would be a daily occurrence between the two. I don't know if the constant bickering would be something I could get used to, I'd probably have to buy earplugs at some point.

He WAS writing a diary! The writing was the same scrawny writing he had always had but this diary seems to have been written with care, like he wanted to remember all of those moments forever. Flipping through a few more pages I laughed at his version of events when he had first met all of us. Who would have known that Daehyun and Youngjae were gay? The rest of us thought that they were just close friends, we didn't think anything of it when they were always around each other whenever they could be. But reading this it seems that Yongguk knew straight away. And of course he had absolutely hated me when we first met.

"Stupid kids already needing stupid help." As I turned around that tall lanky kid just stood there... Watching me. "Th-thank you leader." He said to me, eyes still glistening and he seemed to have started shivering.  This kid is going to need a lot of help. I though to myself. Himchan better not make me look after this pathetic excuse for a kid. Grunting in a response to his thanks I barged past him, ultimately leading to him losing his balance and falling onto the cold wet concrete outside causing him to release a whine in response. I didn't stop to see if he was okay though, why the hell would I care? I just carried on back into the living room and dumped the bags on the floor next to the group members. They all seemed to be squabbling among each other and my presence in the room went unnoticed, I couldn't help the need to punch something that bubbled to the surface of my mind at their childishness. There was no way this group could last. I remember hitting the ground with such force I had to bite my tongue just to stop from yelling. I had brushed it off as an accident at the time and sat there for a little while before I walked back in, hoping to introduce myself properly to Yongguk, he was the leader after all. When I had walked back in though he just ignored me, no matter how much I tried to get his attention he would just act as if I was never there. I didn't mind though. At the time I just thought that he must have just had a bad day. His attitude had carried on like that while I was ill as well. Even though I rarely saw him during that time he still acted as if I was the scum of the earth when he was forced to look after me thanks to Himchan's pushing.

 

Himchan had come to me a few days into my illness with some words about Yongguk that probably saved our group from crashing and falling in every way possible. "Junhongie~" His voice ran through my ears and I couldn't help but crawl further down beneath my duvet in a poor attempt to hide from him. "How are we today Junhongie? I brought you some soup! I pit a lot of effort into it and I even made it with my love just for you! I just want you to get better quickly so Yongguk can be happy again." That last sentence had peaked my interest, so Yongguk had been happy when I wasn't ill? Did he just not show it on those first few days before I become bed ridden? "He didn't seem happy to me."

"He was! Whenever it was just us two he would always talk about you and how adorable you looked! He really likes you Junnie and he's just mad that you're not fit and healthy at the moment, but if you eat up this soup then maybe you'll be better by tomorrow and Yongguk will be a happy person again!" Himchan carried on blabbering on about Yongguk's feelings for me but I just took my soup and started sipping it, staring intently at the bowl in the hopes Himchan would get the hint and leave. "... I'll leave you to eat and go listen to Yongguk go on and on about you then. I'll be back for your bowl in half an hour and there's a glass of water on the side for you, okay?" I nodded my head, still not looking up from my bowl until I heard him leave. My thoughts were now solely trained on getting better, for Yongguk's sake. How naïve I was back then. I believed Himchan when he had told me Yongguk had liked me straight away, when I found out he had been feeding the same lies to the other members I wasn't even shocked, that was just how Himchan was. But the others didn't believe him, it was just me who believed everything he was saying, it was me who was taking in his lies. But he didn't have any negative intentions while he was feeding me his lies, he just wanted our group to like our child hating leader and lying to us was the only way he could do that. As I became more interested in Yongguk's diary I quickly looked around the bedroom and closed the door in hopes of having some more alone time to read this interesting diary. I know it's a bad thing to do, reading other people's diaries, but Yongguk was like a closed book for the first 4 weeks we knew him, I just wanted to know what had been going on onside his head at that time, so I carried on skimming the diary looking for a particular day. The day I saw him change, it was only a small change, but it was a step towards the happier Guk I knew today, I remembered it all too well. I was still ill but I had taken it upon myself to climb into my hyung's bed every night for the past few days, reveling in the secure feeling it gave me. Himchan had said, "He really likes you Junnie and he's just mad that you're not fit and healthy at the moment," so I had grown a somewhat unspoken bond to him, I just wanted to make him happy and seeing him sleeping, at one of his most peaceful times, somehow managed to calm my worrying mind. One night though he had started sleep talking, a habit all of the members had I had found out. "Hmmm... Jun..." It had been faint but I heard it. Huddled up close to him how could I not hear it? "Ar-are you... Okay?" The words were jumbled and slurred but I understood clearly. "I'm good hyung." He wouldn't have understood me but I felt the need to reply anyway.

"You're ill..." He tensed up in his sleep and for a moment I was worried he had abruptly woken up. "I don't... Like-" his words cut off as he grumbled to himself and started twisting and turning. "I know hyung... I know."  I don't know if it was my words but Yongguk started to relax again and the only noise that came from him was his deep breathing. If Yongguk was worried about me in his dreams he must have really been worried about me in real life, maybe Himchan was right. I climbed slowly out of Yongguk's bed and returned to my own, knowing that if I was caught in his bed he might not appreciate my germ ridden state clinging onto him. I fell asleep that night knowing that the leader of our group wasn't as bad as everyone thought he was, I just had to prove it to the others. More nights passed and every night I would listen to Yongguk coo over me in his sleep while I would reply to those jumbled words in amusement. True, he was an absolute softy in his sleep but when he was conscious he was someone completely different. He had taken to yelling at Himchan a lot, we all heard it and Daehyun and Youngjae had taken it upon themselves to shield me and Jongup from it, taking us out for walks or to go and get a coffee down the street, we knew what was going on though, the leader was getting angry again. He seemed to always be angry but he would still ignore us, only taking it out on Himchan, I could practically see the others dislike for the eldest male and I just wanted to tell them what I had been doing, how I snuck into his bed every night and listened to his sweet unconscious words before shuffling back into my own bed with a smile plastered onto my face, but I just couldn't, so I sat back and listened to them bad mouth the leader waiting for the day when I could prove them wrong. I was back in the familiar bed pressed up against the leaders back, one arm slung around his waist, as I was listening to his heavy breathing, anticipating the moment he started mumbling. I didn't have to wait long before he gave out a big sigh and started up his one sided conversation. "I'm sorry... I'll go.... get you blankets.... cold." He must have been thinking about this evening. Himchan had forced him to ask me how I was and it didn't end too well. He left the room in a mood and Himchan came in a few minutes later with a hot water bottle in hand. I knew for a fact though that Yongguk didn't hate me thanks to these nights but still the fact that he was acting like he hated me had me wondering why. He must have been remembering at least SOME of these dream about me that he seemed to be having every night but it didn't change his attitude at all. "It's okay hyung." I always answered with short sentences and his body relaxed every so slightly every time I answered. I was waiting for what must have been another half an hour but I hadn't heard another sound leave his lips apart from his slow rhythmic breathing. I had given up hope and decided to make my way back to my own bed. I had only just gotten out of the bed when I heard his voice again. "Don't leave." His voice sounded sleepily strained, as I turned around his eyebrows were knitted together, a frown noticeable on his lips. "I won't leave you hyung, I'm sorry." I made my way back into his bed and wrapped myself around his warmth, he was much better than the hot water bottle I had abandoned in my own bed, and I felt myself drifting quickly into slumber. His diary held none of those memories. He had never once written about the dreams, only focusing on the negative things he thought about us during that time. How could he not remember the dreams though? There were plenty of them. But there was one thing that caught my interest. Slowly walking into the room I set my sights on the mountain of blankets that were quivering along with an occasional cough that just looked pathetic. "So... How are you feeling?" I asked slowing to a stand still in the middle of the room. "I'm cold hyung." His voice rung out into the air sending a shiver down my spine. The way he said hyung.... Was doing something to me. I don't know if it was disgust but all I do know is I didn't like the reaction it got out of me. "You're wrapped up in plenty of blankets. Stop complaining." "But hyung-" That word again. "No." "Hyunggg-" "NO!" I stormed out of the room, already having enough of the boy, and found my way back into the living room looking over the visual splayed out across the sofa. "He says he's cold." I said getting Himchan's attention. "Do something about it will you? I'm going out for a walk."
  Turning more pages I came across a funny little sentence that left me snickering to myself. "Thanks kid." I said to him, opening the wrapper to, what he might know or might not know to be, my favourite chocolate bar. Of course I knew. He sleep talks a lot more than is humanly possible and the subject of that certain chocolate bar had come up on more than one occasion.

 

I carried on turning the pages and delving more into the leaders mind when I came across one particular entry that had me giddy with happiness. That little kid had pestered me into playing video games with him and I wasn't looking forward to it, yes I wanted to make it up to him for being so terrible before but I had never liked video games. They were silly and pathetic time wasters which easily distracted people from their real life, if people wanted distracting from life why not just go out drinking? But of course I had accepted and there I was sat down next to the kid on the floor while he was setting up our game of Mario Kart at 10:30pm. "How long do we have to play this for?" Not wanting to sit in front of the television for too long, I had lyrics to write for the manager due in the morning and I couldn't put them off for much longer. "As long as it takes me to win at least twenty times!" I stared at him appalled.

"Twenty?! Junhong I am NOT playing this game twenty plus times." And then that pout formed on his lips and I knew the words that were going to come out of his mouth, just as it had opened though I had beaten him to it. "Fine... Just hurry up and set up the damn game." Junhong smiled at me before turning his attention back on the television in front of him. ---

He'd done it. He'd beaten me twenty times and I only had a mere one win to my name which was only because he had started pitying me once I had started getting annoyed. And as much as I didn't want to say that I'd had fun with him, I couldn't. They were some of the most fun few hours I'd had in a while, even glancing at the clock and realising that it was almost one in the morning didn't dampen my mood, I just put down the controller and stood up cracking my bones in the process.

"Time to go to bed kid." I reached down and turned the console off, ignoring the wine I heard behind me.

"But hyung I don't want to go-"

"Junhong..." My voice was low and I had to remind myself that I was the one in authority and keeping up the youngest in the group until so late at night was not the best decision. But he still looked at me, just waiting fro me to crack and let him stay up a little longer. "Go. To. Bed." "Fine." I could tell he wasn't happy about having to go to bed, but I wasn't about to let me stay up with me, even I barely coped with the late nights and early mornings and there was no way he would be able to function properly tomorrow if I caved in to what he wanted. Once I had heard the light click of the bedroom door being shut I walked into the studio and set to three hours worth of writing with no motivation to do so. It was late, I had no inspiration  and all I wanted to do was sleep. The time ticked by slowly but once I was done with writing I made my way into the bedroom, making sure not to make too much noise. I'd almost been at the point of sleep when the bed dipped and I felt a sudden heat behind me. "Goodnight hyung." His voice was laced with sleep, either from trying to stay awake for me to come in, or had fallen asleep but had somehow managed to wake upon hearing me enter, either way I found it adorable. "Goodnight kid." Yongguk had been yelled at the next morning for not handing anything in, he swore blind he did but reading between the lines in his diary proved otherwise. I was the reason he had gotten yelled at that day, because I had managed to get him to stay up with me and play video games, but I didn't regret it one bit. I'd had so much fun that night beating him at one of the few things I can beat him at, and of course nosing into his diary I saw that he had enjoyed it to. Those few hours worth of happiness must have been worth it for the scolding he had gotten the next morning. Going through yet more pages I was amused at this personal insight I had into his life, and I was glad no one had interrupted me yet.

As soon as I thought he was out for the count I wriggled my way out of the bed and padded over to the little desk in the corner of the room. Pieces of paper were scattered everywhere with half finished lyrics on, inspirational quotes and some of my own motivational saying scrawled on them. I pushed some of the papers aside as I sat down looking for a suitable pencil that hadn't felt the wrath of my anger during my uninspired times, once I had found one the blank piece of paper in front of me was soon plastered with lyrics and names assigned to those lyrics in my scrawly handwriting. Although it was a first draft it was already one of my favourite songs and even if it wasn't produced I would try and keep it around, maybe pin it up to the wall in front of the desk. Tapping my pencil against the paper I debated in my mind the title. It took a while but finally with just a few more I was done. '비빌연애' They'd loved that song, it was quickly refined and we were all given our lines and sent to the studio to record them, in a matter of days it was added to our first mini album before its released and made into one of our singles. We all loved it, fans and group included, but I had never known that was when he had written it, I hadn't realised how easy it had been for him to write it, there was a reason I looked up to him.  Then I remembered what he said he would do with the first draft. I hastily put down the diary on the desk as I sifted through the many pieces of paper that had made their way onto the wall over the past year. I started searching faster, moving pieces of paper so that I could look at the ones behind them, but there was no sign of the lyrics.

 

I finally gave up and gripped onto the diary again, taking it with me over to Yongguk's bed, mine own had long since been abandoned and no one had really brought the topic up, which I was glad for.

 

I started reading the same section again recalling the sweet sleep clogged memories it brought back to me. Smiling to myself I deemed it enough for the manager to get of my case for a while and padded back over to my bed lying back down next to giant taking up 3/4 of it. I curled up as best as I could next to him so that I wouldn't fall out in the middle of the night as I looked down at the boy that had managed to change my view on kids in just a few weeks. He really was something different. I moved my head a few inches closer to him so that my lips came into contact with his forehead, the only way I could think of to thank him for everything he had done to my life for the short time he had been in it. Immediately fits of giggles came from the giant as he snuggled up closer to me and pressed his lips to my collar bone. "Thanks hyung."

My version was a bit different from his.

 I must have rolled over in my sleep looking for that familiar warmth but once I had realised it wasn't close I must have just woken up. Now somewhat conscious I stretched my body across the bed, hoping I would hit something warm but there was nothing. 

Opening my eyes I noticed it was still sort of light outside so I could see the figure in front of me sat at his desk. The desk was rarely used, why would it be when he had a whole room to himself to compose by himself in the dorm? All that was kept on the desk was blank piece of paper, quotes, many broken pencils and some very questionable lyrics, Yongguk had told me that trying to concentrate sat that desk was like getting Himchan to shut up, impossible. It was most likely down to it's location, in a room where five other boys constantly walked in and out of with some form of problem, probably always asking Yongguk for his help because he was there.

As I was lost in my own thoughts something started floating into my ears, his voice. He must have been humming out the melody as he was going but it soon turned into a quiet set of notes escaping his mouth. He may not be the best singer but the words that were flowing out of his mouth were filled with such passion that he could have been screaming them and I still would have applauded him. I knew he never liked singing in front of people, he was a rapper after all, so I came to two theories, one he thought I was asleep so he thought it would be safe to sing, or he just didn't know the words was falling from his mouth, I was happy to be able to hear his voice anyway. But suddenly the singing vanished and a distinctly annoying tap of a pencil on the desk replaced it,annoying me to no end, but then that was gone too and Yongguk had started standing up. 

In fear of getting caught I squeezed my eyes tight shut and tried to even out my breathing, a difficult task when my heart was in throat, but Yongguk seemed to pay no mind and climbed in beside me as best as he could while I feared moving over in case he realised that I was actually awake. There were a few moments when I held my breath in suspense and when I felt the slight shift in the bed bringing his face closer to mine, I was worried I'd been caught out. If Yongguk knew I'd listened to him what would he do to me? But instead of what I thought was going to be a painful flick on the forehead, I felt a gentle warmth, it only lasted for a few moments but it took me a while to understand what had just happened. Hyung had kissed me. Hyung kissed my forehead. I couldn't help the giggles that escaped from me, just like a schoolgirl, as I found myself pulling my body impossibly closer to his reaching out to reciprocate his action on whatever bit of his body I came into contact with first. As I closed my eyes my puckered lips landed on his collarbone where I snuggled into afterwards, bringing myself closer him even more. Yongguk was getting better around our group now, this was just another step in the right direction, it was becoming obvious he was genuinely happy being around us now, instead of the forced happiness that it was in the beginning. His first step was when he had brought us all that unhealthy food to the dance studio, he'd put up with me talking to him, not saying a negative thing, and even promised to order out for dinner that night, which we did. Then I remembered those words he'd spoken to me after I'd given him his chocolate bar, something he was happy about receiving. "Thanks hyung." I said copying his previous words, subtly telling him that I was happy about what I had just received.

 

"Thanks hyung." I mumbled to myself as I remembered the event like it was yesterday as I curled myself up into that same position on his bed, just missing Yongguk to make it the perfect reenactment. 

 

"Move over kid." Yongguk's voice startled me and I quickly turned around to confirm that my mind wasn't playing tricks on me, Yongguk was stood in the doorway still rubbing his eyes. I rolled over to the other side of the bed, keeping the diary behind me hoping he hadn't seen it as I skillfully slid it under the bed before opening my arms out to the wobbly elder as he stumbled his way forward. He all but fell onto the bed face first mumbling something into the pillow that I couldn't quite make out. I rolled him onto his side facing me, very difficult seeing as he was pretty much dead weight at the moment, and waited for him to repeat himself.

 

"What did you think to the read?" He asked, eyes closed, body all but relaxed, looking close to unconsciousness as he slid his arm around me and tucked me under his chin.