Luhan P.O.V~

I staggered back as I watched him slowly close the distance between us. I was now standing with my back against the wall as he slowly got closer and closer.

When his face was only a few millimeters from mine, he voiced what seemed to have become one of his favorite words.

””

I felt a strong pressure connect with my stomach as he punched me with all his might.

He quickly kicked up his knee to my face when I doubled over in pain from the blow, making my head shoot back and meet with the wall with a loud thump.

I fell to the ground from all the overwhelming pain and he started chuckling, calling me ”weak”, ”disgusting”, ”a disgrace” while starting to kick me.

My stomach, my legs, my back, my face, They all had to suffer the agonizingly painful blows from the man who hated me the most.

 After emptying the last remnants of his bottle of what ever alcoholic beverage it had once contained, he turned around and walked away, leaving me on the cold floor, tears b my eyes.

I layed there for minutes, maybe even hours, trying to think about anything but the pain in my limbs.

I didn’t care about any bruises though. My body was long since destroyed by scars and bruises, my face deformed and broken from all the beatings.

It was always the same.

I decided to attempt carrying myself up the stairs to reach my room, succeeding only after a lot of stumbling and crying.

Reaching my bed, I slowly fell asleep, the feelings of hatred for my own, weak self haunting my dreams.

When I awoke the next morning I was alone as always.

He was already gone and wouldn’t return until tonight, when it would all repeat itself once again.

I got up from my bed, trying not to think of what was to come.

I made my way into the bathroom to wash away the remnants of blood from yesterday.  As I made it to the bathroom I looked at my face in the mirror. What I saw I was already used to. It wasn’t a person. It was a disgusting, weak being that didn’t even deserve to live. You could pretty much see the disease on my face.

Not wanting to look at my self anymore, I the shower.

The warm water stung against my sore skin but I knew It would go numb soon. I had been through this before.

As I showered I tried to think about happy things to keep my mind off the now. But to no avail.

 There was nothing happy to think of.

There was no such thing as happiness left in my body.

There was only sadness.

Emptiness.

I started crying silently as I thought of how pathetic I had become, the tears washing away with the water rapidly flowing down my face.

When  I got out of the shower, I went back to the mirror to cover up my bruises and swollen eyes.

As I did every day. There was no change. Always the same.

Dressing in a casual T-shirt and jeans.

As always.

As I made my way to school I felt as if all the passerbys stared at me, judging me. The disease evident on my face even under all the makeup. I walked looking at the ground, keeping my head low

When I got to school I immediately knew that nothing would change today. Everything would be just as it was yesterday. And the the day before. And the day before that.

As soon as I entered through the main door the halls went quiet. The usual cheerful chatter from the other students died out as soon as i came into view and were replaced with loathful whispers and gasps. I began the dreadful  walk towards my locker and I didn’t even have to look up from the ground as I was walking. I knew everyone would move out of the way, pressing against the lockers, whispering, afraid they would catch my disease. I reached my locker and took out my books in silence. Who would I talk to anyways? And as I gently closed my locker and started off towards my classroom, I saw him.

Sehun.

That’s who I would talk to. Atleast in the past.

We used to be the inseperable best friends. He had the most adorable lisp but he often got made fun of because of it. He was lonely so I stood up for him and helped him back on his feet, introduced him to my friends, made him happy again. But when everyone found out about my illness, when I needed him the most, he left me. He wouldn’t even spare a glance at me anymore.

I wasn’t worth anything.

I watched him chat happily with his friends, the people I used to be able to call my friends, completely ignoring me as I walked past.

I wanted to cry but I couldn’t show myself too weak in front of so many people. Not that I had much to lose. Not that I had anything to lose.

I didn’t tell anybody. I never told anyone. I never meant for anyone to find out.

I used to keep a diary back then.

Back when I was happy and always bubbling with joy. Wanting to save the cheerful memories to remember for if I was ever sad. which I never was. I had everything I could ever wish for. Friends, a happy family, what more was there really? Well some would say love. Love as in a girlfriend. But I would probably have been better off without that. Because that’s when all this started.

I got a crush on somebody.

I got a crush on  … a boy.

And that’s when my diary filled with happy memories became someone for me to talk to about my feelings. But one day I dropped my diary and my friends got their hands on it.

Their shocked and disgusted faces, the terrifying text sent around to the entire school.

“ Luhan is gay! A disgusting sinner! People like him shouldn’t even be alive!”

And knowing that one of my friends wrote that…

But that really wasn’t the worst.

The worst was watching Sehun’s reaction of it all. I thought he would stand up for me, tell me it was okay, say we would always be friends. No matter what.

But what I saw on his face was anything but comforting and reassuring.

What I saw was shock and disgust.

Just like everybody else.

And that’s all there has been ever since.

First class went by slowly, quietly taking notes of everything the teacher said.

Luckily nobody paid much attention to me, either listening to the teacher or chatting away with their friends,  the occasional sleeper.

When the bell rang for lunch I hurried to the roof, like always.

I sat alone, not even eating.

It’s not like I had any money to buy food or any food to bring with me.

I intended to just lay there for the remaining hour, watching the clouds as they pass by.

But suddenly I heard laughter coming closer, seeing my friends, sorry, past friends cheerfully making their way up the stairs.

When they see me their expressions immediately turn into ones of disgust. What did I expect really?

“Come on guys, let’s go somewhere else. It might be contagious” I hear Kai say as they all turn around to leave. Even Sehun. He didn’t even care anymore. He had friends already. He didn’t need me. But I still didn’t want him to leave.

“Sehun!” I called out. He kept walking.

“Oh Sehun!” No response.

“Sehunnie” A bit weaker this time, but he stopped.

He didn’t turn around, just stopped. His friends kept walking so we were alone. This was my chance to finally speak to him.

“Sehun. We were friends. Why did you just turn on me like this? I always stood up for you and cheered you up when you were down but now when I need you the most, you just leave me. Can you tell me why Sehunnie?” I felt the tears starting to fill my eyes, I couldn’t hold them in.

He turned around and looked at me, but with nothing more than hate evident on his face. He then spoke to me for the first time in weeks.

“You are disgusting, that’s why.” My jaw dropped. I had expected him to think this way, but it hurt so much more actually hearing him say it.

“You are disgusting and vile, and I can’t believe I ever called you my friend.” The hate was so clear in his voice that I just wanted to scream.

He his heel, catching up with his friends, leaving me heartbroken once again.

I thought there was already nothing left, that I had nothing left to lose.

Apparently I was wrong.

I still thought I had Sehun. But now I knew I was wrong. And it hurt me more than anything.

I didn’t care about the rest of school, I just wanted to get home. So I ran until my lungs threatened to give in, and even then I didn’t stop until I reached my house.

I ran into the bathroom and once again I looked at my reflection in the mirror.

I looked terrible, as always. I was ugly and disgusting and I now had tear stains all over my cheeks and my eyes looked puffy from all the crying. Though I couldn’t stop. Now that I knew I had absolutely nothing left.

I backed up against the clean, white bathroom wall and slid down it, reaching the ground with a silent ‘thump’.

 With tears running down my face fiercer than ever, I put my head in my hands in despair.

“I can’t do this anymore” I said quietly as I felt the tears slide down my palms

I looked up and pulled something out from my pocket.

A razor.

A well-used razor that has been with me through all these hard times.

The only friend I have now.

But this wasn’t like all the other times, the times when I just needed something to make my pain feel

less intimidating.

This time I really couldn’t take it anymore.

This time I wanted it to take all the pain away.

I took off my pants to take one last look at my thighs and the scars that were already carved into my skin, hidden from everybody else.

158.

That’s how many scars there were. I’m not sure how I kept count.

I admired their beauty and how well They fitted in with my milky skin.

That was it. I had nothing else to say farewell to. To miss.

I turned my arm and lifted the razor up to my wrist.

Slowly, I pressed the blade down further and further unil my hand almost went numb.

The blood started gushing out with such strength, it was overwhelming. I started feeling nauseous.

You’d think I would feel sad or depressed as I felt my vision going black, but there was nothing left to be sad about. For once I only felt glad.

At least something changed today.

Okay guys I hope it's good enough XF

As I said in the foreword this is my first ever fanfiction and I rarely ever write anything so I would be forever grateful if you would help me improve my writing by leaving a comment! ^^

Also, please tell me if there are any typos I missed so I can fix them :)

Thanks for reading (^_^)