My Peace is Lost

Days passed after the night the true heir of the Shim family returned with such normalcy, it rattled Yoona’s heart and mind to the core. The shock hadn’t worn off yet, even though it had already been several days since Changmin had walked into her life again and picked up where he left off in the family’s business affairs. She hadn’t expected it to wear off at all to be honest, given the fact that she’d avoided him since then despite knowing that she shouldn’t run away anymore. Changmin had been the one to leave after all… she hadn’t done wrong by him (or anyone for that matter) at all.

Yoona sighed, sinking into the warm steam of her bath and poured water across her face. Mother had announced that they were going to have a complete family dinner (again) for once and that they should all be presentable at the table – hence the warm bubble bath she had going for her that early evening.

“You need to look refreshed, my dear.” Mother had said, patting her cheek lovingly when she’d finally finished working – looking frazzled and dusty all over, “At least for me.”

She pressed a soft towel to her arm and tried to relax herself; scrubbing away the dust of work she’d forced herself to do that day to avoid meeting her husband at the plantations.

Husband.The word sounded heavy and bitter in even without saying it out loud, and yet at the same time strangely comforting. She shook her head. Clearly she had so much more to work through before she could finally let go of everything that was Shim Changmin, her husband. Today had just been the beginning: avoiding him was the first step.

Yoona checked on her family’s sugar plantation first, making sure to tiptoe past Changmin when he finally arrived before going to the Shim family’s rice mill to peruse on the workers’ activities and give them some sustenance. She didn’t stop to rest when she came home after that and made sure that she was always found doing something, just in case Changmin or any of his subordinates decided to call upon her. With luck, he hadn’t tried to speak to her since the night he returned. And quite frankly, for now – while her heart still shook with fury and so much love she couldn’t (and will never) voice out to him – the distance was all for the best.

She wished it was easier. As much as she wanted to reach out and forgive him, she simply could not. If only she had a true friend to confide in but even that was hard to come by – not when the last friend she’d given all her trust to ended up being the one to betray her in the most horrible way between friends. Choi Sooyoung had been her best friend and sister since they were children and why she could have destroyed their friendship just like that… Oh, that’s a story for another time, Yoona told herself. She, at least, had another friend – Minho – but he was still off in a trip with his father and could not be contacted until soon. She’d have to wait till he returned before she could escape from meeting her husband by hiding behind another man.

Ugh. That sounded so callous. For her, for Minho… for Changmin.

Looking up at the ceiling, Yoona bit her lip as an image of him flooded her mind’s eye. It would be a lie if she said that she hadn’t stopped to watch him since he’d arrived. Because despite her insistence of keeping distance, Yoona knew in her heart that she was incapable of ignoring his presence in her home. Didn’t she always visit her memories with him everyday before he’d come back? Thinking back on moments they shared and on to feelings she had refused to show before he left? She couldn’t lie to herself about that – she couldn’t lie about the fact that in the last four years, she had wished for nothing more than for him to return. Never mind the anger he rightfully deserved to receive and the foolish regret she felt for not doing anything to make him stay… Yoona simply wanted him home.

And he was home, finally. With each moment passing by that thought, her heart gave a lurch of sadness against her chest.

Changmin settled in sleeping in another room, far from hers, the night he returned and has slept there since. She heard him say to the help that night that “Your mistress wouldn’t want me to sleep in our room, I’m sure and I understand perfectly why” – and she had appreciated it for the most part, because she didn’t think her heart could take it if he had suddenly appeared next to her the following morning… while the shock was still so strong and gripping her senses. However, a small part of her had wanted him to come to her door – to plead with her to let him enter or something but she knew it was foolish to want that to happen.

Shim Changmin was a proud and capable man. He never begged, even when he should. He might have been gone for five years, but she knew that part of him would never change. It was innate in his family’s biology. It was one of those traits that had infuriated and attracted him to her in the first place. His pride and determination, among others, had captured her to him. She wouldn’t have wanted that part of him changed either, even given the circumstances of their relationship now.

Yoona sank dipper into the warm water, relaxing into the heat that touched her whole body and skin. She thought of him again: of his dark eyes and his thin lips, the sharp edge of his jaw, the broadness of his shoulders and the calloused pads of his fingers upon her cheek. She shivered despite the warmth, her cheeks coloring pink as arousal set into her stomach and swirled there. Perusing her current position now, she looked back into her memories and realized how familiar this feeling was from back five years ago. Hadn’t she felt this way when he had come to her that night? Soothing her confused thoughts with words slipping out from the baritone of his voice as they slid into a comfortable understanding as husband and wife?

She remembered being so troubled back then, by the words the elders and her peers had told her about being fruitless a three months after their honeymoon. It bothered her to think that her marriage was being scrutinized by so many people – almost all of them only interested in the news of an heir and nothing more. The elders had called her useless – unable to bear fruit for the established family line while her peers had called her hopeless – for not plunging into an act with her handsome husband they said they would’ve gladly done if they were in her shoes.

Yoona frowned at the thought of those ill-advised meetings. None of them knew much about her or her relationship with the Shim family, nothing aside from the ridiculous stories people cast over the city, and so how could they judge her in such a harsh way? They were definitely not in her shoes, and if they were they would know just how good it was to be included in such a close-knit family. Her marriage with Changmin might have been arranged but she had grown to love him over time. He had too, she liked to think (Such a foolish thought, her mind bristled)… wasn’t that enough for the rumor mill, at least?

No, of course not.The mill needed to keep going and she had always been an easy target. Yoona struggled to keep from vomiting in at remembering all the inappropriate and erted things her peers and elders had ‘advised’ her that day –“You’re only worth something if you’re married, dear. No one appreciates a headstrong lady without purpose.” Ugh. The gall of their words disgusted and hurt her in more ways than it should.

Her cheeks were as pink as they were on her face right now when she’d blurted it out to him one night, surprising him while he went over numerous business accounts at his desk.

The memory had gone in this way:

“They say I must be unattractive if we hadn’t even slept under one blanket yet.” She blurted out, balling fists into her skirt as she tried desperately not to cry, “They said that I’ll only bring misfortune to the family since I still haven’t produced an heir. Is that really all I’m worth for? How stupid could they be to take that notion seriously?!”

It was a stupid notion to compare a woman’s worth to how many sons she could produce but it had hurt her deeply. Their words had wounded her soul harder than she thought they would be able to. And she felt utterly helpless, knowing it was partially true. Since their wedding, Changmin had not once slept beside her – well, he had in a sense, but with separate blankets and he’d always stay unmoving on his side. Though he had told her that he was simply giving her privacy and space (“—since this isn’t what you had in mind in the first place. I don’t want to take from you anything else you’re not willing to give” were his exact words in Paris), Yoona couldn’t dispel the ill feeling brewing inside of her that perhaps everything they said about their marriage was true. Perhaps, Changmin wasn’t attracted to her at all and that’s why he wouldn’t truly share a bed. Perhaps, he didn’t want to be married to her even more than she didn’t want to be married at 17 either.

These childish thoughts of hers, she thinks, hurt a lot too. Maybe even more.

She continued her rant, with a fiery rage that smoked embers to her temper. “It not as if the heavens would fall if we didn’t have a child after being married three months! Goodness! All they see is the fact that we’re a young married couple ‘with limitless energy and time to spare’, and yet are without an heir. Ugh! Why are people so judgmental?!”

Changmin patiently listened to her rant without a word, looking at her with an indescribable expression on his face up until she turned around in defeat and marched to their bedroom. She hadn’t expected him to do anything about her fuming tirade... from what she had observed over the course of the days is that his reaction went one of two ways: he would either ignore or delve into arguing with his biting sarcasm and wit. Changmin seemed to favor the latter quite a bit and she had found it amusing to watch when he did so with other people. However at this circumstance, neither were the reactions she needed. If anything she wanted, at least, to see him respond just a little bit. She wanted him to tell her she was mistaken or something – anything! But instead, he’d just sat there in his desk, listening to her every word.

It took him an hour or two after her outrage to be in the same room as her again, leaning against the door frame and watching her sit solemnly on her side of the bed and dressed in her nightgown.

Yoona had laid out his pillow and blanket on the edge of the bed, where it would be easy for him to arrange himself on his side of the mattress. That was the arrangement he’d silently arranged for himself since they’d married, and although it was strange and bothered her to wake up to see her husband’s back turned from her, Yoona did nothing to reprimand him. Perhaps that was another reason why people didn’t think of them much as a couple? They were nothing of the sort of lovey-dovey couple most people expected. She’d never chastised him in public, unlike how Mother and Father Shim would playfully and lovingly bicker outdoors. Yoona sighed, there was no use to worrying about that now… she should just accept the fact that her marriage was a joke to many and she was one of those who thought so too.

“I’m sorry for earlier… it’s been a rough day. We should get some sleep,” she said half-heartedly, waving her hand to the side when she heard him enter the room and moved towards the center of the room.

She slipped into the sheets of the bed and turned to her side, staring out at the window without bothering to wait for him to reply, and watched as the crescent moon shine across the night sky. It was a particularly chilly night, she mused – noting the way the branches and leaves of the tree near the gate swayed softly with the wind. There was a rustle of movement from behind her but she ignored it, entranced by the fluttering leaves and the brightness of the moon. Yoona’s thoughts drifted to the thin blanket she’d prepared for Changmin and pursed her lips, thinking: Maybe I should get him a thicker blanket?

She didn’t have enough time to react when the bed suddenly dipped beside her and a long, lean arm suddenly enveloped her slender frame while the other was propped up to anchor his head. Yoona froze almost immediately at the contact, eyes widening at the realization that her husband – her stoic, no-nonsense husband – had just gotten into bed with her – and under the same blanket.  She kept her head stationary at one side and breathed deeply, trying to keep her heart from hammering against her chest. No matter how sudden this was – it was also so very comfortable. Natural, even! It was this knowledge that unnerved her the most.

This can’t be happening, she thought as she tried to calm her already quickening heart, what the hell is he going to do?

“What are you—doing?”Her voice caught in midway through the sentence. She tucked her chin in and waited for him to reply, the sound of his breathing mingling with hers.

“I’m going to sleep next to my wife under one blanket… you know, it’s something ‘married couples’ do.”

It surprised her often at how casual he could be with her sometimes; speaking to her as if they had known each other personally for years and not just for several months. She wondered why he couldn’t be that way all of the time – but then the childish (and hurtful) thoughts would kick in and she keeps from pulling her heart out for him to see. Yoona could practically feel him smirk from behind her, probably teasing her for her earlier emphasis in her rant and (unfortunately) she felt a smile creep onto her lips. Elbowing him softly on his rib while rolling her eyes in amusement despite her better judgment, she said, “Be serious. You know what I mean.”

Changmin sighed into her hair, mumbling a fragment of her name and she stilled once again. “Changmin?”

“Does it matter what they think? About us, I mean.”He said, seemingly talking to himself more than to her. He shifted behind her, his hand motionless on her stomach. It was warm, his skin... The heat swirled in her stomach as he (unconsciously?) rubbed a thumb over the smoothness of the fabric of her nightgown. “They know nothing about us… they don’t know how good our parents’ friendship was, or how my father thought of your father as a brother. Why should their opinions matter when they don’t know anything?”

His words cut through her insides and she pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep from spilling sudden tears hidden underneath her lashes. If there was any other moment to speak her mind, it would be now but what would she say? And why should she? It’s not like I’m anywhere ready to tell him that I care for him.

“Jump in anytime with your thoughts, Yoona. Hearing you rant earlier was interesting.”

Yoona laughed aloud despite herself, elbowing him once again – harder this time – and shrugged. Did he want her to tell him things truthfully? Her honest thoughts about their arrangement of a marriage, her steadily growing love for him and how much it scared her to feel this way for someone who didn’t feel the same way? It was true that no one else knew them as much as they knew themselves… but what of each other? They’ve never really spoken in deep conversation before, even though she wanted and there were moments where he looked like he wanted to as well. They had stared off into space side by side, but did that count for knowing each other? No. Probably not.

“Fine. Maybe, you’re right about how their words shouldn’t matter… but… I wonder – is there anything about us?” Yoona asked, laboring her breathing to match his calm one and brushing her hand over his forearm. She wondered if he was as confused and dizzy under her touch as she was with his.

His hand unconsciously pressed against her stomach – his touch sending a burning up and down her insides. She pursed her lips together and tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach when he spoke again: “What do you mean?”

She considered her words. “Oh… you know… we’re married but what do we know about each other aside from that we are husband and wife? It’s true that our families have a wonderful relationship – but it’s our marriage, not theirs. I only know who you are to the public… and the same goes for your knowledge of me.” Yoona bit her lower lip and thought about how to finish her explanation. She inwardly wished that her words wouldn’t be misunderstood by him and drive a wedge between what was already a confusing relationship.“I don’t know… I suppose I don’t think it’s fair to ignore them if we have as much understanding about each other as they do.”

“Does that mean you want to know more about me privately?”Changmin asked, his tone hinted with irony. Yoona sighed in mock exasperation (oh, he understood what she meant but had decided to go into a sarcastic route he seemed to favor) and elbowed him on the ribs again. “And vice versa, Changmin. Don’t you want to know more about me too?”

Oh. Was that a nod? Yoona felt the hairs on her nape stand up as his head slowly bobbed up and down after a moment’s thought – the movement answering her question and elating her mood in more ways than what was possible. She kept her head down as another smile made itself known on her lips. Could it be possible to love and hate this night anymore than she already did? He wanted to know more about her… the happiness upon learning that fact made it easy for her to relax substantially in his arms.

The moonlight had grown dim now because of the clouds that covered it from sight, but one could still see the outline of it clearly. Yoona had always thought of the moon to be a foreboding body of extraterrestrial land, but at that moment the moon was a beautiful and welcome sight to see. The seconds ticked on as they enjoyed the silence that inevitably enveloped them.

And then—“Look at me.” Changmin urged in a mellow tone; his breath warm against the back of her neck and making the hair on the ends of her arms stand up once again. She lowered her eyes from the moon and closed her eyes in attempt to look as if she were already asleep, her heart hammering on beneath her . His fingers found its way under her chin, tracing lines against her skin. “Hey… I know you’re still awake. Just look at me, please.”

“Why should I?”she asked, her voice unusually strained and soft. His hand cupped her cheek and pulled her face slowly towards him.

“Because I want to know you… and because you are my wife, and I am your husband.”

“How long are you going to emphasize that last bit?”

“For as long as you do indirectly.”

“I don’t emphasize indirect—”

“Yoona.”

Finally, Yoona allowed herself to crane her neck just far enough to catch sight of his eyes—before he immediately took advantage of her (slightly) awkward position and hovered over her with his hand at either side of her head. She blinked up at him, shocked at this turn of events but didn’t move away. (There was no escape anyway, and whatever this was… it was bound to happen sooner or later.) Instead, she took note of the fact that he’d loosened three buttons on his shirt and simply stared down at her with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Are we…?”

“Only if you want to.”

“Do you?”

“… for a while now.”

She opened to respond, but what could she reply to that? It would be a lie to say that she hadn’t thought about it too: of her skin touching his underneath soft bed covers and breaths mingling. She was not a prude to know nothing about what as inevitable between them – they were married for goodness’ sake! (Just how many times was she going to emphasize this in her head?). However, she was pure to the act but there was no way she could say those thoughts out loud! Not that there were words she could say…. they seemed so foreign to her at that moment, with her eyes locked with his in a trance-like state and tracing (memorizing) every glint and shadow that passed through them. Suddenly, her hands reached up to cup his face (perhaps that was enough of an answer?) – surprising him and herself as she rubbed her thumb over the soft part of his cheek.

And then – there it was, suddenly. A tug in her chest, as if a string had been pulled there that propelled her to lean up towards him just as he brought his lips onto hers—

The knock on the door drove her out of her hazy path down memory lane and she lifted her eyes curiously at the wood of it. “Who is it?” she asked, the question