I Remember You

“Mother… really, you don’t have to do this.”

Her sweet smiled stayed glued on her lips as Yoona sat, absentmindedly listening to her mother-in-law go on about a new suitor she had picked out for her (once again), and nervously played with her fingers. It had become routine by now, an everyday thing she had to endure in the mornings.

The countless setups her mother-in-law had staged for her since the year before had been interesting at best, but completely unnecessary. She would say ‘yes’ on some occasions but not often. She did not enjoy them as much as Mother Shim might have hoped. Her heart was simply not in it. And no, this wasn’t something she’d ever casually share anytime soon with her mother-in-law (even though they’ve shared everything since). Not when Mother seems to enjoy planning dates for her rather than staying in bed all day and worrying for her son. The one that left without a word, taking her heart with him and never returned…

“I’m afraid of her.”

“Afraid of whom, may I ask? My mother?”

“Yes. Madam Shim—she just seems so… so much like you.”

“Like me? What does that mean exactly?”

“Oh—just…”

“Cold and calculating, perhaps?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anyth—”

“Because if that is the case, then you are sorely mistaken.”

“… I am?”

“You don’t have to worry, Yoona. She’ll love you.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do.”

Mother Shim snaps her back into reality with an easy smile on her face and a light pat on her intertwined fingers. Yoona truly adored her mother-in-law, so beautiful and caring and accepting, that it pained her to see the tired glint in her eyes as she spoke: “What kind of mother-in-law would I be if I were not to watch out for you, dear Yoona? You are practically my own daughter, mind you.”

“I am thankful everyday for your care, Mother. But I really don’t…” Yoona trailed off, watching the soft hand wrapping around hers comfortingly. Her heart gave a small lurch at the familiar tenderness of it all and it amazed her just how much Mother reminded her of her son (Yoona would hear her sometimes, crying out and looking for him, “Changmin-ah, you’ll come back, right?”) sometimes. “Suitors are unnecessary, seeing as I’m—you know, married to your son. And I don’t plan on breaking the laws of marriage any time soon, even if you are playfully pushing me towards it.”

“I would never dream of it!” Mother laughed easily, the twinkling in her eyes falling flat in comparison to her bright smile. “Breaking the laws of marriage? Honestly dear, I am not as old-fashioned as most people think. You’re too mature and private for your age, Yoona. You’ve already turned down secondary meetings with Lee Donghae and Ok Taecyeon – two ‘No’s is quite enough. Aside from that, I’ve not seen you go out with friends in such a long time… a bit of fun won’t hurt at all.” She held up her hand to stop her daughter-in-law from interrupting, “And no, dear, watching over a wrinkly old couple like Mister Shim and I all the time is not considered an enjoyable time of leisure.”

“I have the business to keep me company though. We’re delivering rice to the outer reaches of the provinces next week – I’ll be very busy by then, don’t you think? Hardly any time for ‘dates’.” Yoona grinned while she made quotation mark signs with her fingers in the air, drawing out another chuckle from her mother-in-law’s lips.

She watched her for a moment, taking in the picture-perfect image Mistress Shim made at that moment. Her hair was cut in a short bob just below her ears, with healthy skin despite the faint wrinkles adorning the corner of eyes, and a beautiful smile. Mistress Shim was a beautiful woman, and she was more that just an in-law to her: She was her mother. Yoona grew up never knowing her own all that much (she had died before she turned four), but from what she gathered from her father before he passed away, Mistress Im would have been very much like Mother Shim was with her at that moment: blunt but sweet, strict but caring, a wonderful combination of a doting mother and a very good friend.

“Oh, Yoona… please, just one date? Humor this old lady, dear.” She pleaded, pouting and taking hold of her hand once again. Her next words were spoken in a soft hush, almost sad even. “You’ve been alone for far too long. I… I don’t want that for you, my dear. My so—he … you deserve so much more.”

At this, Yoona tried hard not to let her smile falter – the weight of the words spoken taking hold of her tighter than it should. She liked to think that her feelings had never gotten in the way of her duty as the daughter-in-law to the Shim clan, but there were those moments where she lost sight of the promise she set for herself. Duty over love, wasn’t this her mantra during that first year? Duty over love, Duty over love, the words repeated over the course of several months everyday should be ingrained in her by now – but it wasn’t. And now that she’s thought about it for quite some time… It never has.

When was it exactly?

Ah. Yes. Year 1942, July; Paris, France – her honeymoon.

Yoona remembered the scent of grass and sunshine, of the warmth of the sun hitting her skin and of the sound of utensils being laid out on a small table in the middle of a gorgeous hotel room in the middle of Paris medieval and romantic structures. She remembered sitting up and catching sight of him arranging food on the table, already dressed to attend to business elsewhere, before turning to her with an impassive expression on his face.

She remembered thinking it was so surreal – seeing her husband prepare breakfast for her when all she had seen of him during the beginning of the trip was of his back going out the door. They were at their honeymoon, yes, but he had business in Paris – his family’s business revolved around exporting rice and spices all over the world, despite the ongoing (and slowly retreating) World War. Changmin didn’t even sleep next to her (not that she had wanted him too at the time, but they were married and she had already accepted her fate as bearer of his children. Even without the love she had expected to have before marrying, she was ready for her role as wife) and instead favored the couch the foot of the bed.

“Good morning.”Changmin had said, tilting his head slightly to watch her slowly sit up on the bed. He pulled out a chair and motioned towards it, all the while pulling out another for him to sit. “Have some breakfast.”

It was so strange, seeing him there – so disarmingly handsome and casual, even without a hint of a smile on his lips. She remembered standing up slowly to join him at the table, her eyes wide and surprised at his nonchalance when all the time she had known him (seven weeks and three days since the announcement of their marriage at dinner) he barely spoke to her about anything other than the usual pleasantries. The only moment he had seemed sincere (or real, she should say) was at their wedding, when he’d said his vows and kissed her…

In her memory, Yoona remembered the whole scenario:

Her eyes flitted over the crisp, white polo he wore and the dark pants that accompanied it – quickly noting the smoothness of his cheek and the curl of hair on his nape as he turned his head to read the newspaper he held in his hands – before abruptly looking away when his eyes caught hers and he raised his eyebrow. Duty over love, duty over love, her thoughts repeated as her cheeks blushed prettily in embarrassment and she speared her eggs and ham. Yoona may not have married him for love, but there was no denying her attraction to him. She was allowed to admire, whether or not he was her husband. Shim Changmin was an attractive man, after all – there was no doubt of that, and she was a woman. Besides… attraction and love were two very different things.

“Where are you going this time? To Nice, I presume? Father tells me you have some clients there.”She had said in hopes to clear the awkwardness and her embarrassment in the air as she chewed her food daintily. “We only have a few days left here, might as well finish your business soon. And be careful, since the war is still on-going and I really don’t want to be the bearer of bad news when I return to Korea.”

Changmin shrugged, folding the newspaper and placing it on the table. Reaching over to her side, he took hold of the sugar and poured a teaspoon onto his coffee. She waited patiently for his response, chewing even slower than she had already been and gauging his reaction. He only looked at her simply as he sipped from his cup.

“I heard there would be a parade later… I thought we’d watch it then go to a theater later.”

“Together?”Oh, she hadn’t expected this. She was so used to not seeing him that it was strange to hear him to even imply an activity for them to do together.“But… don’t you have to work?”

“I’ve finished all of the business I was needed to attend to in the past three days.”Changmin replied, leaning back on his chair as she blinked at him. The expression on his face gave nothing away as usual, but there was something childlike and innocent about him at that moment. Something warm and… sweet; two words she had thought she would never associate with him since they met. “I think it’s time I relax during our honeymoon, don’t you think?”

“Oh… well…” Yoona could feel her cheeks redden and warm in embarrassment, “I suppose, you’re correct. I’ve wanted to explore the city actually…”

“I know. The help told me that you hadn’t left this room since coming here. They say you’ve only read several books or have only watched the city from outside the window.”His lips lifted into one of the very few smiles he’d ever give her during their marriage and cocked his head to the side. “Not exactly what I’d call sight-seeing, by the way.”

She frowned at him, her temper suddenly fuming before she could dispense of it and she lashed out, “I’m sorry but being in a different country makes me nervous and for a man on his honeymoon, I thought you’d actually be around but you hardly ever are so—ah.”

She stopped herself a moment too late and put a hand on . She lowered her eyes onto the table and bit her lip. Had she just argued with the son of the Shim clan? The good family that had saved her and her father from collapse and helped them to stand proud again? It was a foolish move, she should have known better than that. Yoona bowed her head slightly in apology.

“Forgive me. I didn’t mean it like that.”

He shook his head, lifting her chin up with a finger to meet her eyes. They were a wonder – his eyes – she briefly wondered how she never gave them much notice before. “No, I know you meant it exactly as you just said – and its fine. I know my discrepancies as a husband have shown itself very early in our marriage… and for that I should be asking for your forgiveness.”

“You told me how you are against our nuptials but even so, I admire your honesty and realize that you are woman and that you long for romance and… we are in Paris and on our honeymoon so…”Changmin trailed off, looking deep into her gaze and not faltering. She held her breath in her chest and gazed back at him in wonder.

He stared at her for a whole minute and didn’t touch her (much to her relief and disappointment), even when his hand reached towards her face for a moment before pulling back. The expression on his face was unreadable, a flurry of jumbled up emotions skittering about without actually forming. Yoona held her breath when he opened his mouth to speak again:

“Perhaps this isn’t what you envisioned your marriage to be but… we could be good companions to each other though, I think.”

With that he turned away, sweeping his feet under the table gracefully as he stood up to pull his jacket on. Yoona stared motionlessly after him, unsure of what to say or think. His words were spoken so earnestly, so sincerely. But had she imagined it?

Changmin turned to her again after a moment and walked to her chair, tapping his watch just as he leaned over her slightly. She leaned back as his eyes bore into hers again, her heart drumming a beat inside her chest while her mind repeated ‘Duty over love, duty over love’.

His lips came in contact with her forehead so quickly, she wondered if it had even happened. “You should finish and get started on getting ready. The parade’s in an hour. You wouldn’t want to miss it, would you?”

And then Yoona remembered another brief smile on his lips and then more sunshine and warmth after that.

She pulled back from the haze and blinked back unshed tears as she watched her mother-in-law go on about the date she had already planned for her. Her lips moved and Yoona was certain that words were coming out, but she heard none of them – she was still stuck in her thoughts, after all. As per usual, during days like today…

It was a memory Yoona would go back to often, when she was alone and the sun hit her skin, and she would speculate whether she had imagined all of them – the smiles, the warmth, their memories – or not.  They were all so brief and so long ago, she wasn’t entirely sure if it had actually taken place. The wedding – their marriage – was real… at least it was on paper, but what about after? What about the days, months, years after that?

She shook herself mentally, reminding herself that there were days after the wedding. Happy days, in fact. The memory was proof of that, at least of a blissful moment. They had spent days together, though not very often but enough, and she remembered being happy and content during those moments. Changmin had been a fairly good companion; he had taught her how to drive when normally women were forbidden to (they had gotten into heated shouting matches during the time he taught her, but it was well worth it for a valuable skill), he had read with her and dined with her (laughed and slept beside her) as often as he could in his busy schedule.

“I’m sorry, Mistress. But Master isn’t…”

“Where is he?”

“He’s gone, ma’am. He left while you were sleeping.”

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