When you’re about to step off a building, the last thing you think about is how much it will hurt when you hit the ground or who will find you laying dead. You may think about your family, your friends, the moments when you were happiest; but there is one thought that overcomes all of those other thoughts. “If I jump, I can end it all.”

 

A simple, horrible thought. It could either change your life or end it forever. In my case...my life was changed. But it wasn’t by my choice, it was by his.

 

...

 

I started thinking about doing it, when I was 18. My mother, the last of my family that was still alive, died. Medication overdose. The doctor said she couldn’t handle the medication, because it was too “powerful” for her weak body. But I knew better. That was just a small lie to stop a 18 year old from crying. Everyone knew she had committed suicide, I mean she even left a letter. A ing letter. She didn’t do that just for the hell of it.

 

As for my father...I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say, I was happy when that bastard died.

 

I moved out after that. The house was suffocating; too many memories. Almost all of them were bad. I wanted to forget. I took the money my mom had left behind and bought a cheap apartment. It wasn’t the nicest place in the world, but it worked.

 

It was three days after I moved in, I decided of actually doing it. Killing myself. The horrible memories never left me, even after moving. I had nothing to live for, so why should I be alive?

 

I took the stairs up to the top of the apartment roof. You could almost see the entire city of Bucheon from there. It was beautiful. I slowly stepped to the edge of the building...only five steps between me and the end of my life.

 

Five...the cold air was blowing in my face. I shivered.

 

Four...I glanced down below me. Cars were busily driving down the roads, and people were shuffling inside buildings.

 

Three...I’m scared.

 

Two...What if I’m still alive when I hit the ground? I gulped and took a deep breath.

 

One...

 

I lifted my foot. I heard a muffled voice from behind me. I couldn’t make out what it was saying. “Stop!”

 

That’s when I felt someone tackle me to the ground. It was a boy. “Stop...please stop. Don’t...do...it.” He whispered out of breath. He looked like he had been running as fast as he possibly could. He got off of me awkwardly. “Sorry...” He said rubbing the back of his head.

 

“Who are...” I started.

 

“It’s not worth it, okay. Please don’t do it. Don’t even think of doing that. You’re so young...”

 

I stood up. “Who the hell are you? And what is it to you what I do. This is my life.” I started to stomp away. There was no way I’m going to jump off now with that guy around. He wouldn’t let me.

 

“I know what it’s like.” I stopped walking. “I’ve been in your place. I had the same thoughts. I know.”

 

I turned around, facing him. “You...?”

 

He walked closer to me, ing the cuffs around his wrists. He held them up, revealing  two thin lines on his wrists. “I locked myself in my bathroom and broke the mirror...cut both my wrists. I almost died. If it wasn’t for my mother, I would have died.” He sighed. “It isn’t worth it.”

 

I stood there silently. I didn’t know what to say or do. “I  auditioned for over 100 different companies. Failed each time. I thought suicide would solve my problems...but it only created more. The day I cut myself...my mother was crying. She was crying while telling my noona what I did. I’ve never seen her cry so much in my life...” He looked down. I could see his eyes were teary. He rubbed them and continued. “I vowed that I would never do that ever again. My mom, noona; my family, they mean the world to me. I hurt them doing that. I never want to do it again. And I won’t.” He looked at me. “I don’t want you to do this. I won’t let you. It isn’t worth it.”

 

I looked at the ground. “You don’t know me.”

 

“I may not know you, but I do know what will happen if you do that.” He walked closer to me, and grabbed my hand tightly. “Let’s go somewhere warm. It’s freezing out here.” He shivered. I just let him lead me...it was the first time in my life someone cared what I did; what I will do. I guess you could say, it was nice. Maybe this isn’t so bad...maybe it was meant to happen...

 

…

 

“201?” He asked pointing to my apartment. I nodded. “I’m at 205. Right down the hall.” He told me looking towards his door. He was wearing a kind smile on his face. I pulled out my key and unlocked the door. “Kiseop...Lee Kiseop.” He said holding out his hand to me. “You should at least know my name before letting me in.” He laughed awkwardly.

 

“Kim...Sungri.” I replied. He nodded, still smiling.

 

I lead him inside, revealing the unpacked boxes around the apartment. I looked down, embarrassed at the mess. “Just moved in?” He asked. I nodded. “Nothing I can’t fix.” He grabbed one of the boxes and started pulling out the wrapped items.

 

“What are you-”

 

He glanced at me. “Helping you.” He placed everything nicely on the ground. And opened another box. “Home is a place where you’re most comfortable at. This can’t be home when it’s so...suffocating here.”

 

“Suffocating?” I whispered.

 

“How did you breath...?” I heard him mutter. I wasn’t sure if he was talking to himself or asking me. He noticed I was staring at him confused. “Sorry...I’m a bit claustrophobic.” He apologized. I crouched next to him and joined him unpacking. “Two is better than one. Always.” He smiled.

 

…

 

When we finished, my small apartment looked clean and almost...comfortable. I could live here, I thought as I looked around. I nodded my head proudly. We did good. “Sungri!” I heard Kiseop call from the kitchen. He was looking through my fridge curiously. “You don’t have much...food. But I could cook us something nice?” He grinned. I nodded.

 

“Okay!” He exclaimed. A small smile formed on my lips, I covered my mouth to hide it.

 

Within 20 minutes, Kiseop had already cooked a simple but nice dinner. “Dun dun dunnn~” He sang as he placed the meal in front onto the table. It was kimchichigae. “You had some leftover kimchi, so I just took it and made this.” He said proudly. I took my spoon and tasted it. It was delicious.

 

“Good?” He asked when I finished the kimchichigae. I nodded. Kiseop took the bowl and put it into the sink, starting to wash it with the other dishes. I glanced at him confused. Why is he so nice to me? It must be pity.

 

“Are you feeling better?” He asked glancing back at me.

 

“Huh...?”

 

He placed the dishes into the washing machine and turned it on. “From earlier...” He said quietly. He pulled a paper towel and dried his wet hands.

 

“Yes.” I answered. Why are you so nice to me? Just say it, I told myself. Just say it. The question burned in my throat. “Why are you so nice to me?” I finally said. “Helping me unbox...cooking...”

 

“Ah.” He said almost as a whisper. “Because...I want to see you smile.” I looked at him confused. “I want to make sure you’re okay.”

 

I didn’t say anything.

 

“Sungri, are you okay?” He asked. "Are you really, okay? If I left you right now, would you still be safe? Would you be alive the next time I see you? I need to make sure of that.”

 

“I’m just a stranger, you barely even know me. Why would you...care?”  

 

“You’re different, Sungri. That’s why. I want to get to know you more, I want to learn more about you. I guess you could say...” He thought for a moment. “I’m curious about you. I can’t just let someone like you slip out of my grasp.”

 

“But...but why?” I felt like I was going to cry. I hated crying.

 

He laughed. “You just keep asking questions, don’t you?” I felt hot tears run down my cheeks. “Hey, don’t start crying. Was it something I said?” Kiseop walked over and pulled me into his arms. I stood there stiff. What is he...?

 

He wiped the tears off my cheeks. “You’ve gone through a lot, didn’t you?” He whispered.

 

I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hide my emotions, my words. I unbottled everything inside me. I broke. “My mom killed herself because of me...my dad...my dad...abused...me. He...” I swallowed. “He...did...a lot of bad things. I was alone...there was nothing to live for. Everyone was gone. I had no friends. There was none of my family left...I want to...end...it...” I trailed off.

 

“It’s okay...” He whispered close to me. “It’s all okay now. I’m here for you. I will always be here for you. Don’t forget that.”  

 

“Thank...you...” I cried. “Thank you.”

 

…

 

Life is hard at times. Sometimes, you may think there might be a short cut; a easy way out for something. But there isn’t. There is only one way for everything. You just need to find it.

 

I can’t say my life will be always happy, or there won’t be times when I just want to end it all. But there is one thing that I can guarantee: that Kiseop will always be there for me.

And as long as he’s there, I will be too.